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Scrapbook: Anthony’s Nap

20 Aug

Anthony had a late night one weekend.

Anthony: What are you doing?

Me: I’m putting this mushroom next to you and taking your picture.

Anthony: Why?

Me: Because you’re adorable when you’re sleepies! Also you remind me of my garden gnome.

Anthony: …

Me: *click click click*

Anthony: …

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Scrapbook: Kingston & the Magic Factory

16 Aug

Isobel and Kingston are like any modern couple. She works from home while he drops off the children off at daycare on his way to work at the Magic Factory.

He wears his magic hat with pride, secure in the knowledge that he is providing the American economy with magic for years to come.

But he’s not defined by his job. Warlock? More like Warjock!

A well-rounded worker makes for a well-rounded America.

Follow Friday – Jupey’s Harem

12 Aug

"O hai I'm Jupey."

That handsome fella in the photo above is Jupiter, whom you may remember from such posts as  “My Cat is a Magician and Shapeshifter.” One day he lost his collar and instead came home with the collar he had previous lost over six months ago. He has brought me more injured animals and headless lizards than I ever would have thought possible, but his tastes have shifted recently. After the slightly paranormal collar incident, he brought home a small blue dream catcher. Odd. Very odd indeed. Till a few days later, when I saw him pop over the fence with something else in his mouth. Something so large he was in fact having a hard time getting it over the fence. Oh god, I thought to myself, what could it be this time?

Turns out, it was a Barbie doll. The first day he just brought the one over, but after that he started bringing more and more. He’d bring them home just as fast as I’d keep chucking them back over the fence. We now get shipments of three or four Barbies a day. I’ve already explained to the neighbor family what is going on, and thank goodness they love Jupey or I’d have to lock him up inside again. And no one wants that. Trust me.

With the exception of the lavender doll (Isobel’s favorite) he brings us exclusively brunette dolls. My cat has a type. And a naked lady fetish.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

danforthfrance I’ve got no food in the house, so when I feel hungry I just give the cat a treat. Karma, your move.

trelvix I don’t think we can go after the Newsweek Sarah Bachmann photo as sexist unless we’re talking about what it did to my frightened ball sack.

heyitsurban Is it too late to return the Louisiana Purchase? We must still have the receipt. #BudgetAmerica

LIFECOACHERS Go forth into the world tomorrow bearing the bright light of inspiration and some artfully concealed sharp-edged weapon.

koalohauke Me: Hi, nice to see you. Gym: Do I know you…?

apodixis Ball gags make great cat toys!

sgnp I completely forgot that earlier today I saw a Honda Odyssey with blue truck nuts. I know there are more important things, but still.

malkatz I had no clue it’s Women’s Day, but that makes my gynecologist appointment later today much more meaningful.

mat The best thing about being a guy in your late 30s is discovering all the cool new places you can grow hair.

NicLewis I was worried the beautiful people in this show wouldn’t find love again. That was a tense 15 seconds.

thegrumbles Klout believes I am influential about yogurt. They’re not wrong.

Booktown_ninja No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

MeganBoley I assume I should stick to classic frosty. #livetweetingwendys #myliiiiiiifffe

jess_mc If Tim Pawlenty were AT ALL like Sarah Palin, people would have noticed him standing there by now.

milkglassheart Just mortified myself remembering how I sang The Owl & The Pussycat like a lounge singer when I was little.

WordShore Made the mistake of turning on the news. Not doing that again for a while. Back to reading about food on a stick. #IowaStateFair

rydka Shitlists. They happen.

"Is this better or worse than the dead parrot I brought you?"

wigu Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? & why are the birds vultures? And why do you smell faintly of death?

That_Biz Just put a couple cows worth of cheese in this macaroni and cheese. If that doesn’t help my mood then nothing will.

goodinthestacks Despite the hilarity that may have ensued, I corrected “plague” to “plaque” in a memo written by my boss.

PolyesterPony Having one men’s room at the office means I know way more about my coworkers digestive habits than anyone should be forced to know.

massagebyted #FF Patrick Stewart saying “Beverly” in a stern voice.

rstevens Honk if you have been bitten by a were-automobile and no longer have any other method of communicating.

BridgetCallahan I refuse to let my mother end up standing in the middle of the woods on her farm calling” BJ!” into the twilight.

SpaghettiJesus I bet Glenn Beck is just masturbating in a pile of Gold and MREs right now.

wheelfreed According to my gym, an Elton John slow song really energizes. Nothing like an explosive squat or bench press to “Candle in the Wind.”

stray I’d like to thank my credit card company for texting me at 3:13 this morning to let me know they’d processed my payment. Thanks, assholes.

theleanover Hard times down at the Viagra factory.

jillgengler So if your first two kids are named Brooklyn and London, do you have any choice *but* to name baby #3 Paris? #notrhetorical

ericsiry To give you some insight as to what an amazing athlete I am, last night I pulled a calf muscle in my sleep.

alyankovic My 8-year-old daughter totally fell asleep at the table during dinner last night. That girl can NOT hold her alcohol.

raymitheminx Can you be a mommy blogger if your baby is all food?

MrWordsWorth In this Final Destination film, Death dies.

SarahIvy Home alone tonight….that means wine and jalapeno popper dip and fritos. Aw yeah.

My cat has a naked lady fetish. Also he prefers brunettes.

sarcasmically @_Biscuit_ you’re like Chuck Norris. You don’t catch the fish; they’re so terrified that they jump into the boat seeking the solace of death.

Athenabee It seems as though the neighbor standing in our driveway is the worst thing that’s ever happened to my dog.

PlumeriaSprite Ad campaign to convince public to accept water reclamation project: “Toilet to Tap”. That marketing director will never be hired again.

kellyloveszoey Zoey is putting her face down in her food and eating it like a dog and laughing, soooo… My work is done.

wolfwalking I wish I had a nail elf to paint my right hand for me. He would follow me around & live off tea, honey & brownies& also apply false lashes.

johnmoe This is gonna suck when the US goes to the dealer to buy that sweet pickup it had its eye on.

birbigs I hope this is cool but I put down all my twitter followers as my “emergency contact” at the hospital.

theRratedBull I admire DJ’s. Not just for their talent and skill but also for their ability to play some of the bullshit people request.

ericsiry Next time you stop to smell the roses, remember that flowers are a plant’s genitals, and that you’re gross.

sgnp I expect that when I’m old and not so mobile, my daughter is going to tickle me like crazy. I will feebly slap her with my robot arms.

sbellelauren don’t worry if you don’t have good credit it’s patriotic now

apelad My investment portfolio is a stack of old X-Men comics and an earring I found that might be a diamond.

DaveHolmes That “OBAMA’S HIP-HOP BBQ DOESN’T CREATE JOBS” Fox headline took jobs away from people who write parodies of Fox headlines.

Greeblemonkey Overheard at @sandiegozoo, from a 5yo-looking girl: “The best pooper here, elephants. Best peeer, tooooootally the orangutans.”

alecmuffett #Defcon very romantic. Many couples walking around. Some of them are actually married. Some portion of those, to each other.

"I have Stockholm Syndrome."

raamatuid Nancy Drow – A young darkelf detective solves mysteries in the Underdark #bookswithaletterchanged

BtotheD Trying to put together a senior citizen super band called Baby Got Back Problems, which is easier said than done.

jszyd I am so hungry, my stomach is making noises as if I just ate Taco Bell.

NicLewis Rome is ablaze. As its citizens run from the flames in terror, Emperor Nero frantically washes his toga. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

theleanover Apes touch a large, black monolith. They learn shame, then learn to weave leaves into clothes, begin to do laundry. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

Kouban Enterprise engine room. Bottle of Tide manifests within warp core. Geordi removes VISOR, sheds a single tear. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

InfiniteChicken Clergy, Leaders of Man behold bottle of Tide, destroy their machines & fall prostrate before their new God. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

mocoddle Dexter. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

InfiniteChicken Children frolic and make sand castles on the beach. Camera pans left, a box of Tide is there. Cue Coldplay song. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

InfiniteChicken Split screen of Tide with ‘Other Detergent;’ Tide has a much larger penis #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

DaisyJDog If you’re looking for me at DogHer I am skipping it this year to spend more time with my food. #DogHer11

deathoftheparty In order to avoid people you can’t stand, you now have to get OFF the computer and retreat to life.

lovegrrbottle turns out it’s not the best idea to put sex toys in a box marked “games” and open it up for the first time when you have company over.

Jesus_M_Christ I watched the Jersey Shore tonight. p.s. Jesus wept.

ThisBowers Double dip recession sounds both disturbing and delicious.

LouisPeitzman I’m not saying I had a rough childhood, but I didn’t learn about microwaving Pop Tarts until college.

johnmoe It’s good that the world’s greatest basketball player had a cool name like Michael Jordan and not Barfington McGillicuddy.

lllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaadies

benmarvin Internet Explorer is only good for 3 things:1) Downloading Chrome 2) Downloading FireFox 3) Testing your new malware deployment

apodixis In the end, @favstar isn’t just a website, it’s an ideal we hold in our hearts. Although it’s also a website that has been down all morning.

brianericford I decree that the Google/Apple/Microsoft mobile patent scheming shall henceforth be known as: “Game of Phones”

theleanover No one’s too dumb to be on Twitter! #TwitterMoneymakingSlogans

Zaius13 I’m not embarrassed that everyone saw me picking my nose during the meeting, but I do kind of regret making it the core of my presentation.

TheNextMartha Last night I was told by security to try and “keep it down.” I think my job here is done.

shinyinfo Volunteer heard we give a long rendition of “Backstreet’s Back” when I thought she was out of the room. Kill myself now or later??

hot_spunk I saw a dude pour sugar into a 44 ounce soda at 7-11. America is doomed.

altgeldshrugged Microsoft Word recognizes the typed word “Kardashian.” It’s official; the terrorists have won.

damana If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

BridgetCallahan Smart thinking and awesome thinking are not always the same thing.

walkingborder I just found a random slim jim on my desk under some papers. I didn’t know it was my birthday!

nataliebinder OK, so there’s an all-male Lady Gaga tribute band called Rad Bromance.

shariv67 “Betty Crocker rocks out with her crock out.” That one’s a freebie, General Mills. Hit me up.

JillMorris 4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.

"Mo-om, Jupey caught a dream."

LaurenGberg Sending my hopes & dreams to a farm upstate where they’ll be free to play all day long with other hopes & dreams.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

From Robots with Love

30 Jun

It’s time for another round of Useful Life Content!

Behold, my spam filter:

No thanks! I’m on a diet.

This comment pretty a lot says it all.

I make it a policy never to chat with robots. My twitter wife would leave me.

Without becoming a Geek? Oh man, you’ve come to the wrong blog…

Your Mom’s on-page one. I totally optimized her.

Did you just greet me like that neighbor from Tool Time, or are you insulting my womanly honor?

Better luck next time, robots!

SEO for Gangsters

26 May

I’m not just a gangster. I’m a successful gangster.

Happy Mother’s Day

8 May

Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful mothers out there who put in the hard work, day after day, in a mostly thankless job. Your children are so lucky to have you.

Still Sick

5 May

So I’m still pretty sick, and I’ve run out of prepared posts so I’m taking a cue from Gen with a G and sharing an awesome video with you instead. I was totally going to blame this sickness on Gen, too, but she had the stomach flu and whatever’s wrong with me is more on the Strep throat spectrum of Hell. I’m going to the doctor today so at the very least I can get a doctor’s note and assuage my massive guilt about missing work when I should be conducting inventory.

Anyway, Gen’s video is about what happens when Oscar Wilde meets Jersey Shore. I don’t even watch Jersey Shore but I have a basic, rudimentary knowledge of pop culture so it was fucking hilarious. I highly recommend you go check it out after your done over here. Also, I love Gen’s writing. Probably more than is appropriate.

This video is called “Roll a D6” which is a parody of 1. a popular song I’ve never heard of and 2. Dungeons and Dragons. If you (or someone you love) has been seduced by the roll of the dice, this video is for you.

Last but not least, whenever I’m anywhere near the computer Isobel asks to watch “bunny videos.” So this one’s technically from her.

Spamalot

2 May

I missed the boat on providing you with the quality content of at least two spam filter posts. I didn’t realize they were auto-deleted after a set amount of time, so when a funny one would come in I’d just leave it in the filter while deleting the rest. I checked in this morning and found all new messages–the old ones Iv’e saved were long gone. This next batch is so awesome it more than makes up for it.

I love indignant spam comments. They are so self-righteous and full of themselves. It’s cute. Here they are, questioning the source of the article at hand, in this case, in a post about my daughter. I guess the source for this post would be my vagina.

I am excited your whole one friend is going to read me now. Verily excited!

BUMMER, DUDE.

Thanks! I’m well known for my vulgarizing. All throughout grade school my teachers would write on my report card, “Good student! Quite vulgar.”

This comment was left on the post wherein I lamented that we put a man on the moon but cannot design a reasonably affordable hands-free breast pump. I don’t know if the comment was inentional or just moment of seredipity, but it sounds like he wants to be a part of the solution.

And finally, this last one adds injury to insult:

First of all, it’s disgusting that spammers troll family blogs looking to profit on someone else’s struggle and pain. Secondly, it’s nowhere near Christmas. And thirdly, I definitely don’t want to know about this fertility method if it thinks that people everywhere are regularly turned on by the Christmas season.

Your Baby Can Read

25 Apr

As a parent and a librarian, imagine how excited I was to find the Your Baby Can Read! Early Reading System. Despite the claims by child development “experts” that this system was basically  “snake oil”, you can just tell the system works by that very intelligent-looking baby on the cover. I mean, look at that hat! I decided to partner with this company to bring you a few more titles to boost the skills of  your baby’s early child development.

Reading is just the beginning. Give your baby a leg up on all those other snooty kids by teaching them hieroglyphics! Nothing says “my mommy loves me more than your mommy loves you” than a kid who’s familiar with a preliterate artistic tradition of an ancient people.

Act now, and in addition to learning ideograms, buy Your Baby Can Read… Palms! It won’t help her achieve when it comes to standardized testing, but she’ll be great fun at parties. (At least, I’m guessing she will be, just look at that Fame Line!)

And parents who really love their children aren’t going to leave without also purchasing Your Baby Can Read! Minds! This video is the most riveting of the set, consisting of nothing but a three-hours of Hyponotoad.

Parenting is hard work, you guys, but you can make your investment pay for yourself by teaching your baby to count… cards! No really, we can get rich off this. Some say it’s risky, but what Vegas casino is going to suspect a baby?

To succeed in this fast-paced world, your baby is going to need all the help they can get. So it’s a good thing we’re here for you.

Weekend

17 Apr

Someone got up. Fussed. Decided it wasn’t worth it. Fell back asleep.