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Scrapbook: Christmas Decorations

18 Dec

 

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Follow Friday: Christmas Elf

16 Dec

Today’s Follow Friday is brought to you by Isobel’s $1.oo thrift store Santa dress. It’s the miniature version of the Christmas dress of my dreams, and since it just barely fits her this is probably the only time she will get to wear it. I’m trying to get as much mileage out of it as possible.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

rileyroxme Can’t wait for the day C.P.S shows up and they’re like “Twitter.” and I’m like “Hold on while I livetweet this blowjob.”

JulieFredericks Newt is having a surge. Gross.

suitcasetricks Email from my husband: “I love you and the Hamburger Helper I’m eating for breakfast.” This guy really knows how to talk to the ladies.

thejohnblog My boss is in the stall next to me. Is it brown nosing if I periodically say “Good one, boss?” Because OH GOD HE TAPPED MY FOOT

dadourianbow Get the fuck outta here you beanie wearing motherfucker. #MerryDissmas

MmeSurly Ruby just called the bad guy from Inspector Gadget “Dr. Claus” which explains why she’s been so nervous lately.

shariv67 I never thought I’d see a day when our phones were smarter than us, and yet here we are.

ProfessorSnack Crotchety: pertaining to the groin. “After a week of not bathing, he smelled crotchety.”

michellehudson Getting in a very sappy life-loving mood this morning. Must be the second cup of coffee.

eliza_evans Do not sign a professional email with ‘Hugs!’ Just don’t.

milonguera @MeganBoley I quoted The Jerk in a reply yesterday. And then favorited myself. Super winner.

neiltyson Suffering existential angst over a Pluto-less mnemonic? Try “My very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nachos”

MeganBoley And yet, I find myself quoting Anchorman in my inner dialogue multiple times a day. So I guess my inner dialogue is obnoxious.

Lilacmess @exlibris You can see Avery Brooks trying to keep that crazy tamed but sometimes he has to let it run free.

simontarr Having an allergic reaction to something. My eyes are so swollen I look like a UC Davis student.

sween Sometimes I see parents with their kids and I get jealous. [Sips beer. Plans leisure activities. Counts disposable income.] So jealous.

jberthume The Dew is required. I am doing it.

ProfessorSnack I just want to get toned enough that dogs want to hump my leg again. #NewYearsResolution

MmeSurly I think Gwyneth Paltrow and I have a lot in common. For instance: I think we both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.

AuntiPax Oh THAT was the deputy? Ok then I guess I shot him too. My bad.

MariaMelee The BBQ I had for lunch is haunting me in a profound way.

pnkrcklibrarian Aging, alternative hipsters apparently spend their nights stuffing balls and listening to a lecture on land tax in England from 1692 – 1963

MrWordsWorth Zombies celebrate the holidays with a Perducken: a person stuffed with a duck and a chicken.

shelldash Google Music is apparently offering me (ME!) “free Dave Matthews Band concerts”. Wondering if Bing Music might counter with “free earplugs”.

CandyWarhole You don’t know what you got ’til its diagnosed by a licensed physician.

theRratedBull When Texans ask me why I moved to Kansas I just tell ’em I’m a storm chaser because it’s the only reason they could possibly comprehend.

ecsuperhero I have the best work Secret Santa. So far I’ve gotten a wine glass and a McDonald’s g/c. Alcohol and fatty food? YOU COMPLETE ME, SANTA.

sgnp If you want to know how long a minute is, my daughter will be happy to ask you every single second of one.

badbanana My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

donni Tuneless whistling is about to be the #1 cause of murder-suicides on this bus.

slackmistress I don’t think I know who Ryan Gosling is which is probably a sign that my ladyparts are going to fall out.

sarcasmically …Is UPS not doing too well? Because the UPS man just rolled up to my house in a golf cart.

jenstatsky A lot of oddly-shaped presents get a bad wrap.

sarcasmically Just yelled “USE YOUR WORDS” at the whining dog, so it’s probably time I called it a day.

rstevens Warning to all who visit: My wifi is now called Invisible Touches

badbanana “I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don’t want a blue collar job.” – Everyone who eventually becomes a judge.

theleanover If reality was better we probably wouldn’t need pretend talking.

pilotbacon I only drink coffee so I can stare at a blank Final Draft document for longer than usual.

mikeleffingwell Super surprised to find out the most popular song played at orgies is “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”

johnmoe Still unclear whether the next debate will be hosted by Larry the wacky neighbor from Three’s Company or Jo from Facts of Life.

mylifeasadad I’m scraping Alela’s two day old butternut squash purée off my sweater because really, no one will ever know.

tommycm if today were a labrador, i’d have it humanely put down.

steenyweeny i’m named after an ancient sumerian god who used a giant spiked hockey stick to clobber the skulls of those who said ‘holy doodle’ too much.

sarcasmically When is “fuckton” going to be officially accepted as a unit of measurement? –because it is probably the one I use most.

ohnoCAPSLOCK Jack is having a growth spurt. I just leaked milk through a breast pad and three layers of shirts. #sexyandclassy

davepolak I am coming up with my strategic game plan to maximize the amount of ham I eat over the holidays.

sgnp Not a big fan of someone entering the restroom immediately after me and then choosing the stall next to mine, like we’re in a horrible race.

JRehling Like my desk wasn’t messy enough already, now it’s totally covered with Higgs Bosons.

InfiniteChicken You haven’t heard Christmas music until you’ve heard it in a lobby, transposed into augmented minors by a jazz combo.

RailbirdJ Worst Christmas gift? A dolphin t-shirt. Take a second to look at my avi. Do I look like a dolphin guy to you?

helgagrace It’s that time of year! People coming in to the library to find out their property values.

ajthizzle Ok. I need to do something productive. Butt, say goodbye to couch. No, don’t linger. It’s better this way.

MassageByTed In the way that protesters sometimes throw red paint on people in furs, I propose throwing some sort of ersatz jizz on guys in Tapout gear.

apodixis I don’t really want to go to Funkytown, to be honest.

BillCorbett I finally get it! “We built this city on rock-and-roll,” meaning they smothered and crushed rock-and-roll under huge buildings, killing it.

EvenMoreSarah Me to the dog: “Come here, little fellow.” My BF: “Did you just call the dog a dildo?” Oh sure, *I’m* the one who needs my ears cleaned

JerryThomas Klout “believes” that I am “influential about iPhone.” Do you hear that, iPhone? (give me a free iPhone)

CParkhurst1 I strongly suspect that after the fourth day of Christmas, someone started dropping hints that more bird gifts would not be appreciated.

MisterSnuggl3s I have to carb load before brushing my teeth. In case you were curious about what kind of athlete I am.

Patheticist You can unconditionally love children and animals, other adult humans must have a few conditions.

hipstermermaid Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before weed, forget how to rhyme.

MeganBoley Twitter, I never say goodnight to you. I always just doze off in mid-conversation like we are at a 5th grade sleepover. Goodnigdkendkjszzzzz

CanuckLibrarian Sometimes you just need a little Kool & the Gang.

kaitlin_olson My boobies are getting big. I want to say that makes up for not being able to drink, not sleeping well and often peeing my pants.

RothNotIRA “I love you dada. I love you couch.” Well, at least I’m on par with furniture.

corrinrenee Autocorrect just changed my name to Cotton Floater.

SpaghettiJesus EVERY KNIFE BEGINS WITH KAY. #HappyHolidays

theleanover If I was a Hispanic hair dresser I would name my salon “Jesus Dyed.”

NoReservations What Would Jesus Eat? Apparently pigeon.

muffpunch “Who’s this Ting Ting person and why is he in my CD player?” Oh, mom.

apelad Why is everyone so concerned about my eyesight? Every email I get begins with “having trouble viewing this message?” The answer is no!!

Greeblemonkey We’re working on more homemade Christmas presents tonight, which basically means I am covered head to toe with modpodge.

cheekyattitude Took a while, but I overcame my fear of butternut squash.. in its defense, it wasn’t really trying to maim me.

burnstand AWW YEAH! Dropping food flakes in to my brand new keyboard! This thing is gonna be disgusting before you can say “gluttony”!

notthatkendall In the massage train of life, I am on the wrong end.

mikeleffingwell There are no atheists in foxholes. All foxes are Hindu.

The_Pigeon Just did a 5K run. I put 5 thousand dollars in my pants & got outta there.

DachsundDays And I saw a gigantic evil badger on a throne with 13 chihuahuas at his feet, yipping the theme from The Omen . . .

NicLewis “The best part of waking up? No, you’ve got Folgers in your cup.” #HonestSlogans

SpaghettiJesus “The world runs on starch and animal fat” #honestslogans

ecareyo It’s almost like the E! channel specifically knows that I’ll dedicate many hours watching a countdown of the most notorious lady murderers

JohnFugelsang Mitt Romney is as genuine as a mass emailing from Phoenix University.

JerryThomas If you need anybody to lie utterly motionless on the couch for six hours tomorrow let me know.

CorporateMonkey “only way I’m dropping trou in front of that many people is if there are Quaaludes involved.” -actual convo occurring in my office right now

ncguk “We spent so long looking for the Higgs boson, and all the time it was in our hearts.” — Higgs Boson Christmas Special

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Snapshot

14 Dec

Here’s what I’m up to:

– I’m very late with this post! I’d like to blame it on the cold I’ve had for the last three days but as time wears on and I’m still feeling The Ick I’m wondering if it’s not a cold after all and if instead it’s related to my weird blood problem that almost certainly isn’t cancer. Let’s hope it’s just a cold or maybe my Crohn’s acting up. Either way I’m so happy I am home because calling out sick to work always made me feel horribly guilty and in the end I was taking care of the baby anyway. Since yesterday I really wasn’t feeling my day was much Care Bearier than usual.

– I decided that since I was on bed rest (couch rest, technically) I should make myself useful so I uploaded a ton of old photos to IG and flickr to clean them off my phone. When I say I a ton I mean a ton.

– Last weekend was my friends’ annual holiday party and we spent a large portion of the night drinking eggnog, eating homemade flautas and chocolate chip cookies and singing weird Christmas carols. Have you ever looked at some of the lyrics to your favorite carols? They are strange, and not just the ones that were written several hundred years ago. Jingle Bells seems to be about getting some and that made us realize there is a theme: hymns are about Jesus (makes sense) while secular Christmas songs, by and large, seemed to be about Doing It. So, not really different from regular music.

My phone is gaining sentience and it wants to cuddle.

– I found this dress while thrifting last week and I used it to transform Isobel into a Christmas Elf for the party. Anthony was sure the dress would never fit her just because it was labeled 12 months, but every woman knows that sizes are big fat liars. I held it up to her and it looked just about right and the material had plenty of stretch and give to it. It was a little short in the sleeves and she may never wear it again, I’ll take it.

This is still the preciousssssss.

– A month ago Isobel scratched her face and since then the wound hasn’t healed because she keeps picking at the scab when we’re not looking. At two years of age she’s already learned to savor the fruit of rebellion. Anthony and I have been dealing with this problem by putting ointment and one of those small circular spot bandages on it but she keeps ripping them off, too. We’ve become so desperate I’ve tossed around the idea of getting her one of those cones like you get for dogs to keep them from worrying their wound after surgery. Apparently they don’t make them for toddlers so I’m stuck trying to decide if she’s pug or Jack Russel Terrier-sized.

– My friend Justin probably thinks I’m a horrible mother for suggesting a neck cone. He’s in favor of hand cones.

– The Christmas season is upon us and I wanted to direct your attention toward some very awesome Etsy shops (besides mine, ahem ahem). My bestie makes awesome holiday cards, birthday invites, and baby announcements. She’s flexible and will work with you on custom designs. Her shop is The Red Star Designs. My twitter friend Kelly has just opened the most amazing shop featuring pins, bags and other crafts based on her illustrations. Her shop is Let’s Die Friends. For the post-apocalyptic, urban decay fan that has everything, send them a Postcard from the Wasteland via Sharp Shiny Claws. And even though I’m quite proud to have created the slogan “Novel Accessories” for my friend Lisa’s shop, Excessively Diverting, she’s thinking of changing it to “YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE MY BALLS.” You most certainly will! Like my bear ears? A friend of mine knits similar ones and sells them at her shop, Knit in Public. And last but not least, my friend Val has some adorable vintage items and kid clothes in her Etsy shop, Little Weird Hen.

– Last year I created a couple of gift guides for the holidays:

– Holiday cards are pouring in and I have yet to even print mine out. Cards from us may not happen until after the new year so if you haven’t received one from us it’s not because you aren’t awesome. It’s because I’m not awesome. And speaking of Christmas cards, my friend April sent me an email about sending holiday cards to our men and woman overseas, particularly one service member she’s friends with. Her note said,

I have a friend in the military and he’s currently serving in the Middle East and he’s away from his little daughter for the holidays for the first time… I keep hearing from everyone what a morale booster mail call is for our service members overseas and I thought it would just bring him a huge smile if he got a few extra holiday cards this season…from people he doesn’t even know…  So, as you’re finishing up your holiday cards, would you address one to Scott?  To send a card to an APO, you only need a regular first class stamp.  And I imagine a few extra cards this holiday season would make being away from his little one a little more tolerable.

Scott Lefton
Australian DET
Camp Alamo
APO AE 09320

For the price of a first class stamp and one of your extra holiday cards, you can make his holiday a little brighter. And to make yours a little brighter, here are our Christmas Card Outtakes from 2008.

Scrapbook: Christmas Parade

11 Dec

We went to the local Christmas parade last weekend with our friends the Waltons and the Serios. It was Isobel’s fourth parade but the first one she was aware of what parades actually were. Valerie brought a surprise for the kids–glow sticks, which (unsurprisingly) were a huge hit. Note to self bring glow sticks to the parade next year. They’d also be really fun during fireworks on the Fourth of July.

Each time a float rolled past us Isobel called it a bus, and she kept saying, “I want to go on the bus! Mama and Isobel go on the bus.” She said it so firmly, as if she said it with enough conviction it would come true. I didn’t feel like lugging my regular camera around so instead I packed Camera Jr, which means the photos are kind of terrible but I love them nonetheless.

Recipe: Butternut Ravioli And Then Some

8 Dec

– I’ve already started getting Christmas cards in the mail. (Thanks, Melyndersons!) This is no fair. I haven’t even made ours yet, nor even picked out the photo.  I’m still trying to mull over a way to beat last year’s card, and the only possible contender I’ve come up with it to find a giant Julbocken for Isobel to ride while I take her photo on it. I am, so far, unsuccessful in this endeavor. But I hear our local Volvo dealer has a large Dala

Justin found this Star Trek Christmas card and it warmed my nerdly heart.

– This made me laugh until I cried: Fake Kristen Stewart Explains Christmas. Via  SvelteAssassin.

– This weekend I’m getting together with friends for a holiday party that includes an old fashioned sing along. I am so excited to sing hymns and drink nog while Isobel runs around with Kingston shouting, “IS THERE AN L, MOM?! IS THERE AN L?!” The song Noel kind of freaks her out.

– It was only a matter of time before the internet came up with this. Via the Scott.

– Earlier in the week I posted about thrifty ways to wrap presents and thrifty practices I’m using to save money. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance to respond to the comments yet but if you enjoyed these posts please click over and read the comments. The comments totally inspired me. LB readers shared some awesome creative and thrifty tips that you might want to bookmark.

– Recent Thrift Store Gore: Terror Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping.

– Recent Thrift Store Score: Vintage Angels. My small pile of Christmas decorations is growing.

RECIPE: BUTTERNUT RAVIOLI WITH SAGE BROWN BUTTER

I made butternut ravioli with sage butter for dinner on Monday and it was so good Anthony and I nearly fainted. Isobel didn’t want any and we were like OH GEE THAT’S TOO BAD NOM NOM NOM.

I didn’t use a recipe but it was super easy. The steps were kind of fiddly but they weren’t hard. The longest part was the roasting of the butternut squash, and you can do that a day or two in advance. This is a great way of using up butternut puree.

1. Halve your butter nut, clean out the seeds, and lightly coat it with oil. Roast at 400 degrees F for about an hour.

2. When cool, scoop out roasted flesh and mash.

3. Saute the white parts of a scallion until soft then add the butternut, heavy cream, salt, pepper, a scrape of nutmeg, and warm through. Take off the heat and add a grating of Parmesan cheese.

4.  Lay out wonton wrappers and make ravioli by putting a bit of the butternut mixture in the center of each wrapper. Wet the edges of the wrapper with a bit of water and fold in a wonton shape.

5. Start the sauce: I made brown butter with sage, which is dead easy. Add the butter to a warm pan along with some whole fresh sage leaves. Heat butter till it foams and starts to brown. You’re done.

6. Boil ravioli briefly then portion out on plates. Pour brown butter over and sprinkle with parsley and more Parmesan if desired.

7. Ta da! Here’s the end result. So good.

Snapshot

7 Dec

-My brother-in-law finally returned from deployment yesterday after a year in Baghdad. I am relieved and grateful he is home.

Holy shit. Let’s hope they are Vulcan.

– I watched PBS’s Bleak House on the days when my Mom had the baby so I could work on my gigantic Esty project. I totally loved it because I love those types of movies even though everyone around me thinks long, historical British dramas are about the boringest thing in existence. I think they are a wonderfully cozy way to spend a cold fall day inside with a project. Also it’s entirely possible that I am really boring as well.

– I checked out NurtureShock from the library and am about halfway through it. Holy wow, that book is excellent. I can’t recommend it enough. Next up is Welcome To Your Child’s Brain.

– I bought some frozen cookie dough through a fundraiser for my bestie’s son Kingston’s daycare. It’s the kind that’s already conveniently pre-shaped into little cookies so all you have to do it pop them in the oven and fifteen minutes later you have melty chocolate chip goodness. I am so addicted to this instant sort of gratification that I’m considering making up a batch of cookie dough and portioning it out so I’ll have homemade chocolatey chip goodness when this batch is finished. Which reminds me, I really should start back up on the elliptical again.

I’m still having a sale! And there are still a few items of Thrift Store Gore left for all your White Elephant needs. Keep checking the shop, as I’m adding more thrifted goodness all the time.

– I meant to post this earlier but kept forgetting: the Life Cycle of a Jack-o-lantern. (I have a severe case of chicken envy.)

– The other day when we had people over my friend Jake looked out the window in time to see Jupey run by with a sword in his mouth. Our neighbors had been playing with Nerf swords and left them on their lawn unattended. Jupey swooped in and grabbed it, ran across the front lawn, and somehow climbed the fence with it still in his jaws. It was at least two and a half times his length. Isobel was particularly excited to get a toy from Jupey that wasn’t a naked, brunette Barbie, and she played with it happily until we could distract her and return the sword.

– I went to a local craft bazaar and had the same experience there that I have every year. I always have a good time, find something awesome, and then get pissed because it’s a clusterfuck of too many people in too small a space. Also I leave before I really start shopping because the crowds make the experience impossible and unpleasant. I can think of half a dozen easy ways to fix this just off the top of my head. It doesn’t need to be this way. Get on it, Handborn.

– My Crohn’s disease has been particularly unpleasant these last couple days, but seeing as how I don’t have Cancer or some other scary new health issue, I’m okay with that.

– I broke down an got a new phone! This explains the massive influx of instagram pics I’ve inflicted upon you all. I’m kind of essited.

– I bought a large bag of party mix for the upcoming winter festivities, and after I put it and the other groceries away I went down the hall and into our bedroom to fold laundry. As I was putting socks away I heard a very strange noise. I looked up to see Isobel lugging the giant sack of party mix, nearly as large as she is, down the hall. It takes her awhile because our hallway is long, but when she finally drags it into our room she hoists it up onto her bed. Then, in a panting, out-of-breath voice she says, “Mama,” (wheeze, wheeze) “It’s a party.”

Follow Friday – Owl Apron

2 Dec

Last weekend some friends and I visited a craft fair and I splurged at bit (thank you, Etsy shop!) and bought a lovely green cowl and this child-sized owl apron for Isobel. I’ve been looking for an apron for her for a long time, and Isobel loves it. She likes to wear it around the house while carrying her various treasures around in the front pouch. Here she is helping me clean the kitchen. Such a good helper!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

jeff_ratfamily Even though no music is playing I’m doing my Mighty Mighty Bosstones dance in front of everyone & I invite you to do the same.

preschoolgems “I’m thankful for science, and mommy and daddy.”

TNG_S8 Picard is trapped inside a sentient turbolift. A clip show highlights the most memorable “Picard is trapped on a turbolift” moments.

rachel_nk my family’s review of pumpkin spice seltzer: it tastes like a yankee candle.

ProfessorSnack It appears that a cock ring isn’t part of the turkey preparation.

thejohnblog This turkey is making me sleepy. Seriously, he keeps going on and on about his shortcuts when he commutes to work.

girlwithatail My neighbors are outside nailing a turkey to a cross. They’re new to this country.

julieklausner Smurves.

steenyweeny instead of praying before you eat yell FINISH HIM and i promise your food will taste better every single goddamn time.

NASeason Remember when 4am was the time you came home, and not the time your baby made you get up for the day? Me neither.

heliumcell Happy Thanksgiving to EVERYONE!!! WooHoo!!! Happiness! Camaraderie! Thanking!!! YELLING!!! #PILLS #CAPSLOCK

MrWordsWorth The Macy’s Parade is an hour of entertainment stretched out over three hours.

YourAuntDiane Hard to keep the dozens of turkeys hiding from the Turkey Holocaust in the attic quiet. And none are writing in the diary I gave them.

louisck Happy Thanksgiving to all my followers who aren’t murderers. I wonder how many murderers follow me. Aw happy Tday to them too.

theleanover It’s weird how UC Davis added a question to their application asking how allergic you are to capsaicin and riot batons.

helgagrace Was just taken by a strong urge to clean all the things in the kitchen, but I managed to snap out of it!

TNG_S8 A virus that accesses genetic memory transforms Troi into a primeval warrior. Technically, Wesley still lives with his mom.

tehawesome Just had to stop myself from shouting “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” upon winning a free game in Lord of the Rings pinball.

steenyweeny does gravy ice cream cake count as dessert or an entree for this pot luck?

jess_mc You will have to pry this pie from my cold fat hands.

delrayser It’s like that Walking Dead scene of zombies devouring a horse, but replace the zombies w/Wal-Mart shoppers & the horse w/$2 waffle irons.

mommywantsvodka I wonder if Siri knows where my pants are.

BridgetCallahan Fact: On Black Friday 1997, thousands of people were murdered in their sleep by Tickle Me Elmo. #BlackFriday

batemanimation I’m at Starbucks this Black Friday. People are trampling each other to get an Everything With Cheese Bagel. Oh, the bagelity.

AntDeRosa Everybody relax, they’re putting together a Superdupercommittee

notthatkendall “If being married doesn’t mean I can make you watch Home Alone repeatedly then I don’t understand what we’re doing here”

Alena29 I just uploaded a photo on FB that shows what it look like when you’re carrying an actual baby and a food baby…at the same time.

tehawesome That first trip to the bathroom after Thanksgiving is like a religious experience. And by that I mean an exorcism.

pourmecoffee Got some incredibly cheap bundled mortgages at the Goldman Sachs doorbuster sale.

wordlust Mmm…turgluten.

tehawesome The secret behind my mom’s excellent Thanksgiving butter is that she adds just a hint of mashed potatoes.

MeganBoley Thankful for a growing family and elastic pants.

MrsFridayNext Twitter, if I said just how thankful I am for you, people who don’t use twitter would look at me REAL funny. They don’t understand our love.

FarrenSquare What is Cyber Monday? Guilt-free-cyber-sex Day, I assume.

johnmoe The Kiss Army seemed too heavy so I signed up for the Kiss National Guard. I like them one weekend a month.

himissjulie Under my breath, as I try to figure out how to staple a booklet for a child: “I have master’s degree…I have a master’s degree…!”

mat Poopin’

hereslizz When helping my girl play dress up I need to teach her the fine line between well accessorized and bag lady.

crunchyvtmommy I always look on the bright side but damnit I wanted to buy that creepy elf and terrorize my husband.

bebehblog We got our Christmas tree! Hunted & killed it ourselves, like good Americans.

SwEtMrciflCrap Me to FIL: “I got Uncle Joe a Fidora”
“Dora, who’s Dora?”
“No, a hat-I got Uncle Joe a hat.”
“He’s allergic to cats!”
Tonight should be fun.

stegasp I have yet another Thanksgiving dinner with family today. If anyone needs me I will have retreated to a dark corner of my brain.

badbanana You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving weekend when your watch doesn’t fit anymore.

HeathRobots Either my belly button is bleeding, or I really let things get out of control with the cranberry sauce.

wordsinmymouth And just introduced my dad to honey badger. It was a magical father/daughter moment.

mylifeasadad Completing the Star Wars trilogy tonight with the kids. Trying to convince Des that Ewoks are not doggies.

MrWordsWorth This is the time of year when I start to question some of the endorsement deals Santa made.

timcarvell I wish Etsy were a physical store, just so I could see people punching each other on Black Friday over crocheted Ramones shirts for birds.

Angel__Bee “ran out of pants” is not a phrase I like to hear from Allie’s teachers upon picking her up from daycare.

ramisalame If Snoop Dogg told me his hobby was sculpting, I’d be like “Fo’ chisel?” and we’d high-five and laugh endlessly.

ecsuperhero My coworkers just acted appalled at me eating cookie dough straight from the tub. I thought they knew me.

InfiniteChicken I’m always getting the Wayans and the Mayans confused; which ones did the blood sacrifices?

theleanover I gave up on aphorisms; now I write affordisms. This one is only 10 cents if you act now.

EugeniaMorpho Most people are embarassed by the porn in their browser history. I am embarassed by google seaches like “lyrics Paula Abdul Rush Rush”.

InfiniteChicken @theleanover Lucky. I’ve only had sloppy, random sex in an art gallery bathroom. (Thomas Kinkade retrospective—hard to NOT get horny.)

FakePewResearch People talking to themselves on the bus this morning: 35% Have a phone; 62% Don’t have a phone; 3% Undecided.

SteveHuff A dude with a steam shovel for a hand is destroying my neighbor’s car. #CyborgMonday

cbnickras Googling “record store cat” yields a hit for “Records Store Cat Jobs” at simplyhired. Yes, I will take that job please.

muffpunch The phones are down at work. It’s a Cyber Monday miracle!

smileydooby Ever have one of those days where you think maybe those really WERE the droids you were looking for?

muffpunch Waiting for my boyfriend to log on to AIM for Cyber Monday.

stray Dear world: stop using the prefix “cyber” until we actually have Internet-enabled brain implants (a la “Ghost in the Shell”).

joeinverarity GET BABY JESUS OUT OF YOUR UNDERWEAR! — me, right now.

mikeleffingwell If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around… free tree!!!

louisvirtel Yes, I have weak gay limbs, but please don’t mock my Masculine Dystrophy.

wordlust I see Paris, I see France… Man, this LSD is top-notch.

johnmoe “Potatoes, I suppose.” #FirstDraftStateMottoes

MmeSurly Me: What sort of books are you gonna get at the library?
Henry: BOY books. Me: What are those about? Henry: Girls.

johnmoe I honestly didn’t expect Twitter to last this long. It’s like Kajagoogoo coming out with their 20th album and it’s actually pretty good.

MrWordsWorth Got out the boxes of Christmas decorations. There is no going back now.

theleanover Nude Gingrich. #NailedIt

chickenscottpie Homework from my piano teacher: “Get drunk tomorrow night and practice this.”

MassageByTed In light of the evidence, I’m forced to conclude that, at some point, my testicles were much, much larger than they are now.

jberthume I am more angry about my Doritos Double XP Call of Duty code having already been used than a grown man ought to be, I suppose.

Patheticist Sometimes I feel below average then I click on a trending topic and ALAKAZAM! I’m a comparative genius.

Patheticist Radio Shack is the most literal name of any store.

mikeleffingwell No one ever talks about what an asshole Toddler Jesus was.

slackmistress Can I call in fat to work? Asking for myself.

LovesOfLife Maybe, just maybe that 9pm coffee was a bad idea.

JRehling If you’re planning your Christmas shopping, I’d like some new golf clubs and total power over the dead.

paulverhoeven The movie ‘The Ring’ should be renamed ‘Renember that one time, when I hugged that corpse in a disused well for nothing?’.

MariaMelee My effing PMS is like something out of Neverending Story. ARTAAAAXXXXXXXXXX.

cryanathus It’s the best thing ever when your farts sound like you are unzipping a suitcase.

cryanathus My patronus is a honey badger.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: ‘Fari Time

25 Nov

This week’s Follow Friday features Isobel and her cousins playing with the contents of the Thrifted Dress Up Chest, or, as they like to call it, “Going on Safari.” Or, as Isobel likes to call it, “Going on a ‘Fari.” No matter who comes over, the dress up chest is the most popular game to play for playdates at our house, and I have a feeling I’m going to rely on it more and more as the weather gets ugly.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

LouisPeitzman Oops, accidentally bludgeoned everyone who calls it “Turkey Day.”

apelad There ain’t no effort like minimal effort.

zamoose @apelad …’Cause a minimal effort don’t… meh.

apelad Time to hang the Christmas lights. I’m thinking just one or two. Maybe the kind with skulls or chili peppers.

simontarr With apologies to Sartre: Hell is other people’s kitchens.

pourmecoffee If Newt Gingrich is the answer, the question better be: “What was worse about 1999 than Creed’s ‘Higher’?”

asiajane Just watched my 7-year-old take a flying leap off the bed and land in a basket of folded laundry. She is pretending to be an owl.

shinyinfo I installed a new toilet seat today & the roommate hasn’t mentioned it! How do I broach this subject with her to prevent future tensions?

TheRedQueen Government hooker is trending. Is that because we give them money and they fuck us?

brand_BIG Bleh! I feel like Keith Richards looks.

EvenMoreSarah One of this couple’s must haves is “space for bikes.” Let me introduce you to “outside,” there is lots of it.

alwysabridesmd I wonder what it is like to cheer loudly for Mitt Romney! What would it be like to have that brain!

notthatkendall So I’m pretty sure @thepioneerwoman owns stock in butter.

TheRedQueen When you end your email with an ellipse I read it like this :/

theleanover If I think of my GRE as fighting a dragon and the prize is leaving Canada, then I know I can do it. But fighting a dragon with math is hard.

iasshole In bed with stomach bug. What is more humbling than having both ends turn into a firehose?

palinode Because I could not stop for Death/ He kind of stopped talking to me./ I’m like “Whoah, Death, I was in a hurry”/ And he’s like “yeah sure.”

jess_mc Ow my eye. I’m not supposed to get food products in it.

mikeleffingwell When did Jeff Bridges turn into a grandfatherly gold prospector?

RailbirdJ I just sent an email that only had the words “I don’t know shit.” I feel like that sums up my life.

badbanana People are like books. You can’t judge them by appearance alone and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.

mrpilkington Whoa! Hardcore poetry regular just bought a graphic novel!! I wanted to pat him on his graying beard.

lovegrrbottle Just saw an old man walking down the road w an old-fashioned pipe in his mouth. Old man, you’re the boss.

TheNextMartha I’m going to do it. I’m gonna throw out the rest of the Halloween candy.

steenyweeny my stupidest dreams have come true and somebody took a picture of jimmy wales wearing a different shirt!

FakePewResearch Enjoyment of cranberry sauce: Watching it slide out of the can: 98%; eating it: 2% #TurkeyStats

Toaster_Pastry I’m an avid multitasker. Right now I’m tweeting on my iPad while I’m pooping in the shower.

TheNextMartha I could really use a group of you to come sit at my kitchen table and spurt out 140 randomly all day while I get stuff done. Thanks.

johnmoe Ooh, #WhatWomenWant is trending. I’ll play! Uh… Food! Shelter! Employment! Fulfillment! Education! // Oh, I got a read on the ladies.

FlyoverJoel Circle of Life: Dinosaurs died and decomposed into oil which we turned into plastic that helps power computers to make CGI Dinosaurs.

babybabylemon Toddlers are a delicate balance between adorable and evil.

adamisacson At the dentist. My hygienist seems unmoved by my pledge to have a Supercommittee recommend cuts to my Skittle consumption.

wawoodworth Stopping library ebook lending is clearly the work of the Danny Divito Penguin. The Burgess Meredith Penguin is far too classy for that.

heyrenees Listening to darkest French language tape. “He is going to fall. He is going to die.”

MrWordsWorth A Very Gaga Holiday involves her naked on a table asking people who wants to baste her.

Angel__Bee Apparently the crock pot – cousin of the coffee pot – also only works if you turn it on. Whatever. Outsmarted by my own appliances.

mochamomma When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s a vegetable according to Congress.

Angel__Bee Oh crock pot – our reunion is even sweeter than I imagined.

himissjulie @shinyinfo now I want to see a comic book style hero named FAN FICTION who goes around writing FAN FICTION.

thebleupills I need to go to the FBI’s page, just to make sure-but am beginning to wonder if my toddler is on their Most Wanted list. #Terrorist

markleggett Anne Geddes almost took my photo thirty years ago. She left to get a coffee and never came back. I’m cold and this flowerpot is too small 😦

UnicornFlavored If ghosts of my dead relatives exist, I wonder if they are watching me poop right now.

val_forrestal I only have 2 days of work this week. To make up for this, apparently everyone is trying to pack 5 days of aggravation into those 2 days.

InfiniteChicken What’s worse than herpes? Space herpes.

joeinverarity Seriously guys. Where did the gum that just fell out of my mouth while sitting at my desk go? This might turn out really bad.

sarcasmically The rule of thirds also states that if you make a cake that is nine inches tall, a third of those nine inches better be frosting.

shariv67 As you can imagine, Curious George did A LOT of experimentation in college.

emoryshatzer Read an article about Woody Allen’s son being named a Rhodes Scholar or watch a video of Woody Allen boxing a kangaroo? Oh, Twitter!

badbanana I’m growing facial hair all November long to raise awareness for how lazy I am.

theleanover Ever drink so much coffee you understand David Lynch’s short films?

rascality looks like they’ve started hanging sutras from signs at the local garage – this one says “alignment”

bebehblog In other road trip news, I taught my 2 year old to poop outside. Cross that off my life list.

sgnp Cold temperatures are my ally. The kids lasted a few minutes at the park. Inside with hot chocolate!

helgagrace Patron: “I printed out a 500 page book on how to save trees.” #sundaylibrarian

AaronFullerton Still haven’t been any of those places Dr. Seuss said I’d go.

himissjulie I love you, singing Klingon. #ds9

helgagrace I was looking for a cable and I found it under the cat.

sarcasmically There is a sick Toddlerface in our bed. This is like the exact opposite of what should be going on in a bed on a Saturday night.

apelad Free idea for google: type “deal with it” in the search bar, sunglasses descend on the “oo” in google. Can someone make this happen?

shanaeats “The difference between sultry and tired is fake eyelashes.” — @khamsin

apelad Grocery store self checkout lanes are mankind’s crowning achievement.

TristinaWright Me: no forest needs Dora. Stephen: maybe she’ll stay there and they’ll remove the cameras.

faultypancake If you’ve ever un-ironically referred to the band Ween as “the best band ever”, common ground is a flavor that we shall never taste.

NASeason Nap-Fighting Baby is my least favorite kind of Baby.

fierceflawless As of today, @clunkyrobot & I have been married for as long as kim kardashian was. I feel like this is an important milestone

fierceflawless What do you get your husband for your kardashiversary? A reality tv show pilot? We could do that.

thecorbettkid websites with music will always make me angry. always. #HULKSMASH

fuzzytypewriter Stockpiling Count Chocula before Disney puts it back in the vault. Let’s not kid ourselves. Disney is somehow behind this shit.

WhyIsDaddyCryin love those Oatmeal to Go square bar thingies bud damn they look like smashed cat shit

Angel__Bee @exlibris My husband says our house is like Hoarders: Yarn Edition

schmutzie This person standing next to me is the loudest gum chewer who ever lived, although not for much longer. #killkillkill

sarcasmically The cutest thing about having kids is the tiny laundry. The worst thing about having kids is also the tiny laundry.

rachel_nk also I just splashed in some puddles with my rainboots on. very therapeutic. highly recommend.

onenjen Potty-training kid tells me, “I want to poop in my pants ALL day.” And with that, I pour myself a stiff drink.

slackmistress I was once told I didn’t know how to write for dudes. Responded by writing a spec pilot that is 100% about touching boobs.

danforthfrance What I’m bringing to the family potluck Thanksgiving is patience and long smoke breaks outside.

slackmistress “Two heads are better than one.” -Serial Killer Needlepoint Sampler

ScreamingDanzig If one turkey ever wanted to murder another turkey and cover it up, this would be the time of year to do it

meganmonique My sister just messaged me and told me she broke up with her BF. I’m moving up on her priority list! #Score

steenyweeny despite all my rage i am still just a jenny at a softmoc.

markleggett If I die unexpectedly, I’m trusting you to clear out the “Charmed” box set from under my mattress before my dad finds it.

Toaster_Pastry I’m 497 followers from 1000. C’mon! Help a dude out.

AOAM_Librarian I’m so tired but I want froyo but I don’t wanna get up. My life sucks.

fuzzytypewriter POLL: Would you rather have A. a trained Megalosaurus that could launch out of your wrist watch OR B. Tusks

chopper4jk It’s so cute when a bad date thinks you’re ever coming back from the restroom.

shariv67 The uterus is like a magic lamp which contains a really cranky genie.

bebehblog The toddler ate my poop yogurt for dinner. I have a feel I might regret that decision.

LouisPeitzman Food babies are ideal if you hate real babies but love stretch marks.

joeinverarity It doesn’t have to be the Nobel Peace Prize. Any Nobel prize would do. I’m not picky.

apodixis Crowdsourcing question: does anyone know where the fuck I parked?

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Happy Thanksgiving

24 Nov


Follow Friday – Moonish

18 Nov

I took these photos last spring when we drove down to Cayucos to watch my dear friend get married. I accidentally adjusted the white balance without realizing it and fired at least a dozen shots before I caught my mistake. The resulting photos look like they were shot on some forlorn, post-apocalyptic moon. The blue cast match the weather perfectly, as it was a bone-chillingly cold spring and we arrived right in the middle of the worst storm flooding in ten years.

I really will have to tell you about that trip sometime. Especially the part where Isobel and I fell in the ocean.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

sarcasmically What if all the socks we lose in the dryer are defecting and forming an enormous military OH GOD

joeinverarity WHY IS MY COWORKER LISTENING TO RUSH LIMBAUGH? PLEASE SEND OPIATES. Or is that what Rush would want?

maggiesox It’s November 15 and I’m walking around Center City in a sweatshirt. It snowed before Halloween. Mother Nature needs an intervention.

connoliam Wuthering-er Heights #classicnovelsequels

icrvn The Scarlet Tweet  #classicnovelsequels

scareydicarey1 Great Disappointments #classicnovelsequels

callum119 Greatly Lessened Expectations Due To The Crushing Banality Of Adulthood. #classicnovelsequels

Matthew_Spicer Don Quixote Vs. Predator #ClassicNovelSequels

rudiedudie Cat’s Bouncy-Seat #classicnovelsequels

InfiniteChicken The Great Gatsby’s Ne’er-do-well great-great Nephew, Randy #ClassicNovelSequels

InfiniteChicken 1985: Doc Brown’s Revenge #ClassicNovelSequels

mitdasein Look Who’s Wuthering Too! #classicnovelsequels

NicLewis Lowered Expectations. #ClassicNovelSequels

mitdasein 2 War 2 Peace #classicnovelsequels

MechanoCham The Picture of Dorian Gray: 3D #classicnovelsequels

rudiedudie Charlie and the Chinese Chocolate Factory #classicnovelsequels

Evil_Dumbledore Harry Potter & the Tuition Fees of Inaffordability  #classicnovelsequels

CosyFanTootie Charlotte’s Webcam #classicnovelsequels

carlmaxim Lady Chatterley’s Friend with Benefits. #classicnovelsequels

Kasdorf Any tattoo commemorating service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam or the Merchant Marines should be called a “gramp stamp.”

a_outburst Who knew making healthy snacks for 20 pre-schoolers would give me an ulcer.

bookishbella It’s “voila,” not “viola.” Unless of course you’re just really excited about string instruments.

pnkrcklibrarian Today I’ve preformed at least 3 miracles. I am pretty fucking awesome.

ordermeanother Thanks @MeganBoley for your donation! You are good people. Literally because you are more than one person currently. #preggers #movember

annakarenine meeeee i waaaaaaant a huuuuuula hooooooooooop

brattyunicorn That was so good my rock hard nips just shot lasers.

mikeleffingwell No one seems reassured by my “I Only Touch People Appropriately” T-shirt.

Patheticist Every morning my wife and I play a game of parenting chicken, the winner pretends to be asleep longer and the loser makes breakfast.

TwoAdults Tights are pinchy and my waistline is giving them the finger.

shariv67There aren’t many sports that couldn’t be improved by adding a bear.

WindsorGrace Parks and Rec really makes me want to work for my local government.

mikeleffingwell Whenever one door closes another door opens. This house is haunted!

TheRedQueen @nbc is bad people.

apelad The problem with the land of milk and honey is all the cows and bees everywhere.

J__Swift I actually enjoy being loved from behind. Afar? It’s loved from afar, isn’t it.

TheNextMartha Time change means that mommy wants to go to bed at 5:30. Kids? The pantry is open for business.

britain OH: “I have no pockets. Stupid girl pants cheated me out of 75 cents.”

Casey_Malone Wait a sec… Community put on hold JUST as Skyrim comes out? WE ARE ON TO YOU, DanHarmon

JustinMcElroy The worst thing about the NBA season being canceled is that it’s like losing seven of Air Bud’s best playing years.

joeinverarity Being targeted with ads in gmail freaks me the hell out. And also, I don’t recall writing about Brazilian waxes, but thanks for the coupon!

slennonharris Dear God It’s Me Margarine, I Know, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Either!

ProfessorSnack 5 wishes there were self flushing pants. I don’t have the heart to tell him that they’d be useless in the world of pantless social media.

sbellelauren if i find out dress barn isn’t farm animals in evening wear i will burn that place to the ground

wordlust There’s a time and a place for everything, and it’s called your mom’s van.

theleanover I was on board with Disney’s “Old Yeller” video game up until the last mission.

BuenoBabyGirl Most common thing said on #MTVsCribs: “Got my flat-screen here.”

ohnoCAPSLOCK One day I will no longer be vomiting regularly. My vomit-free ship will come in!

Smethanie My mom bought me a journal. I don’t get it. If I write my thoughts in there, how do I make sure the whole world can see it?

crassmama I guess saying “nice beard, I’m going to follow you!” to some dude isn’t as well-received in line at Starbucks as it is on Twitter.

BugginWord Tacos. The end.

badbanana Life is way more exciting in your forties. At any point you could sneeze wrong and end up getting emergency back surgery.

MeganBoley Does anyone know if I can get into the planetarium gift shop without paying full admission? #spaceicecream

theleanover Bourbon on the rocks out of a mug that says “Romance Is Boring.” Hello Friday!

That_Biz Just used Vick’s as chapstick because I’m a winner.

bitchylibrarian I just put on a dress and it looks like I’m a hipster trying to be an extra on Dr. Quinn. That looked better on the hanger.

000___000 Idea for evolution: a bear with a helicopter rotor on its head.

apodixis Poop on the floor,
And you’re to blame–
You give cats
A bad name!

Cats inspire me.

smileydooby Oh my god did you see the tweets on that lady?

allisonthemeep I had somehow talked myself into switching to decaf coffee for health reasons, but that’s over now. Decaf tastes like burnt hair.

wheatnik Googling pumpkin spice chai recipes while listening to Wu-Tang Clan is the easiest way to confuse the fuck out of your racial identity.

robdelaney Oops! My wife just asked me if I remembered her birthday & I pulled a “Rick Perry.” (I executed her)

TheMostTender I just ate 14 donut holes in under 2 mins to practice in case I’m dared to do that at some point.

real_danimal My 16 mo. old niece zooms around making noises like an excited R2D2.

helgagrace Buckling down and getting shit done. WHO HAVE I BECOME?

notthatkendall I thought I could fix our runny toilet and then I googled things and now I can’t unknow that snakes can get into your toilet through pipes.

PixieJames I’m ready with my Rick Perry joke as soon as I can remember it.

JohnFugelsang Don’t think of my Rick Perry jokes as ‘kicking him when he’s down.’ Think of it as ‘denying him clemency.’

UnicornFlavored “Dada poopoo.. Dada poopoo”, Zoey spoke softly to herself after Kyle ripped a morning fart.

Schmoodles Always be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole. In which case, always be someone else.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.