Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Wednesday

11 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

peterbyrnes I believe a lady appreciates a touch of class, which is why I send prospective lovers exquisite watercolors of my junk.

grantpa Sometimes I think, “what does this all mean?” and then I think, “maybe it’s all just random” and then I think, “no, I def said curly fries.”

DamienFahey If you’ve ever stared into an old man’s eyes as life slowly left his body, then you’ve pretty much seen me do a pull-up.

UncleDynamite Yes, of course I’ll do parkour with you. I just need to visit dictionary.com on an unrelated matter first.

slackmistress I’m not on Twitter to impress you. (Except the funny people. And people I went to high school with. And those who want to hire me. LOVE ME!)

danforthfrance I’ve returned from a wedding and I’m back to doing what I do best — forcing my cat to dance with me.

MarinkaNYC I took the “Sent from my Verizon Blackberry” signature off my email. Assume I’m emailing from inside your house.

corrinrenee My mom purse dialed me and all I hear is Tom Jones blaring in the background.

lexthedriver Serious question: Do “sex coupons” expire after you stop dating someone?

Brain_Wash Given the choice between a pack of rabid wild dogs and a pack of bored thirteen year-old girls, I’d first have to ask how big the dogs are.

badbanana I’d like my obituary headline to read: “Local Man’s Struggle With Upstairs Wireless Printer Is Over.”

trelvix I didn’t sleep a wink. This whole “birth certificate” thing has really distracted me. Seriously. Who names their kid “Newt?” Witches, right?

LouisPeitzman If you chant the State Farm jingle three times in a dark bathroom, the agent showsup, but she eats your eyes. 😦

wawoodworth  need to find out who invented yoga pants. I will tend their grave with flowers and small gifts for the rest of my natural life.

Jesus_M_Christ I am with you always, until the very end of time. Well, except for when Real Housewives is on, that’s Me Time.

80sMomKara I’ve got just 24 hrs to figure out what to wear to the Lady Gaga concert. I’m out of trash bags & prosciutto, so this is gonna be tough.

sucittaM When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

michaeljnelson Emus are wondrous, exotic creatures. Let’s melt them down and rub them on our skin.

MrWordsWorth I have taken myself to dinner. I’m so giving myself sex tonight.

johnmoe You might say I’m a triple threat considering how often I threaten people three times in a row.

LouisPeitzman Just got an email from Amazon.com saying, “Don’t sacrifice power for size!” Honestly, it’s a refreshing change from most of the spam I get.

ProfessorSnack Only male hearts have cockles. Female hearts have twatles.

sween Bathing my cat gets me mad pussy.

Bagyants Can you believe our government spends more money than it has? BRB, applying for my 8th credit card.

shinyinfo Walking in on someone dancing to Toto’s “Africa” in your office is not attractive. And for that I apologize.

rilaws Blood your doors everyone, the Lord’s a’comin!

simontarr My wife just called my iPhone “your Palm Pilot.” I have nothing to add.

johnmoe Being a parent is magical. And it’s a giant pain in the ass. It’s giant magical ass pain.

ProfessorSnack 98% of all “cherry” trees are lying to you.

Squirreljustice It feels weird being home on a Saturday night. Not as weird as putting a Breathe Right strip on my taint, but still pretty weird.

NickSchug Twitter has messed me up. Now when someone says something I like in real life, I gently place my hand on their face and whisper “favorite”.

YUCKYBOT Of course, Winnie The Pooh isn’t his real name. It’s Winifred Thaddeus Poopington.

michaeljnelson Yes, I have my supporters in the wider hermit community. Though it is not well known. For some reason.

clairesuddath I want to write a movie called “Spoiler Alert.” The tag line: “They die.”

slapclap How much longer do I need to scrub this spot on the floor? AND DON’T SAY FOREVER, head voices.
DamienFahey Spending the day standing behind cars with back-up cameras dressed like a ninja.

Brain_Wash If you can’t do the math, do the math teacher

LouisPeitzman Just tried to show my ID to a random guy outside this bar. Cool or coolest?.

perronbrothers After I put the pets outside, I like to close the door on them really slowly like the final scene in The Godfather.

mothmun I like to live like there’s no tomorrow; lying in bed, sobbing.

letsgetgizzy I wish a guy would look at me the way the people in the Applebee’s commercial look at those new Sizzling Entrees.

billyeichner I hesitate to celebrate Bin Laden’s death because I remember that time when Roseanne just replaced one Becky with another Becky.

jperrotto They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

rolldiggity When people say “Jesus is my co-pilot,” do they realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no training and zero hours in a flight simulator?

Splurge24 Current Threat Level: Double Rainbow.

michaeljnelson If you air quote while saying the words “air quote” you can actually get sucked into a wormhole.

peterbyrnes If erections lasting over four hours were truly dangerous no male would survive the Junior Prom.

ladybirdj Fast Five is a good name for the jerk off motion you give when you hear about Fast Five.

adamisacson I was watching a nature show. A team of seals killed a penguin and dumped the body in the water. Suddenly, I felt strangely patriotic.

morgan_murphy I went through I phase where I only had sex with Mexican guys. God, I loved my señor year.

joshjs Mom, Sorry I ruined your hoo-ha and then became an atheist. Love, Josh

danforthfrance Maybe you can’t get over the Lakers being assholes, but I’m still hung up on the fact that LA has no lakes.

Zaius13 Is it “Cuntess” or “Cuntress”? I want this Mother’s Day card to be fridge worthy.

editorialgirl Also found a text file called “to do”. Inside: one line. “1) move that paper clip that I keep mistaking for a spider”. #wtf

jendenbrat I’m already placing bets that the next Fast & Furious movie will be called Fastier & Most Furiousest.

iasshole Reading Reader’s Digest is like letting your grandma drive the internet.

bazecraze Those commercials are more fun to watch if you pretend “going to Jared” is code for anal.

rolldiggity I know social media is supposed to replace newspapers, but I’ll never get used to draping myself across homeless people while they sleep.

lilpyrogirl It’s not the sunburned outline of sunglasses that makes me a redneck, it’s that I bought a moonpie & ran over an armadillo on the way home.

mammalpants I like to google things like,”when is the effing apocalypse because I’m burned out. do you hear me god? send a horse on fire soon”

Ahm76After I smelled that flower, I got confused about my sexuality. Am I florasexual? It’s been a long time since anyone’s pollinated my stigma.

tommycm been using ‘bob dylan’ as a euphemism for going to the toilet for some time now.

letsgetgizzy Eating at Arby’s is the new cutting yourself.

notthatkendall I want to thank the makers of Nintendo for making me believe I have the power to fix household objects by just blowing into them.


TheBlackStar Mancave is a gender specific form of poop chute, right?

thejohnblog That breakfast burrito was so good, I spoke to it in Parseltongue.

slackmistress Rapture hasn’t happened in England or Sweden. Which means the US IS GOING TO BE THE NUMBER ONE EXPORTER OF RAPTURLINGS! USA! USA! USA!

antigone_spit It’s the end of the world DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TOWEL IS

isplotchy News: Radiohead singer Thom Yorke held in smalltown Cali jail after drunken brawl at laundromat. PD Chief: “Carmel police, arrest this man!”

mathowie I can’t wait until the Post-Rapture weekend. Once the believers are gone, I’m totally getting gay married to a dog.

rolldiggity What kind of beat would a beet retweet if a beet could retweet beats?

MoRocca I kind of hope I get Left Behind. I need a staycation.

apelad So far the very best part of L.A. Noire is driving off without your partner, watching him try to catch up, then driving off again.

KeepingYouAwake 4 less followers to 400!!! Tell everyone you know! We can do this!

terrenceisdaman Nice try, Nabisco… But I think I’ll decide how many Oreos are in a serving.

peterbyrnes Elton John smiles after cutting the brake line on the wedding limo, and pats the lyrics to “Candle on the Wind III” in his breast pocket.

gordonshumway Can someone please make that daily deal site hire Triumph the Insult Comic Dog? “This cheapo oil change isn’t too shabby. FOR ME TO GROUPON”

probablydrunk Christ, I have risen.

himissjulie “ungrateful biscuit eating son of a bitch!” Oh, there’s a law and order criminal writer somewhere who really had to fight for that line.

catpostrophe FOR WHEN YOU SAW ONE SET OF PAWPRINTS IN THE SAND, IT WAS THEN THAT I RAN AWAY FROM THAT DOG.

MeganBoley There comes a time in a young boy’s life when he must be dressed in jorts and paraded around his dad’s office at lunchtime.


thatgirltricia There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.”

phyllisstein Stress-wise, songs with siren effects are pretty bad, but songs with “New Mail” pings are much worse.

phyllisstein “I love you to pieces” doesn’t make a lick’a sense. “I love you two pizzas”—now that’s a quantifiably huge amount of love.

christianduguay Buy some coasters. Put them in a kitchen drawer. Call friends and let them know you’re an adult now.

markleggett Why are you always trying to cock-block me, guys whose girlfriends I want to bone, people with daughters, the police, and all women?

WhyIsDaddyCryin was in the middle of writing when the thought “what the hell did Salt N Pepa mean by ‘shoop’ anyway?” I hate my brain sometimes.

KeepingYouAwake: My lawnmower has two speeds. One for chasing turtles and one for chasing bunnies. Does anyone else find this troubling?

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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