Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Sunday

15 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

 

Patheticist Radio Shack is the most literal name of any store.

mikeleffingwell No one ever talks about what an asshole Toddler Jesus was.

MariaMelee My effing PMS is like something out of Neverending Story. ARTAAAAXXXXXXXXXX.

MeganBoley the opposite of tacos is sadness.

louisvirtel My version of winning the lottery is following a car with a “Baby on Board” sticker and finding out the driver is Jennifer Grey.

pistolval i gave myself a papercut on the eyelid today. #justthatgood

MassageByTed I will purchase any product that makes senior citizens rap or do the conga.

cryanathus My patronus is a honey badger.

rstevens Apparently “do the mashed potato” means something other than I thought and also there are laws against doing that with vegetables in public.

swamibooba Some people use “Lorem ipsum”, I use Beck’s “Loser”.

mzeld If lying on my back and putting a pillow over my face doesn’t solve all my problems, I’m out of ideas.

iasshole Oh BOY bicyclist who just farmer-blew into the street hands-free, my panties just FLEW OFF here

ClevelandPoet and then I found a GIF of Hulk Hogan headbutting a Russian Flag and my day improved by +20

dino_dogan When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

LadyLiberal Having “Parents of the Year” t-shirts made since it was our preshus snowflake KICKING THE BABY JESUS STATUE in the outdoor nativity this am.

johnmoe Jimi Hendrix offered an internship and mentoring program for those who answered no on his “are you experienced” question.

jessnevins Marvel, for $2 a year I’d produce a weekly Economist-style column on how current economic situations are affecting your fictional countries.

premmeridian The Swype keyboard on my phone keeps ignoring my ‘u’ in ‘honour.’ EXCUSE ME IT IS NOT “HONOR” I AM CANADIAUAUAUAN.

badbanana It’s taken me this long to realize “Eurozone Crisis” wasn’t referring to a woman’s underarm area.

crom74 Our microwave died. It died cooking two pot pies. It finished cooking them. It was a trooper.

mjbz104 I’ve only left my house for a total of 2.5hrs in the past 6 days. My arm is starting to curve like the dorsal fin of a dolphin in captivity.

emoryshatzer When a mammoth is eventually cloned I hope it’s taken to that yokel Bible museum with the words painted on its side, “How you like me now?”

TheBlackStar Leave it to Kingston to mosh to minimalist piano twinkle twinkle little star.

purple_quark It may be time to Febreeze the dog.

inversejaik At Big Lots: Low-battery Xmas toy reciting “Visit from St Nick;” sounds like “A Lt. Worf Christmas.”

Handflapper I just thanked myself for a retweet AND called myself “sweetie.” #winningattwitter

FakePewResearch 98.5% of cardigan owners will kill again.

MmeSurly Ruby just called the bad guy from Inspector Gadget “Dr. Claus” which explains why she’s been so nervous lately.

ProfessorSnack Crotchety: pertaining to the groin. “After a week of not bathing, he smelled crotchety.”

AuntiPax Oh THAT was the deputy? Ok then I guess I shot him too. My bad.

FakeAPStylebook Considering the economic climate, have your gift guide include affordable items such as twigs, recyclable cans, and pretty good boxes.

CParkhurst1 I strongly suspect that after the fourth day of Christmas, someone started dropping hints that more bird gifts would not be appreciated.

hipstermermaid Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before weed, forget how to rhyme.

MeganBoley Twitter, I never say goodnight to you. I always just doze off in mid-conversation like we are at a 5th grade sleepover. Goodnigdkendkjszzzzz

corrinrenee Autocorrect just changed my name to Cotton Floater.

theleanover If I was a Hispanic hair dresser I would name my salon “Jesus Dyed.”


ncguk “We spent so long looking for the Higgs boson, and all the time it was in our hearts.” — Higgs Boson Christmas Special

sarahbellum Today was amazeballs, only without the amaze part.

juan_incognito Most of the time when I appear to be in deep thought, I’m just thinking about what I’m going to build with my Legos when I get home.

notthatkendall An awkward thing is trying to figure out how you will explain to a spambot that you don’t eat McDonalds.

sgnp Bras are pretty amazing. They’re MADE to have boobs shoved in ‘em! #HouseCleaningThoughts

abobrow This has been a shit year for my fantasy dictator team.

80sMomKara My 8 year old: “On Christmas, why don’t we go to that midnight madness thing over at that church in Biloxi?” Me: “You mean midnight MASS?”

Soulsmithy Scary poops are the price we pay for holiday potlucks.

theSethsquatch The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But only if you enter through his ass.

tehawesome That first trip to the bathroom after Thanksgiving is like a religious experience. And by that I mean an exorcism.

johnmoe The Kiss Army seemed too heavy so I signed up for the Kiss National Guard. I like them one weekend a month.

badbanana You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving weekend when your watch doesn’t fit anymore.

timcarvell I wish Etsy were a physical store, just so I could see people punching each other on Black Friday over crocheted Ramones shirts for birds.

ramisalame If Snoop Dogg told me his hobby was sculpting, I’d be like “Fo’ chisel?” and we’d high-five and laugh endlessly.

InfiniteChicken @theleanover Lucky. I’ve only had sloppy, random sex in an art gallery bathroom. (Thomas Kinkade retrospective—hard to NOT get horny.)

mikeleffingwell If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around… free tree!!!

mocoddle If I were to get some sort of voice-control typing software, all my tweets would be profanity and chupacabras.

geekandahalf Pretty sure I meant “bitches”, autocorrect, but good lookin’ out.

J__Swift I think I’ll buy something to cheer myself up. This gun oughta do it.

lemoneyes Waking up early makes it harder for me to stay up late. Too little sleep is what makes that seem like an insight.

rstevens In the Marvel Universe, a “Daily Bugle” is also a sex act.

LaurenBans How is the tagline for the McRib not “Ribbed For Your Pleasure?” How?

johnmoe Question about those Progressive commercials: why are people who are dead and in heaven concerned about car insurance?

eliza_evans  Good night, Internet. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

BillMc7  Tequila is like Instagram for your eyeballs.

slackmistress  In case any of you were feeling remotely attracted to me, my bra is filled with brownie crumbs.

tehawesome  Matt Damon plays an adventurous father who takes a big risk in the heartwarming comedy-drama We Bought a Zune.

WordShore   Hurrah! The Asian corner shop is open tomorrow, so if you are local and haven’t got a present from me yet, you’ll be getting a yam.

shinyinfo  I’m just saying. If there is a siege, the library WILL. NOT. FALL. I have metal bookends I will throw like ninja stars if need be.

meganamram Every time a bell rings, an angel trained by Pavlov starts to drool.

ProfessorSnack It appears that a cock ring isn’t part of the turkey preparation.

YourAuntDiane Hard to keep the dozens of turkeys hiding from the Turkey Holocaust in the attic quiet. And none are writing in the diary I gave them.

JRehling Before you decide you’re the world’s worst cook, I just burned a banana to ashes while peeling it.

MaybeNotSteve I’m so hungry I asked a horse to the prom and she said YES!!!

adiopink Re: woman who gestured at my dad & asked what my husband does. My sister says I should’ve replied: “He sleeps with my mom.”

apodixis Crowdsourcing question: does anyone know where the fuck I parked?

brand_BIG Bleh! I feel like Keith Richards looks.

Toaster_Pastry I’m an avid multitasker. Right now I’m tweeting on my iPad while I’m pooping in the shower.

tehawesome Just had to stop myself from shouting “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” upon winning a free game in Lord of the Rings pinball.

shelldash Google Music is apparently offering me (ME!) “free Dave Matthews Band concerts”. Wondering if Bing Music might counter with “free earplugs”.

notthatkendall “If being married doesn’t mean I can make you watch Home Alone repeatedly then I don’t understand what we’re doing here”

Alena29 I just uploaded a photo on FB that shows what it look like when you’re carrying an actual baby and a food baby…at the same time.

Caissie Every time I look at Ron Paul my mouth starts watering for a Werther’s Original! #TweetThePress

wordlust Two things I need to say more often are “I’m sorry” and “Choo-choo!”

RideOrDiePudge You guys who habitually change your avatars have given me a chilling sneak peak into living with Alzheimers.

TheMiaWarren Mystikal was a rapper who cared. He told you to shake your ass but he also told you to watch yourself.

jenstatsky I always say no to drugs. Mostly after I take a bunch of em and am like, “hey I’m gonna start talking to these drugs!”


PolyesterPony My xbox no longer listens when I say pause. We’ve grown so far apart.

AnnieLowrey  What is scarier: Toy-obsessed, super-judgmental, bearded trespasser, or winged lady who wants to trade dollar bills for teeth?

joversusvolcano When I go to Hogwarts I’m going to get a wand made out Keith Richards’ femur and unicorn pubes.

notthatkendall  I’m pretty sure you guys are repinning stuff just to fuck with me now.

Greeblemonkey  Good news: Didn’t break my arm ice skating yesterday. Bad News: It is so sore I’m having trouble doing laundry. WAIT. GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND.

slackmistress I don’t think I know who Ryan Gosling is which is probably a sign that my ladyparts are going to fall out.

pilotbacon I only drink coffee so I can stare at a blank Final Draft document for longer than usual.

mikeleffingwell Super surprised to find out the most popular song played at orgies is “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”

tommycm if today were a Labrador, I’d have it humanely put down.

Patheticist I feel guilty that I’ve spent more on myself than the rest of my entire family combined. I’m teaching them a Christmas lesson, probably.

danforthfrance My cat purrs like the Enterprise-D warp core. No YOU’RE never getting laid again!

heliumcell YEAH, CUT AWAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KEYBOARD SOLO. I REALLY WANT TO SEE WHAT THE DRUMMER IS DOING RIGHT THERE. OH COOL, HITTING A CYMBAL

rstevens THE JENNY IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BLOCK

JohnFugelsang it doesn’t count as pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

BorowitzReport Gingrich says he would leave Afghanistan “only if it has cancer.”

Handflapper You guys! YOU GUYS! I just typed “ehll” and my phone autocorrected it to “hell.” AUTOCORRECT FINALLY GETS ME!

shariv67 As you can imagine, Curious George did A LOT of experimentation in college.

jeff_ratfamily Even though no music is playing I’m doing my Mighty Mighty Bosstones dance in front of everyone & I invite you to do the same.

KaseyAnderson Why would I dance like nobody’s watching? People need to see this shit

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here Learn more about it in my FAQ.

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