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Follow Friday – Anthony’s Birthday

27 Jan

My husband Anthony and I have theory that most people tweet while using the bathroom.

“You tweet pretty regularly,” you might say to a friend. “Good for you!”

Or, “I’ve noticed you haven’t tweeted in awhile. I’m concerned. Are you getting enough fiber?”

Today is the birthday of my husband and best friend. This one’s for you, love.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

lunchyprices I don’t understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn’t name their baby ‘BeJay’.

mocoddle Watching Futurama means that the main character of any book I read after will be voiced, in my head, by Bender.

UnicornFlavored Me trying to encourage a girl @ gym: “You got this, girl! You’re a unicorn!” Another girl: “I don’t..what..I don’t get how she’s a unicorn”

NicLewis BLAST RADIUS #NewSweatpantsLogos

ElKaboing Pimples and Dimples #NewSweatpantsLogos

mitdasein COLOSTOMY #NewSweatpantsLogos

NicLewis DINGLE BERRIES #NewSweatpantsLogos

owlparliament LOOSE STOOLS #NewSweatpantsLogos

owlparliament I AM CORNHOLIO #NewSweatpantsLogos

NikkiGlaser Shouldn’t PINK be on the front of Victoria Secret sweatpants?

RideOrDiePudge Every licensed beautician should know what you’re talking about when you say “Give me the Greatest American Hero.”

johnmoe When you watch football with a 3yo, you learn that all the mans are hugging each other.

missokistic Rick Perry says South Carolina is at war with the federal government. He does know how that ended last time, right?

MassageByTed If I say “I don’t watch football” & you hear “Let’s discuss yesterday’s games at length,” then CONGRATULATIONS you’re management material.

ScrewyDecimal While reading a book about bears during storytime, I accidentally asked the kids “What sound does a BEER make?” Worst. Librarian. Ever.

Toaster_Pastry I used to get a free pen. Now I don’t get a free pen. I can put up with a lot of bullshit with a free pen.

coldcarryouts The language is love. The grammar is tacos.

shariv67 Babies are like those popular kids in high school who you want desperately to like you even though they treat you like shit.

ElwoodJBlues It seems wrong to be eating toaster waffles and tater tots while watching #TopChef, but here I am.

Smethanie Just think how many MORE pics of cats there’d be on the Internet if felines had opposable thumbs to take and upload bathroom mirror shots.

BridgetCallahan If Edith Wharton were alive today, she would totally be writing for Gossip Girl.

pattonoswalt Here, this should cover Wikipedia for 24 hours: The Beatles, Shakespeare, Anwar Sadat, Rhode Island, & anal fistula

jwordfish the internet just occupied itself

theleanover I wasn’t concerned about SOPA/PIPA until I realized it could shut down Garfield Minus Garfield.

gabek I’ve never blacked out from drinking before, but I’m willing to find out what it takes to support our stand against #SOPA.

JoeVelouria Jokes on you guys. I boycott SOAP twenty-two days a month.

oodja Pluto is a planet. #FactsWithoutWikipedia (Too soon?)

robdelaney #SOPA me, motherfuckers & I’ll use your other enemy, the glorious US Postal Service to MAIL my tweets to your kids.

TwoAdults Yesterday Ezra asked me where the Elf (Elphabet…) was. “I haven’t seen him around, Mama. Where is he? IS HE EATING TREATS?!!!”

robdelaney Simultaneous orgasms are cool, but when you’ve been with someone for a while, simultaneous farts are fun too.

SpaghettiJesus “I CAN’T BELIEVE PAULA DEEN IS A DIABETIC!” – said no one bc Paula Deen is the historic source of all diabetes.

johnmoe Fun day of RTs. Thanks to Marvin Luther King, Martin Lutheran King, Martian Luther King, and the Luther Kings from all the other planets.

duckyouforever I’m live chatting Oprah’s interview with Gov. Chris Christie and there’s a joke in here somewhere but I think it’s on me.

MrBigFists Elevator? Nonsense. This is a traveling hugging booth and I see you’ve selected the button for 16 hugs. So let’s get to it. Come here, you!

shelikespurple I may not be planning to have any more babies, but I do plan to wear my maternity yoga pants for the rest of my life.

morninggloria Was disappointed to discover that mammograms aren’t short boob-related messages. Even sadder that there is no “singing mammogram” option.

owlparliament @exlibris Have I ever told you about the time I got confused with Swiper and said “Snatcher no snatching!” real loud?

tommycm my early misspelling of ‘existential’ has made the crisis all the more telling.

robdelaney I fucking jizz every morning when I tear yesterday’s page off my cat calendar & see a NEW cat in a fun situation!

thebryanchamp I’d like to have sex with a rich person because they’re really good at fucking the poor.

MagpieLibrarian SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET IS WRONG!

willgoldstein I already regret staying up this late for tomorrow. I pregret it. #newword #feelfreetouseit

thecajunboy Mitt Romney just asked the boys to toss some more cash logs into the fire.

SpeakerBoehner Man, I am DESTROYING this chair with farts. Is this thing over yet? #SOTU

markleggett Male cyclists shouldn’t be allowed to have ponytails, so I don’t have to question my sexuality on the drive to work every morning.

alwysabridesmd I hope no one else is at the gym tonight so I can pass gas with impunity during my run. Sorry I ate all those lentils you guys.

markleggett Last night’s dream starred Tim Curry. My imagination spares no expense.

theleanover Obvious joke? OK, Obvious joke: Hyperbole is the worst thing that ever happened to language.

Guydelines Anti-drug campaigns should simply be pictures of Steven Tyler with the phrase “He does drugs!”

MassageByTed I hope some casting agents saw my heroic sprint for the bus this morning.

finslippy I’m sure I can have one more cup of coffee and I’ll be just whoops I’m having a heart attack.

JRehling I just sneezed as I was about to click on something and now everything on my computer is in Malaysian.

pnkrcklibrarian Fell asleep last night watching Antiques Roadshow. Party hard, bitches! Party. Hard.

gonnakillhim “Teach me how to” may be the scariest words to type into Google.

johnhenrymuller Our 7-year-old started using air quotes. It’s about to get “real.”

mstcambot just watched a squirrel successfully pick up an empty iced coffee cup, turn it over, and drink out of the straw. DAY = MADE.

alwysabridesmd On the one hand, I just dropped a tampon on the counter while paying for overpriced water. On the other, I got the elevator to myself. Hm.

nickkroll I would totally elect Mitt Romney to be an actor in Viagra commercial.

shinyinfo I outreach like a son of a bitch. I am out reaching like no other person has reached out before in their ridiculous reaching lives!

thejohnblog Before Bruce Willis figured out he was a ghost in ‘The Sixth Sense,’ his character was probably worried it had been so long since he pooped.

robdelaney Women are like canoes. Actually they’re really more like kayaks. Which one has the pointy things? OK; I don’t understand canoes/women.

MassageByTed I think I’ll go home and record some club music by combining a super loud click track and the autotuned bleating of one wounded sheep.

luckyshirt I just wish facebook would try to fit more information into my eyeballs all at once.

duckyouforever Please be advised that there will no longer be a day known as Monday. In the Hobbit tradition, we now have Second Sunday.

rolldiggity “Yeah, I guess I’m a pretty good water receptacle.” -Glass that is half full of itself

justaboutagirl 10 am and we already need another pot of coffee. I’m so proud of us!

danforthfrance I may have had too much coffee, he said performing Chopin’s Military Polonaise as a hambone.

UnicornFlavored It trips me out that a lady wearing “mom jeans”, clogs, and a Navajo print mini backpack would be considered more fashionable than me.

gracehelbig Happy Butter, Paula Dean! Oh god, I mean birthday. How insensibutter of me. Ah! I’m butter! Sorry! Ah! Your heart works so hard!

thegrumbles dear @keli_h, i will share the same sage advice that was told to me as a boy-mom, “now you’ve had TWO penises in you at the same time.”

jenstatsky Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses — I’m making a weird ass collage.

OhNoSheTwitnt Apparently shouting “where’s your G now?!” on Monday mornings at all my coworkers who say “TGIF!!” on Fridays isn’t very “professional.”

chickenscottpie Accidentally said “automatic death” instead of “sudden death,” and now I think “automatic death” would make football way more interesting.

mikeleffingwell My favorite sequels are Wrath of Khan, The Dark Knight, and World War II.

UnicornFlavored I was going to ask Kyle if he’d get me a glass of water since he was near the kitchen, til I noticed he was elbow deep in a ball scratch.

pattonoswalt That long-handled shoehorn was the iPhone 4S of 1916. #DowntonPBS

pattonoswalt Is there a form of sexuality called “homo-Bates-ual”? #DowntonPBS

lauracope remind me to take all these browser tabs to the Goodwill when i get home.

nancyupton The ultimate first world problem? Getting truffle salt in your eye after making scrambled egg whites. Let’s all hate me together.

GoonSquadSarah Ian just told his playdate “It is your time to shine!”

alyankovic Paul’s First Blog Post to the Corinthians #UpdatedNewTestament

jenstatsky Just spent 15 minutes trying to zipper my coat, then sent my parents an apology for sending me to college.

RideOrDiePudge Apparently my efforts to lead an impromptu slave revolt went unappreciated by the management of Colonial Williamsburg.

JVdesigns And for those who think there is no good in the world, a dude just paused a drug transaction to tell me I dropped my glove

robdelaney DOCTORS ONLY: Did Paula Deen catch diabetes when that guy threw a ham at her face?

VegasWalkinDude “We built this titty. We built this titty from silicone. Built this titty. We built this titty from silicone.” – Plastic surgeon rock anthem

badbananaThrowing a pie in Newt Gingrich’s face is at least a two-pie job.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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I Can’t Decide On Just One, So I’m Sending Them All

25 Dec

Scrapbook: Sweeping at the Library

6 Nov

Last week my Mom and I took Isobel to the special Halloween program at the library. It was packed beyond anything I’d ever seen. A sea of toddlers and babies, bedecked in adorable costumes, squirming as we sang songs and motioned through finger plays.

Isobel normally loves interacting with kids at the library and wanders around gregariously among the children during story time. There were so many people that this time she stuck close to home and even sat on my lap. She kept saying, “I’m a little shy.” I’d conservatively estimate there were 75-100 people there that day.

While we waited for the library to open, she busied herself by sweeping up the leaves that had gathered by the entrance. She is such a clean, hardworking witch.

Life List: Whale Watching

17 Oct

To celebrate my birthday I wanted to cross something off my Life List. This year: whale watching.

I am experiencing something of a health crisis so I’m short on words but I wanted to share the photos. I’ll write about my trip another time. I promise. Despite my current issues, it was awesome.

A sweet couple celebrating their 40th anniversary brought enough champagne for everyone on the ship.

Dramamine made us sleepy.

Scrapbook: Team Mismatch

9 Oct

We live in a college town and our house is situated less than a mile away from the university. One of the houses on our street was rented out to a bunch of college dudes. Although they weren’t a fraternity, hey were all affiliated with each other through a love of drag racing and some of them got matching vinyl stickers on their cars declaring them members of Team Mismatch. Which Anthony and I thought was hilarious, seeing as how the stickers matched, but anyway. Speaking of mismatching…

Isobel’s latest quirk is her insistence upon wearing two different shoes. It’s like she woke up one day and realized, hey, I don’t have to choose between my two favorite shoes like a sucker! I can wear both! Although I have taken her to storytime at the library with two different shoes before I can usually convince her to wear a matching pair of shoes if she can at least wear mismatched socks.

It’s not that I mind the ridiculousness of toddler fashion. My mom is quite fond of reminding me about a time when I was two years old and I would not leave the house to go to the doctor’s office without my GIANT Elton John-esque sunglasses, my Halloween jack-o-lantern (it was July), and my favorite tee shirt which read, “I Am One-of-a-Kind!”

It’s that she always chooses one shoe that is at least two sizes too big. That can’t be comfortable, and besides, it keeps falling off.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by this behavior, given my predilection for interesting outfits and Isobel’s history of wearing bunny ears to the grocery store, dressing up fancy to wait for the garbage man, or donning her witch hat to visit the grandparents.

It’s obvious she’s already way cooler than I am.

Scrapbook: Isobel’s Perfect Heart

2 Oct

Anthony and I were spending some time outside with Isobel one evening when she took the chalk and drew a perfect heart. “I drew a heart!” she said proudly. Anthony and I were surprised to say the least. I ran to get my camera, but of course by the time I came back with it she had scribbled all over it. But it’s there. Her perfect heart.

Scrapbook: Goodbye Summer

25 Sep

Flipbook: Summer

20 Sep

Scrapbook: Jose and Lupe’s Wedding

19 Sep

I don’t think I could sum up all the fun we had at our friends’ Jose and Lupe’s wedding. A million wonderful things happened, large and small, and it seems impossible that all those events were packed into two short days. I’m not even going to attempt a recap, so instead I’m just going to share snippets of my my favorite memories. These are the things I’ll remember:

The Mexican folk sayings that were read as part of the ceremony. Anthony leaning over and whispering their meanings in my ear, as the entire ceremony was conducted in Spanish.

The absolute, exquisite beauty of Lupe. Gorgeous on a bad day, she looked like a goddess.

Stef and I dressing like identical little old ladies.

Melynda’s awesome black feather fascinator.

How skinny Angela looked.

How nice Zack looked.

How utterly happy Jose and Lupe looked.

How, as a group, we managed to stand in the least convenient spots for a group to stand in throughout our trip.

Heading to dim sum post-ceremony because Dave threatened to catch and eat lizards.

Stef and I spilling bits of dim sum on our dresses. I accidentally dropped rice in my bra and told everyone I’d be throwing it at Jose and Lupe later.

Seeing our friend Aaron again for the first time in years.

Everyone sharing whatever they ordered.

Dave ordering the giant meat balls.

 The inevitable piping match that broke out while waiting for the piñata.

Jake and Ben’s best men speech, and how they tied in Jose’s love of comics and superheroes.

The first drink I ordered wasn’t mixed properly and it came out so gross I couldn’t help but say, “Oh, gross! This tastes like the dentist!” This prompted so much curiosity from my friends that we passed the drink around the table and everyone sampled “the dentists drink.”


Jacob, who had been drinking, trying to convince his younger brother Caleb, who had not been drinking, to drive Ben’s car home because Ben is drunk. Although Caleb immediately agrees to drive the car, Jacob continues to try to persuade Cay to drive home for at least five more minutes, wherein Cay agrees to do it several more times. Fun fact: Ben is not actually drunk. At all.

Angela and I dancing to a song and realizing everyone knows the words to except us. Agreeing it’s not on our ipods nor is it from a children’s song. Realizing we are old.

The pastel song, and me explaining to everyone that the lyrics were basically “We want cake, cake, cake, cake, cake!” Everyone’s surprise at its meaning, followed by everyone agreeing that it was the best song ever. Angela declaring, “I want that as my ringtone!”

Lupe’s parents, who were among the first on the dance floor and the last to leave. They danced us all under the table.

The crazy crack-the-whip game the single men and women played before the bouquet and garter toss. The men flying by while we cheered for our friends. The line snaking past us and Jake shouting back, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!” Poor Zack at the end, taking a beating.

Dancing to Mexican music with no real knowledge of how to do so. Looking completely ridiculous. The wildly inappropriate dancing we were doing in general. The wedding photographers crowding around us to take photos of the crazy white people.

The little boy who crashed hard and fell asleep before the reception was over. How sweetly he was draped over his father’s shoulder as he was carried home.

Realizing we’re probably going to make fun of Angela’s mom when we’re ninety, at which point we’ll have to end each joke with “may she rest in peace.”

Being driven back to the hotel by Melynda and Justin and comparing Dick Cheney to a honey badger while drunk tweeting. The first tweet made me sound way drunker than I was because autocorrected changed almost every word in that sentence. In autocorrect’s defense, however, I have no idea what I was actually trying to say. And, incase you were wondering, yes, Melynda is my homepants.

The $4.00 bottle of water in every hotel room.

The imagining the people who used to live in historic Dolce Hayes Mansion.

The telephones next to the toilets.

Discovering the copy of the Teachings of Buddha in lieu of the traditional Bible in our hotel drawer.

Anthony falling asleep on the Walton’s hotel room bed, snoring in the middle of our conversation. Stefanie saying I was going to have to fireman-carry him back to the hotel room. Me waking him up and Anthony thinking we’re calling it a night because I’m tired.

Waking up the next day and finding our hotel to be out of the motherfucking coffee. Inconceivable! Doesn’t this hotel know that we are old and hung over and we need our goddamn coffee?

Stealing hotel chairs from the various lounge areas to add to the Walton’s hotel room as it filled with more and more people.

The table at breakfast with the inane graffiti.

Justin, grabbing my camera to take photos while I am dancing. As is our custom, we will each take the other’s camera and take photos on it when the other is not around, including at least one gratuitous shot of someone’s butt. Justin, upping the ante by taking three gratuitous butt shots, including one belonging to his dancing, and completely unaware, wife.

The constant, hilarious, occasionally staged, photo bombs. It practically became a competition by the end of the night.

Anthony waking up early and staggering into the bathroom. He makes such a strange noise I think he must be barfing excess alcohol. Worried, I rush in to find him standing at the sink, water bottle in hand, crying, “FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS?!”

Scrapbook: Yosemite

5 Sep

I hope you are enjoying your Labor Day weekend! Right now we are just getting back from watching one of our oldest friends marry another good friend. Recently, though, we took a trip to Yosemite. As I mentioned earlier, we’re not going to be doing this again until she’s older. We had a good time, but herding her around and making sure she wasn’t discovering creative new ways to injure herself took all of our energy. We felt like the Secret Service, clearing the perimeter, ensuring at least one of us had a visual at all times, and trying to convince our VIP that she shouldn’t wander into the bike lane. It was exhausting.

But we had fun! Our favorite parts involved water, and not just because Isobel enjoyed it so much: the temperature was in the high nineties and I wanted to keel over every time I ventured into the sun. I’m used to this baking, relentless heat in my home in the Valley as it’s a part of living here. But there’s something demoralizing about getting excited to visit a lush forest, a national treasure,  and finding you’d prefer to sit in the car with the air conditioning on full blast. Sacrilege, I know.

We found solace in the Yosemite river twice. First, before our picnic we stopped by the lower portion of Yosemite Falls. The river was so low families were climbing in to cool off their toes and wade as deeply into the frigid water as they could stand. We climbed down to the river bed and the water was as shockingly cold as the sun was scorching. Usually venturing into the water at Yosemite Falls is only for those with a death wish, but this late in summer the river is more rock than water.

After our picnic, which was punctuated with constant requests from Isobel to “go pet the squirrels,” we hiked down river and found shady little spot just right for exploring. This was the most relaxed we were the whole trip, and it was nice to sit on the cool rocks and listen to the shushsush of the water and watch Isobel contentedly pretend her stick was a fishing pole. The best part (and you can see this in some of the pictures on my flickr) is that after we got there some dude decided that this spot on the river was the perfect place to stop and meditate among the beauty of nature. Which, I’m sure it was, but nature’s splendor had to compete with the joyous cries of my daughter repeatedly saying, “HOLA! I’M ISOBEL! DO YOU WANT TO GO FISHING WITH ME? YAY, I LIKE FISHING! ME TOO!”

I mean, we were there first, so he had to know what he was getting into when he plunked down into the lotus position. If he was actually able to tune out Isobel’s voice then we may have been in the presence of a Buddha himself. Also, while she was singing and shouting and splashing she was also wading into the river up to her shins. It’s a good thing I packed extra clothes.

If you’re interested, you can see more photos from our trip to Yosemite here, including a shot of the smoke from the wildfire that detoured our route by a good forty minutes.  I hope your weekend was long and relaxing.