I’m tired of these mother fucking bees in this mother fucking house

13 May

This post is really a glorified rough-draft. When Aunt Becky of Mommy Wants Vodka asked me to guest post, I revised it and she posted it on her website. You can check out the much better version here.

***************

It started last year when Isobel was just two sweet weeks old. My sister noted that Zorro was acting strangely, even for him, and she went into the kitchen to take a closer look.

THERE WAS A BEE. IN MY HOUSE. A BEE! IN MY HOUSE!

We immediately killed it. Now, I like bees, and I’m worried about the loss of native pollinators in the Valley. But I had a newborn baby and I wasn’t taking any chances.

We tried to figure out how it got in but it was a mystery. We didn’t open the windows in the kitchen or living room because we don’t have window screens and the cats would get out. The only thing that seemed to fit was the vent. At the time we had a pest control service, so I immediately got on the phone and requested that someone come over POST HASTE to fix our bee situation. I explained that we had a newborn.

(I’m actually not very comfortable with the idea of spraying poison around our yard but our house had been vacant for over a year before we moved in and in that time several Black Widows established colonies and we had (a mourning? A murder? A poisoning?) a SHITLOAD of spiders. I’m not talking one Black Widow-sighting here. I’m talking about finding 1 to 2 inch diameter Black Widows daily, sometimes twice a day, every day. So we hired a pest control service to get that under control.)

Our Very Nice Pest Man arrived and searched for an entrance. He sprayed and double-sprayed. He said that most likely the bees were getting in from the attic. He could spray there but we’d have to load up the baby and cats and be gone awhile. I was not happy with the idea of bug-bombing the place with a newborn, so we decided to wait.

Occasionally throughout that summer we’d noticed Zorro flipping out and we’d realize we had another bee in the kitchen. Zorro would either kill it for us or damage it and we’d finish it off with the fly swatter. I’d like to say right here, right now that our cat Zorro is THE BEST DOG EVER AND I LOVE HIM.

Once the weather started cooling down in October our Bee Incidences stopped. Winter saved our home from insect invasion better than The Very Nice Pest Man could.

Winter passed, and summer rolled around again. But this time it was different. WASPS. THERE WAS A MOTHER FUCKING WASP IN MY MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE.

As horrible as the bees were, this was a million times worse. Yellow Jackets. Even the name makes me shudder. Have you ever been stung by a Yellow Jacket? Bastards don’t die with the sting the way THOSE POOR SWEET BEES DO. Bastards ARE SADISTS WHO ENJOY YOUR TERROR AND PAIN. They sting you OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Nobody is ever just stung once by a wasp. They are stung multiple times before the wasp flies off, FREE AND CLEAR, LIKE A HIT-AND-RUN DRIVER.

Wasps are terrorists.

And they were in our house.

We finally were able to determine (after much angst and hand-wringing, and multiple wasp-blows with a shoe) that they were indeed coming in through a vent. Perhaps they were coming in through our dilapidated roof, or perhaps they were coming in through our attic. Either way, they were using the vent.

We could no longer afford the services of The Very Nice Pest Man but I convinced Anthony that something needed to be done. I was tired of these MOTHER FUCKING WASPS IN THE MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE. He said, you’re right. Let’s go to the store.

At our local Hardware Supply Store we talked to a very understanding and sympathetic girl who was probably half my age. She told us where we could not only get Yellow Jacket traps for the attic but also filters to physically block the vents that would still let air through.

I told her thanks. We’ll take seven.

At this point we were averaging about four wasps per week which in my opinion is ten too many. This situation disturbed me so deeply I started having nightmares about it.

I’m happy to say that since Anthony installed the trap and layered our vents with filters we’ve had only one wasp issue, and that was because Anthony did not layer up one vent completely like I requested him to. He won’t be making that mistake again!

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13 Responses to “I’m tired of these mother fucking bees in this mother fucking house”

  1. Adrienne May 13, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    “At this point we were averaging about four wasps per week which in my opinion is ten too many.”

    LOL I agree! We thankfully don’t have a bug problem inside (knocking on wood that it stays that way) but we have a HORRIBLE bug problem on our enclosed back patio. Whenever we sweep up we always find brown widows and their babies. During the summer we get huge mud dauber wasps, 5″ wide wood spiders, and palmetto bugs that like to chill all over the place. We use Raid wasp spray to get all of them when need be, mostly because the spray nozzle goes 15+ feet and kills them almost immediately. So worse comes to worse you could have a can of that around as added protection.

    • LittleBig May 14, 2010 at 8:58 am #

      I’ma get me some of that Raid.

  2. Kristin, @shinyinfo May 13, 2010 at 4:27 pm #

    Wasps ARE terrorists! They feed from the tears of widowed old women.

    • LittleBig May 14, 2010 at 8:57 am #

      I bet there’s a wasp terrorist traning camp somewhere around here.

  3. Sara May 13, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

    I’m totally feelin’ this post. I had a wasp issue in my house. I was having to catch/release them. (I was too scared to swat, potentially miss, and create an upset-wasp situation.) I later learned that a good wet/dry vac gets the job done quickly and easily. (I borrowed it from my dad. He successfully sucked an entire nest into it once…with only minimal girly-screaming. Gotta leave the vac on for a bit to make sure they’re sufficiently spun to death though–yeehaw!)

    The source of my wasp intrusion was easier to deal with–they were squeezing their little waspy butts through tiny holes in my sliding-glass door frame. (WTH?) I caulked the living hell out of it. Then I bought the 15+ foot spray stuff, like Adrienne mentioned, for added protection. That spray is awesome, by the way. Just the residue from spraying the area where they’re likely to make nests will keep them away for a loooong time. So it’s good for killing AND prevention. 😀

    • LittleBig May 14, 2010 at 8:56 am #

      I was also totally afraid of having an upset-wasp situation. Had they been healthy wasps, it would have been worse, but thankfully Zorro was on hand to mangle them before I dealt the death blow so they weren’t flying so well when I found them.

      I am TOTALLY noting the wet/dry vac idea. I’d leave it spinning for an hour. ::shudder::

  4. Rob May 13, 2010 at 5:56 pm #

    Years ago I lived in an old house that always had spiders and such coming up from the basement. One year we had a very mild winter with no freezes to kill the things that usually wouldn’t last until spring. One day my roommate’s cat started chasing something, and it turned out to be this ENORMOUS wasp. Like, hummingbird size. I may have screamed. I grabbed the cat because I thought if he got stung it would kill him. Fortunately the wasp could barely fly more than a foot off the ground so was easily dispatched. We had a couple more of those freaking out until summer.

    • LittleBig May 14, 2010 at 8:52 am #

      Great, now I’m going to have nightmares about hummingbird-sized wasps. THANKS, ROB!

  5. Todd June 7, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    Sounds like you need an entomologist. Luckily you know one.

    • LittleBig June 8, 2010 at 9:28 am #

      What is your professional opinion?

  6. Kelly August 9, 2010 at 9:59 am #

    OMG, I almost peed my pants! Not because I think your wasp problem is funny, but because I think it’s funny that I read this entire post and all I kept thinking was that you must be my clone. Or I’m yours. Either way, I love your “voice” because it so reminds me of me!

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  1. Site Statistics « Little Big - August 26, 2010

    […] respond to, and which ones attract the pervs. Probably my #1 perv-attracting post would have to be I’m tired of these mother fucking bees in this mother fucking house. Mostly because I drop the F-bomb twice in the title, but also because there is a percentage of […]

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