Scrapbook: Little Icicles

23 Jan

I raise the blinds as I do every morning when I notice the entire yard is hung with crystals. Every branch, leaf, and blade of grass is coated in sparkly points of light. A hard freeze isn’t uncommon. But enough moisture for icicles is.

I pull on a sweater, scarf and coat and knot my tangled hair on top of my head. I pull rain boots on my feet that stop halfway up my pajama pants. My neighbors have seen me in pajama pants before. I decide not to worry about it. I grab my camera and shut the screen door so Isobel can see see and hear me. Absorbed in her game of tea all morning, I figured she wouldn’t miss me, but as soon as I step into the flower bed she starts to whine.

“Do you want to come outside with Mommy?”

More whining. A nod yes.

“It’s really cold. Are you sure?”

“I want to go outside with Mommy.”

I hurry back in. Already the morning is warming up. I have only a few minutes before the frozen diamonds melt and turn the ground to mud. Isobel is still in her pajamas, too, but I throw on some rain boots, a sweater and a coat before grabbing her hand to lead her outside.

“My pink purse!” she cries. We can’t forget that.

We step outside and I show her the icicles. The frozen grass crunches under our feet. We explore the flower bed and find unexpected bit of ice that sparkle like shards of glass scattered over the ground.

“The plants are coated with ice. Ice is what happens to water when it gets very cold. Water is ice and ice is water.”

“It’s pretty, mommy!”

“We have to enjoy it now because it won’t last.” I look at Isobel’s hand with her perfect, miniature nails, caressing a branch. I notice her expression, full of concentration. Her tiny body, engulfed by the jacket, little fist clutching her pink purse.

“We have to enjoy it. Because it won’t last.”

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Scrapbook: Weekend

22 Jan

Little Big Shop

21 Jan

Here’s what’s up in the shop:

  1. Moon Glow Bowl.
  2. Handmade Collage Plaque.
  3. Your Father’s Moustache Mug.
  4. Bright Pink and Gold Mod Silk Cowl.
  5. Pink Houndstooth Scarf.
  6. Jewel-Tone Nautical Scarf.
  7. Harvest Gold Paisley Scarf.
  8. Sunshine Daisy Mugs.
  9. Houseplant Needlepoint.

Fifty Thrifty Fun Things: Color on the Table

20 Jan

It sounds like a strange thing to say, but one of the best compliments I’ve ever received was from Anthony and it was about the thrifty and creative ways I’ve found to cheaply entertain Isobel. And it’s true: I pride myself on my ability to entertain her for minutes on end (precious, precious minutes!!–that sometimes add up to hours!) so I can do the dishes, drink a cup of coffee, or take a blissful dump in peace.

Many of you reading at home are parents, or perhaps spend some portion of your time with a young child. I’m willing to bet that readers here probably don’t have endless supplies of cash to spend entertaining your little ones, so this year I’m going to share at least 50 simple, accessible, and–most importantly–cheap ways to entertain your kids. Some of these ideas might give you a few blessed hours to yourself, and some of these activities you can revisit over and over again. If you’d like to share your best ideas for thriftily entertaining kids, I’d love to hear them.

50 thrifty idea, number one: cover your table with butcher paper, hand your kid a bucket of crayons and maybe some stickers and let them have at it.

The paper we used is actually packing material that came inside a package my mother ordered at Christmastime. She knows I collect paper like this to use for shipping items from my Etsy shop. That’s why it’s so crinkled. This time I spread  it on the table for Isobel to use instead of adding it to my shipping cupboard. It might end up there eventually, though.

The paper itself is like a very thin paper lunch sack. I like the way crayon and stickers look against the tan brown color. They really pop. I like it better than white paper, but it’d do just as good a job.

This activity bought me an hour. It probably would have given me longer but we had errands to run so I had to stop her.

When it was time to clean up I just rolled the paper up. It still has plenty of life left in it. I can rotate the side if she wants a clean slate to color on, or I can make it new buy letting her put stickers or water colors over the used areas. I just introduced her to the magic of stamps, so I’m sure this will be covered in ink pad markings and fingerprints before too long.

This is also great to save and pull out when she gets into Epic Coloring Mode. She can get so enthusiastic about coloring that she ends up going off the paper with her artistic zeal and then I have to scrub crayon off the table for the fifteenth billion time. She can color on top of this paper and I don’t have to tell her to slow her coloring roll.

Since the paper was repurposed and we already owned the crayons, this activity was free.

My sanity and a happy toddler? Priceless.

Thrifty Living: An Army of Ten Cent Jars

19 Jan

Little Big went quiet yesterday in solidarity of anti-SOPA legislation. I didn’t post any links simply because I ran out of time what with chasing a toddler and spending the majority of my time not chasing her with hacking up and sneezing various colors of fluids. Suffice it to say that this legislation could shut down my little ol’ blog just because I occasionally post something like this or this or even this. And that last one is especially important to me. When I was having my panic attacks it was your comments on this blog that really helped me feel normal. I will never, ever forget that. One comment in particular, from Anne G, has stuck with me and sustained me through some dark moments. It simply stated stated,

“I don’t believe that the person that wrote about Brian McPoopington will not be OK. Your positive energy will prevail.”

The fact that I have the freedom to share Brian McPoopington with you all helped me through a tough time. One of the toughest of my life. SOPA could end all that. Suck it, SOPA. Suck it slooooow.

I love fresh flowers in the home but I usually have to stick with flowers I grew in my yard or various plants Isobel and I find on our nature walks (which essentially boils down to “stroller time through the suburbs.”) I’ve collected a small army of ten cent jars and petite glasses while thrifting in the rare event that I have enough foliage to display.

Last summer my dear friends Jenn and Chris hosted a wedding reception that I was honored to be asked to photograph, and Jenn didn’t let me leave without taking home one of the stunning table bouquets her family put together. (It didn’t hurt that the flowers happened to be in my vintage mason jar.)

I enjoyed the blossoms in the jar as long as I could but once it started looking raggedy I tossed any rotting or dried-out blooms and stuck them in these thrifted jars instead. In true thrifty fashion  I always make my bouquets last as long as possible by whittling down the flowers, displaying on the freshest parts, for as long as possible in my thrifted jars.

They last even longer if your cats don’t chew on them. Not that I would know what that’s like.

.

18 Jan

Crafty: The Heart-Shaped Box

17 Jan

I am so excited to finally share this project with you. I really didn’t do much in the way of handmade gifts for Isobel this year. Focusing on thrifting, hosting Christmas, and just being with my family took up most of my time so I thought I really wouldn’t bother with handmade gifts for Isobel. She is just swimming in toys and things she carries around to play with that aren’t toys, and I knew she’d be getting piles of stuff for Christmas, so it was easy to justify not making her a bunch of gifts. And I’ve already explained my theory of thrifted gifts and why I’m an asshole anyway. But, when the Pixie and I stopped by the craft store a week before Christmas to pick up supplies for the gift I was making my friends, I couldn’t pass up this sweet little paper heart box for 99 cents.

Using craft paint I already had, I used time when Isobel was with Grandma to paint layer after layer of pink paint on the brown paper surface. I decided to paint the inside of the box red to make it stand out more, which I don’t regret but made the whole thing more complicated because each mistake meant waiting for paint to dry to apply another layer to fix the errant blotches.

The craft store also had these fantastic jewels for three bucks, and I can’t think of a more perfect treasure to fit inside. Isobel adores her heart box, and I’m so glad I took the time to make it. Total cost of the project was less than five bucks. Although I made this as part of Handmade Christmas, wouldn’t this be the perfect Valentine gift, or even project, if your little one was school-aged? It could be filled with chocolate and covered with doilies or modge-podge.

Snapshot: Making Personal Threats & Isobel’s Pencil Room

16 Jan

– Since it’s been awhile since my last snapshot, and since so much has happened, I’m posting it early this week.

– The biggest news (besides me having the most annoying and stubborn cold on the planet) is that we moved Isobel’s big girl bed from our bedroom into the Pencil Room. The Pencil Room is officially Isobel’s big girl bedroom, and now we refer to it as “your pencil room.” The first day was rough. At first she was so excited when I told he we were going to move her bed that she tried to move it herself and then excitedly asked me to help her. Once we got the bed in the room and all set up for her nap, she pretty much cried from nap time to bedtime. She was m-a-d. After she got that out of her system it wasn’t a problem and she’s been sleeping in there fuss-free since the 7th. Anthony and I are so glad to have our room back (bow chicka wow wow) but it did make me a little sad at first. I was so ready for her to be out I didn’t expect to be sad. Having her in a different room after two and a half years of cosleeping was an adjustment for Mama as well as baby.

– I’m almost done decorating Isobel’s big girl room. I posted a sneak peek earlier on twitter. I still need to finish some organizational things and Anthony needs to hang the finishing touches, but once that’s done I’m going to share it here. Hopefully sometime next week!

Bethylicious nominated me for a Versatile Blogger Award! According to the meme I’m supposed to nominate fifteen people and list 7 random facts about myself. I always have trouble coming up with these, so how about we do something else: I will answer seven random questions put to me by readers, either here in the comments, or via email, or on twitter. If I get seven questions I’ll answer them in a post and then nominate my picks for the award. I’m betting there won’t be seven questions.Go ahead and take that personally. It’s a threat. Or something. Yeah.

– The lovely and talented Erica made this gorgeous shawl for me and I am over the moon about it. The deep green-blue color, the delightful scrunchiness of the wool, the fact that it was nothing but a mere string a few short days ago has me swooning for it. Thank you so much, Erica. I hope the basket of vintage goodies I’m about to send you is satisfactory.

Recent Photos:

Little Big Links

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Sunday

15 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

 

Patheticist Radio Shack is the most literal name of any store.

mikeleffingwell No one ever talks about what an asshole Toddler Jesus was.

MariaMelee My effing PMS is like something out of Neverending Story. ARTAAAAXXXXXXXXXX.

MeganBoley the opposite of tacos is sadness.

louisvirtel My version of winning the lottery is following a car with a “Baby on Board” sticker and finding out the driver is Jennifer Grey.

pistolval i gave myself a papercut on the eyelid today. #justthatgood

MassageByTed I will purchase any product that makes senior citizens rap or do the conga.

cryanathus My patronus is a honey badger.

rstevens Apparently “do the mashed potato” means something other than I thought and also there are laws against doing that with vegetables in public.

swamibooba Some people use “Lorem ipsum”, I use Beck’s “Loser”.

mzeld If lying on my back and putting a pillow over my face doesn’t solve all my problems, I’m out of ideas.

iasshole Oh BOY bicyclist who just farmer-blew into the street hands-free, my panties just FLEW OFF here

ClevelandPoet and then I found a GIF of Hulk Hogan headbutting a Russian Flag and my day improved by +20

dino_dogan When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

LadyLiberal Having “Parents of the Year” t-shirts made since it was our preshus snowflake KICKING THE BABY JESUS STATUE in the outdoor nativity this am.

johnmoe Jimi Hendrix offered an internship and mentoring program for those who answered no on his “are you experienced” question.

jessnevins Marvel, for $2 a year I’d produce a weekly Economist-style column on how current economic situations are affecting your fictional countries.

premmeridian The Swype keyboard on my phone keeps ignoring my ‘u’ in ‘honour.’ EXCUSE ME IT IS NOT “HONOR” I AM CANADIAUAUAUAN.

badbanana It’s taken me this long to realize “Eurozone Crisis” wasn’t referring to a woman’s underarm area.

crom74 Our microwave died. It died cooking two pot pies. It finished cooking them. It was a trooper.

mjbz104 I’ve only left my house for a total of 2.5hrs in the past 6 days. My arm is starting to curve like the dorsal fin of a dolphin in captivity.

emoryshatzer When a mammoth is eventually cloned I hope it’s taken to that yokel Bible museum with the words painted on its side, “How you like me now?”

TheBlackStar Leave it to Kingston to mosh to minimalist piano twinkle twinkle little star.

purple_quark It may be time to Febreeze the dog.

inversejaik At Big Lots: Low-battery Xmas toy reciting “Visit from St Nick;” sounds like “A Lt. Worf Christmas.”

Handflapper I just thanked myself for a retweet AND called myself “sweetie.” #winningattwitter

FakePewResearch 98.5% of cardigan owners will kill again.

MmeSurly Ruby just called the bad guy from Inspector Gadget “Dr. Claus” which explains why she’s been so nervous lately.

ProfessorSnack Crotchety: pertaining to the groin. “After a week of not bathing, he smelled crotchety.”

AuntiPax Oh THAT was the deputy? Ok then I guess I shot him too. My bad.

FakeAPStylebook Considering the economic climate, have your gift guide include affordable items such as twigs, recyclable cans, and pretty good boxes.

CParkhurst1 I strongly suspect that after the fourth day of Christmas, someone started dropping hints that more bird gifts would not be appreciated.

hipstermermaid Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before weed, forget how to rhyme.

MeganBoley Twitter, I never say goodnight to you. I always just doze off in mid-conversation like we are at a 5th grade sleepover. Goodnigdkendkjszzzzz

corrinrenee Autocorrect just changed my name to Cotton Floater.

theleanover If I was a Hispanic hair dresser I would name my salon “Jesus Dyed.”


ncguk “We spent so long looking for the Higgs boson, and all the time it was in our hearts.” — Higgs Boson Christmas Special

sarahbellum Today was amazeballs, only without the amaze part.

juan_incognito Most of the time when I appear to be in deep thought, I’m just thinking about what I’m going to build with my Legos when I get home.

notthatkendall An awkward thing is trying to figure out how you will explain to a spambot that you don’t eat McDonalds.

sgnp Bras are pretty amazing. They’re MADE to have boobs shoved in ‘em! #HouseCleaningThoughts

abobrow This has been a shit year for my fantasy dictator team.

80sMomKara My 8 year old: “On Christmas, why don’t we go to that midnight madness thing over at that church in Biloxi?” Me: “You mean midnight MASS?”

Soulsmithy Scary poops are the price we pay for holiday potlucks.

theSethsquatch The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But only if you enter through his ass.

tehawesome That first trip to the bathroom after Thanksgiving is like a religious experience. And by that I mean an exorcism.

johnmoe The Kiss Army seemed too heavy so I signed up for the Kiss National Guard. I like them one weekend a month.

badbanana You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving weekend when your watch doesn’t fit anymore.

timcarvell I wish Etsy were a physical store, just so I could see people punching each other on Black Friday over crocheted Ramones shirts for birds.

ramisalame If Snoop Dogg told me his hobby was sculpting, I’d be like “Fo’ chisel?” and we’d high-five and laugh endlessly.

InfiniteChicken @theleanover Lucky. I’ve only had sloppy, random sex in an art gallery bathroom. (Thomas Kinkade retrospective—hard to NOT get horny.)

mikeleffingwell If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around… free tree!!!

mocoddle If I were to get some sort of voice-control typing software, all my tweets would be profanity and chupacabras.

geekandahalf Pretty sure I meant “bitches”, autocorrect, but good lookin’ out.

J__Swift I think I’ll buy something to cheer myself up. This gun oughta do it.

lemoneyes Waking up early makes it harder for me to stay up late. Too little sleep is what makes that seem like an insight.

rstevens In the Marvel Universe, a “Daily Bugle” is also a sex act.

LaurenBans How is the tagline for the McRib not “Ribbed For Your Pleasure?” How?

johnmoe Question about those Progressive commercials: why are people who are dead and in heaven concerned about car insurance?

eliza_evans  Good night, Internet. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

BillMc7  Tequila is like Instagram for your eyeballs.

slackmistress  In case any of you were feeling remotely attracted to me, my bra is filled with brownie crumbs.

tehawesome  Matt Damon plays an adventurous father who takes a big risk in the heartwarming comedy-drama We Bought a Zune.

WordShore   Hurrah! The Asian corner shop is open tomorrow, so if you are local and haven’t got a present from me yet, you’ll be getting a yam.

shinyinfo  I’m just saying. If there is a siege, the library WILL. NOT. FALL. I have metal bookends I will throw like ninja stars if need be.

meganamram Every time a bell rings, an angel trained by Pavlov starts to drool.

ProfessorSnack It appears that a cock ring isn’t part of the turkey preparation.

YourAuntDiane Hard to keep the dozens of turkeys hiding from the Turkey Holocaust in the attic quiet. And none are writing in the diary I gave them.

JRehling Before you decide you’re the world’s worst cook, I just burned a banana to ashes while peeling it.

MaybeNotSteve I’m so hungry I asked a horse to the prom and she said YES!!!

adiopink Re: woman who gestured at my dad & asked what my husband does. My sister says I should’ve replied: “He sleeps with my mom.”

apodixis Crowdsourcing question: does anyone know where the fuck I parked?

brand_BIG Bleh! I feel like Keith Richards looks.

Toaster_Pastry I’m an avid multitasker. Right now I’m tweeting on my iPad while I’m pooping in the shower.

tehawesome Just had to stop myself from shouting “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” upon winning a free game in Lord of the Rings pinball.

shelldash Google Music is apparently offering me (ME!) “free Dave Matthews Band concerts”. Wondering if Bing Music might counter with “free earplugs”.

notthatkendall “If being married doesn’t mean I can make you watch Home Alone repeatedly then I don’t understand what we’re doing here”

Alena29 I just uploaded a photo on FB that shows what it look like when you’re carrying an actual baby and a food baby…at the same time.

Caissie Every time I look at Ron Paul my mouth starts watering for a Werther’s Original! #TweetThePress

wordlust Two things I need to say more often are “I’m sorry” and “Choo-choo!”

RideOrDiePudge You guys who habitually change your avatars have given me a chilling sneak peak into living with Alzheimers.

TheMiaWarren Mystikal was a rapper who cared. He told you to shake your ass but he also told you to watch yourself.

jenstatsky I always say no to drugs. Mostly after I take a bunch of em and am like, “hey I’m gonna start talking to these drugs!”


PolyesterPony My xbox no longer listens when I say pause. We’ve grown so far apart.

AnnieLowrey  What is scarier: Toy-obsessed, super-judgmental, bearded trespasser, or winged lady who wants to trade dollar bills for teeth?

joversusvolcano When I go to Hogwarts I’m going to get a wand made out Keith Richards’ femur and unicorn pubes.

notthatkendall  I’m pretty sure you guys are repinning stuff just to fuck with me now.

Greeblemonkey  Good news: Didn’t break my arm ice skating yesterday. Bad News: It is so sore I’m having trouble doing laundry. WAIT. GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND.

slackmistress I don’t think I know who Ryan Gosling is which is probably a sign that my ladyparts are going to fall out.

pilotbacon I only drink coffee so I can stare at a blank Final Draft document for longer than usual.

mikeleffingwell Super surprised to find out the most popular song played at orgies is “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”

tommycm if today were a Labrador, I’d have it humanely put down.

Patheticist I feel guilty that I’ve spent more on myself than the rest of my entire family combined. I’m teaching them a Christmas lesson, probably.

danforthfrance My cat purrs like the Enterprise-D warp core. No YOU’RE never getting laid again!

heliumcell YEAH, CUT AWAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KEYBOARD SOLO. I REALLY WANT TO SEE WHAT THE DRUMMER IS DOING RIGHT THERE. OH COOL, HITTING A CYMBAL

rstevens THE JENNY IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BLOCK

JohnFugelsang it doesn’t count as pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

BorowitzReport Gingrich says he would leave Afghanistan “only if it has cancer.”

Handflapper You guys! YOU GUYS! I just typed “ehll” and my phone autocorrected it to “hell.” AUTOCORRECT FINALLY GETS ME!

shariv67 As you can imagine, Curious George did A LOT of experimentation in college.

jeff_ratfamily Even though no music is playing I’m doing my Mighty Mighty Bosstones dance in front of everyone & I invite you to do the same.

KaseyAnderson Why would I dance like nobody’s watching? People need to see this shit

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Saturday

14 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

InfiniteChicken I got a bill from ‘State Farm’. Why do I owe money to a communist cooperative? Did we lose a war?

sarcasmically I’d like to tell you I haven’t spent an hour pasting Burt Reynolds’ face onto Jesus’ body, but I don’t want BurtJesus to hear me tell a lie.

badbanana Just completed a wildly successful first test of my new robot intern at work. At least three dead.

markleggett I’ve been stressed before, but never “infomercial mom” stressed.

MassageByTed Up next on “Today”: cockblocking. What is it, who’s doing it, and how can you protect your children?

MmeSurly Every piece of popcorn chicken is unique, like a beautiful meat snowflake.

NicLewis Just saw a Target employee as nerdy as me hit on a coworker out of his league. Star Trek tells me this won’t end well for either redshirt.

emoryshatzer If I had a magic wand I’d use it to make another magic wand, except one that’s thinner & has a longer battery-life.

badbanana I was prepared to suspend disbelief when I rented Thor, but come on. Admitted to a hospital without insurance?

InfiniteChicken I want to burn all the good will my business once commanded. If only there were some model on how to do that effectively.

joeinverarity Did anybody else notice Larry King has slowly transformed into a man-size Praying Mantis?

telephase Children left unattended will be given Jolt! Cola and a Vuvuzela. #newdeptsignage

msbellows In Netflix’s defense: if the Union Pacific had evolved into an airline like it should have, its old customers would’ve hated riding Haulster.

danforthfrance Netflix just called me drunk, kept saying “I’m sorry” and said, “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Whoops, there’s the cops” and hung up.

BridgetCallahan CW is like the Countess Bathory, it bathes in the blood of young girls to stay young.

ericsiry I honestly don’t mean to tweet so much about my dog’s poop, but as writing instructors say, “tweet what you know.”

CramtronIts Thomas Kinkade! His body fades away in pastel motes of light. The light gathers and enters your heart. YOU ARE NOW THE PAINTER OF LIGHT

WhyIsDaddyCryin I love finding a FB wall post with a lot of comments on it an adding my own that says “cats are soft”

susanorlean Someone actually did move my cheese.

ohrebecca Yayyuuuuuyyyyyyyyayyayyyayyuauuyyauu vodka!

rstevens Googled “search engines” and now I can see forever.

MarinkaNYC I don’t understand people who talk to me while I’m obviously tweeting. It’s like they were raised in a WiFi-less barn.

thejohnblog It’s probably not a good idea to have Santorum standing next to the Google logo. #tweetthepress

Cheeseboy22 Fun stat: Even when I wear my Hammer pants, I am still the most normal person in Rite Aid 100% of the time.

palinode Why didn’t they rename “The Hills Have Eyes 2″ as “The Hills Have 2 Eyes”? Because duh.

vhsTapes2 I assume “Holy Cow!” is a Hindu term.

RobinMcCauley My doctor said I have to stop drinking caffeine or I will die but it’s okay I’ve had a good run.

notthatkendall If time travel is ever invented, my first move would be to go back to the moment before WebMD is invented just to punch that guy in the face.

JohnRossBowie Last night, I sneezed so hard my mouthguard flew out. Ladies, I am a married man, control yourselves.

timcarvell OK, this is weird. The CEO of Netflix is now just standing under my window, holding up a boom box playing “In Your Eyes”.

rustymk2 Just made a fake female profile on Christian Mingle for ‘Bea Elsie Bubbs’ so I could cast out the infidels on their site.

luckyshirt If Lil Jon and Lil Wayne had a baby, it would be Lil Jon Wayne The Abomination Born Of Two Men And That’s Not Even How Baby Names Work.

theRratedBull It’s so hard to overcome stupidity. But I challenge you to keep trying.

SweetDeeeeeeTV in general is terrible for the most part. It’s like watching millions of years of evolution collapse in 30 minute segments

EvenMoreSarah guess that’s Pepto Bismol spilled on the stairs at work, but it looks like someone’s been murderin’ Care Bears up in here.

BridgetCallahan One of the major differences between me and a highly effective person is pants.

milonguera Pan flute. The spa industry’s musical overlord.

mikeleffingwell Watching my wife and daughter napping peacefully just feet from my dog who’s aggressively licking his penis. Mixed emotions.

ProfessorSnack I suppose the difference between bent and hell bent would be the shipping fees.

morninggloria All cat litter’s “fresh” scent smells the same, which defeats purpose of masking smell. Why not make a hickory bbq scented variety?

TwoAdults Toddlers slept until 8am. Ponies for everyone!

Schmoodles I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. – White. – Good condition. – Reliable. – Cheap. – Some evidence of rear end damage.

CorporateMonkey every year on my birthday I wonder if THIS is the year that I’ll finally get my superpowers.

senorwinces Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

slackmistress Going by what it selects as my “Top Stories,” Facebook needs to invade my privacy more.

sarcasmically One year at Christmas my gramps couldn’t buy a tree so we decorated the ’82 Chevy Blazer sittin’ on blocks in the yard. A+++ would do again.

ProfessorSnack Remind me to tell my kids about the elves who come by Halloween night and eat candy so they have energy to finish all of Santa’s toys. Burp.

alotofnothing Do Canadians celebrate Halloween with the rest of us or did they have it in September?

ElizabethBanks I totally rocked my “overtired working mom” costume. Complete with spit-up on shirt and a nap. And somehow, I still made it slutty.

notbrandoncrane Just saw a bird explode. It was like a pillow fight gone horribly horribly wrong.

heyrenees I just got to third with the buffet at the Four Seasons.

shariv67 White suburbanites giving out healthy Halloween treats, I hope your house is pelted with only the finest organic eggs.

rstevens I wish that when I said that we got ten inches last night that I was being saucy.

sucittaM People didn’t smile in photographs from the 1800′s mostly because the taco pizza hadn’t been invented yet.

AmberTozer Oh sorry, I thought you were a real donkey. Your costume is amazing. I’ll get off your back & stop screaming “IT’S JUST YOU AND ME DONKEY”

rstevens All I can think of is all the poor samovars of coffee going cold in the power outage before getting the chance to be turned into pee.

OhLookBirdies Victorians were posers. Hundreds walked around with those ear trumpets, but only a few of them could play it.

theleanover On Facebook, when I clicked that I “Like” Katy Perry, I really just meant her boobs.

slackmistress So it turns out “Call of Duty” isn’t a competitive pooping game.

rstevens My kingdom for a democratic republic.

royalboiler If we ever get jetpacks they will be so uncool. Like fannypacks mixed with segways.

bobtiki Heck of a day for my beard trimmer to stop working. If you see a hobo at today’s wedding, it’s probably just me.

jillgengler I think my tombstone will say “Jill Gengler: She was really fast with a flat iron.”

apodixis I know some of you are pretty busy. But you don’t actually have to read my tweets to star them. In fact, it’s better that way.

MassageByTed You probably don’t even know that your favorite thing about being childless is not having to convince someone else to eat food.

Kasdorf Any tattoo commemorating service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam or the Merchant Marines should be called a “gramp stamp.”

bookishbella It’s “voila,” not “viola.” Unless of course you’re just really excited about string instruments.

mikeleffingwell No one seems reassured by my “I Only Touch People Appropriately” T-shirt.

Patheticist Every morning my wife and I play a game of parenting chicken, the winner pretends to be asleep longer and the loser makes breakfast.

shariv67There aren’t many sports that couldn’t be improved by adding a bear.

mikeleffingwell Whenever one door closes another door opens. This house is haunted!

BonesMcCoy Why is everyone obsessed that some Cardassian named Kim divorced?

J__Swift I actually enjoy being loved from behind. Afar? It’s loved from afar, isn’t it.

JustinMcElroy The worst thing about the NBA season being canceled is that it’s like losing seven of Air Bud’s best playing years.

crassmama I guess saying “nice beard, I’m going to follow you!” to some dude isn’t as well-received in line at Starbucks as it is on Twitter.

badbanana Life is way more exciting in your forties. At any point you could sneeze wrong and end up getting emergency back surgery.

000___000 Idea for evolution: a bear with a helicopter rotor on its head.

apodixis Poop on the floor,
And you’re to blame–
You give cats
A bad name!

Cats inspire me.

robdelaney Oops! My wife just asked me if I remembered her birthday & I pulled a “Rick Perry.” (I executed her)

InfiniteChicken Life has yet to give me an opportunity to make good on my “I could punch my way out the Vatican” boasts.

misskubelik and you might say to yourself: “Hey, is there a picture of a Corgi dressed up as the USS Enterprise?” And the answer is “Corgiprise” & YES.

lateandsoon Long-ass day. An ass should be firm or pert or voluptuous. ANYTHING but long.

rstevens The dog somehow hid a gooey rawhide bone up my shorts leg. I think I still like the dog.

Dude_WaitWhat I want one of those LifeAlert things. I believe I should be able to use it when out of wine and too drunk to drive.

ApocalypseHow A recent study says psychopaths use certain words more often than everyone else. For example, “Murder-tunity.”

ineedaballrub I still remember the day I hatched from my egg avatar.

NicLewis After warding off 3 Best Buy guys with my technobabble, they descended upon a lady in a motorized cart. Now I’m conflicted about my powers.

Leask I’m pretty awesome at complaining. #grumblebrag

hellnope Sent an email for the team huddle today. Realized just after hitting send I sent a team cuddle email. Today is gonna be adorable soon.

Bagyants When I scream “I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING” it’s always about leftover food and never about feelings.

joshjs Somewhere, Katie Holmes is asking Siri to buy Suri a Sari. Also, I apologize for that last sentence.

Schmoodles Always be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole. In which case, always be someone else.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.