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Follow Friday: Christmas Past

23 Dec

Today’s post features photos from Christmas past. Enjoy!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

NicLewis RT @nprnews: After 25 Years In Woman’s Stomach, A Pen Still Writes // It wrote, “Get me out of here!”

Pinboard Ask yourself this: is there any JRR Tolkien place name that does not sound like the name of a mood stabilizer or antifungal cream?

kwmurphy I can never spell the word “hemorrhoids” right on the first try. You’d think I could, as it comes up so often in my line of work.

danforthfrance Already can’t stop saying “Bagginses. What is a Bagginses, Precious?” Welp, be glad you don’t know me in real life. It’ll be a year of this.

maggiesox I WILL CHOKE SOMEONE FOR THE HOBBIT TRAILER, COME ON APPLE.

inversejaik Thanks to the replicator, the crew learns the true meaning of Christmas. Crusher is perplexed when Worf’s heart grows three sizes. #TNG_S8

inversejaik Geordi and Data put warp plasma in Barclay’s coffee, with horrifying results. Worf’s son Alexander wonders why he even bothers. #TNG_S8

inversejaik Worf learns that the Klingon way of mathematics takes too long. On a dare, Lwaxana Troi marries Barclay. #TNG_S8

inversejaik When the ship falls through a spacetime anomaly, Picard is trapped in a turbolift with himself. Worf is enraged by the game of golf. #TNG_S8

inversejaik Riker & Worf use the holodeck to research the 21st-cen. ideal of being “bros.” Troi goes on and on about her most recent makeover. #TNG_S8

MrWordsWorth It must be tough for people on The Real World to actually have to return to the real world.

ScrewyDecimal This anxious, nauseated, “how will I pay my credit card bill next month” feeling can only mean one thing: I’ve finished Christmas shopping!

Angel__Bee Allie really doesn’t appreciate my Eddie Vedder impression as much as she should.

steenyweeny gonna put my religion as ‘grumpy as hell’ on this HR form.

MmeSurly PAJAMAS I WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU

Zaius13 They finally released Schindler’s List on blu-ray with tons of bonus features, including over an hour of hilarious bloopers!

NASeason I appear to have reserved an awfully large portion of brain space for 80’s lyrics.

BugginWord “Honey, do we have a protractor?” – Not what I was expecting.

schmutzie I’LL USE ALL-CAPS IF I WANT TO. THE INTERNET ISN’T NEARLY LOUD ENOUGH.

theRratedBull I think my half-ass effort isn’t working because I’m still a top-performer at work. I think what we need here is a quarter-ass effort.

Patheticist I feel guilty that I’ve spent more on myself than the rest of my entire family combined. I’m teaching them a Christmas lesson, probably.

willgoldstein “Don’t let the dog lick you, she’s been eating her own poop again.” #thingsIhavetosaytoooften

sarahmcdallen Me: We have a chance of snowy owls this winter! Kim (baffled): They can predict those “birds falling out of the sky events” now?

finslippy I now have seven pounds of pulled pork. Just in time for Hanukkah!

danforthfrance My cat purrs like the Enterprise-D warp core. No YOU’RE never getting laid again!

notperfect Before you think that my shopping hesitance is partly financial savvy: I once paid a massage therapist to listen to my sacrum.

InfiniteChicken I just gave @KimKardashian +K in Chlamydia!

onenjen So, now that my son is potty trained, I’m gonna be wiping pee off the toilet seat for the next, what, 15 years?

heliumcell YEAH, CUT AWAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KEYBOARD SOLO. I REALLY WANT TO SEE WHAT THE DRUMMER IS DOING RIGHT THERE. OH COOL, HITTING A CYMBAL

Patheticist You can accurately guess a person’s age by length of their voicemail message.

jenstatsky When I was a kid, I honestly thought that using Quicken was a major part of adulthood.

sarahbellum Today was amazeballs, only without the amaze part.

juan_incognito Most of the time when I appear to be in deep thought, I’m just thinking about what I’m going to build with my Legos when I get home.

notthatkendall An awkward thing is trying to figure out how you will explain to a spambot that you don’t eat McDonalds.

goodinthestacks James Franco can get professors fired for giving him bad grades? That dude really can do it all.

joeinverarity You all moonwalked into my heart.

shinyinfo If I were a millionaire I’d take the train places ALL THE TIME. Across the country, several times a year. I’d waste my money SO HARD!

thejohnblog Rick Perry issued a press release extending his condolences to the family of Lil Kim.

sgnp Bras are pretty amazing. They’re MADE to have boobs shoved in ’em! #HouseCleaningThoughts

Smethanie LOL Hot Pockets for including conventional oven cooking instructions!

macleanbrendan If we’ve learned anything from Kim Jong-Il’s death it’s that people are very good at quoting Team America.

abobrow This has been a shit year for my fantasy dictator team.

NASeason So, at what age do I have to stop dressing my kid in one piece pajamas? Twelve?

shariv67 Huz: What do you want for xmas? Me: A Mercedes? Huz: Try again. Me: Foot rubs for a year? Huz: What model Mercedes?

80sMomKara My 8 year old: “On Christmas, why don’t we go to that midnight madness thing over at that church in Biloxi?” Me: “You mean midnight MASS?”

Soulsmithy Scary poops are the price we pay for holiday potlucks.

theSethsquatch The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But only if you enter through his ass.

NicLewis 8-track players in attics transform back into their disco-robot forms for the long trip back to planet Funk. #ChristmasMiracle

owlparliament Charles Bukowski reanimates and comes over; is ornery but also a surprising good pastry chef. #ChristmasMiracle

ryankresse People take nitrates for heart problems. Bacon has nitrates. Therefore, bacon cures heart problems. #logic

mocoddle If I were to get some sort of voice-control typing software, all my tweets would be profanity and chupacabras.

michael_J_m00n When I jingle, I jingle all the way.

paulverhoeven Just tried to Shazam a fire alarm at a Westfield.

ruthakers You can tell a lot about a girl by how many hand movements it takes her to describe her prom dress.

allisonthemeep Um, Christmas is in one week. Holy shit. I mean, Oh, holy shit. The stars are brightly shining.

J__Swift Okay, Twitter is distracting me from my new boyfriend: video games. We’re gonna go make love now.

TheRedQueen My toddler just shushed me. Apparently I was making too much noise while he was trying to watch his stories.

geekandahalf Pretty sure I meant “bitches”, autocorrect, but good lookin’ out.

J__Swift I think I’ll buy something to cheer myself up. This gun oughta do it.

apodixis Geese always sound like they’re laughing at me. I wonder if they know how good they taste.

alwysabridesmd I see there is a jammie snuggie thing called “Forever Lazy.” pretty sure that would be the phrase I’d choose for knuckle tattoos. #4EVAlazy

dspiral I really should have stretched before wrapping those gifts. #gettingold

benmarvin My new years resolution is to count how many times I poop in 2012.

lemoneyes Waking up early makes it harder for me to stay up late. Too little sleep is what makes that seem like an insight.

danforthfrance Strange that no one in the Nativity stood with their back to the camera.

Toaster_Pastry Daughter brought home a small vial of pure concentrated weapons-grade glitter.

rstevens In the Marvel Universe, a “Daily Bugle” is also a sex act.

mikeleffingwell It sucks when you try to join a gang in a new city and find out none of your street creds transferred.

Lilacmess We got our xmas stockings from my MIL today and proceeded to open all of it. We have completely failed as adults. I blame husband

kellyoxford “I love her period.” – missing comma, game changer

mikeleffingwell ONE DAY after I cancel my “Whoopi Goldberg fart” Google alert and look what happens.

schmutzie I’ve now expanded my diet from peanut butter sandwiches & Little Debbie Nutty Bars to include peanut butter cookies. Diversity is key.

TheNextMartha I’m really hoping to pass this plague onto someone who deserves it.

jenstatsky “Here lies Jen Statsky. She is survived by fourteen hundred half-full punch cards from various coffee shops.”

Angel__Bee Oh good, Allie’s behind the Christmas tree grunting. This will end well.

badbanana The next Mission Impossible movie should be two hours of Tom Cruise trying not to jump onto a couch after drinking seven Red Bulls.

onenjen In my son’s world, the garbage man is on par with Ryan Gosling. “Like, OMG. He WAVED at me!”

johnmoe Question about those Progressive commercials: why are people who are dead and in heaven concerned about car insurance?

JRehling Before you decide you’re the world’s worst cook, I just burned a banana to ashes while peeling it.

Kitty_Crawford I am pregnant. The father is satay chicken curry.

morninggloria GOP debate would be much more tolerable if a merry prankster had queued up the Little Rascals theme to play as the candidates took the stage

ProfessorSnack I spend a lot more of my time than I used to searching for beverages I’ve set down.

LaurenBans How is the tagline for the McRib not “Ribbed For Your Pleasure?” How?

corrinrenee Blankets should have pockets for your feet. #bedtimethoughts

markleggett Send me a DM if you want to swing by my house tonight and get totally fucked-up on vegetarian pizza.

MaybeNotSteve I’m so hungry I asked a horse to the prom and she said YES!!!

adiopink Re: woman who gestured at my dad & asked what my husband does. My sister says I should’ve replied: “He sleeps with my mom.”

meganmonique “The Kinect gives me more opportunities to use my jazz hands!” – The Mister

sucittaM Even if none of the Republican candidates become president, they all still have promising careers as actors in Kay Jewelers commercials.

Caissie Every time I look at Ron Paul my mouth starts watering for a Werther’s Original! #TweetThePress

PolyesterPony My xbox no longer listens when I say pause. We’ve grown so far apart.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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Follow Friday: Christmas Elf

16 Dec

Today’s Follow Friday is brought to you by Isobel’s $1.oo thrift store Santa dress. It’s the miniature version of the Christmas dress of my dreams, and since it just barely fits her this is probably the only time she will get to wear it. I’m trying to get as much mileage out of it as possible.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

rileyroxme Can’t wait for the day C.P.S shows up and they’re like “Twitter.” and I’m like “Hold on while I livetweet this blowjob.”

JulieFredericks Newt is having a surge. Gross.

suitcasetricks Email from my husband: “I love you and the Hamburger Helper I’m eating for breakfast.” This guy really knows how to talk to the ladies.

thejohnblog My boss is in the stall next to me. Is it brown nosing if I periodically say “Good one, boss?” Because OH GOD HE TAPPED MY FOOT

dadourianbow Get the fuck outta here you beanie wearing motherfucker. #MerryDissmas

MmeSurly Ruby just called the bad guy from Inspector Gadget “Dr. Claus” which explains why she’s been so nervous lately.

shariv67 I never thought I’d see a day when our phones were smarter than us, and yet here we are.

ProfessorSnack Crotchety: pertaining to the groin. “After a week of not bathing, he smelled crotchety.”

michellehudson Getting in a very sappy life-loving mood this morning. Must be the second cup of coffee.

eliza_evans Do not sign a professional email with ‘Hugs!’ Just don’t.

milonguera @MeganBoley I quoted The Jerk in a reply yesterday. And then favorited myself. Super winner.

neiltyson Suffering existential angst over a Pluto-less mnemonic? Try “My very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nachos”

MeganBoley And yet, I find myself quoting Anchorman in my inner dialogue multiple times a day. So I guess my inner dialogue is obnoxious.

Lilacmess @exlibris You can see Avery Brooks trying to keep that crazy tamed but sometimes he has to let it run free.

simontarr Having an allergic reaction to something. My eyes are so swollen I look like a UC Davis student.

sween Sometimes I see parents with their kids and I get jealous. [Sips beer. Plans leisure activities. Counts disposable income.] So jealous.

jberthume The Dew is required. I am doing it.

ProfessorSnack I just want to get toned enough that dogs want to hump my leg again. #NewYearsResolution

MmeSurly I think Gwyneth Paltrow and I have a lot in common. For instance: I think we both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.

AuntiPax Oh THAT was the deputy? Ok then I guess I shot him too. My bad.

MariaMelee The BBQ I had for lunch is haunting me in a profound way.

pnkrcklibrarian Aging, alternative hipsters apparently spend their nights stuffing balls and listening to a lecture on land tax in England from 1692 – 1963

MrWordsWorth Zombies celebrate the holidays with a Perducken: a person stuffed with a duck and a chicken.

shelldash Google Music is apparently offering me (ME!) “free Dave Matthews Band concerts”. Wondering if Bing Music might counter with “free earplugs”.

CandyWarhole You don’t know what you got ’til its diagnosed by a licensed physician.

theRratedBull When Texans ask me why I moved to Kansas I just tell ’em I’m a storm chaser because it’s the only reason they could possibly comprehend.

ecsuperhero I have the best work Secret Santa. So far I’ve gotten a wine glass and a McDonald’s g/c. Alcohol and fatty food? YOU COMPLETE ME, SANTA.

sgnp If you want to know how long a minute is, my daughter will be happy to ask you every single second of one.

badbanana My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

donni Tuneless whistling is about to be the #1 cause of murder-suicides on this bus.

slackmistress I don’t think I know who Ryan Gosling is which is probably a sign that my ladyparts are going to fall out.

sarcasmically …Is UPS not doing too well? Because the UPS man just rolled up to my house in a golf cart.

jenstatsky A lot of oddly-shaped presents get a bad wrap.

sarcasmically Just yelled “USE YOUR WORDS” at the whining dog, so it’s probably time I called it a day.

rstevens Warning to all who visit: My wifi is now called Invisible Touches

badbanana “I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don’t want a blue collar job.” – Everyone who eventually becomes a judge.

theleanover If reality was better we probably wouldn’t need pretend talking.

pilotbacon I only drink coffee so I can stare at a blank Final Draft document for longer than usual.

mikeleffingwell Super surprised to find out the most popular song played at orgies is “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”

johnmoe Still unclear whether the next debate will be hosted by Larry the wacky neighbor from Three’s Company or Jo from Facts of Life.

mylifeasadad I’m scraping Alela’s two day old butternut squash purée off my sweater because really, no one will ever know.

tommycm if today were a labrador, i’d have it humanely put down.

steenyweeny i’m named after an ancient sumerian god who used a giant spiked hockey stick to clobber the skulls of those who said ‘holy doodle’ too much.

sarcasmically When is “fuckton” going to be officially accepted as a unit of measurement? –because it is probably the one I use most.

ohnoCAPSLOCK Jack is having a growth spurt. I just leaked milk through a breast pad and three layers of shirts. #sexyandclassy

davepolak I am coming up with my strategic game plan to maximize the amount of ham I eat over the holidays.

sgnp Not a big fan of someone entering the restroom immediately after me and then choosing the stall next to mine, like we’re in a horrible race.

JRehling Like my desk wasn’t messy enough already, now it’s totally covered with Higgs Bosons.

InfiniteChicken You haven’t heard Christmas music until you’ve heard it in a lobby, transposed into augmented minors by a jazz combo.

RailbirdJ Worst Christmas gift? A dolphin t-shirt. Take a second to look at my avi. Do I look like a dolphin guy to you?

helgagrace It’s that time of year! People coming in to the library to find out their property values.

ajthizzle Ok. I need to do something productive. Butt, say goodbye to couch. No, don’t linger. It’s better this way.

MassageByTed In the way that protesters sometimes throw red paint on people in furs, I propose throwing some sort of ersatz jizz on guys in Tapout gear.

apodixis I don’t really want to go to Funkytown, to be honest.

BillCorbett I finally get it! “We built this city on rock-and-roll,” meaning they smothered and crushed rock-and-roll under huge buildings, killing it.

EvenMoreSarah Me to the dog: “Come here, little fellow.” My BF: “Did you just call the dog a dildo?” Oh sure, *I’m* the one who needs my ears cleaned

JerryThomas Klout “believes” that I am “influential about iPhone.” Do you hear that, iPhone? (give me a free iPhone)

CParkhurst1 I strongly suspect that after the fourth day of Christmas, someone started dropping hints that more bird gifts would not be appreciated.

MisterSnuggl3s I have to carb load before brushing my teeth. In case you were curious about what kind of athlete I am.

Patheticist You can unconditionally love children and animals, other adult humans must have a few conditions.

hipstermermaid Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before weed, forget how to rhyme.

MeganBoley Twitter, I never say goodnight to you. I always just doze off in mid-conversation like we are at a 5th grade sleepover. Goodnigdkendkjszzzzz

CanuckLibrarian Sometimes you just need a little Kool & the Gang.

kaitlin_olson My boobies are getting big. I want to say that makes up for not being able to drink, not sleeping well and often peeing my pants.

RothNotIRA “I love you dada. I love you couch.” Well, at least I’m on par with furniture.

corrinrenee Autocorrect just changed my name to Cotton Floater.

SpaghettiJesus EVERY KNIFE BEGINS WITH KAY. #HappyHolidays

theleanover If I was a Hispanic hair dresser I would name my salon “Jesus Dyed.”

NoReservations What Would Jesus Eat? Apparently pigeon.

muffpunch “Who’s this Ting Ting person and why is he in my CD player?” Oh, mom.

apelad Why is everyone so concerned about my eyesight? Every email I get begins with “having trouble viewing this message?” The answer is no!!

Greeblemonkey We’re working on more homemade Christmas presents tonight, which basically means I am covered head to toe with modpodge.

cheekyattitude Took a while, but I overcame my fear of butternut squash.. in its defense, it wasn’t really trying to maim me.

burnstand AWW YEAH! Dropping food flakes in to my brand new keyboard! This thing is gonna be disgusting before you can say “gluttony”!

notthatkendall In the massage train of life, I am on the wrong end.

mikeleffingwell There are no atheists in foxholes. All foxes are Hindu.

The_Pigeon Just did a 5K run. I put 5 thousand dollars in my pants & got outta there.

DachsundDays And I saw a gigantic evil badger on a throne with 13 chihuahuas at his feet, yipping the theme from The Omen . . .

NicLewis “The best part of waking up? No, you’ve got Folgers in your cup.” #HonestSlogans

SpaghettiJesus “The world runs on starch and animal fat” #honestslogans

ecareyo It’s almost like the E! channel specifically knows that I’ll dedicate many hours watching a countdown of the most notorious lady murderers

JohnFugelsang Mitt Romney is as genuine as a mass emailing from Phoenix University.

JerryThomas If you need anybody to lie utterly motionless on the couch for six hours tomorrow let me know.

CorporateMonkey “only way I’m dropping trou in front of that many people is if there are Quaaludes involved.” -actual convo occurring in my office right now

ncguk “We spent so long looking for the Higgs boson, and all the time it was in our hearts.” — Higgs Boson Christmas Special

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – O Christmas Tree

9 Dec

Last weekend Anthony and I got the Christmas tree up and Isobel and the cats formed a temporary alliance whose sole purpose was the destruction of Christmas. It was fun. I put the mini tree we used last year in the Pencil Room and Isobel reminds me first thing every morning that we need to turn on the tree. I also hung a large paper snowflake so the room has a very minimalist, yet very festive, vibe. We hung these vintage ornaments on the lower branches of the living room tree because they will stand up to all the love the cats and the kid can dish out. I found more while thrifting that I’ll add to the shop later. These are perfect if you have kids or pets, and they are lovely. My very favorite part of the tree, however, is the star at the top that my Aunt Trisha made just for me.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

MeganBoley @TristinaWright @exlibris the opposite of tacos is sadness.

LouisPeitzman If you’re not ashamed to admit you’re a Christian, Rick Perry, at least be ashamed to admit you fucking haaate homos.

FakeAPStylebook Please only run your “IF GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL, WHY IS IT COLD?” editorial cartoons if the temperature is below 52.

davepolak My new cats haven’t learned their proper names yet, but they respond when I call them little fuckers.

TristinaWright “Every village needs an idiot, and sadly some of them will have internet access.”

johnmoe Generally, it’s retired Oakland Raiders QBs. RT @IareRachael: Who the frick comes up with trending topics like #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

NicLewis Teetotaler. #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

inversejaik SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! DITCHDIGGER versus the DEFRIBULATOR! And SKUNKAPE! #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

shinyinfoTHE COMPENSATORR!

johnmoe GRAVE MOURNER #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

NicLewis Pearl S. Truck. #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

johnmoe CARE BEARER #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

NicLewis Shatnersaurus. #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

NicLewis Bilbo Bagginator. #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

rstevens I was destined for greatness but I believe in free will.

steenyweeny dontcha wish your girlfriend was making potatoes like me…dontcha wish your girlfriend was wearing a seasonal apron like me…yeaaah boyeee

theleanover Most of my sex trade work is pro boner.

louisvirtel My version of winning the lottery is following a car with a “Baby on Board” sticker and finding out the driver is Jennifer Grey.

antigone_spit Whoever put this Kenny G Christmas album on is gonna get cut

LovesOfLife I’m about to tell you how running on a stomach full of pizza feels.

pistolval i gave myself a papercut on the eyelid today. #justthatgood

MassageByTed I will purchase any product that makes senior citizens rap or do the conga.

joeinverarity No thanks, I’ve had enough cheese. – not me

shinyinfo One day I’ll learn how to write organization tweets and blog posts without a million exclamation points. ONE DAY

samanthajcampen Speaking in Theo’s class about animal doctors and pet care. I think I’ll skip the part about anal glands.

rstevens Apparently “do the mashed potato” means something other than I thought and also there are laws against doing that with vegetables in public.

KeepingYouAwake “A self-unchecked is a self-wrecked.” – Some Asshole (2011)

rstevens Quantum Leper is a TV show about a time traveler who leaves parts of his body in different eras because the writers didn’t do their research

steenyweeny rt if the guy next to you on the bus looks like a baby eagle so you’ve named him birdley.

TheNextMartha I have a blog called “The Martha Project” with exactly ZERO craft posts on it. That’s called talent.

J__Swift I don’t remember what I ate for breakfast but I remember those bandaids that you opened with a string.

swamibooba Some people use “Lorem ipsum”, I use Beck’s “Loser”.

mzeld If lying on my back and putting a pillow over my face doesn’t solve all my problems, I’m out of ideas.

SFriedScientist Is it not true, Mr. The Frog, that thanks to affirmative action, it is, in fact, easier being green? #gopmuppethearings

iasshole Oh BOY bicyclist who just farmer-blew into the street hands-free, my panties just FLEW OFF here

ClevelandPoet and then I found a GIF of Hulk Hogan headbutting a Russian Flag and my day improved by +20

dino_dogan When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

EconTalker Love the paleo diet but sometimes have trouble getting the fire started rubbing the sticks together.

LadyLiberal Having “Parents of the Year” t-shirts made since it was our preshus snowflake KICKING THE BABY JESUS STATUE in the outdoor nativity this am.

johnmoe Jimi Hendrix offered an internship and mentoring program for those who answered no on his “are you experienced” question.

MrWordsWorth The feeling of Christmas is a little more gropey this year.

foulmouthsanta Omnipresent (n) Someone who buys you the same fucking thing every year.

rstevens THE JENNY IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BLOCK

JohnFugelsang it doesn’t count as pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

TheRedQueen Does Sal the Sanitation Bear’s parole officer know he is on NickJr? Seems like a violation to me. #pedobear

MrWordsWorth You will know you’ve mastered free jazz when it sounds like hate sex between Wookies.

MassageByTed My kids aren’t athletic, so I’m stuck picking fights at my daughter’s choir concerts.

johnmoe If this van is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’. If the van’s brakes are squealin’, hum More Than A Feelin’. #VanContingencies

BorowitzReport Gingrich says he would leave Afghanistan “only if it has cancer.”

Handflapper You guys! YOU GUYS! I just typed “ehll” and my phone autocorrected it to “hell.” AUTOCORRECT FINALLY GETS ME!

sgnp My moment of weakness has lasted almost forty years.

morninggloria I reject the idea of a sexy green M&M mascot because candy should not have genitals.

The_Samburglar Just heard two women discussing a dog’s outfit and how it could be hemmed if necessary. #priorities

shariv67 We’re decorating the tree with the kids today. But now that they’re teens it’s harder to find branches that will support their weight.

joeinverarity I can’t seem to keep food down no matter what I try. Best! Diet! Ever!

jessnevins Marvel, for $2 a year I’d produce a weekly Economist-style column on how current economic situations are affecting your fictional countries.

Athenabee Athena just did sad trombone noise in time out. I’m silently dying.

MetaKatea Nearly tossed banana peel out of car on way to work. Had weird “Mario Kart” moment of thinking it would cause a pile-up. Didn’t do it.

rstevens First thing I learned as a designer was that you can change the page numbers to anything you want. There is no reality.

bitchylibrarian New term for #nopants = #porkypigging. THINK ABOUT IT.

swonderful Alice: What’s that? Me: The onion skin. Alice: Onion SKIN? Is an onion a… a kid chicken?

readingsarah I tried to spell pinterest aloud during our YASF meeting today and failed, failed hard.

metalia My colorblind dad just sent me a text with a picture of the sunset, with the caption, “Amazing colors! …I think.”

mrpilkington I like it that @Shteyngart is a dog because that’s how I’ve read his novels: in a tiny yip noise followed by chewing on my testicles.

premmeridian The Swype keyboard on my phone keeps ignoring my ‘u’ in ‘honour.’ EXCUSE ME IT IS NOT “HONOR” I AM CANADIAUAUAUAN.

badbanana It’s taken me this long to realize “Eurozone Crisis” wasn’t referring to a woman’s underarm area.

ScrewyDecimal I lose socks like Herman Cain loses credibility.

Sondeera Judging from all the rainbows on avis, you folks need to get your Lucky Charms obsession under control.

crom74 Our microwave died. It died cooking two pot pies. It finished cooking them. It was a trooper.

mjbz104 I’ve only left my house for a total of 2.5hrs in the past 6 days. My arm is starting to curve like the dorsal fin of a dolphin in captivity.

emoryshatzer When a mammoth is eventually cloned I hope it’s taken to that yokel Bible museum with the words painted on its side, “How you like me now?”

tommycm btw am happy if any journos want to use my ‘cain and unable’ headline after the events of yesterday.

apodixis This is the first time I can say I spent Saturday evening pulling pork and actually mean it literally.

CorporateMonkey somehow managed to french braid my hair AT THE BAR. sounds like a +1 in the sober department

onenjen Now that my son is potty-trained, he’s traded diaper badonkadonk for perpetual plumber’s crack. #babypullyourpantsup

mikeleffingwell The dad in “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was dressed as Santa AFTER the kid was in bed = mom/dad were into freaky roleplay sex.

markleggett I’ll yell “GO CATS!” at any sporting event because I really, really like cats. #catsarenaturesmiracles #sportsarefuckingboring

TheBlackStar Leave it to Kingston to mosh to minimalist piano twinkle twinkle little star.

purple_quark It may be time to Febreeze the dog.

inversejaik At Big Lots: Low-battery Xmas toy reciting “Visit from St Nick;” sounds like “A Lt. Worf Christmas.”

Handflapper I just thanked myself for a retweet AND called myself “sweetie.” #winningattwitter

FakePewResearch 98.5% of cardigan owners will kill again.

jenstatsky Must be so confusing to be a bug flying around. One second, humans are clapping for them — the next, they’re dead.

wordsinmymouth Is there a way to take back drunk FB private messages? Asking for a friend.

willgoldstein My # of tweets/hr is both inversely correlated to the # of hours I sleep and directly correlated to the # of cups of coffee I drink.

FakeAPStylebook Considering the economic climate, have your gift guide include affordable items such as twigs, recyclable cans, and pretty good boxes.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Owl Apron

2 Dec

Last weekend some friends and I visited a craft fair and I splurged at bit (thank you, Etsy shop!) and bought a lovely green cowl and this child-sized owl apron for Isobel. I’ve been looking for an apron for her for a long time, and Isobel loves it. She likes to wear it around the house while carrying her various treasures around in the front pouch. Here she is helping me clean the kitchen. Such a good helper!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

jeff_ratfamily Even though no music is playing I’m doing my Mighty Mighty Bosstones dance in front of everyone & I invite you to do the same.

preschoolgems “I’m thankful for science, and mommy and daddy.”

TNG_S8 Picard is trapped inside a sentient turbolift. A clip show highlights the most memorable “Picard is trapped on a turbolift” moments.

rachel_nk my family’s review of pumpkin spice seltzer: it tastes like a yankee candle.

ProfessorSnack It appears that a cock ring isn’t part of the turkey preparation.

thejohnblog This turkey is making me sleepy. Seriously, he keeps going on and on about his shortcuts when he commutes to work.

girlwithatail My neighbors are outside nailing a turkey to a cross. They’re new to this country.

julieklausner Smurves.

steenyweeny instead of praying before you eat yell FINISH HIM and i promise your food will taste better every single goddamn time.

NASeason Remember when 4am was the time you came home, and not the time your baby made you get up for the day? Me neither.

heliumcell Happy Thanksgiving to EVERYONE!!! WooHoo!!! Happiness! Camaraderie! Thanking!!! YELLING!!! #PILLS #CAPSLOCK

MrWordsWorth The Macy’s Parade is an hour of entertainment stretched out over three hours.

YourAuntDiane Hard to keep the dozens of turkeys hiding from the Turkey Holocaust in the attic quiet. And none are writing in the diary I gave them.

louisck Happy Thanksgiving to all my followers who aren’t murderers. I wonder how many murderers follow me. Aw happy Tday to them too.

theleanover It’s weird how UC Davis added a question to their application asking how allergic you are to capsaicin and riot batons.

helgagrace Was just taken by a strong urge to clean all the things in the kitchen, but I managed to snap out of it!

TNG_S8 A virus that accesses genetic memory transforms Troi into a primeval warrior. Technically, Wesley still lives with his mom.

tehawesome Just had to stop myself from shouting “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” upon winning a free game in Lord of the Rings pinball.

steenyweeny does gravy ice cream cake count as dessert or an entree for this pot luck?

jess_mc You will have to pry this pie from my cold fat hands.

delrayser It’s like that Walking Dead scene of zombies devouring a horse, but replace the zombies w/Wal-Mart shoppers & the horse w/$2 waffle irons.

mommywantsvodka I wonder if Siri knows where my pants are.

BridgetCallahan Fact: On Black Friday 1997, thousands of people were murdered in their sleep by Tickle Me Elmo. #BlackFriday

batemanimation I’m at Starbucks this Black Friday. People are trampling each other to get an Everything With Cheese Bagel. Oh, the bagelity.

AntDeRosa Everybody relax, they’re putting together a Superdupercommittee

notthatkendall “If being married doesn’t mean I can make you watch Home Alone repeatedly then I don’t understand what we’re doing here”

Alena29 I just uploaded a photo on FB that shows what it look like when you’re carrying an actual baby and a food baby…at the same time.

tehawesome That first trip to the bathroom after Thanksgiving is like a religious experience. And by that I mean an exorcism.

pourmecoffee Got some incredibly cheap bundled mortgages at the Goldman Sachs doorbuster sale.

wordlust Mmm…turgluten.

tehawesome The secret behind my mom’s excellent Thanksgiving butter is that she adds just a hint of mashed potatoes.

MeganBoley Thankful for a growing family and elastic pants.

MrsFridayNext Twitter, if I said just how thankful I am for you, people who don’t use twitter would look at me REAL funny. They don’t understand our love.

FarrenSquare What is Cyber Monday? Guilt-free-cyber-sex Day, I assume.

johnmoe The Kiss Army seemed too heavy so I signed up for the Kiss National Guard. I like them one weekend a month.

himissjulie Under my breath, as I try to figure out how to staple a booklet for a child: “I have master’s degree…I have a master’s degree…!”

mat Poopin’

hereslizz When helping my girl play dress up I need to teach her the fine line between well accessorized and bag lady.

crunchyvtmommy I always look on the bright side but damnit I wanted to buy that creepy elf and terrorize my husband.

bebehblog We got our Christmas tree! Hunted & killed it ourselves, like good Americans.

SwEtMrciflCrap Me to FIL: “I got Uncle Joe a Fidora”
“Dora, who’s Dora?”
“No, a hat-I got Uncle Joe a hat.”
“He’s allergic to cats!”
Tonight should be fun.

stegasp I have yet another Thanksgiving dinner with family today. If anyone needs me I will have retreated to a dark corner of my brain.

badbanana You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving weekend when your watch doesn’t fit anymore.

HeathRobots Either my belly button is bleeding, or I really let things get out of control with the cranberry sauce.

wordsinmymouth And just introduced my dad to honey badger. It was a magical father/daughter moment.

mylifeasadad Completing the Star Wars trilogy tonight with the kids. Trying to convince Des that Ewoks are not doggies.

MrWordsWorth This is the time of year when I start to question some of the endorsement deals Santa made.

timcarvell I wish Etsy were a physical store, just so I could see people punching each other on Black Friday over crocheted Ramones shirts for birds.

Angel__Bee “ran out of pants” is not a phrase I like to hear from Allie’s teachers upon picking her up from daycare.

ramisalame If Snoop Dogg told me his hobby was sculpting, I’d be like “Fo’ chisel?” and we’d high-five and laugh endlessly.

ecsuperhero My coworkers just acted appalled at me eating cookie dough straight from the tub. I thought they knew me.

InfiniteChicken I’m always getting the Wayans and the Mayans confused; which ones did the blood sacrifices?

theleanover I gave up on aphorisms; now I write affordisms. This one is only 10 cents if you act now.

EugeniaMorpho Most people are embarassed by the porn in their browser history. I am embarassed by google seaches like “lyrics Paula Abdul Rush Rush”.

InfiniteChicken @theleanover Lucky. I’ve only had sloppy, random sex in an art gallery bathroom. (Thomas Kinkade retrospective—hard to NOT get horny.)

FakePewResearch People talking to themselves on the bus this morning: 35% Have a phone; 62% Don’t have a phone; 3% Undecided.

SteveHuff A dude with a steam shovel for a hand is destroying my neighbor’s car. #CyborgMonday

cbnickras Googling “record store cat” yields a hit for “Records Store Cat Jobs” at simplyhired. Yes, I will take that job please.

muffpunch The phones are down at work. It’s a Cyber Monday miracle!

smileydooby Ever have one of those days where you think maybe those really WERE the droids you were looking for?

muffpunch Waiting for my boyfriend to log on to AIM for Cyber Monday.

stray Dear world: stop using the prefix “cyber” until we actually have Internet-enabled brain implants (a la “Ghost in the Shell”).

joeinverarity GET BABY JESUS OUT OF YOUR UNDERWEAR! — me, right now.

mikeleffingwell If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around… free tree!!!

louisvirtel Yes, I have weak gay limbs, but please don’t mock my Masculine Dystrophy.

wordlust I see Paris, I see France… Man, this LSD is top-notch.

johnmoe “Potatoes, I suppose.” #FirstDraftStateMottoes

MmeSurly Me: What sort of books are you gonna get at the library?
Henry: BOY books. Me: What are those about? Henry: Girls.

johnmoe I honestly didn’t expect Twitter to last this long. It’s like Kajagoogoo coming out with their 20th album and it’s actually pretty good.

MrWordsWorth Got out the boxes of Christmas decorations. There is no going back now.

theleanover Nude Gingrich. #NailedIt

chickenscottpie Homework from my piano teacher: “Get drunk tomorrow night and practice this.”

MassageByTed In light of the evidence, I’m forced to conclude that, at some point, my testicles were much, much larger than they are now.

jberthume I am more angry about my Doritos Double XP Call of Duty code having already been used than a grown man ought to be, I suppose.

Patheticist Sometimes I feel below average then I click on a trending topic and ALAKAZAM! I’m a comparative genius.

Patheticist Radio Shack is the most literal name of any store.

mikeleffingwell No one ever talks about what an asshole Toddler Jesus was.

slackmistress Can I call in fat to work? Asking for myself.

LovesOfLife Maybe, just maybe that 9pm coffee was a bad idea.

JRehling If you’re planning your Christmas shopping, I’d like some new golf clubs and total power over the dead.

paulverhoeven The movie ‘The Ring’ should be renamed ‘Renember that one time, when I hugged that corpse in a disused well for nothing?’.

MariaMelee My effing PMS is like something out of Neverending Story. ARTAAAAXXXXXXXXXX.

cryanathus It’s the best thing ever when your farts sound like you are unzipping a suitcase.

cryanathus My patronus is a honey badger.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: ‘Fari Time

25 Nov

This week’s Follow Friday features Isobel and her cousins playing with the contents of the Thrifted Dress Up Chest, or, as they like to call it, “Going on Safari.” Or, as Isobel likes to call it, “Going on a ‘Fari.” No matter who comes over, the dress up chest is the most popular game to play for playdates at our house, and I have a feeling I’m going to rely on it more and more as the weather gets ugly.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

LouisPeitzman Oops, accidentally bludgeoned everyone who calls it “Turkey Day.”

apelad There ain’t no effort like minimal effort.

zamoose @apelad …’Cause a minimal effort don’t… meh.

apelad Time to hang the Christmas lights. I’m thinking just one or two. Maybe the kind with skulls or chili peppers.

simontarr With apologies to Sartre: Hell is other people’s kitchens.

pourmecoffee If Newt Gingrich is the answer, the question better be: “What was worse about 1999 than Creed’s ‘Higher’?”

asiajane Just watched my 7-year-old take a flying leap off the bed and land in a basket of folded laundry. She is pretending to be an owl.

shinyinfo I installed a new toilet seat today & the roommate hasn’t mentioned it! How do I broach this subject with her to prevent future tensions?

TheRedQueen Government hooker is trending. Is that because we give them money and they fuck us?

brand_BIG Bleh! I feel like Keith Richards looks.

EvenMoreSarah One of this couple’s must haves is “space for bikes.” Let me introduce you to “outside,” there is lots of it.

alwysabridesmd I wonder what it is like to cheer loudly for Mitt Romney! What would it be like to have that brain!

notthatkendall So I’m pretty sure @thepioneerwoman owns stock in butter.

TheRedQueen When you end your email with an ellipse I read it like this :/

theleanover If I think of my GRE as fighting a dragon and the prize is leaving Canada, then I know I can do it. But fighting a dragon with math is hard.

iasshole In bed with stomach bug. What is more humbling than having both ends turn into a firehose?

palinode Because I could not stop for Death/ He kind of stopped talking to me./ I’m like “Whoah, Death, I was in a hurry”/ And he’s like “yeah sure.”

jess_mc Ow my eye. I’m not supposed to get food products in it.

mikeleffingwell When did Jeff Bridges turn into a grandfatherly gold prospector?

RailbirdJ I just sent an email that only had the words “I don’t know shit.” I feel like that sums up my life.

badbanana People are like books. You can’t judge them by appearance alone and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.

mrpilkington Whoa! Hardcore poetry regular just bought a graphic novel!! I wanted to pat him on his graying beard.

lovegrrbottle Just saw an old man walking down the road w an old-fashioned pipe in his mouth. Old man, you’re the boss.

TheNextMartha I’m going to do it. I’m gonna throw out the rest of the Halloween candy.

steenyweeny my stupidest dreams have come true and somebody took a picture of jimmy wales wearing a different shirt!

FakePewResearch Enjoyment of cranberry sauce: Watching it slide out of the can: 98%; eating it: 2% #TurkeyStats

Toaster_Pastry I’m an avid multitasker. Right now I’m tweeting on my iPad while I’m pooping in the shower.

TheNextMartha I could really use a group of you to come sit at my kitchen table and spurt out 140 randomly all day while I get stuff done. Thanks.

johnmoe Ooh, #WhatWomenWant is trending. I’ll play! Uh… Food! Shelter! Employment! Fulfillment! Education! // Oh, I got a read on the ladies.

FlyoverJoel Circle of Life: Dinosaurs died and decomposed into oil which we turned into plastic that helps power computers to make CGI Dinosaurs.

babybabylemon Toddlers are a delicate balance between adorable and evil.

adamisacson At the dentist. My hygienist seems unmoved by my pledge to have a Supercommittee recommend cuts to my Skittle consumption.

wawoodworth Stopping library ebook lending is clearly the work of the Danny Divito Penguin. The Burgess Meredith Penguin is far too classy for that.

heyrenees Listening to darkest French language tape. “He is going to fall. He is going to die.”

MrWordsWorth A Very Gaga Holiday involves her naked on a table asking people who wants to baste her.

Angel__Bee Apparently the crock pot – cousin of the coffee pot – also only works if you turn it on. Whatever. Outsmarted by my own appliances.

mochamomma When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s a vegetable according to Congress.

Angel__Bee Oh crock pot – our reunion is even sweeter than I imagined.

himissjulie @shinyinfo now I want to see a comic book style hero named FAN FICTION who goes around writing FAN FICTION.

thebleupills I need to go to the FBI’s page, just to make sure-but am beginning to wonder if my toddler is on their Most Wanted list. #Terrorist

markleggett Anne Geddes almost took my photo thirty years ago. She left to get a coffee and never came back. I’m cold and this flowerpot is too small 😦

UnicornFlavored If ghosts of my dead relatives exist, I wonder if they are watching me poop right now.

val_forrestal I only have 2 days of work this week. To make up for this, apparently everyone is trying to pack 5 days of aggravation into those 2 days.

InfiniteChicken What’s worse than herpes? Space herpes.

joeinverarity Seriously guys. Where did the gum that just fell out of my mouth while sitting at my desk go? This might turn out really bad.

sarcasmically The rule of thirds also states that if you make a cake that is nine inches tall, a third of those nine inches better be frosting.

shariv67 As you can imagine, Curious George did A LOT of experimentation in college.

emoryshatzer Read an article about Woody Allen’s son being named a Rhodes Scholar or watch a video of Woody Allen boxing a kangaroo? Oh, Twitter!

badbanana I’m growing facial hair all November long to raise awareness for how lazy I am.

theleanover Ever drink so much coffee you understand David Lynch’s short films?

rascality looks like they’ve started hanging sutras from signs at the local garage – this one says “alignment”

bebehblog In other road trip news, I taught my 2 year old to poop outside. Cross that off my life list.

sgnp Cold temperatures are my ally. The kids lasted a few minutes at the park. Inside with hot chocolate!

helgagrace Patron: “I printed out a 500 page book on how to save trees.” #sundaylibrarian

AaronFullerton Still haven’t been any of those places Dr. Seuss said I’d go.

himissjulie I love you, singing Klingon. #ds9

helgagrace I was looking for a cable and I found it under the cat.

sarcasmically There is a sick Toddlerface in our bed. This is like the exact opposite of what should be going on in a bed on a Saturday night.

apelad Free idea for google: type “deal with it” in the search bar, sunglasses descend on the “oo” in google. Can someone make this happen?

shanaeats “The difference between sultry and tired is fake eyelashes.” — @khamsin

apelad Grocery store self checkout lanes are mankind’s crowning achievement.

TristinaWright Me: no forest needs Dora. Stephen: maybe she’ll stay there and they’ll remove the cameras.

faultypancake If you’ve ever un-ironically referred to the band Ween as “the best band ever”, common ground is a flavor that we shall never taste.

NASeason Nap-Fighting Baby is my least favorite kind of Baby.

fierceflawless As of today, @clunkyrobot & I have been married for as long as kim kardashian was. I feel like this is an important milestone

fierceflawless What do you get your husband for your kardashiversary? A reality tv show pilot? We could do that.

thecorbettkid websites with music will always make me angry. always. #HULKSMASH

fuzzytypewriter Stockpiling Count Chocula before Disney puts it back in the vault. Let’s not kid ourselves. Disney is somehow behind this shit.

WhyIsDaddyCryin love those Oatmeal to Go square bar thingies bud damn they look like smashed cat shit

Angel__Bee @exlibris My husband says our house is like Hoarders: Yarn Edition

schmutzie This person standing next to me is the loudest gum chewer who ever lived, although not for much longer. #killkillkill

sarcasmically The cutest thing about having kids is the tiny laundry. The worst thing about having kids is also the tiny laundry.

rachel_nk also I just splashed in some puddles with my rainboots on. very therapeutic. highly recommend.

onenjen Potty-training kid tells me, “I want to poop in my pants ALL day.” And with that, I pour myself a stiff drink.

slackmistress I was once told I didn’t know how to write for dudes. Responded by writing a spec pilot that is 100% about touching boobs.

danforthfrance What I’m bringing to the family potluck Thanksgiving is patience and long smoke breaks outside.

slackmistress “Two heads are better than one.” -Serial Killer Needlepoint Sampler

ScreamingDanzig If one turkey ever wanted to murder another turkey and cover it up, this would be the time of year to do it

meganmonique My sister just messaged me and told me she broke up with her BF. I’m moving up on her priority list! #Score

steenyweeny despite all my rage i am still just a jenny at a softmoc.

markleggett If I die unexpectedly, I’m trusting you to clear out the “Charmed” box set from under my mattress before my dad finds it.

Toaster_Pastry I’m 497 followers from 1000. C’mon! Help a dude out.

AOAM_Librarian I’m so tired but I want froyo but I don’t wanna get up. My life sucks.

fuzzytypewriter POLL: Would you rather have A. a trained Megalosaurus that could launch out of your wrist watch OR B. Tusks

chopper4jk It’s so cute when a bad date thinks you’re ever coming back from the restroom.

shariv67 The uterus is like a magic lamp which contains a really cranky genie.

bebehblog The toddler ate my poop yogurt for dinner. I have a feel I might regret that decision.

LouisPeitzman Food babies are ideal if you hate real babies but love stretch marks.

joeinverarity It doesn’t have to be the Nobel Peace Prize. Any Nobel prize would do. I’m not picky.

apodixis Crowdsourcing question: does anyone know where the fuck I parked?

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Moonish

18 Nov

I took these photos last spring when we drove down to Cayucos to watch my dear friend get married. I accidentally adjusted the white balance without realizing it and fired at least a dozen shots before I caught my mistake. The resulting photos look like they were shot on some forlorn, post-apocalyptic moon. The blue cast match the weather perfectly, as it was a bone-chillingly cold spring and we arrived right in the middle of the worst storm flooding in ten years.

I really will have to tell you about that trip sometime. Especially the part where Isobel and I fell in the ocean.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

sarcasmically What if all the socks we lose in the dryer are defecting and forming an enormous military OH GOD

joeinverarity WHY IS MY COWORKER LISTENING TO RUSH LIMBAUGH? PLEASE SEND OPIATES. Or is that what Rush would want?

maggiesox It’s November 15 and I’m walking around Center City in a sweatshirt. It snowed before Halloween. Mother Nature needs an intervention.

connoliam Wuthering-er Heights #classicnovelsequels

icrvn The Scarlet Tweet  #classicnovelsequels

scareydicarey1 Great Disappointments #classicnovelsequels

callum119 Greatly Lessened Expectations Due To The Crushing Banality Of Adulthood. #classicnovelsequels

Matthew_Spicer Don Quixote Vs. Predator #ClassicNovelSequels

rudiedudie Cat’s Bouncy-Seat #classicnovelsequels

InfiniteChicken The Great Gatsby’s Ne’er-do-well great-great Nephew, Randy #ClassicNovelSequels

InfiniteChicken 1985: Doc Brown’s Revenge #ClassicNovelSequels

mitdasein Look Who’s Wuthering Too! #classicnovelsequels

NicLewis Lowered Expectations. #ClassicNovelSequels

mitdasein 2 War 2 Peace #classicnovelsequels

MechanoCham The Picture of Dorian Gray: 3D #classicnovelsequels

rudiedudie Charlie and the Chinese Chocolate Factory #classicnovelsequels

Evil_Dumbledore Harry Potter & the Tuition Fees of Inaffordability  #classicnovelsequels

CosyFanTootie Charlotte’s Webcam #classicnovelsequels

carlmaxim Lady Chatterley’s Friend with Benefits. #classicnovelsequels

Kasdorf Any tattoo commemorating service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam or the Merchant Marines should be called a “gramp stamp.”

a_outburst Who knew making healthy snacks for 20 pre-schoolers would give me an ulcer.

bookishbella It’s “voila,” not “viola.” Unless of course you’re just really excited about string instruments.

pnkrcklibrarian Today I’ve preformed at least 3 miracles. I am pretty fucking awesome.

ordermeanother Thanks @MeganBoley for your donation! You are good people. Literally because you are more than one person currently. #preggers #movember

annakarenine meeeee i waaaaaaant a huuuuuula hooooooooooop

brattyunicorn That was so good my rock hard nips just shot lasers.

mikeleffingwell No one seems reassured by my “I Only Touch People Appropriately” T-shirt.

Patheticist Every morning my wife and I play a game of parenting chicken, the winner pretends to be asleep longer and the loser makes breakfast.

TwoAdults Tights are pinchy and my waistline is giving them the finger.

shariv67There aren’t many sports that couldn’t be improved by adding a bear.

WindsorGrace Parks and Rec really makes me want to work for my local government.

mikeleffingwell Whenever one door closes another door opens. This house is haunted!

TheRedQueen @nbc is bad people.

apelad The problem with the land of milk and honey is all the cows and bees everywhere.

J__Swift I actually enjoy being loved from behind. Afar? It’s loved from afar, isn’t it.

TheNextMartha Time change means that mommy wants to go to bed at 5:30. Kids? The pantry is open for business.

britain OH: “I have no pockets. Stupid girl pants cheated me out of 75 cents.”

Casey_Malone Wait a sec… Community put on hold JUST as Skyrim comes out? WE ARE ON TO YOU, DanHarmon

JustinMcElroy The worst thing about the NBA season being canceled is that it’s like losing seven of Air Bud’s best playing years.

joeinverarity Being targeted with ads in gmail freaks me the hell out. And also, I don’t recall writing about Brazilian waxes, but thanks for the coupon!

slennonharris Dear God It’s Me Margarine, I Know, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Either!

ProfessorSnack 5 wishes there were self flushing pants. I don’t have the heart to tell him that they’d be useless in the world of pantless social media.

sbellelauren if i find out dress barn isn’t farm animals in evening wear i will burn that place to the ground

wordlust There’s a time and a place for everything, and it’s called your mom’s van.

theleanover I was on board with Disney’s “Old Yeller” video game up until the last mission.

BuenoBabyGirl Most common thing said on #MTVsCribs: “Got my flat-screen here.”

ohnoCAPSLOCK One day I will no longer be vomiting regularly. My vomit-free ship will come in!

Smethanie My mom bought me a journal. I don’t get it. If I write my thoughts in there, how do I make sure the whole world can see it?

crassmama I guess saying “nice beard, I’m going to follow you!” to some dude isn’t as well-received in line at Starbucks as it is on Twitter.

BugginWord Tacos. The end.

badbanana Life is way more exciting in your forties. At any point you could sneeze wrong and end up getting emergency back surgery.

MeganBoley Does anyone know if I can get into the planetarium gift shop without paying full admission? #spaceicecream

theleanover Bourbon on the rocks out of a mug that says “Romance Is Boring.” Hello Friday!

That_Biz Just used Vick’s as chapstick because I’m a winner.

bitchylibrarian I just put on a dress and it looks like I’m a hipster trying to be an extra on Dr. Quinn. That looked better on the hanger.

000___000 Idea for evolution: a bear with a helicopter rotor on its head.

apodixis Poop on the floor,
And you’re to blame–
You give cats
A bad name!

Cats inspire me.

smileydooby Oh my god did you see the tweets on that lady?

allisonthemeep I had somehow talked myself into switching to decaf coffee for health reasons, but that’s over now. Decaf tastes like burnt hair.

wheatnik Googling pumpkin spice chai recipes while listening to Wu-Tang Clan is the easiest way to confuse the fuck out of your racial identity.

robdelaney Oops! My wife just asked me if I remembered her birthday & I pulled a “Rick Perry.” (I executed her)

TheMostTender I just ate 14 donut holes in under 2 mins to practice in case I’m dared to do that at some point.

real_danimal My 16 mo. old niece zooms around making noises like an excited R2D2.

helgagrace Buckling down and getting shit done. WHO HAVE I BECOME?

notthatkendall I thought I could fix our runny toilet and then I googled things and now I can’t unknow that snakes can get into your toilet through pipes.

PixieJames I’m ready with my Rick Perry joke as soon as I can remember it.

JohnFugelsang Don’t think of my Rick Perry jokes as ‘kicking him when he’s down.’ Think of it as ‘denying him clemency.’

UnicornFlavored “Dada poopoo.. Dada poopoo”, Zoey spoke softly to herself after Kyle ripped a morning fart.

Schmoodles Always be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole. In which case, always be someone else.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Keep on Truckin’

11 Nov

When our friend John got hired by a trucking company I immediately took it upon myself to buy him every single amusing vintage trucker hat I came upon while thrifting. John is a lover of gaming, D&D and comic books, and didn’t bat an eye when I started presenting him with these hats, even when I gave him a child’s-sized panda hat when he was dressed up as Rorschach for Halloween.

Here are some of my favorites.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

joshjs OH: “Isn’t the saying ‘two pigs with one bird’ nowadays?”

TristinaWright I’m gonna carpe the hell out of this diem.

ObtuseLibrarian If you leave the first S out of Podcasts, you have Podcats. Which sound like fun.

Toaster_Pastry Today, I fired 6 people. Too bad they weren’t working for me.

NASeason I’m reduced to taking very long bathroom breaks to get a minute to myself. Family is EXHAUSTING.

slackmistress Everyone at work discovering my bizarre Internet life is like being the Batman of weirdos and perverts.

trumpetcake Slip a mayonnaise jar over both your hands and feet if you’d like to rid yourself of weasels. #HomeRemedies

thecorbettkid just so you know, the pink tiger is the same as the pink panther.

shellipants nanananana SALAD TIME!

bellyofawhale iPhones are so great, as long as you don’t plan on ever making an actual phone call on one.

lovegrrbottle apparently remote controls, camera cases & cords are top motivation for Sonora. bc she just CRAWLED, people. we have ourselves a techy baby.

TheNextMartha Woman just jogged by in what looked like to be a cat woman costume.

JennyJohnsonHi5 Watching my dad use his new iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try to communicate with her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

babybabylemon The toddler disappeared while holding a rice cake covered in peanut butter. This will not end well.

sarcasmically It’s a little sad how long I will spend on my hands and knees looking for that one Skittle I dropped.

MrWordsWorth Idea: The Star Trek: TNG crew passes through a vortex and ends up on an Appalachian planet for a movie I call Picard and Grinnin’

whiskeynikki Pants are for suckers.

will__lane The Murdering Tree #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

carlaeastis Blueberries & Bourbon for Sal #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

rileyroxme Mary’s Poppin #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

daniel14159 One fish, two fish, red fish, Kung Fu fish. #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

chrismcelwain Little House on the Post-apocalyptic Wasteland #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

robotderek Green Eggs and Bacon #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

Seizurebot1011 Five Little Monster Trucks #childrensbooksmademoreexciting

Chris_Withers The Lion, the Witch and Something More Interesting Than a Wardrobe. #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

woodge Blasting Caps For Sale #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

chrismcelwain Skateboarding Ninja of Green Gables #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

woodge If You Give A Mouse A Bazooka #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

MikeFinazzo The Boxcutter Kids #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

Seizurebot1011. Guess How Much I Love Explosions #childrensbooksmademoreexciting

jasonmustian Horton Hears ‘The Who,’ LIVE In Concert, On Acid #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

jotro Bi-Curious George #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

NotThatAndyJOne Fish, Two Fish, Giant Fish, Mutant Fish #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

johnmoe Goodbye Forever Moon #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

theleanover On Facebook, when I clicked that I “Like” Katy Perry, I really just meant her boobs.

GoonSquadSarah If DirecTV were a person, they would be the one you are only friends with because they have a boat. #SundayTicket

notthatkendall I’m going to spend my morning writing articles on corporate compliance…or dead. Dead sounds kind of cool, relatively speaking.

theleanover Nowadays Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big buffets.

notthatkendall “And then I forced the dog into a PhotoBooth photo shoot and we both took a nap.” – The last line in nearly all of my diary entries

the818 Waking up is for suckers.

theleanover Potential linens store name: Duvet Buffet.

rstevens Coffee. Black. In ceramic vessels.

slackmistress So it turns out “Call of Duty” isn’t a competitive pooping game.

johnmoe Uh oh. I accidentally bought the wrong game. I hope I can return this copy of Call of Doody.

MassageByTed It Burns #OtherDoritosFlavors

TheSuniverse There’s a spider above the door of the bathroom. Is it workplace harassment to tell a tall person to kill it?

keli_h last night, when i was reading E a story before bed, she said, “mom. i am so excited about having 2 dvd screens in our new car.” #priorities

rstevens My kingdom for a democratic republic.

TheManwife Hiring Manager: “Do you have any writing experience? Me: “Yes, I’ve published over 55,000 tweets.” I think I handled that rather well.

MrWordsWorth I subscribe to the belief that, if your Halloween decorations are still up one week later, you may as well just use those for Christmas.

CandyWarhole If I’ve learn one thing in life it’s this: Never trust a man who knows exactly how many candy canes he can hang on his penis.

royalboiler If we ever get jetpacks they will be so uncool. Like fannypacks mixed with segways.

mikeleffingwell A priest just performed an exorcism on our toilet. Nobody took a horrible shit there, he was just a crazy priest.

awrightbrian It’s not every day you get an extra hour to complain. Use it well, Twitter.

MariaMelee They need an app where you collect badges for doing this crazy parenting stuff.

kristenschaaled Thanks a lot Daylight Savings! Now I have to wait an extra hour for Christmas.

bobtiki Heck of a day for my beard trimmer to stop working. If you see a hobo at today’s wedding, it’s probably just me.

PolyesterPony There’s an old guy walking down the street with a spinning pinwheel hat on. Humanity has its charms.

MeganBoley There are 7893 Cheerios on the floor. In case you need any, I have them.

KeepingYouAwake Achievement unlocked: re-rolling entire roll of toilet paper that a child unrolled to wear.

MariaMelee Daylight savings was so much cooler before it meant my kids would be getting up at 6 am.

librarianearp I love watching all the Harry Potter movies in a row. Watching the kids grow up, become better actors, watching Hagrid’s house move.

mermaidpants Taking a break from #NaNoWriMo to watch an episode of Star Trek. There’s going to be photon torpedoes in my next chapter, I just know it.

PolyesterPony Hey, a guy asked me out. Like on a date. Sorry about that earthquake there Oklahoma.

heyrenees If only I’d been born sexy instead of empathetic.

jillgengler I think my tombstone will say “Jill Gengler: She was really fast with a flat iron.”

apodixis I know some of you are pretty busy. But you don’t actually have to read my tweets to star them. In fact, it’s better that way.

BridgetCallahan I just got spam promising me “close meeting with thoughtless facebook women” and I’m like, dude, I got that DOWN.

TheNextMartha I was just disciplining my 4 y/o and in the background my older son said “Oh Snap.”

badbanana Earlier this week, Andy Rooney had gone to the doctor complaining about shortness of breath and email and thumbtacks.

slackmistress Andy Rooney may have died, but Yelp commenters will make sure his legacy lives on.

biorhythmist (AP) Andy Rooney dead at 92 after a long battle with pretty much everything.

lzone @exlibris I’m convinced the only reason I keep my home phone is so I can call my cell phone when I lose it somewhere in the house.

ineedaballrub I still remember the day I hatched from my egg avatar.

cbnickras To everyone who thinks hipsters are not a real thing anymore: they are in the Midwest! We are on a 7 yr delay from the rest of civilization.

CleverTitleTK I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the words “discount” and “surgery” don’t go together, Groupon.

Important_Facts We have nothing to fear but fear itself, plus like ten thousand other things. #FearFacts

Bibliosoph I can’t afford to buy new sweaters this winter, so I think I’ll just get fat to keep warm instead.

NicLewis After warding off 3 Best Buy guys with my technobabble, they descended upon a lady in a motorized cart. Now I’m conflicted about my powers.

Leask I’m pretty awesome at complaining. #grumblebrag

JerryThomas I am become hugs, the cuddler of worlds.

Maybe you should have left it there.

BonesMcCoy Why is everyone obsessed that some Cardassian named Kim divorced?

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Just Like Kiki

4 Nov

Isobel was very excited about her Halloween costume. She got to wear a black dress (just like Kiki!). She got to wear a big red bow (just like Kiki!). And she got a broom, a radio, and a black cat named Jiji (just like Kiki!). Even now, a few days after the fact, she insists on carrying her “Kiki radio” with her everywhere.

Today’s Follow Friday is dedicated to my favorite witch.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

TwoAdults Toddlers slept until 8am. Ponies for everyone!

morninggloria Break up the dirt in preparation for spring planting. #ThatsWhatHoesDo

MrWordsWorth New from Quaker, Zooey Deschanel Quirk cereal. You put it in a little shoe & hide from it in your closet. Part of an outrageous breakfast.

MadMonk56 Chris Matthews on The View. So this is hell?

Sondeera Nothing says “delights of parenthood” quite like a pocketfull of waffles.

Schmoodles I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. – White. – Good condition. – Reliable. – Cheap. – Some evidence of rear end damage.

Krud Tomorrow is Avoidance Awareness Day. Be sure to not mark it on your calendar.

sbellelauren you should be able to eat more things on sticks like, pizzacicles! fried chickencicles! i was gonna say pussycicles but its too early.

Smethanie If you’ve ever contemplated buying a new fridge because the box it comes in makes a super awesome fort, we could totally be friends.

willgoldstein How excellent would it be of @BarackObama joined the #Movember movement? He’d look badass in a handlebar mustache.

eliza_evans I am old. When I saw Demi and Wilmer was trending, I figured Demi Moore was working her way through the cast of That 70s Show.

PolyesterPony I am never more American than when I’ve eaten so many chocolate chip cookies that I want to barf. Think on THAT a while, commies.

senorwinces Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

iasshole Today’s band name: Butt Kegels.

willgoldstein Fuck it. I’m making brownies.

markleggett Are women only going to gyms so they can one day rise up against men and crush us all between their rock-hard thighs? I hope so.

thejohnblog Herman Cain? Sexual Harassment? If you didn’t immediately picture a pizza box with a hole cut in the bottom, then you’re a liar.

wordsinmymouth Sometimes there just isn’t enough pee to put out all the fires.

slackmistress Going by what it selects as my “Top Stories,” Facebook needs to invade my privacy more.

sarcasmically One year at Christmas my gramps couldn’t buy a tree so we decorated the ’82 Chevy Blazer sittin’ on blocks in the yard. A+++ would do again.

jess_mc My entire facebook feed is pictures of people’s children dressed up for Halloween. I’ve crossed some Rubicon of old here.

MassageByTed Also, “The Sound of 50,000 Deflating Boners” is the title of my National Novel Writing Month project.

HeathRobots Halloween needs to be over now. My blood sugar is what a physician might call ridiculously jacked up. Skittles. Taste the Diabetes.

ProfessorSnack Remind me to tell my kids about the elves who come by Halloween night and eat candy so they have energy to finish all of Santa’s toys. Burp.

mrpilkington I’m trying to find a realistic sweater option for the cat, you know, so he’ll hate me even more.

shelldash OK KIDS STOP NOW ALL WE HAVE LEFT ARE EXPIRED COUGH DROPS, STALE PRETZELS, CONDOMS AND ENNUI. GO HOOOOME.

sbellelauren if you really want your costume to be sexy then just take the whole damn thing off.

heyrenees Best costume I saw today: a dude dressed as a banana swinging in a hammock.

muffpunch The most unfunny three minutes of my day are the three minutes of Jay Leno my DVR picks up before Jimmy Fallon.

adamisacson Tonight my daughter and her friend uttered four words that have never crossed my lips non-ironically: “I have enough candy.”

alotofnothing Do Canadians celebrate Halloween with the rest of us or did they have it in September?

FamilySizedFun if these kids don’t pass out in less than 10 minutes it will be the scariest thing this Halloween!

ElizabethBanks I totally rocked my “overtired working mom” costume. Complete with spit-up on shirt and a nap. And somehow, I still made it slutty.

allisonthemeep Serious question: At what point did Val Kilmer go from being really attractive to having a head the size of the Death Star? Like, the 90s?

notbrandoncrane Just saw a bird explode. It was like a pillow fight gone horribly horribly wrong.

heyrenees I just got to third with the buffet at the Four Seasons.

drgrist I’m going to give my whole bag of candy to the richest looking kid I see & trust that he’ll trickle it down to the other kids.

TheBloggess Halloween is when the veil between the living & the dead is at its thinnest. And that’s why I can’t take a shower.

ProfessorSnack I drink Wild Cherry Pepsi instead of Cherry Coke because I like the idea that Pepsi gave the cherries a sporting chance before killing them.

Sigafoos “I need a stool softener. It’s for my mother in law.” So that’s how my day’s going.

MeganBoley If melting Halloween candy into morning coffee is wrong, then I am super duper wrong.

shariv67 White suburbanites giving out healthy Halloween treats, I hope your house is pelted with only the finest organic eggs.

turtlesby In the hallowed tradition of treating one’s neighbors, today I throw open the shades and walk the walk, if you get my weening.

UnicornFlavored Can we all just agree to eat candy all day? If we scale up together, it’s like it never happened.

alwysabridesmd The best thing about being an office drone on Halloween is guessing who wore a costume and who is just bad at dressing themselves.

EvenMoreSarah Ew. Way too Monday outside.

PinkPeonies I just rubbed my forehead and dried couscous from dinner fell off. How did I not notice that earlier? #winning

joshjs We just saw a double rainbow. I feel like tweeting this is compulsory.

rstevens I wish that when I said that we got ten inches last night that I was being saucy.

bebehblog I am uploading all the party pics to Facebook, including some really unflattering ones of myself. Because I am a giver.

theleanover Fuck Apple. I just duct taped my Zune to my Nokia. Boom!

danforthfrance Bartender dressed as The Fifth Element showed me her Multi-Pass. #halloween

morninggloria I’m trying to make “two monocles” happen. It’s a very decadent look.

sucittaM People didn’t smile in photographs from the 1800’s mostly because the taco pizza hadn’t been invented yet.

johnmoe “A Frankenstein who plays guitar? Ghost who plays guitar? Sexy guitar-playing Zombie Qaddafi?” – Carlos Santana considers his options

AmberTozer Oh sorry, I thought you were a real donkey. Your costume is amazing. I’ll get off your back & stop screaming “IT’S JUST YOU AND ME DONKEY”

LouisPeitzman Number of propositions received following “I’m slutty” tweet: -3.

Brotherwags Don’t freak out, but “Super-Dad” is doing his laundry right next to me as I tweet this. #humblebrag

morninggloria Rick Perry will continue to participate in debates. Ill continue pointing out that Rick Perry kind of looks like the Grinch.

geekandahalf I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight so I can wake up tomorrow and then take an epic nap. #planningahead

chickenscottpie Please forgive my earlier angry traffic tweeting. I murdered everybody, and now it’s all better.

louisvirtel The worst Evanescence video has got to be the Twilight series.

rstevens All I can think of is all the poor samovars of coffee going cold in the power outage before getting the chance to be turned into pee.

shinyinfo I shudder to think of the inside of those Holosuites. #DS9

NoReservations “What do you provide your audience?” asks immigration guy. “Dick jokes,” I reply.

babybabylemon Spencer calls his helmet his danger hat.

TwoAdults Me, Ezra and Iris are at the Starbucks drive-thru in our jammies. Long live civilization!

sarahbartlett Time to feed this kid: scrambled eggs. I am so creative it hurts!

BridgetCallahan Also completely sincere: our biggest contribution to any visiting alien culture is going to be coffee.

Mama_Mash Never put your child to bed with a talking stuffed animal. Dear My Pal Scout, you just made me crap my pants.

wordsinmymouth I’m thinking of calling this zit Monique & adding her to my dependents for tax purposes.

heyrenees I’ve been asking Siri dirty questions all afternoon and giggling.

TheNextMartha If extreme couponers ran government, we’d have zero debt PLUS all get a refund.

mariannecanada Feeling pretty cute until my mom asked if I was wearing a skort.

wordlust There should be some kind of adult Halloween where they hand out antidepressants and health insurance.

ecsuperhero I totally just offered Shane sexual favors in exchange for him telling the kids’ babysitter that I am not coming to her Tupperware party.

OhLookBirdies Victorians were posers. Hundreds walked around with those ear trumpets, but only a few of them could play it.

oodja I Know What You Did Last Summer, Charlie Brown ##RejectedPeanutsSpecials

BridgetCallahan Good Grief Charlie Brown, Why Won’t You Use a Condom? #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

johnmoe I’m Rejecting Your Peanuts Special, Charlie Brown #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

AnaGasteyer Snoopy Gets Fixed #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

BridgetCallahan It’s Not the Great Pumpkin, It’s that Homeless Migrant Pumpkin Picker Again Charlie Brown #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

Lord_Voldemort7 You’re a horcrux, Charlie Brown. #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

NicLewis It’s a Class Action Suit Against Minoxidil, Charlie Brown. #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

TheBloggess I’m not telling you that I don’t want to eat your brains just to lull you into a false sense of security. I’m just generally not hungry.

muffpunch Mom: Want to go to dinner with us? Me: Well, it’s game 7. Mom: Is that some kind of internet thing? I don’t know what that is. Me: Yes.

funtrees Patron: “Can you tell me like, where your books are on, like, Buddhism, and like, enlightenment?” Dear, you’re going to need more than that.

helgagrace These Jeopardy contestants obviously don’t have patrons asking them for Selena all the time.

JLYoungsma What man doesn’t like to come home to his wife in big brown furry robe? I am your personal Snuffaluffagus.

babybabylemon I bought a bag of Doritos so I would stop eating Halloween candy. #logicfail

MassageByTed You probably don’t even know that your favorite thing about being childless is not having to convince someone else to eat food.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Fall-Like Photos

28 Oct

Nature has finally decided to act fall-like around here, which means cooler temperatures and windy days. I’m celebrating by posting my favorite fall-like photos.

This weekend we’re celebrating Halloween by driving down south so that my husband and a few of my friends can leap over hot coals, wear viking hats, and drink beer. Should be good times.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple stepsfurther.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

adamisacson Weird to think my cats don’t know my name. To them, I’m probably “Guy Who Gave Us Tuna From the Can That Time in 2007.” (They know years.)

Handflapper I just got up and already I need a nap. I must not be doing this life thing right.

NicLewis If you’re smart, you’ll have a car waiting. If you’re brilliant, you’ll have a jet pack waiting. #StepsToSurviveAHorrorMovie

notthatkendall Processing invoices while watching Rachel Zoe means I type things like “super-gigantic” and someone should come run me over with their car

LOLGOP Since 1980, the top 1%’s balls have grown by over 1,000%.

NicLewis You only get to say, “It’s over,” if you’ve detonated a neutron bomb in the killer’s colon. #StepsToSurviveAHorrorMovie

jberthume Was just picked up from a rural airport by someone in an RV. I think I saw this on Breaking Bad once.

badbanana I’m guessing the worldwide average is about one great idea per every 2.7 million Moleskine notebooks.

TNG_S8 The prime directive is completely ignored when Picard really wants to ride a Centaur. Geordie sleeps through the whole episode by accident.

J__Swift If you have a kitten do not eat the kitten. Pet the kitten, also, cuddle the kitten. DO NOT EAT KITTEN.

MariaMelee Every time I start to catch a cold I secretly wish it’ll make me sound like Jessica Rabbit.

freudiantypo Autocorrect just turned “doable” into “spanked” in my last text.

jillsmo STOP GIVING ME KLOUT IN BEYONCE!!!!

MmeSurly “Siri, where is the nearest bakery?”
“Are you sure? Those pants look like they’ve shrunk a bit in the dryer.”

misskubelik The mom calling her kid PEAPOD is freaking me out. She’s not saying it nickname-y. OH GOD, WHAT IF THE KID IS REALLY NAMED PEAPOD? #library

ameliastier There’s nothing worse than chipping your nail polish on the first day. Except maybe AIDS and world hunger I guess.

TheDweck Netflix is really in a downward spiral. If Netflix were a person, it would be eating pizza and watching Netflix all day.

abbeyrenee “I figured out why I’m so weird. I’m from the fourth dimensional.” #stuffJiminsays

PolyesterPony This home printer is needier than my ex.

TheTweetOfGod Seize the day. Arrest it. Throw it in jail. That’ll teach it for having so many possibilities.

InfiniteChicken Life has yet to give me an opportunity to make good on my “I could punch my way out the Vatican” boasts.

trypnotik I don’t do anything for love, but I’d do that.

morninggloria This isn’t a popular opinion to have in this politically correct reality we inhabit, but I believe that being Lady Gaga is a choice.

joeinverarity Thirty-some odd years experience of “existing,” and I’m still just OK at it.

mariannecanada My hair looks really nice today, which always happens the week before I reach Critical Mass levels of needing a haircut. Pray for me.

MrWordsWorth If I have learned anything from the cats, it is this: the stress of a long day is easily alleviated by noodging a cushion.

sgnp The best stall doors are the kind that fling themselves open when the person next to you slams theirs shut. #OppositeDay

WindsorGrace Why are there so many hamburger fonts?

SpaghettiJesus If everyone spent five minutes a day saying “I ain’t afraid of no ghost” in assorted redneck dialects, there would be no crime or poverty.

anneheathen My glass of wine brings all the fruit flies to the yard.

carlabare My icy hostility brings the boys to the yard.

MeganBoley I wish all the boys in the yard would bring me a milkshake.

rstevens First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they have sex with you. –Ghandi

misskubelik and you might say to yourself: “Hey, is there a picture of a Corgi dressed up as the USS Enterprise?” And the answer is “Corgiprise” & YES.

JesseThorn “Nope. Too classy.” – CEO of GoDaddy.com, at every meeting with every ad agency ever.

apelad General Mills’ Box Tops for Education is a money laundering scam. I’ve found no evidence to support this, but the search has been delicious.

JLYoungsma If you’re following me in hopes of deep reflective thoughts & inspirational quotes, you got the wrooong bitch.

lateandsoon Long-ass day. An ass should be firm or pert or voluptuous. ANYTHING but long.

himissjulie Natalie Dee’s “pleased to eat you” is appropriate to wear around children, right? Right?

BuenoBabyGirl I cannot hear my kids screaming at each other when I’m shaking my martini.

markleggett “Live nudes! All of our nudes are alive! Unless you mean emotionally, which in that case they’re all quite dead. But still very nude!”

Greeblemonkey Attempting dinner at home second night in a row. Hold me Martha Stewart, I’m goin’ in.

apodixis I’m a classy, sophisticated guy, so I spell it Herpès.

hotdogsladies Bad writing—like bad farts—often come out of anonymous assholes.

kfan Patchouli girl, my love for you is locally-sourced and mad sustainable.

johnmoe “Do you think being really funny is a more important trait than being a really good economist?” – the 10yo just now.

OurGoatRodeo Google Translator’s language’s “Detect Language” option should just be titled, “WTF to English.”

PolyesterPony Self editing. Like a grown up.

annakarenine buy a cat some fancy toys and he’ll end up playing with an old earplug 99% of the time.

magistratewu How I know I’m losing my hearing: I thought I heard my prof say that the United Nations resembles a giant titty bar.

rstevens The dog somehow hid a gooey rawhide bone up my shorts leg. I think I still like the dog.

telephase 2 y/o is doing some mansplainin’ to the wall in this restaurant. #thatsmyboy

simontarr Hell yeah! New LEGO catalog in the mail! I mean, my son will be very excited about this.

Dude_WaitWhat I want one of those LifeAlert things. I believe I should be able to use it when out of wine and too drunk to drive.

TweetsofOld A young man in our town ate, at one sitting, 5 1/2 feet of eel. We predict for him a brilliant future as an “eatist.” PA1879

ErinCerulean “It can seem a bit crazy that we humans don’t wise up a bit earlier in life. But if we smartened up sooner, we’d end up dumber.”

iasshole Mmm, wacky misunderstanding at work forced me to repeat the phrase “ASCII penis” four times. A good day.

ApocalypseHow A recent study says psychopaths use certain words more often than everyone else. For example, “Murder-tunity.”

lindseylu The decision to never have kids is really a gift to the world, so can you guys pick up the tab for my birth control?

hellnope Sent an email for the team huddle today. Realized just after hitting send I sent a team cuddle email. Today is gonna be adorable soon.

Bookish_Bitch Control top stockings are weird. I feel like a sausage from the waist down. A sexy, sexy sausage.

Bagyants When I scream “I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING” it’s always about leftover food and never about feelings.

Krud I am pro-noun.

ApocalypseHow There once was a man from Nantucket/Who prepped at Choate/And enjoys golfing. #VulcanLimericks

apelad The first a in Nevada is pronounced like the a in apple, unless you pronounce it opple.

sarahmcdallen Who you calling a hoecake, Paula Deen?

FakeeEtiquette It is polite to look for and point out time travelers in all historic photos.

joshjs Somewhere, Katie Holmes is asking Siri to buy Suri a Sari. Also, I apologize for that last sentence.

MrWordsWorth If I understand the plot of Anonymous, Shakespeare was a tweet thief.

joeinverarity HOW DID YOU DROP YOUR PHONE IN THE TOILET?! Oh wait. Don’t tell me. Are you on Twitter?

vhsTapes2 Today I will be hunting the worlds most dangerous game: Russian Roulette.

BridgetCallahan One of the major differences between me and a highly effective person is pants.

milonguera Pan flute. The spa industry’s musical overlord.

alwysabridesmd Just saw some old bitter people with a YES WE CAIN bumper sticker. WHAT IS IT LIKE TO HAVE NO SOUL.

mikeleffingwell Watching my wife and daughter napping peacefully just feet from my dog who’s aggressively licking his penis. Mixed emotions.

hateyouprobably Can someone fetch me a steak and also cook it and feed it to me?

ProfessorSnack I suppose the difference between bent and hell bent would be the shipping fees.

morninggloria All cat litter’s “fresh” scent smells the same, which defeats purpose of masking smell. Why not make a hickory bbq scented variety?

UnvirtuousAbbey Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, I’ve got two tickets to paradise.”

oldkimcole I’m starting “to” think some “of” you don’t really understand “the” proper use “of” quotation marks.

clarkekant Fuck the self-cleaning oven. I need a self-cleaning toilet.

LouisPeitzman I do NOT want to get a flu shot at Ralph’s. Well, maybe if it comes with a free sheet cake.

CorporateMonkey every year on my birthday I wonder if THIS is the year that I’ll finally get my superpowers.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – For Stefanie

21 Oct

I can’t thank you all enough for all the kind words of support and encouragement in the comments, and twitter, and via email. They have been a light in a dark time. I could feel you rooting for me and that has made such a difference. Some of your words have brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. Thank you.

This week’s post is a little shorter than usual, given my recent setback, but it was important for me to put this together because I’m starting to feel more functional again. Doing normal activities helps as long as I take breaks and try not to get overwhelmed. Another reason it was important for me to post is that tomorrow is my dear friend Stefanie’s birthday and I wanted to dedicated this week’s theme to her. Happy birthday, gorgeous lady. I look forward to celebrating many more.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

annakarenine swimming in a sea of yogurt and animosity. (the two aren’t related.)

iamsambee ‘Moustache rides’ are never really free, are they?

jillgengler Snoop Dog is the same age as me? Somehow I feel that much better about life.

InfiniteChicken The cat’s forehead was sort of stinky this morning. Ominous portent.

FAKEGRIMLOCK NOT ENOUGH COFFEE. EVERYONE ABOUT TO DIE.

steenyweeny this moment marks the first time in my life i’ve craved oatmeal. worried i’m dying.

redbull Beware of the #vegan zombie. He wants to eat your graaaain.

FannyOvrTeacups The direction of my fantasies veers dangerously off-course when I’ve been off carbs for too long. #poptarts

Patheticist I have the ability to see things very clearly a couple of years after they happen.

BridgetCallahan Carlos Santana didn’t DIE people, he’s just reunited with Castaneda and they are working on an album of Mozart guitar remixes.

bebehblog OMFG TODDLERS.

johnmoe “Gadhafi’s dead? Whoa. Wow. WOW. Where’s my guitar?” – Carlos Santana

annakarenine Today would have been a good day to watch Totoro and drink tea wrapped in a blanket.

johnmoe Wait, there was a radio friendly edit of Straight Outta Compton. Thanks, Spotify. You made my morning weird.

NerdSnark I put the “if” in “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”

TheWaltWhitman Me and this chocolate cake are gonna make some beautiful babies.

AlisonAgosti I don’t know, Boardwalk Empire. Are all of these tits historically accurate?

mrdavehill Dear all bands: Not everyone in the band has to have a beard. Start with the drummer and if you still suck, just add beards as needed.

 

notthatkendall I made that couch my bitch.

Toaster_Pastry I don’t classify myself as a “Hater,” only a “Disapprover.”

Patheticist I’ve seen your naked mind and it’s super sexy.

pnkrcklibrarian  My goal for 2012 is to spell “initials” “millennium” and “maintenance” without having to use spell check/google/etc. The bar is so low.

That_Biz  My kids are so polite to wait 3.5 seconds before grinding their pretzel sticks into my just vacuumed carpet.

johnmoe Ol’ Dirty Bunches of Oats #HipHopBreakfastCereal

joeinverarity This Broccoli Cheddar soup tastes like… SOUP! With broccoli, and cheese… most likely cheddar. Now I know what eternal life tastes like.

beardedarmenian Herman Cain: “Homosexuality is a personal choice, and I respect their choice.” What a guy. In return, I respect his choice to be black.

kellyoxford Jenna Jameson to Oprah: “There’s a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone.” I’m pretty sure she got that backwards.

ScrewyDecimal MC Hammer is going to open up a lot of doors for people. Next up is Vanilla Ice’s news reader: “Stop, Aggregate, and Listen.”

ohrebecca Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the guacamole prize.

the818 What did Lindsay Lohan do to her face, and why did she do it?

bookavore There is actually a book coming out called BREAD IS THE DEVIL. Feels weird, wanting to punch a book.

S_Lingenfelter Excerpt from my new children’s book: “If you give a tiger a monkey with herpes, he will probably ask for a glass of milk.”

thomastowell I’m chaperoning the high school dance this Friday. Gonna put my dog in the punch bowl, cause hey, someone’s got to Spike it.

joeinverarity Ooh, I broke 700 followers. Thank you, fake, fake world!

robdelaney Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

morninggloria I keep seeing “Gaddafi Dead” and thinking I see “Gandalf dead.” Spoiler alert, hobbits: he comes back in the next book as Muammar the White.

EmpressReeve Dreamed a long, boring church service was about to begin and Fred Astaire emerged from behind the bushes to entertain me!

leahlibrarian Does anyone else yell out “cntrl Z” when they want to undo something in life? #nerdalert

sgnp Going back down into the job hole. Remember me!

cbnickras I cling to “defriend” over “unfriend” because it’s closer to “delouse.” #facebook

coolteen420 i like my alcohol like i like my petulant white dudes: 53%

mommywantsvodka Just got an email for “half off at Chunky’s diner.” Let me tell you all the ways a restaurant shouldn’t be called “Chunky.”

apodixis By joking to my girlfriend I could go as a slutty nurse for Halloween I seem to have unwittingly set in motion a plan to make that happen.

JeffKlinger Hey anybody wanna RT one of my tweets? I forget what I write and wouldn’t mind reading it again.

slackmistress My husband @betheboy is leaving for 10 days. I’m going to miss us both on the couch with our laptops speaking to each other thru Twitter.

slackmistress Why doesn’t Def Jam make a line of artisan jellies?

SpaghettiJesus If you walk up to me in a shirt that zips & you don’t expect me to unzip it, you’re dumb. Even if you do expect me to unzip it, you’re dumb.

homeskooledkid “Must every scene you do end in a pistols’ duel at dawn?!?!” – What my writing teacher will say, probably.

Sigafoos @exlibris I know it regulates breathing and all, but the brain can be a prick sometimes.

ampersandwich My hair is doing its best impression of a diplodocus this morning.

TheNextMartha Hobby Lobby has seen lost and confused consumerism shoot up by 345% since the start of Pinterest.

MrWordsWorth Google Buzz is being shut down. But there’s still your Google powered vibrator, ladies.

mochamomma Just got some great advice from a friend: “Stress eating leads to stress pooping.” Probably still won’t stop me, though.

KeepingYouAwake We joke that, when we get old, we’ll all be yelling at kids to get off the grass. I plan to still be on the grass, even then.

DalaiLama I sent that bitch an inspirational message. Bitches love inspirational messages.

michaeljnelson I avoid any appointment where I have to be touched: dentist, haircut, doctor’s physical, tire rotation. I mean, the guy’s gentle but still.

UnicornFlavored When Z asks for more of her snack, I walk around & pick up all the ones she spilled on the floor & put em back in her bowl.

DesirreAndrews I still believe if Rosetta Stone offered a Star Trek and Tolkien language series it would sell more than routine languages.

wheelfreed  If i ever write a rags to riches rap song, there will be a lyric about moving from one section of Costco to another.

80sMomKara It is a little sad, and a little funny, to watch your husband wax the car with an old Duran Duran T-shirt featuring a Patrick Nagel nude.

TheNextMartha Martha Replacement Allegra-D is my lover.

apelad I’m giving a presentation in my son’s first grade class in a few minutes. I’m going to get into some deep, cerebral cartooning theories.

ericsiry The beautiful morning sunlight streaming into my home through the balcony doors is illuminating just how badly I need to dust.

jennspiller The news from Twitter: In the US today, everyone is exhausted, not sufficiently caffeinated, wants to go shopping, and needs pie.

freudiantypo ME: Stupidly, the past perfect tense uses the imperfect tense of the auxiliary verb! BF: Honey, I don’t understand calculus.

apodixis Boring people almost never know they’re boring. I don’t think I’m boring, so logically I MUST be a boring person. As this tweet makes clear.

byronblurb Quartz rock: “You’re telling me we’re alike but different in some ways?” Limestone rock: “My sediments exactly.”

ProfessorSnack @exlibris The tampon chooses the vagina.

InfiniteChicken Need a new dentist. Trying to choose between Guy Crushy’s House Of Teeth and Comfort Dental.

crunchyvtmommy *whispers to kids* sleep till five and everyone gets an iPad.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.