The Saga of Jupe

9 Mar

I consider myself a cat lady. As someone who has lived with and among dozens of cats her entire life, I have a lot of experience with them. Growing up our house became the hub for any homeless stray in the area, and since we lived on the cusp of the suburbs and the country, near an auction yard where people used to dump their unwanted strays, we had plenty. Some of them stayed and lived with us, but many, many were spayed or neutered, vaccinated, and sent off to loving homes. In fact, we’ve given cats to three of our friends and we still love and visit Oscar, Loki, and Mochi to this day. All of this is to say, I have a vast amount of experience dealing with cats.

I have never met a cat like Jupiter. Do you see what he’s doing in the photos? He’s biting the light switch. Biting them. If you were standing outside my house at that moment, you would have seen my porch light flicker on and off schizophrenically. I have no idea what possesses him to do this. His appetite for destruction boarders on obsession.

We once had a cat named Spock (full name: Baby Mister Spock). He came from a cat colony around the corner. This colony was made up entirely of inbred cats, born of a brother and a sister that kept having babies together. As you’d imagine, Baby Mister Spock was extremely stupid.

He’d regularly meow while he was eating, so that round bits of kibble would roll out of his mouth and slide all over the floor. He liked to yawn, mid-meow, because he noticed his mouth was already open and it’d save him the trouble. He made goat-noises when happy. He’d fall asleep with his head in the food bowl, and upon waking up and realizing he was hungry, he would immediately start eating.

He was the dumbest cat I ever met, but he was funny and everybody loved him. Unlike Jupiter, Spock used his powers of stupidity for good.

When Peach and Tink were alive, we let them roam the kitchen counters because they were harmless. Sure, occasionally we’d catch them licking the butter if we left it uncovered, but that was our fault, really. Jupiter is so annoying we’ve had to enforce a strict no-cat policy on the counter and table, and to this day if Isobel sees one of the cats even looking at the table she enthusiastically shouts NO NO NO! We still have to squirt Jupiter in the face with the water bottle at least 25 times a day because, over a year later, he still jumps up on the counter and tries to eat your food while you are eating it every day.

Those of you out there who are not cat people, I can assure you that none of this falls within the realms of what you’d call normal cat behavior. Poppy and Zorro avoid the counter now, that’s for damn sure. Even my Mom, the cat whisperer, agrees he’s the most obnoxious cat in existence.   

Jupiter’s new hobby is jumping up on the desk, climbing atop the computer tower, and flinging himself at the bulletin board, knocking over the speakers, webcam, and monitor, my two picture frames as well as the bulletin board in the process. And I should mention the reason he’s doing this is to pull the pushpins from the bulletin board so he can bat them around and eat them. Yes, I have to prevent my cat from eating pushpins. He will try to do this over and over, no matter how many times we squirt him in the face with the water bottle.

Last weekend we’ve made the executive decision to transition Jupiter to being an outside cat. Previously, all our cats have been indoors, but I think it’s in the best interest of the household if Jupiter spends a bit more of his time outside. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe he’s not stupid so much as he is destructive (and possessed by the devil). He seems to be enjoying his forays outside and maybe it will drain his excess energy enough to become a normal cat.

21 Responses to “The Saga of Jupe”

  1. Stella March 9, 2011 at 9:04 am #

    My cat Jinx loves to hump fuzzy blankets. We actually had the vet check him twice to make sure that he was indeed neutered. We expect dogs to engage in this sort of perverse behavior but cats? Not so much.

    Both of my cats like to lick plastic, although I can’t say that either has developed a taste for light switch.

    • LittleBig March 10, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

      I have totally had cats that have humped things even after being fixed!

  2. Jen@Dear Mommy Brain... March 9, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    I had to stifle multiple outbursts of laughter to avoid weird looks from my cubicle neighbors. Our cat is crazy evil, too. Ever been a victim of a “drive-by pooping?” I wish we could do something with her, but I don’t think she would do well outside. She gets really crazy if she sees other cats. I mean, like she’ll-hunt-you-down-and-eat-your-eyeballs kinda crazy. Mer.

    • LittleBig March 10, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

      I hope I am NEVER the victim of a drive-by-pooping, but what an #oversharewednesday story that would be.

  3. souphead March 9, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    I have a problem with hysterical laughter over weird cat stories. My cubicle-mate now thinks I’m nuts.
    Thanks for the giggle!

  4. Sarah March 9, 2011 at 1:10 pm #

    Oh Jupiter. I’m in love already. I guess I have a thing for crazy animals (Yoshi was one of them). I also like cats, I think that’s why I got Shibas. They are dogs who act like cats. Fun times! Eating push pins seems a bit…dicey to me though. Someone should warn crazy light cat. 🙂

    • LittleBig March 10, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

      Poor Yoshi. You did the right thing, though, even though it must have been so hard.

  5. lilpyrogirl March 9, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    I’m becomming convinced Jupiter is related to my cat Zulu. Zulu is Maine Coon though. But she’s crazy. I recently learned if she gets into too much cat nip she gets really chill for about 4 hours so if you come over and the cat seems strung out….well, just call me an enabler. But know that it was a choice between enabling the cat and something way worse. Like at Christmas she took all the little peg lights out of my ceramic christmas tree and ate a few, batted a few under the couch, you get the idea. When I finally took all the lights off if it, she decided to just chew the damn ceramic tree. (OK, it was last night, I just didn’t want to admit I still have Christmas decor up in March. That’s probably why she did it, to make me take down the f-ing snow village already! At least the real christmas tree made it down before February. I’m still counting it as a win in my book.)

    • LittleBig March 10, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

      Our Maine Coon has mellowed a bit with age. Maybe yours will, too!

      Zorro used to be insanely crazy, but he was never obessed and destructive.

  6. dingey March 9, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    My old Siamese Endora was fully capable of similar feats of insanity, destructiveness, infuriating assy-ness, and self-endangerment. Is Jupiter, by any chance, part Siamese?

    • LittleBig March 10, 2011 at 4:44 pm #

      He might, he’s loud enough!

  7. Sean March 9, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

    Haha!! Very amusing!

  8. Wazeau March 9, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    gotta love every last one of them though… cats!

  9. RebeccaLK March 10, 2011 at 2:15 am #

    Jupiter is highly amusing. I have 3 cats who I swear are the 3 stooges!

  10. sylvine March 10, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    It just occurred to me that Slinky likes to chew on the plastic caps on doorstops. He’s an ocicat, which means he has Siamese in him too.

    • LittleBig March 10, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

      If Jupiter has siamese in him, it’s a bit further back. We saw his parents and thought he came from a decent, respectible home. Just goes to show, I guess.

  11. Erica March 11, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    Well well well.

    Perhaps he needs to go to the Asshole Domestic Cat Exhibit at the zoo. That’s where I want to send mine.

    He’s worse!

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