Mrs. December

23 Dec

If you haven’t already met Gen, you’re in luck: she’s my Mrs. December.  This month I’m not only guest blogging, but I’m trading blogs to introduce you to one of my favorite writers. When I asked her to guest blog a couple months ago I told her I’d put her down for December, effectively making her my Calendar Girl for the holiday season. We’ve been emailing back and forth and at one point I wrote “Mrs. December” instead of “Miss December.” That’s okay, instead of a Calendar Girl she’ll by my Calendar-MILF.

When you’re done here, swing by her blog and check out my guest post. I ramble incoherently about the past. You’ll love it!

GENVIEVE’S HARD-HITTING INTERVIEW

(with her four-year-old son)

Well, hello there.  My name is Genevieve and I write at Gen with a G. Carrie named me her Mrs. December and is allowing me the opportunity to write this guest post for her blog.  I am very honored by this title, and am really looking forward to receiving my crown and sash in the mail.  I’ve already booked my photography session with Playboy, so it’s only a matter of weeks before I am dethroned.  Hooray!

In preparation for our guest posts, Carrie Anne and I interviewed each other and then assigned each other topics based on the answers.  I think my answers to her questions must have been either too bizarre or boring (but most likely both,) [Not a chance, Gen! — CAC] so Carrie Anne told me that my assignment was to interview my four year old, Sam, on various topics.

I was thrilled with my assignment on many levels.  One.  Sam is an inquisitive, energetic, smart little boy who never ever never never stops talking.  I felt this would be an opportunity to pay him back by peppering him with such rapid-fire questions, his head would spin around and he’d pass out from exhaustion.  Two. It took the burden off of me to be clever or engaging and placed it directly in the lap of my four year old.


"You can't handle the truth!"

I used a digital voice recorder and then transcribed this.  So what you see here is exact.  Get ready for a hard-hitting interview.  And… away we go.

Sam: So what’s your questions?

Notice how he takes control of the interview before I even start.  Cheeky kid.

Me: Ok.  So first I wanted to ask you why you didn’t take a nap this afternoon.

Sam: (with much enthusiasm) Yeah!

Me: Well, how come?

Sam: I don’t know.

Me: (stares at subject as if to say, you’ll have to do better than that.)

Sam: Well, I wanted Dad to be home so I could play with my new toy in the bathtub.

I make a really neat segue into the approach of Christmas.  After discussing that the presents (especially monster trucks with dragonfly paint jobs (what the hell?)) are what make Christmas really awesome, we move on to headier stuff.

Me: So what else excites you about Christmas?

Sam: Nothing.  Just monster trucks.  Because I LOVE monster trucks.

Me: So, you’re not excited for cookies?

Sam: Whu? Nu? YEAH!

Me: Are you excited for church?

Sam: Church?  Church? I hate church.

Me: Why do you hate the church?

Sam: Well, I like Jesus a little bit.  But I hate church because I solve the problems at church and I hate church also because I don’t like to sit in seats all day long.

Me: But you like Jesus?

Sam: Yeah.

Me: What do you like about Jesus?

Sam: Well, I like when She was born in church.

Me: What did it mean when Jesus was born?

Sam: It means that She has a mommy now.  Jesus lives in church because that’s her house.

Me: Ok.

At this point, my head kind of explodes with not knowing what to say because while I am very interested in my kid having a spiritual life, I have absolutely no intention of programming it into him.  So I just pretend the conversation makes complete sense and abruptly shift topic. You’re jealous of my parenting skills, I can tell.

I ask about what it’s like to be a big brother but it goes terribly awry when he starts shoving his feet violently against my butt and I have to temporarily abandon the interview.  Because while I am not prepared to talk about Jesus to my four year old, I have tons to say about why he should not shove his feet in my ass.

When we resume our interview, I start with the question to end all questions – what is your favorite color, and why? (Note to self: I should probably have my own talk show.)  I continue on with this painful line of questioning for some time. I will spare you the details.

Then, I completely turn the interview on its head and demand he come up with both the questions AND the answers.

Me: Tell me five interesting things about yourself.

Sam: (without any hesitation) Ok.  Well, I have very good bones for myself.

Me: That’s one.  What’s another thing about yourself?

Sam: Well, I have very good muscles.

Me: What’s so great about your muscles?

Sam: Well, I use them to carry my bed.

Me: You carry your bed?

Sam: If it’s broken into pieces, we can pick it up and carry my bed (grunts as he simulates picking up a very heavy piece of broken bed.)  I also have very good exercises.  Did you know I can exercise? (stands up and does jumping jacks on bed.)  Like this, see?  So I can protect my muscles from getting sick.

Me: Good idea.  Tell me something else about yourself.

Sam: I do very good muscles.  I told you.

Me: I know.  You told me already.  Tell me a little about how you feel.

Sam: Well, I feel happy all the time.

Me: All the time?

Sam: Yes.

Me: (with disbelief) All the time?

Sam: (with much conviction) Yes.

At this point, my interview subject abruptly cuts the interview short and demands that we go make sugar cookies.  I figure this might be a good way of lulling him into a false sense of security for my second hard-hitting interview.  (In actuality, my second interview was just the exact same questions that Carrie and I asked each other in preparation for our guest posts.) Here are my top two favorite answers from that interview.

Me: State your name for the record.

Sam: Same.

Me: Same?

Sam: No.  SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM.

Me: Oh geez.  Sorry… Have you ever seen Battlestar Galactica?  And if you have, which character is the best looking?

Sam: I have.

Me: You’ve seen Battlestar Galactica?

Sam: I said I have.

Me: Which character is the best looking on it?

Sam: Spidermaaaaaaaaaaaan!

This is really the only time when my interview subject disappoints.  Clearly, Starbuck is the best looking. Everyone knows that.

Me: Ok.  Next question.  What do you do so you don’t get bored on a long car ride?

Sam: Remember on the way to Nina’s house?  I covered my blanket up and then I slept slept slept in the car.

Me: You didn’t sleep at all in the car on the way to Nina’s

Sam: Why?

Me: I don’t know.  You tell me.

Sam: Because I don’t like sleep.  But I took a long rest.

Me: You didn’t though.  You played.  Remember?

Sam: You’re kidding me.  I took another nap.  And I sleeped.  Are you kidding me?

Me: That’s not how I remember it.

Sam: Ok.  This concentrate is done.

Me: Do you mean interview?

Sam: This interview is done.

As you see, my four year old controls the conversation from start to finish.

BUT!  He doesn’t have a crown and sash on the way, nor is he bound for Playboy stardom. So, in the end, I think the winner is… him.

Dammit.

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6 Responses to “Mrs. December”

  1. Dan December 23, 2010 at 8:24 am #

    At first I thought my favorite part was when he said he likes Jesus ‘a little bit.’ But Spiderman on Battlestar Galactica? I had forgotten about his story arc.

    (If he had been the final Cylon? Tell me that wouldn’t have made a better ending.)

    • LittleBig December 24, 2010 at 9:41 am #

      See, this is why kids are awesome.

  2. Gen December 23, 2010 at 12:40 pm #

    Speaking of Spiderman. Sam informed me today that Spiderman was on Broadway. I said I knew. And he said, no you didn’t. And you didn’t know that he fell and hurt himself and broke his bones. This kid, I swear.

    Also, at one point today, he informed me I was fired.

    I can’t wait to hear what Isobel says next. I saw a post of yours that she’s like already talking in sentences. Whooo boy.

    • LittleBig December 24, 2010 at 9:42 am #

      She’s talking in sentences. Short ones, but still. It blows me away.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I Got You a Present | Gen with a G - December 23, 2010

    […] a funny lady, and a good writer.  And if that’s not enough incentive, she let me run rampant on her blog for a post.  If you click over, you can see what I wrote for her. You better share. […]

  2. Another Hard-Hitting Interview « Little Big - December 27, 2010

    […] the Barbara Walters of Calendar Girls. We interviewed each other before assigning topics for the blog-trade and I’m posting the first half of this interview today. It turns out we both share a love of […]

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