This One’s About Boobies

9 Nov

You may have noticed that I’m posting an awful lot lately. My husband’s new job requires lots of business trips for training so while he’s been gone I’ve been spending quiet evenings writing on my laptop while Isobel contentedly lines up her toys for some Mysterious Toddler Reason. Plus I haven’t been watching any TV lately. Strangely enough it feels lonely to watch my favorite shows without Anthony there to share them, and I’ve been watching my recorded episodes of Oprah only half-heartedly since he’s not there to groan in boredom. I’ve been making a conscious effort to watch less TV in Isobel’s presence anyway. With my husband gone I’ve been turning to my surrogate husband, The Internet, for adult discourse. Hence the multitude of posts.

(As an aside: I was trying to explain NaBloPoMo to Anthony over the weekend except I got the name wrong and accidentally called it “No Blo Mo or Something” and let me tell you, my husband is 100% in favor Mo Blo. And we’ll leave it at that.)

Before I talk about boobies I’d like to remind everyone that I’m currently hosting a MONKEY GIVEAWAY and you have until Saturday to enter. So far about six of you are going to Heaven because you’ve retweeted my post. Thanks, guys! I’m currently singing “Monkey’s Gone To Heaven” in your honor.

And now, onto the boobies…

I love commenting on other people’s blogs because I think writing is best enjoyed as a conversation, so imagine my frustration when all of my comments lately have been eaten by the internet. No matter where I commented or what I said, none of my masterful, well-thought-out comments (HA!) seemed to post. I have an extensive blog roll that includes all of these blogs plus several other blogs that I nose around in from time to time.

This glitch was especially irritating because Grumbles and Grunts is hosting a giveaway that I particularly want to be a part of. If you’re a parent and you have ladyparts, there is a chance that you have tried your, er, hand at pumping. Everyone told me that breastfeeding would be hard, but nobody told me that pumping would be hard. In case you were wondering, it’s really really hard.

I don’t want to get into Isobel’s birth story yet because frankly, I’m going to need more counseling first. Suffice it to say that things went horribly wrong and I ended up with a catheter bag full of blood and emergency surgery and a C section besides. My body went into shock afterwards, and I was a mess.

I was not making enough milk to sustain Isobel so my lactation consultant recommended regular pumping. No problem, I thought. I’ll just hook up the old love jugs to the machine and fold diapers, browse on my laptop, or check twitter on my phone. I just assumed that the pumps suction-cupped themselves directly to your breasts. At no point did I think you had to hold them in place for the entire thirty minute pumping period with your own goddamn hands.

Really? Are you shitting me, technology? WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON BUT I HAVE TO HOLD MY BREAST PUMP IN PLACE WITH MY OWN GODDAMN HANDS FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF MY MILKING? If women had been the dominant sex in our society you’d better fucking believe this technology would have been discovered by now.

I do plan on having another child and the pumping problem has been something that has haunted me. If this pumping-bra-thing works half as well as it says it does, then I at least have one free hand with which to play Bejeweled. So consider me entered.

The Grumblies requested that those who enter share their most embarrassing pumping stories. Fortunately, I had an extra-long maternity leave thanks to my health complications and I was able to pump in the privacy of my own home. My most embarrassing pumping story happened nearly every night: when Anthony would realize I should be done pumping but still hadn’t emerged from the bedroom he’d come in to find me topless, slumped over dead asleep, one boob attached to the pump while the other inevitably became free from the pump to distribute milk all over my pajama pants and bedding. The unused side of the pump would whir pathetically in time with my snores and he’d have to wake me up to deal with the aftermath. Yay, technology!

Now pray with me to the lactation gods that I win that pump holder, or else I suspect you’ll have to hear more embarrassing details about my boobs in the future.

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29 Responses to “This One’s About Boobies”

  1. Megan November 9, 2010 at 7:04 pm #

    I wish I wasn’t laughing. Pumping is the pits, so I hope you get that nifty bra thingy from the Grumbles. Good luck!

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:41 pm #

      Pumping is a very boring form of torture.

  2. TheRedQueen November 9, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

    I just took a sports bra and cut small slits in it. Worked wonderfully. Just in case you don’t win your bra thingy.

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:41 pm #

      Dude, why didn’t I think of that? Genius.

  3. sarcasmically November 9, 2010 at 7:36 pm #

    Dudette, I don’t think I’ll ever be glad that both my kids spent significant amounts of time in the NICU and therefore never cooperated with my boobs… but this post has probably brought me the closest I’ll ever be to being glad. Boob-pumping? With no free hands? And falling asleep while still attached? And husbands seeing this? Awful. All awful.

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:42 pm #

      Oh he’s seen me in less dignified situations (if you can believe it). But yeah,it was just awful.

  4. Alicia November 9, 2010 at 8:01 pm #

    I’m currently pumping more in between Olivia’s regular boob latching because I go back to work in 3 weeks (boo!) and my parents will be taking care of her so I need to make sure they’ll be stocked with a decent supply. I have no embarrassing pumping stories at the moment but I sadly anticipate having one when I return to work as I will be pumping throughout th day. Oh joy!

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:43 pm #

      Do you like your pump? That can make a big difference, I’m told.

  5. Laura November 9, 2010 at 11:27 pm #

    I needed this laugh. Thanks for oversharing a day early. 🙂

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:43 pm #

      This is quite the overshare, isn’t it?

  6. the grumbles November 10, 2010 at 6:37 am #

    bahahahahaha, oh you poor dear.

    i have to say, while i’ve had my share of out-in-public pumping humiliations i have never fallen asleep while pumping. you must have been so tired. i want to bring you cocoa and wrap you up in a blanket just thinking about it.

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:43 pm #

      My memories of that time are very fuzzy and vague, but damn. I’ve never been that tired in my life.

  7. Elly Lou November 10, 2010 at 7:39 am #

    I guess now isn’t the time to scream “show us your tits!”

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:44 pm #

      This is totally my GIRLS GONE WILD post.

  8. gothiclibrarian November 10, 2010 at 9:04 am #

    I haaaaaaate pumping! But I do like the pump I’m using this time round better than the first…my boobies are very appreciative.

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:44 pm #

      Ooh, what kind are you using, if you don’t mind my asking? I’m wondering if my pump was just crappy.

      • gothiclibrarian November 12, 2010 at 4:41 am #

        Last time I used a Medela Pump n’ Style and hated it.

        This time I have a Medela Swing and it is THE BEST!

      • LittleBig November 12, 2010 at 11:37 am #

        Ooh, noted.

  9. Flucky Mom November 10, 2010 at 9:18 am #

    Oh man! I hated pumping. In the 1 1/2 hour cycles of feeding, burping, entertaining, swaddling, shushing and rocking back to sleep, having to then pump at the end of this was the worst! And yes, why couldn’t they create this thing handsfree. At least I could get shit done that way.

    I love your embarrassing story. Very funny and I’ve been there.

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:45 pm #

      I wish I could favorite this comment. It’s like a form of birth control.

  10. Noemi November 10, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    Oh, you are scaring me with your pumping stories- I am not headed over to Grumvlies to read more. YIKES.

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:45 pm #

      I’m so sorry. I think most of my stories might scare you.

      But it will be all right. It really, really will.

  11. ohnoAMY November 10, 2010 at 1:11 pm #

    I had an emergency c-section with E and had some supply issues as well. Then my saint of a husband told me to pump so he could take care of nighttime feedings. Then I made too much milk. Then I one day shot milk across the entire back office at work when a coworker forgot what I did on my breaks. Then Esme nursed with enthusiasm up until she turned two and then she lost total interest. Then she told me she used to drink “chocolate milk from Momma’s boobs.” Bobbies are fun!

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:45 pm #

      AWESOME. That’s hilarious.

  12. Bonnie November 10, 2010 at 1:39 pm #

    my SIL (well, future) is pumping now so she can be sure that the twins are getting enough and she can divide what she has between them equally. She’s meeting with a lactation specialist tomorrow and hopes to be able to breast feed but not sure she’ll have enough for the two of them. At the start she was feeding them every 3 hours and it took her an hour an a half each time. Not leaving much time for anything else like sleeping, eating, or taking care of the toddler! It’s better now though and she just bought her own pump.

    I myself don’t know much about the pumping and my other SIL would never talk about things like this (I don’t even know if she did pump). I’m so glad Melisa will talk to me about these things. Not just pumping, but anything baby related and stuff. And she said she’s saving some baby things for when Marc and I have kids!

    I was just down to see them yesterday and she invited me down for a day next week too.

    • LittleBig November 11, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

      That’s so sweet of her!

      If you have any baby-related questions feel free to drop me a line, as well.

  13. Meggan November 10, 2010 at 3:02 pm #

    The mental image of you during your embarrassing pumping moment(s) has me giggling at my desk. In a horrible, yes-I-understand kind of way.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Possible Spam « Little Big - February 14, 2011

    […] I’m called a master. Incidentally, this comment was attempting to attach itself to a post about boobs. I may not be rich and famous, but I am a master of boobs. (My boobs, […]

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