Tag Archives: Bat Country

Best of 2011: Bat Country

27 Dec

These are my favorite Bat Country posts from 2011.

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Thrift Store Gore: Christmas Special

24 Dec

 “I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake. AND ALONE.”

“Get me outta here, will ya? I have a sleigh to pull for Dick Chaney.”

“Just ate all the Sugarplum Fairies, LOL.”

“I think the baby Jesus is faaaaaaabulous!”

“Zorro made it himself!”

“You shouldn’t have bought those thigh-high boots and clown hat.”

“Yo quiero your soul.”

“Ho ho ho! Santa’s been naughty.”

“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A BUD LIGHT!”

Clip Show

25 Aug

Remember when I  insulted Diego for running an episode that was at least half flashbacks? To wit,

To which my twitter wife Kristin replied:

True that, lady. Unfortunately I must be a recent convert, because today’s post is the internet version of a clip show. Praise Xenu! Some time ago I was tagged by Little Big reader Shelby Stidham to participate by listing seven of my most notable posts according to their corresponding category.

Here we go!

Most Beautiful Post: This is why we had kids. Try not to cry when you see the photos.

Most Popular Post: My most popular post was about Library Apps, which was featured on Freshly Pressed. It also lead to my first snarky comment—the high price of fame!

Most Controversial: I don’t think I have any posts that qualify, but one time my husband compared me to Dr. Dre. Just thought I’d share.

My Most Helpful: Some may point to 100 Games to Play with Baby or one of  the tutorial posts, but who are we kidding? This post teaches your baby to read ancient hieroglyphics.

Surprise Success: Remember that time I insulted Pinboard and said bad things about their moms? And then they emailed me back and were all nice and then offered librarians free accounts? Yeah. That.

Not Enough Attention: I really feel like this post didn’t get the attention from the gangster community that it deserved.

Most Proud: The time I met Anthony Bourdain was pretty awesome. Spoiler Alert! I think I found my Christmas card photo.

Typically this is the part of the meme where you tag other people to participate, but I’m really bad at these things, plus I don’t know any Scientologists, so I’d like to invite anyone reading this to join in the fun. If you want to participate, I’d love to read it!

Little Big Links: Shapeshifters and Magicians

20 Jul

Before I get to all the link goodness, I need to tell you a story.

One day last week, I woke up and let Jupiter in after his long night of carousing through the neighborhood and murdering things. He wasn’t wearing his green collar. He was wearing a blue collar, the collar he had previously lost somewhere outside last March. Almost immediately after we made the decision for Jupiter to be an indoor-outdoor kitty he had last the fancy Etsy collar we gave him.

After Jupiter lost the blue collar, he became proficient in murdering small helpless animals, and decapitated lizards and fatally wounded birds started showing up on our doorstep in an alarming number. Anthony and I realized that for the sake of nature we needed to put a ring on it–or more specifically, we needed to give Jupiter a new collar that had a bell.

That day Jupiter wandered in the house as if nothing was wrong, as if he wasn’t wearing a collar that had just disappeared off the face of the Earth several months ago, new collar nowhere to be found. When Anthony woke up I told him I had a story for him, and I alerted him to the fact that our cat was most likely haunted That’s when I found out Anthony had a story for me.

The night before Anthony had been playing in the yard with Isobel while I took a shower and used the bathroom in peace. While they were playing, Jupiter appeared on the fence. He was mysteriously without collar. There was something in his mouth.

The blue collar.

Thoroughly confused, Anthony took the blue collar from Jupiter’s mouth and fastened it around his collarless neck.

WHAT.

The story only gets weirder. Two days ago I found the green collar. Jupiter had carefully placed it on our doormat. I mean, I’m guessing Jupiter put it there, since that’s where he leaves all the headless lizards for us.

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How the holy hell he came to be wearing this collar again after months and months of its disappearance baffled me. I mean, sure, this is the cat that eats paint chips, ran through the house with a turkey gizzard in his mouth at Thanksgiving, and takes a pacifier every now and then, but still. This is weird, even for him.

But how about some links, shall we?

First of all, the awesome collar Jupiter initially lost was Zorro’s, but we transferred it to Jupiter since it seemed to fit his personality better. Also you couldn’t see the awesome star with all Zorro’s fluff. You can find that collar here made by Etsy seller Miss Moustache. Her collars are all adorable and of impeccable quality and soon she’ll be offering engraving on their tags, too.

We ordered Poppy’s collar here from Etsy seller minihundpets. It is also of fantastic quality and the seller is super nice. I adore the strawberry print on Poppy’s collar! Unfortunately, Poppy hates the bell. I mean, she tolerates it better now that she’s worn it awhile, but my god that cat wanted to murder me when I first put it on her.

Last but never least is Zorro. He needed a new collar, too, since that whippersnapper Jupiter took off with his old one. I ordered this gorgeous sparkly turquoise collar from Etsy seller SecretCatLounge. Even though they are based in Australia the collar came very quickly, and packaged adorably, too.

The sparkles are very subtle, but they are there. Again, wonderful quality. I picked out this lime green bell for a dollar more and couldn’t be happier with how it looks on Zorro.

My Mom did his colors--he's a Spring!

Some other fun cat links:

Cats. Where they do not belong. (via @shinyinfo)

Crafting with Cat Hair. I used to joke about making a sweater out of Zorro fur. I was just a joke I swear.

A List of Non-toxic Houseplants. Also good to know if you have kids.

The Best Drift Cats. After porn, the internet was made for cat videos.

The Best Scratching Post Ever. I’m hoping I can convince Anthony we need this.

Legwarmers for Your Cat. You’ve already knitted a sweater out of cat fur. You may as well go all the way.

get it off get it off get it off

SEO for Gangsters

26 May

I’m not just a gangster. I’m a successful gangster.

Mother’s Day Bracelet Giveaway

10 May

 

Mother’s Day weekend didn’t work out at all how I planned. Friday I returned to work after getting really sick on Tuesday (aw, I just realized it’s my one week anniversary with this virus! special!) I had planned to see a friend’s band play that night, and even though I wasn’t feeling the greatest I still wanted to go. So we went. We had a good time but I could feel my fever returning and my voice leaving. We left early with regrets.

I woke up the next day and my voice sounded like I had been gargling glass. Sadly I realized I was going to have to cancel most of the weekend’s plans. I had really been looking forward to hanging out with Ellen & Laura and seeing Ellen’s sweet new baby and sniffing his little head until people looked at me awkwardly, but I wasn’t up to it and could no way justify bringing this virus in contact with a newborn. I was pretty bummed.

Anthony still wanted to make Mother’s Day special for me so he took me out for some thrifting and a Mother’s Day lunch. While out I managed to lock our keys in the trunk of the car. Happy Mother’s Day to meee! While waiting for the locksmith to come we tried to come up with ways of entertaining Isobel that did not involve letting her run around the dangerous parking lot like she so desperately wanted.

Thrifting obviously didn’t work out like I’d planned, but take a look at this amazing vintage clock I found. I will totally put this in the shop, just as soon as I quit finding attractive places to hang it in my own house. Ahem.

(Before I gave it a thorough cleaning)

 

We were famished after thrifting, but we knew Isobel had some energy to burn so we stopped by a park to let her burn off some energy before heading to lunch. Isobel had been quite content all morning, but as soon as we got to the restaurant she proceeded to throw the largest, most enthusiastic restaurant tantrum of her career.

Anthony and I ate in turns while the other tended to screamy baby. She was only happy sitting next to the fountain in the lobby. I ate my soup and salad alone and then let Antonyhave his turn. A well-meaning waitress tried to help, but the last thing Isobel wants mid-tantrum is a person she does not know making faces at her. It egged her on and she screamed NO NO NO right in the waitress’ face. That will teach her to be kind to babies!

The virus was returning with a vengeance at that point, so I tried to soothe Isobel as best I could but my voice sounded like Dr Claw. It was by turns a demonic rumble or ghostly whisper. Just imagine how soothing it would be to have Dr Claw rubbing your back saying, DON’T WORRY, HONEY. IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT. She screamed harder.

As soon as our entrees were ready we boxed them up and left.

 

Mother’s Day wasn’t a wash, though, because I did get to spend time with my family and there was some light napping (always a bonus). Anthony let me pick out some stuff from Etsy about a week before so it would come in time, and my favorite thing by far was this bracelet from BeadsByEvelyn.

I love this bracelet. I have super tiny wrists so I rarely buy bracelets because inevitably they are too big and it’s a huge disappointment. But I loved this bracelet and Etsy sellers can often customize things for you so I emailed Evelyn and explained that my wrists are about a full inch smaller than the smallest size listed on her chart. No problem, she said, she could fix that for me, and oh by the way, she offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee, so if I still didn’t like the fit after she adjusted it, I could send it back for a refund. Awesome.

 

It reminds me of a laurel wreath and I absolutely adore it. I’ve only been wearing it for a week now but I’ve gotten so many compliments on it. I need to have Anthony take a picture of me wearing it, but here’s the best I could do with my non-dominant hand holding my cell phone.

 

This bracelet fits me perfectly, and Evelyn is generously donating one of her gorgeous bracelets to a lucky Little Big reader! I’m super excited because this is my first giveaway ever that didn’t involve something I found at my house. (Although remember that time I gave away some monkeys? Good times.) 

To enter all you have to do is leave a comment below. Anyone who RTs this giveaway will be entered twice. A winner will be selected randomly and announced on Friday. Good luck and check out BeadsByEvelyn’s shop for more lovely goodies.

Spamalot

2 May

I missed the boat on providing you with the quality content of at least two spam filter posts. I didn’t realize they were auto-deleted after a set amount of time, so when a funny one would come in I’d just leave it in the filter while deleting the rest. I checked in this morning and found all new messages–the old ones Iv’e saved were long gone. This next batch is so awesome it more than makes up for it.

I love indignant spam comments. They are so self-righteous and full of themselves. It’s cute. Here they are, questioning the source of the article at hand, in this case, in a post about my daughter. I guess the source for this post would be my vagina.

I am excited your whole one friend is going to read me now. Verily excited!

BUMMER, DUDE.

Thanks! I’m well known for my vulgarizing. All throughout grade school my teachers would write on my report card, “Good student! Quite vulgar.”

This comment was left on the post wherein I lamented that we put a man on the moon but cannot design a reasonably affordable hands-free breast pump. I don’t know if the comment was inentional or just moment of seredipity, but it sounds like he wants to be a part of the solution.

And finally, this last one adds injury to insult:

First of all, it’s disgusting that spammers troll family blogs looking to profit on someone else’s struggle and pain. Secondly, it’s nowhere near Christmas. And thirdly, I definitely don’t want to know about this fertility method if it thinks that people everywhere are regularly turned on by the Christmas season.

The Saga of Jupe

9 Mar

I consider myself a cat lady. As someone who has lived with and among dozens of cats her entire life, I have a lot of experience with them. Growing up our house became the hub for any homeless stray in the area, and since we lived on the cusp of the suburbs and the country, near an auction yard where people used to dump their unwanted strays, we had plenty. Some of them stayed and lived with us, but many, many were spayed or neutered, vaccinated, and sent off to loving homes. In fact, we’ve given cats to three of our friends and we still love and visit Oscar, Loki, and Mochi to this day. All of this is to say, I have a vast amount of experience dealing with cats.

I have never met a cat like Jupiter. Do you see what he’s doing in the photos? He’s biting the light switch. Biting them. If you were standing outside my house at that moment, you would have seen my porch light flicker on and off schizophrenically. I have no idea what possesses him to do this. His appetite for destruction boarders on obsession.

We once had a cat named Spock (full name: Baby Mister Spock). He came from a cat colony around the corner. This colony was made up entirely of inbred cats, born of a brother and a sister that kept having babies together. As you’d imagine, Baby Mister Spock was extremely stupid.

He’d regularly meow while he was eating, so that round bits of kibble would roll out of his mouth and slide all over the floor. He liked to yawn, mid-meow, because he noticed his mouth was already open and it’d save him the trouble. He made goat-noises when happy. He’d fall asleep with his head in the food bowl, and upon waking up and realizing he was hungry, he would immediately start eating.

He was the dumbest cat I ever met, but he was funny and everybody loved him. Unlike Jupiter, Spock used his powers of stupidity for good.

When Peach and Tink were alive, we let them roam the kitchen counters because they were harmless. Sure, occasionally we’d catch them licking the butter if we left it uncovered, but that was our fault, really. Jupiter is so annoying we’ve had to enforce a strict no-cat policy on the counter and table, and to this day if Isobel sees one of the cats even looking at the table she enthusiastically shouts NO NO NO! We still have to squirt Jupiter in the face with the water bottle at least 25 times a day because, over a year later, he still jumps up on the counter and tries to eat your food while you are eating it every day.

Those of you out there who are not cat people, I can assure you that none of this falls within the realms of what you’d call normal cat behavior. Poppy and Zorro avoid the counter now, that’s for damn sure. Even my Mom, the cat whisperer, agrees he’s the most obnoxious cat in existence.   

Jupiter’s new hobby is jumping up on the desk, climbing atop the computer tower, and flinging himself at the bulletin board, knocking over the speakers, webcam, and monitor, my two picture frames as well as the bulletin board in the process. And I should mention the reason he’s doing this is to pull the pushpins from the bulletin board so he can bat them around and eat them. Yes, I have to prevent my cat from eating pushpins. He will try to do this over and over, no matter how many times we squirt him in the face with the water bottle.

Last weekend we’ve made the executive decision to transition Jupiter to being an outside cat. Previously, all our cats have been indoors, but I think it’s in the best interest of the household if Jupiter spends a bit more of his time outside. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe he’s not stupid so much as he is destructive (and possessed by the devil). He seems to be enjoying his forays outside and maybe it will drain his excess energy enough to become a normal cat.

So, This Happened

6 Dec

In the spirit of my Posts About Random, here are some random things that have happened lately.

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NOT IN THE MOOD FOR A LYNCHING

Anthony and I snuck out while the baby was with Grandma and watched the latest installment of Harry Potter. Before the show was a Glenn Beck commercial. This is how that went down:

Anthony: HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Me: Honey. Please. Be quiet. I really don’t want to be lynched today.

At least one other person was laughing, which made our day.

*******************

GODDAMMIT, JUPITER

While my Dad and I were trying to get the turkey in the oven on Thanksgiving, Jupiter jumped on the counter, stole the gizzard, and ran down the hall into Isobel’s bedroom.

He spent the rest of the day locked in the garage.

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ANTHONY WANTS TO PLAY D&D

Anthony: I really want to play D&D now.
Me: Okay. Sure. Fine by me.
Anthony: No, I mean right now.
Me: Uh. We’re in the car.
Anthony: You love garden gnomes, right? You could be a gnome!
Me: I don’t think they’re the same as D&D gnomes.
Anthony: We’ll make an exception. You can be a garden gnome. Suddenly, by the roses, you see Voldemort! What do you do?
Me: I attack him.
Anthony: With what?
Me: Tiny gnome axes. Like, a bunch of them. All garden gnomes have little axes. Or tiny hammers. I throw them at his shins.
Anthony: Okay, then what do you do?
Me: Um… I pull down my trousers to relieve myself?
Anthony: You’ve confused Voldemort! Your attack is successful!

*******************

Stardate: Christmas 2010

1 Dec

Anyone who’s familiar with this blog knows about my supreme and holy love for the Picard. In fact, according to Talladega Nights, everyone gets to choose their own version of the form Jesus takes, and my own personal Jesus is of the Sweet Baby Picard Jesus variety. Using the power of The Future (and some morphing software) I have created a mock-up of what the Sweet Baby Picard Jesus might look like. Behold his greatness!

So imagine my delight when I received this in the mail from my twitter pal Kristin:

An Old School Captain Picard ornament from Stardate: 1995.

No really, it says so on the box:

It also gives some other stats, such as his place of birth and his trademark saying. Which, HELLO HALLMARK, you already know those already if you’re in the market for a Picard ornament. It’s not as if some newb is going to come across this ornament while shopping for a Mother’s Day card, see the Picard’s famous words on the back and think, “I like this guy’s style! Hell, I’ve never had any desire to watch this show before, but this Hallmark Keepsake Ornament has converted me.”

In a decade or so this masterpiece is going to qualify as vintage.

My ornament fits right in on the D&D shelf. Look at how regal he is! How dashing! How handsome!

The Picard plate, given to me by my friend Brandon, looks on with approval. As do some dragons and bottles of Mt Dew.

I’m kind of in love with it. Don’t tell my husband.

Thank you Kristin. My nerd empire is complete.