Tag Archives: Friday

Follow Friday: Christmas Elf

16 Dec

Today’s Follow Friday is brought to you by Isobel’s $1.oo thrift store Santa dress. It’s the miniature version of the Christmas dress of my dreams, and since it just barely fits her this is probably the only time she will get to wear it. I’m trying to get as much mileage out of it as possible.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

rileyroxme Can’t wait for the day C.P.S shows up and they’re like “Twitter.” and I’m like “Hold on while I livetweet this blowjob.”

JulieFredericks Newt is having a surge. Gross.

suitcasetricks Email from my husband: “I love you and the Hamburger Helper I’m eating for breakfast.” This guy really knows how to talk to the ladies.

thejohnblog My boss is in the stall next to me. Is it brown nosing if I periodically say “Good one, boss?” Because OH GOD HE TAPPED MY FOOT

dadourianbow Get the fuck outta here you beanie wearing motherfucker. #MerryDissmas

MmeSurly Ruby just called the bad guy from Inspector Gadget “Dr. Claus” which explains why she’s been so nervous lately.

shariv67 I never thought I’d see a day when our phones were smarter than us, and yet here we are.

ProfessorSnack Crotchety: pertaining to the groin. “After a week of not bathing, he smelled crotchety.”

michellehudson Getting in a very sappy life-loving mood this morning. Must be the second cup of coffee.

eliza_evans Do not sign a professional email with ‘Hugs!’ Just don’t.

milonguera @MeganBoley I quoted The Jerk in a reply yesterday. And then favorited myself. Super winner.

neiltyson Suffering existential angst over a Pluto-less mnemonic? Try “My very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nachos”

MeganBoley And yet, I find myself quoting Anchorman in my inner dialogue multiple times a day. So I guess my inner dialogue is obnoxious.

Lilacmess @exlibris You can see Avery Brooks trying to keep that crazy tamed but sometimes he has to let it run free.

simontarr Having an allergic reaction to something. My eyes are so swollen I look like a UC Davis student.

sween Sometimes I see parents with their kids and I get jealous. [Sips beer. Plans leisure activities. Counts disposable income.] So jealous.

jberthume The Dew is required. I am doing it.

ProfessorSnack I just want to get toned enough that dogs want to hump my leg again. #NewYearsResolution

MmeSurly I think Gwyneth Paltrow and I have a lot in common. For instance: I think we both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.

AuntiPax Oh THAT was the deputy? Ok then I guess I shot him too. My bad.

MariaMelee The BBQ I had for lunch is haunting me in a profound way.

pnkrcklibrarian Aging, alternative hipsters apparently spend their nights stuffing balls and listening to a lecture on land tax in England from 1692 – 1963

MrWordsWorth Zombies celebrate the holidays with a Perducken: a person stuffed with a duck and a chicken.

shelldash Google Music is apparently offering me (ME!) “free Dave Matthews Band concerts”. Wondering if Bing Music might counter with “free earplugs”.

CandyWarhole You don’t know what you got ’til its diagnosed by a licensed physician.

theRratedBull When Texans ask me why I moved to Kansas I just tell ’em I’m a storm chaser because it’s the only reason they could possibly comprehend.

ecsuperhero I have the best work Secret Santa. So far I’ve gotten a wine glass and a McDonald’s g/c. Alcohol and fatty food? YOU COMPLETE ME, SANTA.

sgnp If you want to know how long a minute is, my daughter will be happy to ask you every single second of one.

badbanana My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

donni Tuneless whistling is about to be the #1 cause of murder-suicides on this bus.

slackmistress I don’t think I know who Ryan Gosling is which is probably a sign that my ladyparts are going to fall out.

sarcasmically …Is UPS not doing too well? Because the UPS man just rolled up to my house in a golf cart.

jenstatsky A lot of oddly-shaped presents get a bad wrap.

sarcasmically Just yelled “USE YOUR WORDS” at the whining dog, so it’s probably time I called it a day.

rstevens Warning to all who visit: My wifi is now called Invisible Touches

badbanana “I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don’t want a blue collar job.” – Everyone who eventually becomes a judge.

theleanover If reality was better we probably wouldn’t need pretend talking.

pilotbacon I only drink coffee so I can stare at a blank Final Draft document for longer than usual.

mikeleffingwell Super surprised to find out the most popular song played at orgies is “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”

johnmoe Still unclear whether the next debate will be hosted by Larry the wacky neighbor from Three’s Company or Jo from Facts of Life.

mylifeasadad I’m scraping Alela’s two day old butternut squash purée off my sweater because really, no one will ever know.

tommycm if today were a labrador, i’d have it humanely put down.

steenyweeny i’m named after an ancient sumerian god who used a giant spiked hockey stick to clobber the skulls of those who said ‘holy doodle’ too much.

sarcasmically When is “fuckton” going to be officially accepted as a unit of measurement? –because it is probably the one I use most.

ohnoCAPSLOCK Jack is having a growth spurt. I just leaked milk through a breast pad and three layers of shirts. #sexyandclassy

davepolak I am coming up with my strategic game plan to maximize the amount of ham I eat over the holidays.

sgnp Not a big fan of someone entering the restroom immediately after me and then choosing the stall next to mine, like we’re in a horrible race.

JRehling Like my desk wasn’t messy enough already, now it’s totally covered with Higgs Bosons.

InfiniteChicken You haven’t heard Christmas music until you’ve heard it in a lobby, transposed into augmented minors by a jazz combo.

RailbirdJ Worst Christmas gift? A dolphin t-shirt. Take a second to look at my avi. Do I look like a dolphin guy to you?

helgagrace It’s that time of year! People coming in to the library to find out their property values.

ajthizzle Ok. I need to do something productive. Butt, say goodbye to couch. No, don’t linger. It’s better this way.

MassageByTed In the way that protesters sometimes throw red paint on people in furs, I propose throwing some sort of ersatz jizz on guys in Tapout gear.

apodixis I don’t really want to go to Funkytown, to be honest.

BillCorbett I finally get it! “We built this city on rock-and-roll,” meaning they smothered and crushed rock-and-roll under huge buildings, killing it.

EvenMoreSarah Me to the dog: “Come here, little fellow.” My BF: “Did you just call the dog a dildo?” Oh sure, *I’m* the one who needs my ears cleaned

JerryThomas Klout “believes” that I am “influential about iPhone.” Do you hear that, iPhone? (give me a free iPhone)

CParkhurst1 I strongly suspect that after the fourth day of Christmas, someone started dropping hints that more bird gifts would not be appreciated.

MisterSnuggl3s I have to carb load before brushing my teeth. In case you were curious about what kind of athlete I am.

Patheticist You can unconditionally love children and animals, other adult humans must have a few conditions.

hipstermermaid Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before weed, forget how to rhyme.

MeganBoley Twitter, I never say goodnight to you. I always just doze off in mid-conversation like we are at a 5th grade sleepover. Goodnigdkendkjszzzzz

CanuckLibrarian Sometimes you just need a little Kool & the Gang.

kaitlin_olson My boobies are getting big. I want to say that makes up for not being able to drink, not sleeping well and often peeing my pants.

RothNotIRA “I love you dada. I love you couch.” Well, at least I’m on par with furniture.

corrinrenee Autocorrect just changed my name to Cotton Floater.

SpaghettiJesus EVERY KNIFE BEGINS WITH KAY. #HappyHolidays

theleanover If I was a Hispanic hair dresser I would name my salon “Jesus Dyed.”

NoReservations What Would Jesus Eat? Apparently pigeon.

muffpunch “Who’s this Ting Ting person and why is he in my CD player?” Oh, mom.

apelad Why is everyone so concerned about my eyesight? Every email I get begins with “having trouble viewing this message?” The answer is no!!

Greeblemonkey We’re working on more homemade Christmas presents tonight, which basically means I am covered head to toe with modpodge.

cheekyattitude Took a while, but I overcame my fear of butternut squash.. in its defense, it wasn’t really trying to maim me.

burnstand AWW YEAH! Dropping food flakes in to my brand new keyboard! This thing is gonna be disgusting before you can say “gluttony”!

notthatkendall In the massage train of life, I am on the wrong end.

mikeleffingwell There are no atheists in foxholes. All foxes are Hindu.

The_Pigeon Just did a 5K run. I put 5 thousand dollars in my pants & got outta there.

DachsundDays And I saw a gigantic evil badger on a throne with 13 chihuahuas at his feet, yipping the theme from The Omen . . .

NicLewis “The best part of waking up? No, you’ve got Folgers in your cup.” #HonestSlogans

SpaghettiJesus “The world runs on starch and animal fat” #honestslogans

ecareyo It’s almost like the E! channel specifically knows that I’ll dedicate many hours watching a countdown of the most notorious lady murderers

JohnFugelsang Mitt Romney is as genuine as a mass emailing from Phoenix University.

JerryThomas If you need anybody to lie utterly motionless on the couch for six hours tomorrow let me know.

CorporateMonkey “only way I’m dropping trou in front of that many people is if there are Quaaludes involved.” -actual convo occurring in my office right now

ncguk “We spent so long looking for the Higgs boson, and all the time it was in our hearts.” — Higgs Boson Christmas Special

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – O Christmas Tree

9 Dec

Last weekend Anthony and I got the Christmas tree up and Isobel and the cats formed a temporary alliance whose sole purpose was the destruction of Christmas. It was fun. I put the mini tree we used last year in the Pencil Room and Isobel reminds me first thing every morning that we need to turn on the tree. I also hung a large paper snowflake so the room has a very minimalist, yet very festive, vibe. We hung these vintage ornaments on the lower branches of the living room tree because they will stand up to all the love the cats and the kid can dish out. I found more while thrifting that I’ll add to the shop later. These are perfect if you have kids or pets, and they are lovely. My very favorite part of the tree, however, is the star at the top that my Aunt Trisha made just for me.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

MeganBoley @TristinaWright @exlibris the opposite of tacos is sadness.

LouisPeitzman If you’re not ashamed to admit you’re a Christian, Rick Perry, at least be ashamed to admit you fucking haaate homos.

FakeAPStylebook Please only run your “IF GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL, WHY IS IT COLD?” editorial cartoons if the temperature is below 52.

davepolak My new cats haven’t learned their proper names yet, but they respond when I call them little fuckers.

TristinaWright “Every village needs an idiot, and sadly some of them will have internet access.”

johnmoe Generally, it’s retired Oakland Raiders QBs. RT @IareRachael: Who the frick comes up with trending topics like #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

NicLewis Teetotaler. #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

inversejaik SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! DITCHDIGGER versus the DEFRIBULATOR! And SKUNKAPE! #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks


johnmoe GRAVE MOURNER #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

NicLewis Pearl S. Truck. #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

johnmoe CARE BEARER #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

NicLewis Shatnersaurus. #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

NicLewis Bilbo Bagginator. #BadNamesForMonsterTrucks

rstevens I was destined for greatness but I believe in free will.

steenyweeny dontcha wish your girlfriend was making potatoes like me…dontcha wish your girlfriend was wearing a seasonal apron like me…yeaaah boyeee

theleanover Most of my sex trade work is pro boner.

louisvirtel My version of winning the lottery is following a car with a “Baby on Board” sticker and finding out the driver is Jennifer Grey.

antigone_spit Whoever put this Kenny G Christmas album on is gonna get cut

LovesOfLife I’m about to tell you how running on a stomach full of pizza feels.

pistolval i gave myself a papercut on the eyelid today. #justthatgood

MassageByTed I will purchase any product that makes senior citizens rap or do the conga.

joeinverarity No thanks, I’ve had enough cheese. – not me

shinyinfo One day I’ll learn how to write organization tweets and blog posts without a million exclamation points. ONE DAY

samanthajcampen Speaking in Theo’s class about animal doctors and pet care. I think I’ll skip the part about anal glands.

rstevens Apparently “do the mashed potato” means something other than I thought and also there are laws against doing that with vegetables in public.

KeepingYouAwake “A self-unchecked is a self-wrecked.” – Some Asshole (2011)

rstevens Quantum Leper is a TV show about a time traveler who leaves parts of his body in different eras because the writers didn’t do their research

steenyweeny rt if the guy next to you on the bus looks like a baby eagle so you’ve named him birdley.

TheNextMartha I have a blog called “The Martha Project” with exactly ZERO craft posts on it. That’s called talent.

J__Swift I don’t remember what I ate for breakfast but I remember those bandaids that you opened with a string.

swamibooba Some people use “Lorem ipsum”, I use Beck’s “Loser”.

mzeld If lying on my back and putting a pillow over my face doesn’t solve all my problems, I’m out of ideas.

SFriedScientist Is it not true, Mr. The Frog, that thanks to affirmative action, it is, in fact, easier being green? #gopmuppethearings

iasshole Oh BOY bicyclist who just farmer-blew into the street hands-free, my panties just FLEW OFF here

ClevelandPoet and then I found a GIF of Hulk Hogan headbutting a Russian Flag and my day improved by +20

dino_dogan When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

EconTalker Love the paleo diet but sometimes have trouble getting the fire started rubbing the sticks together.

LadyLiberal Having “Parents of the Year” t-shirts made since it was our preshus snowflake KICKING THE BABY JESUS STATUE in the outdoor nativity this am.

johnmoe Jimi Hendrix offered an internship and mentoring program for those who answered no on his “are you experienced” question.

MrWordsWorth The feeling of Christmas is a little more gropey this year.

foulmouthsanta Omnipresent (n) Someone who buys you the same fucking thing every year.


JohnFugelsang it doesn’t count as pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

TheRedQueen Does Sal the Sanitation Bear’s parole officer know he is on NickJr? Seems like a violation to me. #pedobear

MrWordsWorth You will know you’ve mastered free jazz when it sounds like hate sex between Wookies.

MassageByTed My kids aren’t athletic, so I’m stuck picking fights at my daughter’s choir concerts.

johnmoe If this van is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’. If the van’s brakes are squealin’, hum More Than A Feelin’. #VanContingencies

BorowitzReport Gingrich says he would leave Afghanistan “only if it has cancer.”

Handflapper You guys! YOU GUYS! I just typed “ehll” and my phone autocorrected it to “hell.” AUTOCORRECT FINALLY GETS ME!

sgnp My moment of weakness has lasted almost forty years.

morninggloria I reject the idea of a sexy green M&M mascot because candy should not have genitals.

The_Samburglar Just heard two women discussing a dog’s outfit and how it could be hemmed if necessary. #priorities

shariv67 We’re decorating the tree with the kids today. But now that they’re teens it’s harder to find branches that will support their weight.

joeinverarity I can’t seem to keep food down no matter what I try. Best! Diet! Ever!

jessnevins Marvel, for $2 a year I’d produce a weekly Economist-style column on how current economic situations are affecting your fictional countries.

Athenabee Athena just did sad trombone noise in time out. I’m silently dying.

MetaKatea Nearly tossed banana peel out of car on way to work. Had weird “Mario Kart” moment of thinking it would cause a pile-up. Didn’t do it.

rstevens First thing I learned as a designer was that you can change the page numbers to anything you want. There is no reality.

bitchylibrarian New term for #nopants = #porkypigging. THINK ABOUT IT.

swonderful Alice: What’s that? Me: The onion skin. Alice: Onion SKIN? Is an onion a… a kid chicken?

readingsarah I tried to spell pinterest aloud during our YASF meeting today and failed, failed hard.

metalia My colorblind dad just sent me a text with a picture of the sunset, with the caption, “Amazing colors! …I think.”

mrpilkington I like it that @Shteyngart is a dog because that’s how I’ve read his novels: in a tiny yip noise followed by chewing on my testicles.

premmeridian The Swype keyboard on my phone keeps ignoring my ‘u’ in ‘honour.’ EXCUSE ME IT IS NOT “HONOR” I AM CANADIAUAUAUAN.

badbanana It’s taken me this long to realize “Eurozone Crisis” wasn’t referring to a woman’s underarm area.

ScrewyDecimal I lose socks like Herman Cain loses credibility.

Sondeera Judging from all the rainbows on avis, you folks need to get your Lucky Charms obsession under control.

crom74 Our microwave died. It died cooking two pot pies. It finished cooking them. It was a trooper.

mjbz104 I’ve only left my house for a total of 2.5hrs in the past 6 days. My arm is starting to curve like the dorsal fin of a dolphin in captivity.

emoryshatzer When a mammoth is eventually cloned I hope it’s taken to that yokel Bible museum with the words painted on its side, “How you like me now?”

tommycm btw am happy if any journos want to use my ‘cain and unable’ headline after the events of yesterday.

apodixis This is the first time I can say I spent Saturday evening pulling pork and actually mean it literally.

CorporateMonkey somehow managed to french braid my hair AT THE BAR. sounds like a +1 in the sober department

onenjen Now that my son is potty-trained, he’s traded diaper badonkadonk for perpetual plumber’s crack. #babypullyourpantsup

mikeleffingwell The dad in “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was dressed as Santa AFTER the kid was in bed = mom/dad were into freaky roleplay sex.

markleggett I’ll yell “GO CATS!” at any sporting event because I really, really like cats. #catsarenaturesmiracles #sportsarefuckingboring

TheBlackStar Leave it to Kingston to mosh to minimalist piano twinkle twinkle little star.

purple_quark It may be time to Febreeze the dog.

inversejaik At Big Lots: Low-battery Xmas toy reciting “Visit from St Nick;” sounds like “A Lt. Worf Christmas.”

Handflapper I just thanked myself for a retweet AND called myself “sweetie.” #winningattwitter

FakePewResearch 98.5% of cardigan owners will kill again.

jenstatsky Must be so confusing to be a bug flying around. One second, humans are clapping for them — the next, they’re dead.

wordsinmymouth Is there a way to take back drunk FB private messages? Asking for a friend.

willgoldstein My # of tweets/hr is both inversely correlated to the # of hours I sleep and directly correlated to the # of cups of coffee I drink.

FakeAPStylebook Considering the economic climate, have your gift guide include affordable items such as twigs, recyclable cans, and pretty good boxes.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Owl Apron

2 Dec

Last weekend some friends and I visited a craft fair and I splurged at bit (thank you, Etsy shop!) and bought a lovely green cowl and this child-sized owl apron for Isobel. I’ve been looking for an apron for her for a long time, and Isobel loves it. She likes to wear it around the house while carrying her various treasures around in the front pouch. Here she is helping me clean the kitchen. Such a good helper!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

jeff_ratfamily Even though no music is playing I’m doing my Mighty Mighty Bosstones dance in front of everyone & I invite you to do the same.

preschoolgems “I’m thankful for science, and mommy and daddy.”

TNG_S8 Picard is trapped inside a sentient turbolift. A clip show highlights the most memorable “Picard is trapped on a turbolift” moments.

rachel_nk my family’s review of pumpkin spice seltzer: it tastes like a yankee candle.

ProfessorSnack It appears that a cock ring isn’t part of the turkey preparation.

thejohnblog This turkey is making me sleepy. Seriously, he keeps going on and on about his shortcuts when he commutes to work.

girlwithatail My neighbors are outside nailing a turkey to a cross. They’re new to this country.

julieklausner Smurves.

steenyweeny instead of praying before you eat yell FINISH HIM and i promise your food will taste better every single goddamn time.

NASeason Remember when 4am was the time you came home, and not the time your baby made you get up for the day? Me neither.

heliumcell Happy Thanksgiving to EVERYONE!!! WooHoo!!! Happiness! Camaraderie! Thanking!!! YELLING!!! #PILLS #CAPSLOCK

MrWordsWorth The Macy’s Parade is an hour of entertainment stretched out over three hours.

YourAuntDiane Hard to keep the dozens of turkeys hiding from the Turkey Holocaust in the attic quiet. And none are writing in the diary I gave them.

louisck Happy Thanksgiving to all my followers who aren’t murderers. I wonder how many murderers follow me. Aw happy Tday to them too.

theleanover It’s weird how UC Davis added a question to their application asking how allergic you are to capsaicin and riot batons.

helgagrace Was just taken by a strong urge to clean all the things in the kitchen, but I managed to snap out of it!

TNG_S8 A virus that accesses genetic memory transforms Troi into a primeval warrior. Technically, Wesley still lives with his mom.

tehawesome Just had to stop myself from shouting “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” upon winning a free game in Lord of the Rings pinball.

steenyweeny does gravy ice cream cake count as dessert or an entree for this pot luck?

jess_mc You will have to pry this pie from my cold fat hands.

delrayser It’s like that Walking Dead scene of zombies devouring a horse, but replace the zombies w/Wal-Mart shoppers & the horse w/$2 waffle irons.

mommywantsvodka I wonder if Siri knows where my pants are.

BridgetCallahan Fact: On Black Friday 1997, thousands of people were murdered in their sleep by Tickle Me Elmo. #BlackFriday

batemanimation I’m at Starbucks this Black Friday. People are trampling each other to get an Everything With Cheese Bagel. Oh, the bagelity.

AntDeRosa Everybody relax, they’re putting together a Superdupercommittee

notthatkendall “If being married doesn’t mean I can make you watch Home Alone repeatedly then I don’t understand what we’re doing here”

Alena29 I just uploaded a photo on FB that shows what it look like when you’re carrying an actual baby and a food baby…at the same time.

tehawesome That first trip to the bathroom after Thanksgiving is like a religious experience. And by that I mean an exorcism.

pourmecoffee Got some incredibly cheap bundled mortgages at the Goldman Sachs doorbuster sale.

wordlust Mmm…turgluten.

tehawesome The secret behind my mom’s excellent Thanksgiving butter is that she adds just a hint of mashed potatoes.

MeganBoley Thankful for a growing family and elastic pants.

MrsFridayNext Twitter, if I said just how thankful I am for you, people who don’t use twitter would look at me REAL funny. They don’t understand our love.

FarrenSquare What is Cyber Monday? Guilt-free-cyber-sex Day, I assume.

johnmoe The Kiss Army seemed too heavy so I signed up for the Kiss National Guard. I like them one weekend a month.

himissjulie Under my breath, as I try to figure out how to staple a booklet for a child: “I have master’s degree…I have a master’s degree…!”

mat Poopin’

hereslizz When helping my girl play dress up I need to teach her the fine line between well accessorized and bag lady.

crunchyvtmommy I always look on the bright side but damnit I wanted to buy that creepy elf and terrorize my husband.

bebehblog We got our Christmas tree! Hunted & killed it ourselves, like good Americans.

SwEtMrciflCrap Me to FIL: “I got Uncle Joe a Fidora”
“Dora, who’s Dora?”
“No, a hat-I got Uncle Joe a hat.”
“He’s allergic to cats!”
Tonight should be fun.

stegasp I have yet another Thanksgiving dinner with family today. If anyone needs me I will have retreated to a dark corner of my brain.

badbanana You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving weekend when your watch doesn’t fit anymore.

HeathRobots Either my belly button is bleeding, or I really let things get out of control with the cranberry sauce.

wordsinmymouth And just introduced my dad to honey badger. It was a magical father/daughter moment.

mylifeasadad Completing the Star Wars trilogy tonight with the kids. Trying to convince Des that Ewoks are not doggies.

MrWordsWorth This is the time of year when I start to question some of the endorsement deals Santa made.

timcarvell I wish Etsy were a physical store, just so I could see people punching each other on Black Friday over crocheted Ramones shirts for birds.

Angel__Bee “ran out of pants” is not a phrase I like to hear from Allie’s teachers upon picking her up from daycare.

ramisalame If Snoop Dogg told me his hobby was sculpting, I’d be like “Fo’ chisel?” and we’d high-five and laugh endlessly.

ecsuperhero My coworkers just acted appalled at me eating cookie dough straight from the tub. I thought they knew me.

InfiniteChicken I’m always getting the Wayans and the Mayans confused; which ones did the blood sacrifices?

theleanover I gave up on aphorisms; now I write affordisms. This one is only 10 cents if you act now.

EugeniaMorpho Most people are embarassed by the porn in their browser history. I am embarassed by google seaches like “lyrics Paula Abdul Rush Rush”.

InfiniteChicken @theleanover Lucky. I’ve only had sloppy, random sex in an art gallery bathroom. (Thomas Kinkade retrospective—hard to NOT get horny.)

FakePewResearch People talking to themselves on the bus this morning: 35% Have a phone; 62% Don’t have a phone; 3% Undecided.

SteveHuff A dude with a steam shovel for a hand is destroying my neighbor’s car. #CyborgMonday

cbnickras Googling “record store cat” yields a hit for “Records Store Cat Jobs” at simplyhired. Yes, I will take that job please.

muffpunch The phones are down at work. It’s a Cyber Monday miracle!

smileydooby Ever have one of those days where you think maybe those really WERE the droids you were looking for?

muffpunch Waiting for my boyfriend to log on to AIM for Cyber Monday.

stray Dear world: stop using the prefix “cyber” until we actually have Internet-enabled brain implants (a la “Ghost in the Shell”).

joeinverarity GET BABY JESUS OUT OF YOUR UNDERWEAR! — me, right now.

mikeleffingwell If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around… free tree!!!

louisvirtel Yes, I have weak gay limbs, but please don’t mock my Masculine Dystrophy.

wordlust I see Paris, I see France… Man, this LSD is top-notch.

johnmoe “Potatoes, I suppose.” #FirstDraftStateMottoes

MmeSurly Me: What sort of books are you gonna get at the library?
Henry: BOY books. Me: What are those about? Henry: Girls.

johnmoe I honestly didn’t expect Twitter to last this long. It’s like Kajagoogoo coming out with their 20th album and it’s actually pretty good.

MrWordsWorth Got out the boxes of Christmas decorations. There is no going back now.

theleanover Nude Gingrich. #NailedIt

chickenscottpie Homework from my piano teacher: “Get drunk tomorrow night and practice this.”

MassageByTed In light of the evidence, I’m forced to conclude that, at some point, my testicles were much, much larger than they are now.

jberthume I am more angry about my Doritos Double XP Call of Duty code having already been used than a grown man ought to be, I suppose.

Patheticist Sometimes I feel below average then I click on a trending topic and ALAKAZAM! I’m a comparative genius.

Patheticist Radio Shack is the most literal name of any store.

mikeleffingwell No one ever talks about what an asshole Toddler Jesus was.

slackmistress Can I call in fat to work? Asking for myself.

LovesOfLife Maybe, just maybe that 9pm coffee was a bad idea.

JRehling If you’re planning your Christmas shopping, I’d like some new golf clubs and total power over the dead.

paulverhoeven The movie ‘The Ring’ should be renamed ‘Renember that one time, when I hugged that corpse in a disused well for nothing?’.

MariaMelee My effing PMS is like something out of Neverending Story. ARTAAAAXXXXXXXXXX.

cryanathus It’s the best thing ever when your farts sound like you are unzipping a suitcase.

cryanathus My patronus is a honey badger.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Just Like Kiki

4 Nov

Isobel was very excited about her Halloween costume. She got to wear a black dress (just like Kiki!). She got to wear a big red bow (just like Kiki!). And she got a broom, a radio, and a black cat named Jiji (just like Kiki!). Even now, a few days after the fact, she insists on carrying her “Kiki radio” with her everywhere.

Today’s Follow Friday is dedicated to my favorite witch.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

TwoAdults Toddlers slept until 8am. Ponies for everyone!

morninggloria Break up the dirt in preparation for spring planting. #ThatsWhatHoesDo

MrWordsWorth New from Quaker, Zooey Deschanel Quirk cereal. You put it in a little shoe & hide from it in your closet. Part of an outrageous breakfast.

MadMonk56 Chris Matthews on The View. So this is hell?

Sondeera Nothing says “delights of parenthood” quite like a pocketfull of waffles.

Schmoodles I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. – White. – Good condition. – Reliable. – Cheap. – Some evidence of rear end damage.

Krud Tomorrow is Avoidance Awareness Day. Be sure to not mark it on your calendar.

sbellelauren you should be able to eat more things on sticks like, pizzacicles! fried chickencicles! i was gonna say pussycicles but its too early.

Smethanie If you’ve ever contemplated buying a new fridge because the box it comes in makes a super awesome fort, we could totally be friends.

willgoldstein How excellent would it be of @BarackObama joined the #Movember movement? He’d look badass in a handlebar mustache.

eliza_evans I am old. When I saw Demi and Wilmer was trending, I figured Demi Moore was working her way through the cast of That 70s Show.

PolyesterPony I am never more American than when I’ve eaten so many chocolate chip cookies that I want to barf. Think on THAT a while, commies.

senorwinces Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

iasshole Today’s band name: Butt Kegels.

willgoldstein Fuck it. I’m making brownies.

markleggett Are women only going to gyms so they can one day rise up against men and crush us all between their rock-hard thighs? I hope so.

thejohnblog Herman Cain? Sexual Harassment? If you didn’t immediately picture a pizza box with a hole cut in the bottom, then you’re a liar.

wordsinmymouth Sometimes there just isn’t enough pee to put out all the fires.

slackmistress Going by what it selects as my “Top Stories,” Facebook needs to invade my privacy more.

sarcasmically One year at Christmas my gramps couldn’t buy a tree so we decorated the ’82 Chevy Blazer sittin’ on blocks in the yard. A+++ would do again.

jess_mc My entire facebook feed is pictures of people’s children dressed up for Halloween. I’ve crossed some Rubicon of old here.

MassageByTed Also, “The Sound of 50,000 Deflating Boners” is the title of my National Novel Writing Month project.

HeathRobots Halloween needs to be over now. My blood sugar is what a physician might call ridiculously jacked up. Skittles. Taste the Diabetes.

ProfessorSnack Remind me to tell my kids about the elves who come by Halloween night and eat candy so they have energy to finish all of Santa’s toys. Burp.

mrpilkington I’m trying to find a realistic sweater option for the cat, you know, so he’ll hate me even more.


sbellelauren if you really want your costume to be sexy then just take the whole damn thing off.

heyrenees Best costume I saw today: a dude dressed as a banana swinging in a hammock.

muffpunch The most unfunny three minutes of my day are the three minutes of Jay Leno my DVR picks up before Jimmy Fallon.

adamisacson Tonight my daughter and her friend uttered four words that have never crossed my lips non-ironically: “I have enough candy.”

alotofnothing Do Canadians celebrate Halloween with the rest of us or did they have it in September?

FamilySizedFun if these kids don’t pass out in less than 10 minutes it will be the scariest thing this Halloween!

ElizabethBanks I totally rocked my “overtired working mom” costume. Complete with spit-up on shirt and a nap. And somehow, I still made it slutty.

allisonthemeep Serious question: At what point did Val Kilmer go from being really attractive to having a head the size of the Death Star? Like, the 90s?

notbrandoncrane Just saw a bird explode. It was like a pillow fight gone horribly horribly wrong.

heyrenees I just got to third with the buffet at the Four Seasons.

drgrist I’m going to give my whole bag of candy to the richest looking kid I see & trust that he’ll trickle it down to the other kids.

TheBloggess Halloween is when the veil between the living & the dead is at its thinnest. And that’s why I can’t take a shower.

ProfessorSnack I drink Wild Cherry Pepsi instead of Cherry Coke because I like the idea that Pepsi gave the cherries a sporting chance before killing them.

Sigafoos “I need a stool softener. It’s for my mother in law.” So that’s how my day’s going.

MeganBoley If melting Halloween candy into morning coffee is wrong, then I am super duper wrong.

shariv67 White suburbanites giving out healthy Halloween treats, I hope your house is pelted with only the finest organic eggs.

turtlesby In the hallowed tradition of treating one’s neighbors, today I throw open the shades and walk the walk, if you get my weening.

UnicornFlavored Can we all just agree to eat candy all day? If we scale up together, it’s like it never happened.

alwysabridesmd The best thing about being an office drone on Halloween is guessing who wore a costume and who is just bad at dressing themselves.

EvenMoreSarah Ew. Way too Monday outside.

PinkPeonies I just rubbed my forehead and dried couscous from dinner fell off. How did I not notice that earlier? #winning

joshjs We just saw a double rainbow. I feel like tweeting this is compulsory.

rstevens I wish that when I said that we got ten inches last night that I was being saucy.

bebehblog I am uploading all the party pics to Facebook, including some really unflattering ones of myself. Because I am a giver.

theleanover Fuck Apple. I just duct taped my Zune to my Nokia. Boom!

danforthfrance Bartender dressed as The Fifth Element showed me her Multi-Pass. #halloween

morninggloria I’m trying to make “two monocles” happen. It’s a very decadent look.

sucittaM People didn’t smile in photographs from the 1800’s mostly because the taco pizza hadn’t been invented yet.

johnmoe “A Frankenstein who plays guitar? Ghost who plays guitar? Sexy guitar-playing Zombie Qaddafi?” – Carlos Santana considers his options

AmberTozer Oh sorry, I thought you were a real donkey. Your costume is amazing. I’ll get off your back & stop screaming “IT’S JUST YOU AND ME DONKEY”

LouisPeitzman Number of propositions received following “I’m slutty” tweet: -3.

Brotherwags Don’t freak out, but “Super-Dad” is doing his laundry right next to me as I tweet this. #humblebrag

morninggloria Rick Perry will continue to participate in debates. Ill continue pointing out that Rick Perry kind of looks like the Grinch.

geekandahalf I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight so I can wake up tomorrow and then take an epic nap. #planningahead

chickenscottpie Please forgive my earlier angry traffic tweeting. I murdered everybody, and now it’s all better.

louisvirtel The worst Evanescence video has got to be the Twilight series.

rstevens All I can think of is all the poor samovars of coffee going cold in the power outage before getting the chance to be turned into pee.

shinyinfo I shudder to think of the inside of those Holosuites. #DS9

NoReservations “What do you provide your audience?” asks immigration guy. “Dick jokes,” I reply.

babybabylemon Spencer calls his helmet his danger hat.

TwoAdults Me, Ezra and Iris are at the Starbucks drive-thru in our jammies. Long live civilization!

sarahbartlett Time to feed this kid: scrambled eggs. I am so creative it hurts!

BridgetCallahan Also completely sincere: our biggest contribution to any visiting alien culture is going to be coffee.

Mama_Mash Never put your child to bed with a talking stuffed animal. Dear My Pal Scout, you just made me crap my pants.

wordsinmymouth I’m thinking of calling this zit Monique & adding her to my dependents for tax purposes.

heyrenees I’ve been asking Siri dirty questions all afternoon and giggling.

TheNextMartha If extreme couponers ran government, we’d have zero debt PLUS all get a refund.

mariannecanada Feeling pretty cute until my mom asked if I was wearing a skort.

wordlust There should be some kind of adult Halloween where they hand out antidepressants and health insurance.

ecsuperhero I totally just offered Shane sexual favors in exchange for him telling the kids’ babysitter that I am not coming to her Tupperware party.

OhLookBirdies Victorians were posers. Hundreds walked around with those ear trumpets, but only a few of them could play it.

oodja I Know What You Did Last Summer, Charlie Brown ##RejectedPeanutsSpecials

BridgetCallahan Good Grief Charlie Brown, Why Won’t You Use a Condom? #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

johnmoe I’m Rejecting Your Peanuts Special, Charlie Brown #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

AnaGasteyer Snoopy Gets Fixed #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

BridgetCallahan It’s Not the Great Pumpkin, It’s that Homeless Migrant Pumpkin Picker Again Charlie Brown #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

Lord_Voldemort7 You’re a horcrux, Charlie Brown. #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

NicLewis It’s a Class Action Suit Against Minoxidil, Charlie Brown. #RejectedPeanutsSpecials

TheBloggess I’m not telling you that I don’t want to eat your brains just to lull you into a false sense of security. I’m just generally not hungry.

muffpunch Mom: Want to go to dinner with us? Me: Well, it’s game 7. Mom: Is that some kind of internet thing? I don’t know what that is. Me: Yes.

funtrees Patron: “Can you tell me like, where your books are on, like, Buddhism, and like, enlightenment?” Dear, you’re going to need more than that.

helgagrace These Jeopardy contestants obviously don’t have patrons asking them for Selena all the time.

JLYoungsma What man doesn’t like to come home to his wife in big brown furry robe? I am your personal Snuffaluffagus.

babybabylemon I bought a bag of Doritos so I would stop eating Halloween candy. #logicfail

MassageByTed You probably don’t even know that your favorite thing about being childless is not having to convince someone else to eat food.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Fall-Like Photos

28 Oct

Nature has finally decided to act fall-like around here, which means cooler temperatures and windy days. I’m celebrating by posting my favorite fall-like photos.

This weekend we’re celebrating Halloween by driving down south so that my husband and a few of my friends can leap over hot coals, wear viking hats, and drink beer. Should be good times.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple stepsfurther.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

adamisacson Weird to think my cats don’t know my name. To them, I’m probably “Guy Who Gave Us Tuna From the Can That Time in 2007.” (They know years.)

Handflapper I just got up and already I need a nap. I must not be doing this life thing right.

NicLewis If you’re smart, you’ll have a car waiting. If you’re brilliant, you’ll have a jet pack waiting. #StepsToSurviveAHorrorMovie

notthatkendall Processing invoices while watching Rachel Zoe means I type things like “super-gigantic” and someone should come run me over with their car

LOLGOP Since 1980, the top 1%’s balls have grown by over 1,000%.

NicLewis You only get to say, “It’s over,” if you’ve detonated a neutron bomb in the killer’s colon. #StepsToSurviveAHorrorMovie

jberthume Was just picked up from a rural airport by someone in an RV. I think I saw this on Breaking Bad once.

badbanana I’m guessing the worldwide average is about one great idea per every 2.7 million Moleskine notebooks.

TNG_S8 The prime directive is completely ignored when Picard really wants to ride a Centaur. Geordie sleeps through the whole episode by accident.

J__Swift If you have a kitten do not eat the kitten. Pet the kitten, also, cuddle the kitten. DO NOT EAT KITTEN.

MariaMelee Every time I start to catch a cold I secretly wish it’ll make me sound like Jessica Rabbit.

freudiantypo Autocorrect just turned “doable” into “spanked” in my last text.


MmeSurly “Siri, where is the nearest bakery?”
“Are you sure? Those pants look like they’ve shrunk a bit in the dryer.”

misskubelik The mom calling her kid PEAPOD is freaking me out. She’s not saying it nickname-y. OH GOD, WHAT IF THE KID IS REALLY NAMED PEAPOD? #library

ameliastier There’s nothing worse than chipping your nail polish on the first day. Except maybe AIDS and world hunger I guess.

TheDweck Netflix is really in a downward spiral. If Netflix were a person, it would be eating pizza and watching Netflix all day.

abbeyrenee “I figured out why I’m so weird. I’m from the fourth dimensional.” #stuffJiminsays

PolyesterPony This home printer is needier than my ex.

TheTweetOfGod Seize the day. Arrest it. Throw it in jail. That’ll teach it for having so many possibilities.

InfiniteChicken Life has yet to give me an opportunity to make good on my “I could punch my way out the Vatican” boasts.

trypnotik I don’t do anything for love, but I’d do that.

morninggloria This isn’t a popular opinion to have in this politically correct reality we inhabit, but I believe that being Lady Gaga is a choice.

joeinverarity Thirty-some odd years experience of “existing,” and I’m still just OK at it.

mariannecanada My hair looks really nice today, which always happens the week before I reach Critical Mass levels of needing a haircut. Pray for me.

MrWordsWorth If I have learned anything from the cats, it is this: the stress of a long day is easily alleviated by noodging a cushion.

sgnp The best stall doors are the kind that fling themselves open when the person next to you slams theirs shut. #OppositeDay

WindsorGrace Why are there so many hamburger fonts?

SpaghettiJesus If everyone spent five minutes a day saying “I ain’t afraid of no ghost” in assorted redneck dialects, there would be no crime or poverty.

anneheathen My glass of wine brings all the fruit flies to the yard.

carlabare My icy hostility brings the boys to the yard.

MeganBoley I wish all the boys in the yard would bring me a milkshake.

rstevens First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they have sex with you. –Ghandi

misskubelik and you might say to yourself: “Hey, is there a picture of a Corgi dressed up as the USS Enterprise?” And the answer is “Corgiprise” & YES.

JesseThorn “Nope. Too classy.” – CEO of GoDaddy.com, at every meeting with every ad agency ever.

apelad General Mills’ Box Tops for Education is a money laundering scam. I’ve found no evidence to support this, but the search has been delicious.

JLYoungsma If you’re following me in hopes of deep reflective thoughts & inspirational quotes, you got the wrooong bitch.

lateandsoon Long-ass day. An ass should be firm or pert or voluptuous. ANYTHING but long.

himissjulie Natalie Dee’s “pleased to eat you” is appropriate to wear around children, right? Right?

BuenoBabyGirl I cannot hear my kids screaming at each other when I’m shaking my martini.

markleggett “Live nudes! All of our nudes are alive! Unless you mean emotionally, which in that case they’re all quite dead. But still very nude!”

Greeblemonkey Attempting dinner at home second night in a row. Hold me Martha Stewart, I’m goin’ in.

apodixis I’m a classy, sophisticated guy, so I spell it Herpès.

hotdogsladies Bad writing—like bad farts—often come out of anonymous assholes.

kfan Patchouli girl, my love for you is locally-sourced and mad sustainable.

johnmoe “Do you think being really funny is a more important trait than being a really good economist?” – the 10yo just now.

OurGoatRodeo Google Translator’s language’s “Detect Language” option should just be titled, “WTF to English.”

PolyesterPony Self editing. Like a grown up.

annakarenine buy a cat some fancy toys and he’ll end up playing with an old earplug 99% of the time.

magistratewu How I know I’m losing my hearing: I thought I heard my prof say that the United Nations resembles a giant titty bar.

rstevens The dog somehow hid a gooey rawhide bone up my shorts leg. I think I still like the dog.

telephase 2 y/o is doing some mansplainin’ to the wall in this restaurant. #thatsmyboy

simontarr Hell yeah! New LEGO catalog in the mail! I mean, my son will be very excited about this.

Dude_WaitWhat I want one of those LifeAlert things. I believe I should be able to use it when out of wine and too drunk to drive.

TweetsofOld A young man in our town ate, at one sitting, 5 1/2 feet of eel. We predict for him a brilliant future as an “eatist.” PA1879

ErinCerulean “It can seem a bit crazy that we humans don’t wise up a bit earlier in life. But if we smartened up sooner, we’d end up dumber.”

iasshole Mmm, wacky misunderstanding at work forced me to repeat the phrase “ASCII penis” four times. A good day.

ApocalypseHow A recent study says psychopaths use certain words more often than everyone else. For example, “Murder-tunity.”

lindseylu The decision to never have kids is really a gift to the world, so can you guys pick up the tab for my birth control?

hellnope Sent an email for the team huddle today. Realized just after hitting send I sent a team cuddle email. Today is gonna be adorable soon.

Bookish_Bitch Control top stockings are weird. I feel like a sausage from the waist down. A sexy, sexy sausage.

Bagyants When I scream “I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING” it’s always about leftover food and never about feelings.

Krud I am pro-noun.

ApocalypseHow There once was a man from Nantucket/Who prepped at Choate/And enjoys golfing. #VulcanLimericks

apelad The first a in Nevada is pronounced like the a in apple, unless you pronounce it opple.

sarahmcdallen Who you calling a hoecake, Paula Deen?

FakeeEtiquette It is polite to look for and point out time travelers in all historic photos.

joshjs Somewhere, Katie Holmes is asking Siri to buy Suri a Sari. Also, I apologize for that last sentence.

MrWordsWorth If I understand the plot of Anonymous, Shakespeare was a tweet thief.

joeinverarity HOW DID YOU DROP YOUR PHONE IN THE TOILET?! Oh wait. Don’t tell me. Are you on Twitter?

vhsTapes2 Today I will be hunting the worlds most dangerous game: Russian Roulette.

BridgetCallahan One of the major differences between me and a highly effective person is pants.

milonguera Pan flute. The spa industry’s musical overlord.

alwysabridesmd Just saw some old bitter people with a YES WE CAIN bumper sticker. WHAT IS IT LIKE TO HAVE NO SOUL.

mikeleffingwell Watching my wife and daughter napping peacefully just feet from my dog who’s aggressively licking his penis. Mixed emotions.

hateyouprobably Can someone fetch me a steak and also cook it and feed it to me?

ProfessorSnack I suppose the difference between bent and hell bent would be the shipping fees.

morninggloria All cat litter’s “fresh” scent smells the same, which defeats purpose of masking smell. Why not make a hickory bbq scented variety?

UnvirtuousAbbey Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, I’ve got two tickets to paradise.”

oldkimcole I’m starting “to” think some “of” you don’t really understand “the” proper use “of” quotation marks.

clarkekant Fuck the self-cleaning oven. I need a self-cleaning toilet.

LouisPeitzman I do NOT want to get a flu shot at Ralph’s. Well, maybe if it comes with a free sheet cake.

CorporateMonkey every year on my birthday I wonder if THIS is the year that I’ll finally get my superpowers.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Snuggle Time

14 Oct

It’s my birthday Sunday and I’m going to be celebrating it by crossing off a rather large item of my Life List. I’m very excited for a woman of my advanced age. Anthony and I will be kicking off our adventure by waking up at four in the freaking morning tomorrow, a sentence I can’t even type without involuntarily shaking my head no no no no.

I keep my camera close at hand, and one of my favorite parts of staying home with the baby is capturing heart-meltingly adorable moments like the photo above where she’s tucking in her baby deer. Her blanket, pillow, pillowcase, and even the beloved baby deer are all thrift store scores.

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

running_home In Mockingjay they say kissing someone who’s drunk doesn’t count. That seriously cuts my list down.

crom74 Would it be wrong to Rick Roll our patrons by placing an OverDrive sticker on the main library Webpage that does not link to eBooks…?

rstevens My top Coffee Hack is the machete I use to keep people from taking my coffee.

thejohnblog I don’t know why people are attacking Cain’s 999 plan. Less than ten bucks for a Godfather’s pizza sounds like a deal to me.

SarahPaIinUSA Wait a minute, you guys really thought I was going to run for President?

yellowcardigan This ordinary mom learned the number one trick to whiten her belly mortgage! Click here to find out!!!!!

shariv67 Barking up the wrong tree lands me in the psych ward every time.

TheeBuddha Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people’s skin.

LouisPeitzman For me, attraction is 95% morbid curiosity.

opinionbastard There’s a homeless guy with Tourette’s who screams obscenities and nonsense near my building. He’d be an amazing GOP candidate.

FakeeEtiquette If you find yourself caught in reply-all spiral, it is polite to suggest everyone begin using the “reply none” button.

DrewDernavich First we lost the war on drugs, now we’re also losing the war on Kardashians.

TwoAdults I might go Old School Single Me and just eat a tube of cooked crescent rolls for dinner.

vhsTapes2 I assume “Holy Cow!” is a Hindu term.

just_immi I wish *my* house was that serene and tidy. But having the kids is better

Athenabee There is a 6lb newborn mere feet from me. My boobs can’t handle it.

RobinMcCauley My doctor said I have to stop drinking caffeine or I will die but it’s okay I’ve had a good run.

BtotheD Adam Sandler plays his own sister in a movie and he didn’t title it “Happy Gilmore Girls?” Missed opportunity, Sandman.

schmutzie I fell over twice while getting dressed. Is this because a) I am clumsy, b) a cat tripped me, or c) I need to eat more cookies?

MrWordsWorth Two words: clean laundry.

rstevens Morning drinking game: As long as it’s morning or could become morning again in the future, take a drink of coffee.

adiopink Son’s doc, noticing my recent limp: “You’ve got quite a hitch in your giddyup there.” #medicaljargon

MmeSurly Let’s go mountain biking in Africa! Let’s hike in Iran! Let’s rent a summer chalet in Mordor! STOP IT, YUPPIES.

LIFECOACHERS Be all that you can zombie.

happyhomeblog dear twitter: like i said about snooki, there’s no amount of promotion that will make me follow mitt romney. sorry.

steenyweeny i literally just taught someone what spell check is. how is this even possible. shall i euthanize myself or them?

MightyQuinn72 I asked the TSA agent fondling me if he could tell I’ve been working out.

hotdogsladies “It’s baby jaguars all the way down.” —Diego ‘Go!’ Márquez (Astrophysicist & Animal Rescue Prodigy)

WindsorGrace Rain and clouds make everything more magical in Autumn.

notthatkendall If time travel is ever invented, my first move would be to go back to the moment before WebMD is invented just to punch that guy in the face.

TheNextMartha So what have I learned from 14 years of marriage? We can each play a mean game of chicken when it’s time to mow the lawn.

JohnRossBowie Last night, I sneezed so hard my mouthguard flew out. Ladies, I am a married man, control yourselves.

plasticanimal Steam Warmed Winter Woolens #RejectedYankeeCandle

charmanderp Summer Outhouse #RejectedYankeeCandle

recyclenazi Hot dog water. #RejectedYankeeCandle

triston33480Wet Balls #rejectedyankeecandle

YWGSourpuss Dingleberry Bliss #RejectedYankeeCandle

down0 Packing Peanut #RejectedYankeeCandle

NicLewis Lost-and-Found Lingerie. #RejectedYankeeCandle

lateandsoon This is disgraceful. I’m a drunkard. It says so on my passport. Wait—this isn’t my passport; it’s a sock.

apelad I hope whichever internet browser I move on to next has tabs everywhere. Everywhere tabbing is the future.

lateandsoon  This ice cream cake will counteract the scotch. I just know it will. No hangovers for this jerk–OW! OW, OW! BRAIN FREEZE.

JerryThomas This is either really bad peanut butter or really good hummus.

MmeSurly “More avocado” is my whatever-the-opposite-of-safe-word-is.

ruthbrarian I think I’m going with “Apprentice librarian / Mistress of Serials” as my tagline for now. Yes, I am both.

drewtoothpaste Happy Thanksgiving, Canada! Today, your imperialist holiday coincides with ours, Columbus Day. Take the day to oppress indigenous people!

thegrumbles i forgot that i adjusted my desk chair and just slide face-first into my monitor. #officelife

ordermeanother @thegrumbles I think technically it is legal to punch someone for wearing a Creed Album shirt.

juliewbee Ha, ha. The clown drove away with his little clown wife in a van with a license place that read REDNOSE. #noimnotdrunk

sawilson2 @exlibris If loving my label maker is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

EvenMoreSarah I saw a toddler in skinny jeans today. I feel diapers and skinny jeans should be mutually exclusive.

MrsFreestyle This weekend my party-animal neighbors are blasting “Can’t Touch This” …music hits me, so hard.

jess_mc Apparently street musicians mixing Sublime and Patti Smith can expect money from me.

TheRedQueen I really feel like I am part of the longest running episode of punked ever at work. This people can’t be real.

louisvirtel “Dry humor” is just bitchiness slowed down.

timcarvell OK, this is weird. The CEO of Netflix is now just standing under my window, holding up a boom box playing “In Your Eyes”.

lauracope is it cheaper to rent a booth in a recording studio if you’re not actually recording? i just need a soundproof room, suitable for screaming.

LPCookbook Hey so my iPhone automatically capitalizes KEGGER. Thank you Bill Gates!

papersquared The day I’m come up with the perfect thing for @exlibris’ #FollowFriday will probably be the day Twitter folds and only my cat will hear it.

ProfessorSnack Columbus Day tweets are a few days early because you don’t chart new territory by staying with the crowd.

Bookish_Bitch Pretty sure I just pulled a boob muscle sneezing. I’m just gonna go to bed.

apodixis I hope when I die people tell jokes and laugh about me at my funeral. I also hope the jokes are about how incredibly awesome I was.

NASeason When the baby naps I sometimes get so paralyzed by all the things I could be doing that I just sit on the couch and read tweets.

WeirdHorse Just slipped on a worm and fell head first into some mud. Sipping mud, depressed

Mike_FTW Steve Jobs had an incredible life. You should have one too.

pattonoswalt RIP Steve Jobs. Closest thing we had to Tony Stark.

jenifersf I’ve decided to have a party! Who wants to host it?

milonguera Joaquin talking to himself “Behold! The biggest rock in Africa!” “That’s not the biggest rock” Arguing with himself since everyone is gone.

muffpunch The same people surprised to learn Sarah Palin isn’t running for president will be crushed when they find out there’s no Santa.

ScrewyDecimal It appears that I’ve forgotten how to speak “teen.” I knew this day would come, and honestly, it’s almost a relief.

rustymk2 Just made a fake female profile on Christian Mingle for ‘Bea Elsie Bubbs’ so I could cast out the infidels on their site.

jenifersf My new cocktail creation is awesome. You take a sip and for several seconds you have no idea what just happened.

luckyshirt If Lil Jon and Lil Wayne had a baby, it would be Lil Jon Wayne The Abomination Born Of Two Men And That’s Not Even How Baby Names Work.

Berlinswhimsy My marketing textbook could be sold as a sleeping aid.

thejohnblog I keep forgetting to delete this “Do You Have Alzheimer’s?” quiz my mom emailed me.


theRratedBull It’s so hard to overcome stupidity. But I challenge you to keep trying.

LPCookbook You can do it! I do not feel like exercising tonight. I feel like sitting on the couch and stuffing my face with pizza. QUICK SOMEONE ENABLE ME.

shinyinfo I mashed the chickpeas after the cooking process was over. They are lovely. I love chickpeas so much I can’t even… *tear*

shariv67 I’m the Rumpelstiltskin of spinning 30 minutes of work into full 8 hours.

_Monocle_ The Deficit. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

Sigafoos You know, when I was younger I missed a lot of homosexuality in Mercedes Lackey books. What’s the opposite of gaydar? I have that.

jenstatsky Every day, millions of babies are forced to run laps b/c a celebrity told InTouch she lost the baby weight by just chasing her kids around.

SpaghettiJesus I can’t stop singing, “Tonight there’s gonna be a flank steak”. This is my punishment for mentioning Thin Lizzy in a tweet.

sarcasmically Apparently moms in pentagram shirts are not welcome in this neighborhood. #oops

CanuckLibrarian Drying Zeus off, he rolls to side: “don’t forget my belly!” Dog, your belly is not wet.

theleanover Install me as your benevolent dictator and it’ll be sandwiches and beer for all!

SweetDeeeeee TV in general is terrible for the most part. It’s like watching millions of years of evolution collapse in 30 minute segments.

"Mama, take a picture of me and my Zorro."

EvenMoreSarah guess that’s Pepto Bismol spilled on the stairs at work, but it looks like someone’s been murderin’ Care Bears up in here.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Grocery Store

7 Oct

Here I am, taking photos of my kid in the grocery store. Again. Enjoy!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

rstevens The glass can be half-full, but my battery will always be half-empty.

keli_h oh, nothing … just sitting here eating cold leftover rotisserie chicken out of a baggie.

lovegrrbottle So we thought the giant metal contraption left in our garage was a large composter, but turns out it’s a large bingo wheel. We win?

thegrumbles model home toilets DO work. #tipoftheday

theleanover Prof just walked by and looked at my screen: Twitter, Favstar, Night Court. I’m now out of the B range.

allisonthemeep Audrey is saying, “meow” and pointing at the computer. Time for some serious kitty video watching on youtube, you guys.

trumpetcake My hand puppet doesn’t take requests, it only sings “Moon River” at the top of its lungs. Everyone in this Bloodmobile is loving it!

Athenabee Autocorrect correct just made me sign an email message as Mafia Brocus 😡

lovegrrbottle @Cre8BeautyDaily @milonguera there was the time I taught my little brother to say “I wanna be a stripper!” when he grew up.

MeganBoley Goals: pay bills. Procure Chipotle. #aimhigh

EvenMoreSarah Apple introduced a new phone. If you like Apple, you may be interested. If you don’t, you may not be. There. That’s a whole day of tweets.

ProfessorSnack Like the premium cable companies, I will start offering new tweet content on a limited basis every 1 1/2 years. We’re between seasons now.

MrWordsWorth That bag of Doritos was the second best lover I ever had.

steenyweeny why is my eyeball quivering? what does it know that my brain does not?

GoonSquadSarah If a bowl of Count Chocula has 10% the recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C, then I need to eat 10 bowls of it. Right?

hotdogsladies My benchmarks say iPhone 4 is now getting “accidentally dropped on the sidewalk” 46% more often than previous things we don’t tell our wife.

MassageByTed A lot of people in the Midwest seem to think that it’s possible to dress up a sweatshirt.

johnmoe Little known fact: Chris Christie’s full name is Christopher Chris Christo Topher Kristofferson Christie Kristi Vicki Barcelona.

adiopink The only time the front doorbell rings is when someone is selling something. I should probably take the insincere “Welcome” plaque down.

slackmistress I love when @betheboy & I tag-team dinner. (By that I mean we individually have sex with our dinner.)

PlumeriaSprite @exlibris You need a black widow killing Helper Roomba.

maggiesox I am so very glad we didn’t watch Dexter during dinner.

mermaidpants Someone in the library is singing “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King.”

80sMomKara Hipsters: Now you pretend to not care how silly you look. When you get to be my age, you won’t care for real.

ProfessorSnack According to Twitter, “The” appears to be the most popular first name given to babies for the last couple of decades.

Angel__Bee Nothing says professionalism like finding peanut butter in your work bag.

real_danimal Some days it is Difficult. You may find it hard to Do Things. Here is a slogan you may want to repeat: Proceed As If Not Doomed.

bitchylibrarian I just found chocolate on my forehead. So THAT’S where that went.

eihposa Peggy Bundy is my spirit animal

OngoingBS Rappers are soft. I wish I only had 99 problems.

BillCorbett If you love someone, set them free! (“Them” = all those other people you kidnapped and imprisoned, annoying your loved one.) #grammar #Sting

lindseylu Was eaten by mosquitoes the other night so I guess they’re my boyfriend now.

markleggett Where do burps go? Heaven?

badbanana I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle.

killorn Of all the things you can say about @courtneystodden, “master of alliteration” is probably the most surprising.

MmeSurly I just pulled way too many muscles to ever be considered young again.

theleanover Went to three art galleries today. Symphony tonight. Just in case you need a reason to beat me up, jocks.

LPCookbook Help I am in Urban Outfitters

Squirreljustice Thinking about moving back to NC and opening a chain of consignment stores called “Play It Again Jorts.”

jonniker If Dexter ruins my crush on Mos Def, I’m going to be PISSED. He’s one of my most sacred longtime fake boyfriends.

Lilacmess Got to hear a 4 yr old sing Flo Rida today at the shooting range. That’s pretty high on the Reno Scale.

theleanover Installed rabbit ears on my mom’s TV. The only channel we get shows football so now I’m being forced into manhood.

UnicornFlavored I like to not look a twitter for 5 hours and then reply to all your old tweets.

shinyinfo Is there cleaning staff on the Enterprise or is there just an army of roombas?

FlyteAphrodite The Time Traveler’s Wife movie has stuff in it I forgot from when I read the book. Apparently there’s a character that travels through time.

ClevelandPoet Not only did I talk to my shoelaces as they came untied but what I said was “are you serious bro?” #wwwyki

bitchylibrarian I just put my hoodie on backwards. It’s going to be that kind of day.

beingthefunmama Anytime I see or hear “Istanbul,” I must sing “Not Constantinople.”

dejah_thoris I think my jeans are finally baggy enough to start that #nerdcore rap career I’ve been threatening to get into.

ecsuperhero I wasn’t sore after running six miles, but after scrubbing the kitchen floor, I can hardly walk. Housework is dumb.

anneheathen Just picked up no fewer than 14 dog toys from the living room. We have 2 dogs. This is what DINKs do.

UnicornFlavored My kid suddenly doesn’t like pizza? I’d send her back, but she’s a lot bigger than she was when she came out.

allisonthemeep “I believe children are the future.” – Whitney Houston. WRONG! It’s robots.

BugginWord OH: Irish fairies are jerks-always kidnapping babies and stuff. Stay away from those woodland creeps. #ILoveBookStores

TheRedQueen Groupon just offered me 82% off a pearl necklace. Slow down, Groupon, you are moving a little fast.

EvenMoreSarah I want a week alone in a hotel room with no obligations outside of drinking and getting my hair highlighted.

Angel__Bee Apparently not one, but two people were brought to my blog through the search “baby hamsters.”

Lilacmess I’m going to write a memoir about my experience here. I’ll call it: “My Life as a PhD Student: Fear, Doubt, Uncertainty, and Syfy TV.”

stevelibrarian Knuffle Bunny #fridayreads

lauracope LOL like nobody’s watching. thanks for making my Friday, dudebrah on the Coupa patio.

crunchyvtmommy I’m giving this baby my phone and spacing out for the next 18 months.

jenstatsky Every rose has its thorn. Every office has its Sheila.

TheRedQueen If I ever figure out who is the one letting their dogs bark all night I will find a way to pipe the sound of my kid screaming in their house.

milonguera A not quite 4 year old’s version of a fire drill is super awesome. Half telling you what to do and lots of THERE WAS NO REAL FIRE soothing.

Mama_Mash So, my husband’s first Klout perk…was a denim trucker hat. WOW.

pistolval Driving by the high school always reminds me to start saving for boarding school.

willradik The world around us exists because some atoms want to give an electron and some want to take it. That’s right. Atoms are doin’ it. #science

helgagrace I love Past Anna. She put M&Ms in my drawer for just this sort of moment.

mat Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I find myself wishing commenters had to enter a home address to register so I could bring them cookies

sgnp I imagine Heck is a broken-down amusement park version of Hell. Pretty empty, nothing really works. The Darned shuffle lazily, bored.

notthatkendall The fact that working from home and streaming Netflix have grown in popularity at about the same time can’t be a coincidence.

LisaMcIntire Free campaign idea: send cantaloupes to any candidate or elected official railing against food safety laws.

Athenabee I want to put shock collars on the neighbours that leave their dogs out to bark 20 hours a day. Not the dogs, the actual neighbours.

FlyteAphrodite The question, folks, is whether or not I can locate a building that’s on the same street as my own home.

colsonwhitehead It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Nothing good comes easy, people.

mikeleffingwell For my audition, I will be doing a monologue from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: “Meow! Fuck that’s hot! My paw pads! A tin roof? A TIN roof?!”

whithonea I can’t believe my kids want to eat AGAIN. They just had breakfast 5 hours ago.

EmperorNorton Sincere conservatives, broadminded centrists, and thoughtful progressives made this country great. The #teaparty wants to undo that.

elliemce Thanks for holding the door open for me, but I’ve been practicing opening doors for months, so this is kinda supposed to be my moment.

jerryrenek Every generation gets the nip slip it deserves.

slackmistress If you can’t beat ’em, create a master race of tiny robots to destroy them.

MassageByTed Employees must wash hands before fist-bumping.

Greeblemonkey Working on a school project with Dex, where he has to build a model of a building. He chose – wait for it – The Muppet Theater.

WindsorGrace My mom just said her dog is the Jackie Kennedy of dogs.

steenyweeny trying to clean the kitchen from my bed is challenging but i’m pretty sure i can do it.

LouisPeitzman The fact that I’m watching Halloween: Resurrection means that Tyra Banks has already won.

shinyinfo I hope Obama somehow incorporates “Bringing back Arrested Development” into his 2012 campaign.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Giant Yard Sale

30 Sep

Once a year my parents’ neighbors hold a giant yard sale. Their house sits on two lots and their entire front lawn takes up one of them. They divide the lawn into plots and people rent spots and set up shop. I always find great things, and this was the sale where we found those vintage books I was telling you about. Although I didn’t buy what is shown in the first three photos (though I would have loved to take it all home except for the mirror), I did buy the succulent and the gorgeous silver scroll work dish. Honestly, I really wish I would have bought Dragon Dominoes for the cover art alone.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

jenifersf I just thought to myself, boy, I need a drink. Realized I was 3/4 of the way through a beer.

johnmoe All Sportscenters and TV news sports casts should begin “Just a reminder, none of this matters. Not really. Now, on to numbers and videos!”

sgnp Back when I got fired by that dominatrix she said I could let the door hit me in the ass on the way out, for old time’s sake.

MeganBoley Sometimes I hear “no naps for you!” in my head. In soup nazi voice.

misskubelik my all time favorite is the 7 year old who asked for BOOGIE NIGHTS. Turns out he meant BOOGIE *K*NIGHTS. Slight difference.

danforthfrance I’ve had a lot of coffee. Allow me to strip to the waist and I’ll wrestle that giant octopus and save your seaside village.

sarcasmically I’d like to tell you I haven’t spent an hour pasting Burt Reynolds’ face onto Jesus’ body, but I don’t want BurtJesus to hear me tell a lie.

badbanana Just completed a wildly successful first test of my new robot intern at work. At least three dead.

mat I’ve gotten zero spam @ messages since signing up with laterspam.org, which is actually kind of disappointing. I want to play. iPad? Viagra?

jillsmo I had some red stuff between my toes and I thought it was blood. It was jello.

FakePewResearch 100% of lasers are FUCKING AWESOME.

hotdogsladies Guys, explaining a joke is like telling Hannibal why to bring lots of peanuts to Carthage—either you get it or you’re already on Wikipedia.

RailbirdJ Klout thinks I’m influential about John Boehner. I bet its from all those orange erection jokes.

UnicornFlavored I can’t tell if I just saw Ricki Lake’s nip, or if it was an optical illusion.

maggiesox I should not watch Ron Paul before I go to bed. I should not watch Ron Paul before I go to bed. I should not…oh, fuck it.

johnmoe The Playboy Club show is bound to appeal to men. If there’s one thing men love about Playboy, it’s clothed women talking about stuff.

markleggett I’ve been stressed before, but never “infomercial mom” stressed.

InfiniteChicken Take the name of the street you grew up on + your gross income/withholding = your HR Block name.

tommycm Is there such a verb as ‘to verb’?

jberthume Nooooooo I hafta get a shot nooooooo. Wait, actually, that’s probably best and fastest. Oh man, now I’m a grown-up noooooooo.

ColinPeters Puberty is the time in your life when you become extra greasy so you can slip out of your parents’ grasp.

JimGaffigan “How old is your baby?” is the “How about this weather?” of parenting.

antigone_spit Irony is the “Stress Management and Relaxation Training” online class being the most difficult and frustrating class of ever.

MassageByTed Up next on “Today”: cockblocking. What is it, who’s doing it, and how can you protect your children?

MmeSurly Indianapolis Police: “We will not say how they died, but we are looking for a shooter or shooters.” I love mysteries!

ebertchicago “If you go home with someone and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” — John Waters

sarcasmically Adults who buy a hot dog combo lunch and eat it alone in the Target snack café should get a free pity hug with purchase.

TheSuniverse My hair looks like Hagrid’s today. Fucking humidity.

sween When my wife’s away, I make poor dietary choices. I ate a bowl of Lego this morning.

MrWordsWorth ‘Some side effects are swollen earlobes and a sexual attraction to the letter Q.’ – rejected drug ad copy

FlyteAphrodite My horoscope says I’m on edge but still appear calm. It also says I will be admired if I don’t hide my feelings. *runs in circles screaming*

MoistPork I’m thinking of starting an all-female moped gang. We’ll call ourselves the sCooters.

Its_Death Nevermind is 20 years old. Remember, how the Beatles seemed old back in 1991? They broke up 21 years before. You’ve become your parents.

SpaghettiJesus With my next tweet and my previous tweet, I came to the realization that I’m the Tosh.0 of slightly educated people.

WowItsStephen I’m calling tomorrow “FUNday” b/c I have a perky, upbeat personality!! I’m calling Tuesday the day I finally murder myself.

JillMorris My body is always sending me mixed signals about whether it wants to be alive.

hereslizz When you realize the irony of trying to find an online class for Interpersonal Communication? That.

marklegget tBefore criticising a man, walk a mile in his Crocs.

MmeSurly Every piece of popcorn chicken is unique, like a beautiful meat snowflake.

neiltyson Just saw “Moneyball” — The power of mathematics over tradition & superstition. Should probably be renamed “Mathball.”

shinyinfo Do you know who isn’t a Merry Man? Worf. Worf is not a Merry Man.

bebehblog I’ve been really hungry for a couple of hours, but too lazy to get off the couch. I AM A DIETING GENIUS.

slackmistress I hate unpacking with such a white-hot fury that you’d think it killed my grandma.

CanuckLibrarian Reading tweets that there are too many plot lines in a tv show on now. I guess there’s a reason those types watch tv instead of read.

80sMomKara I swear that we just got ‘fat free, sugar free’ ice cream. What the hell is it made with? Is it liquified packing peanuts? Soylent Green?

EvenMoreSarah I kind of wish the people at Dunkin had accidentally given me a donut instead of this dumb wheat bagel I asked for.

louisvirtel Happy birthday to Will Smith. Hope he’s spending some quality time with his wife and kids’ money.

luckyshirt I spilled Head and Shoulders on my feet, and now I don’t know which half of my body to cover with pants.

NicLewis Just saw a Target employee as nerdy as me hit on a coworker out of his league. Star Trek tells me this won’t end well for either redshirt.

MmeSurly I just made French toast with apple cider and pumpkin pie spice, so if y’all need me I’ll be marrying myself and maybe doing sex to myself.

thecorbettkid *someone* refused a nap at the appropriate nap time & is now melting down into a puddle of tears & snot. fyi: it’s not me. could be. but no.

ruthakers I want all my online passwords to try on swimsuits in the harsh light of a dressing room. We’ll see how secure they are then.

Whereismyrobot Trapped in the Closet still holds up.

WhyIsDaddyCryin I love finding a FB wall post with a lot of comments on it an adding my own that says “cats are soft”

notthatkendall I like it when Klout sends me “Important Updates,” and I get to remember just how ridiculous everything is.

lovegrrbottle Taking a video of Sonora starting to crawl and got video-bombed by the dog humping her toy in the background. :/

bookishbella The “It’s official: facebook will start charging” meme is going again. Somebody’s kid needs to tell them how the internet works.

stevetweeters I hope I don’t sound too dramatic but I accidentally poked myself in the eye and it hurts just like natural childbirth.

apelad Whenever I play a race car video game I try to cause the biggest crash possible as I cross the finish line.

susanorlean Someone actually did move my cheese.

ohrebecca Yayyuuuuuyyyyyyyyayyayyyayyuauuyyauu vodka!

TheRedQueen Listening to “Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta” while I clean the kitchen. I am fairly confident I am this songs demographic.

nick_hubert Ikea was busy. I only managed 2 fights but won both of them. I bought a highchair.

rstevens Googled “search engines” and now I can see forever.

theneener OH at the Labs: When did you eat? Is it safe for me to throw you up in the air?

geekandahalf Shout out to the person who flaked on going out tonight. I’mma drink at home for free and watch Project Runway. #winning

EvenMoreSarah I’m talking to myself in my dog’s imaginary voice so I should probably be sent home.

sarahbartlett I’ve officially wasted 15 minutes on an email about watermelon. #isitMonday

MarinkaNYC I don’t understand people who talk to me while I’m obviously tweeting. It’s like they were raised in a WiFi-less barn.

Mike_FTW When you put that uniform on you are a US soldier. You aren’t a gay soldier. You aren’t a straight soldier. And you deserve our respect.

PopCulLibrn So Spouse just set up an XBox Live account for the 9yo; it randomly gave him the username WagglyDuchess13. He’s scarred for life.

thejohnblog It’s probably not a good idea to have Santorum standing next to the Google logo. #tweetthepress

danforthfrance I don’t believe in Hell, but for Santorum I’ll make an exception. #tweetthepress

Cheeseboy22 Fun stat: Even when I wear my Hammer pants, I am still the most normal person in Rite Aid 100% of the time.


LastMomOnEarth Kurt google searched for my blog by typing, “Last Mom On Earth Amanda Kurt sexy piece of husband” so that I would see it in my stats.

TheProvArchive My x-ray report finishes off with ‘The rest of the foot is unremarkable.’ …I still love you, foot. No matter what they say.

johnmoe “I like their later stuff. After they sold out. When they played big arenas and teenagers liked them.” – Hipster hipster

jillsmo Do you ever feel like you spend every waking moment constantly in motion? And if that’s so, why am I not thinner than this?

mommywantsvodka Pretty sure I inadvertently mooned my neighbors. Not sure I’m unhappy about that.

badbanana Here’s how you end any meeting early. Just approve everything and walk out. Works even if you have no authority.

heyrenees I’m reading these match.com profiles and I have two thoughts. 1. Men, there are other writers besides Palahniuk. 2. Dying alone seems fine.

iasshole Attempts at deep feminist readings of The Magic Treehouse are being met with confusion and indifference.

palinodeWhy didn’t they rename “The Hills Have Eyes 2” as “The Hills Have 2 Eyes”? Because duh.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – iPhone Photos

23 Sep

It’s been awhile since I used iPhone photos in a Follow Friday. I know how easy it is to just default to capturing everything on a camera that slips into your pocket, which is why I make the effort to keep my big camera fully charged and easily accessible. Locked and loaded, as it were. But the great thing about using the iPhone camera is not the actual camera itself (I’m still rockin’ and ancient–by Apple standards–3G version) but the spontaneity of the images themselves. This is what we were doing in the moment, without posing or planning or adjusting the light. For better or for worse.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

mommywantsvodka Missed Connection. Me: 31-year old with slightly kicky hair. You: My motivation.

MelissaLynnette There is a gif of Nancy Grace shaking her tits on @jezebel and now I need new eyes.

helgagrace Have been known to use “Butternuts!” as a mild curse.

ampersandwich Oh, Netflix. I like Meatballs, so you suggest Weird Science, Spaceballs, and… The Civil War by Ken Burns? Really?

KeepingYouAwake My phone just autocorrected “totes magoats” to “Totes maggots”. In other news, don’t judge me. That’s a hilarious phrase.

Qwikster I just got scared I went into the shower turned on the water n then stuff started falling I was lik omg wtf lol

badbanana I was prepared to suspend disbelief when I rented Thor, but come on. Admitted to a hospital without insurance?

heyrenees Trust me, bores of the world, no one cares where the hell you’ve checked in. We’ll BARELY care when you’ve checked out.

EvenMoreSarah Oh Michael Vick got injured in a football game? This is me, not feeling bad.

InfiniteChicken I want to burn all the good will my business once commanded. If only there were some model on how to do that effectively.

alyankovic I don’t need washboard abs. I’ve got front-loading Energy Star-compliant abs.

MagpieLibrarian If yr library coworkers insist on celebrating TalkLikeaPirateDay it is perfectly acceptable 2 keelhaul them under the library’s bookmobile.

joeinverarity Did anybody else notice Larry King has slowly transformed into a man-size Praying Mantis?

MightyHunter My phone doesn’t seem to be connecting to any of my social media outlets. A smart person would take this as a sign to get to work.

burnstand “Trust me, I know the difference between foamy and frothy, and your mother’s vagina is definitely foamy.”

jillsmo This headache that I’ve had for 4 days now is starting to get a little old. I’m a headache hipster; this is no longer cool.

EvenMoreSarah Pints of Ben & Jerry’s are $3 at Rite Aid. A friend told me.

ClevelandPoet MaritalBliss = I call out “I don’t know, but I’ve been told” and @kittenkaboom calls back “Eskimo pussy is mighty cold!” #FullMetalJacket

markleggett My beard is almost long enough to chew! How exciting for me.

AmandaStretch Just pushed my computer/reading glasses up with my pointer finger by the bridge. I’ll be turning in my Cool Person card now. If I have one.

telephase Children left unattended will be given Jolt! Cola and a Vuvuzela. #newdeptsignage

yoyology A lampshade wearing a lampshade on its head #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

mocoddle SEXY Can of Corn #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

ryankresse Diabeetus. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

ElKaboing Active Yogurt Culture #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

jenifersf Pillowcase full of ham. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

negativsteve Dignity. Also, Sexy Dignity #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

pattymarq Mr. Collins and Lady Catherine de Bourgh #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

timeblimp A fully functional rotary sander. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

Killerrobodb The miracle of birth #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

turtlesby SEXY Umlaut #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

NicLewis Drunk cactus. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

NicLewis Freddy Krueger, as an innocent baby. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

InfiniteChicken Dog disguised as other dog #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

Vernacularshift Snake with a leg #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

mocoddle Toner Cartridge #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

NicLewis CircleJerx. #RejectedNetflixNames

jenifersf Discwank. #RejectedNetflixNames

NicLewis Digisquirt. #RejectedNetflixNames

ElKaboing ‘Puter Vision #RejectedNetflixNames

Thoracic_Park Ooopster #rejectedNetflixnames

bradmahler Qwikderp #RejectedNetflixNames

msbellows In Netflix’s defense: if the Union Pacific had evolved into an airline like it should have, its old customers would’ve hated riding Haulster.

jillgengler Earlier this morning, found the three year old dancing around with her brother’s athletic cup on her head like it was a small, kicky beret.

michael_J_m00n I just did an amazing impression of a Keurig coffee maker. The guy in the next stall was really impressed.

MassageByTed Sometimes I only want 3 or 4 hours of energy.

adamselzer Getting scared that clowns will blow up in 2014 like pirates did in 2002. I should start writing a clown romance now, probably.

johnmoe My 1990s self just time traveled in and can’t believe anyone’s complaining about Netflix. Brought the new Cracker cassette too.

thejohnblog Starting my new job today. I’m still trying to decide between using a cockney British accent or loud Scotsman.

hereslizz Ever consider getting your pinky toe removed so your insensible shoes will fit more comfortably? Just me?

MakeMommyCoffee I looked up briefly at Sesame Street and saw what I swear was Mr. Noodle fellating a Sonicare toothbrush. I think I need more coffee.

fierceflawless Oh, Michael Vick got hurt in the game last night? We’d better just put him down then. I have a few ideas…

tigervsshark Boss: Remove each star from this galaxy photo
Me: Thats millions of stars. Can I just make a new picture of black instead?
Boss: Hmmm..no.

LisaMcIntire “We had to destroy the service in order to save it.” – Netflix

danforthfrance Netflix just called me drunk, kept saying “I’m sorry” and said, “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Whoops, there’s the cops” and hung up.

MightyQuinn72 O hi bots. Shoulda seen that coming. Let’s see… ipod mcdonalds walmart porn diet insurance, Ready. GO.

ohrebecca I hope fantasy football is mostly about riding pegasus through rainbows and feeding cupcakes to unicorns, ’cause then I GOT THIS.

BridgetCallahan CW is like the Countess Bathory, it bathes in the blood of young girls to stay young.

theleanover You know it’s a party when people bust out ukeleles and didgeridoos.

pistolval Tired. Like zombie tired. If I start eating people I’ll let you know.

blondediva11 I’m disappointed that Fox News didn’t win for Best Comedy again! #emmys

limadean We need an eighth day in the week. I’d call it Bookday, and make it dedicated to reading my pile of 20 books.

Mike_FTW Every once in a while San Francisco puts someone in front of me that makes me question evolution.

notbrandoncrane My mom was talking about a movie called “Yellow Icing”. The movie she was actually talking about was “Layer Cake”. At least she’s seen it.

TheNextMartha I’m not sure what makes church more attractive. The free God childcare or the wine.

bebehblog Which is worse: The Education Connection commercial song or Dino Dan? DISCUSS.

TwoAdults Husband took Ezra to Chucky Cheese. That’s where “Contagion” was filmed, right?

jenifersf My ears are itchy. I think that means someone is talking about how well I can hear.

ericsiry I honestly don’t mean to tweet so much about my dog’s poop, but as writing instructors say, “tweet what you know.”

shinyinfo Sign of the end times: My Mother has a tablet before I do. Jesus wept.

theleanover I’ve spent 30 years fattening myself up for this winter.

Cramtron Its Thomas Kinkade! His body fades away in pastel motes of light. The light gathers and enters your heart. YOU ARE NOW THE PAINTER OF LIGHT.

The_Pigeon Abbreviations made easy: “LOL” is an abbreviation for “Ha”. “LMFAO” is an abbreviation for “Ha Ha”.

AndreaDesirePen Bowling is the perfect activity when I’m in the mood to stick my fingers in disease-ridden holes, but your mom is unavailable.

eareeve I was just so excited at finding a low-dose iron supplement, I may have aged 40 years.

HopicalTumor 6 hours spent carefully crafting, editing, rewriting and honing epic tweet to end all tweets: 0 Stars. Cat walks across keyboard: 47 Stars.

PlainSaraJane22 I just found the ball bearings from a Magnetix set inside of a tinkerbell sock. My girl’s getting ready for a brawl, ya’ll.

Greeblemonkey My life revolves around how much battery charge my iPhone has left.

joeinverarity Listening to Fleet Foxes because I was in the mood to hear human beards play music.

MommyNaniBooboo Dealing with a 3 yr old is way harder than that time I saved the world.

InfiniteChicken I got a bill from ‘State Farm’. Why do I owe money to a communist cooperative? Did we lose a war?

shinyinfo @exlibris What was the name of the bookmarking site where you insulted their moms? This is a work related question.

MmeSurly Ruby wrote a song and she’s been singing it all morning. It’s called “Flippin’ Panties.” You’re welcome, Other Preschool Parents.

UnicornFlavored I’m tired of junk food commercials trying to pull the whole fresh farm-to-bag crap. Crackers, cookies, chips. Know your role, assholes.

emoryshatzer If I had a magic wand I’d use it to make another magic wand, except one that’s thinner & has a longer battery-life.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Holding Hands

16 Sep

I am so going to miss the Farmer’s Market when it closes next month. I’ve been to almost all of them this year, and some of the time we’ve been lucky enough to meet up with my bestie Angela and her son Kingston. This trip they not only decided they were going to spend about a half hour spontaneously dancing, but they also took the opportunity to hold hands and run around.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

NASeason Ergo baby carrier hidden bonus: no bra required.

BridgetCallahan What if when God said “I have a plan”, he meant “…to kill you all. Muahahahaha”?

theleanover When I say “Will cuddle for $$” I mean I’ll cuddle and you give me money as opposed to the more conventional arrangement of me paying you.

iNusku I sure hope these anti-psychotics don’t level me out, and turn me into a Facebook user.

sgnp When all is lost, flip the board over like a maniac. #LifeLessonsMonopolyTaughtMe

mrpilkington Okay last chance for you to give me access to your sweet Manhattan penthouse for a week. I have zero dollars but I will break things.

jillgengler Seen on way into work: high-waisted acid wash jeans paired with a side pony. Children of the future, those of the past send warnings!

thecorbettkid big chapter of our lives. 4yo started school this am. his dad says: “well, one step closer to making his own money!” um…

hotdogsladies While I have absolutely no interest in organized sports, I’m always pulling for anyone who’s trying to use MUNI. Guess I love an underdog.

slackmistress Crappy Diem, amirite?

wowser “We’d like to employ a slave, but they have to be very posh” – Internships.

joeinverarity In case you are having too good of a good day, let me remind you, Snooki is a New York Times Best-Selling Author, and we live in this world.

TheAngryDM Apparently, I can control the weather. I can summon drenching rain merely by leaving my car windows open.

theleanover Isn’t it embarrassing when you open your laptop up in a classroom and the video player’s still on and instead of porn it’s Star Trek DS9?

PlumeriaSprite Hugging an old, plump, buxom woman is like a comfy memory foam mattress.

markleggett “Conway Twitty” sounds like an app.

Handflapper Who the fuck are these skank whore looking fairies hanging out with Tinkerbell anyway? Disney’s version of The Bad Girls’ Club?

LouisPeitzman I’d drive a lot better if you’d just let me win all our Words With Friends games.

willgoldstein Is it bad that I need my twitter and instagram feeds to figure out when I last bathed my child?

FozziesRevenge i thought turtles were too slow to be effective ninjas

librarianearp Attention. I have added Tiptoe Through The Tulips to my ukulele recital list. I believe this means I should be Tiny Tim for Halloween.

smonkyou My wife told me to call at 3pm to find out where I am. But I know where I am so I’m not sure if I should call.

chickenscottpie When you harmonize with the hum of the garage door opener, people act like, somehow, you’re the one who’s crazy.

geekandahalf Drunk. Tell ya mama.

PolyesterPony You’ll be happy to know that you can mix gins with no more ill affect. Effect? Fuck. Maybe a little effect. Dammit.

slackmistress How many years of marriage is the Star Trek Anniversary?

TheThryll Some people like Beethoven’s 5th, I prefer “Dennis Steals the Embryo” from the Jurassic Park Soundtrack.

YourAuntDiane Anyone want some leftovers of this vegan dessert I just had? It’ll keep forever, it’s a bowl of water.

shinyinfo You know someone’s got their lyric game locked up when they make a Death of a Salesman reference.

johnmoe I asked my producer to find audio of Kardashians. For our public radio show. And the day just kind of went downhill after that.

UncleDynamite Every time I see a little kid slither out of a ball pit, I think “Design fail.”

Toaster_Pastry According to our office copy of People magazine, William and Kate are planning to get married.

aspaul I should never have bought an audiobook of Ethan Hawke narrating Slaughterhouse-Five. I’d rather hear Gilbert Gottfried reading Lolita.

himissjulie oh, man, I’d love to design a library. it might end up looking like homer simpson’s car, but it would be so much fun.

andrewtshaffer I found a poor little lonely pumpkin pie at Super Target and I had no choice but to take it home with me.

LIFECOACHERS Use your anger-charged batteries of hate to power your Energizer Bunny fists.

danbeames If M Night Shyamalan was on Twitter: “Just went to the shop to buy milk and eggs, now I’m WE ALL LIVE INSIDE A COMPUTER.”

sarcasmically Bacon is good and all but let’s be honest, it’s just a carrier for the chocolate frosting.

MassageByTed One universal truth about city buses: someone in the back is dying.

shariv67 Fucking your way to the top is a great way to become a world class fuck-up.

badbanana Day five of the Insanity Workout. Ten minutes of talking to a mailbox followed by an hour at McDonald’s with a sword.

ProfessorSnack One man’s junk is another man’s pleasure.

Ty_Schutz I’m so comfortable with my sexuality, I’ve started farting in front of it.

rachow Think I figured out the secret to a bigger dick. Might shoot everyone an email.

abdpbt Is it real irony or Alanis irony that the OB/GYN has the most uncomfortable seating options for pregnant women available?

taryn_a_k When I was younger I though Sleeping With The Enemy was part two of Pretty Woman. That explains a lot of my paranoia in relationships.

TheNextMartha When some of you admit that you’re crazy? I believe you.

eliza_evans Okay, have to eat before proofing this cover letter. Else I’ll probably send it off saying something like, ‘Please love me. I work good.’

helgagrace Wow, I actually found a horror movie ON THE SHELF. WHERE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. My patrons are getting lazy.

posthumanist Literally every Republican presidential candidate looks like they could play Satan in a movie about a Satan president.

DaisyJDog You ever notice how white dogs are all like this but black dogs are also the same way because dogs aren’t racist?

theleanover Nothin’ makes me sadder than people! LOL!

muffpunch Dropped the carafe to my espresso maker & broke it. Cleaned up the glass then knocked the machine over & broke it. I’m pretty good at this.

babybabylemon I wonder if Spencer has figured out why he asks me to sing the ABC song every time after twinkle twinkle.

UnicornFlavored Note: “Tranquil Mint” aromatherapy lotion from B&BWorks smells NOT like mint, but like a heavily cologned man in white linen pants.

eihposa Holy crap I didn’t mean for that to be in all caps. Sorry. I feel dirty.

SpaghettiJesus I always mistake people with Audrey Hepburn avatars for Audrey Hepburn.

geekandahalf I’m not even running for president and I could freaking beat Newt Gingrich. #realtalk

LouisPeitzman The more this country goes to shit, the more I rely on the hilarious people I follow to keep me sane. You’re all my Jon Stewarts!

rstevens Peek At Chu is a dude who looks in people’s windows. Pikachu is the famous electric cryptid. Know your cryptids.

DoubleBerg426 Just pulled off the rare sneeze-fart-sigh triplet.

morninggloria The Republican Debate happened tonight. Or, as I like to call it, The Great American Who Can Keep A Straight Face The Longest? Contest.

sarcasmically I hope to make it big one day and have an attendant whose sole responsibility will be to make sure my hands are never lacking an Otter Pop.

SpaghettiJesus The most important moral I have taken away tonight is that just because you have a side salad in your fridge, you don’t have to eat it. #GOP

luckyshirt People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw orgies.

jillsmo According to my mom, in order to teach me about sex as a kid, she bought me a Playgirl magazine. And I colored all the penises purple.

ShaunLetendre Either ‘desperate and lonely’ doesn’t work anymore, or this is a gay bar.

jenifersf  “Capture and battle magical breasts” is what I just read an ad for a video game say. That would be better than what the game actually is.

WordShore “The red means hot. The blue means cold. Wanna practice a little?” Handyman has little faith in my uncivilized European upbringing.

MassageByTed Measuring my head with a ruler because I couldn’t possibly have anything more pressing to do.

luckyshirt Fall fashion trends update from my campus! This year it’s “picnic table pelts” for the guys, and “what the hell are sizes” for the ladies!

SaraJOY Pretty sure that when I think really mean things & do not say them, candy is supposed to rain from the heavens. WHERE’S MY CANDY, SKY?!?!

domesticH nobody cried, the toast didn’t burn, and the first thing i put on worked… i’m pretty sure this’ll be the day i get hit by a car.

anildash One of the best things about getting old is how many things you don’t have to give a shit about anymore.

saraschaefer1 Watching a documentary about a sheep farm. THEY ARE PUTTING FOOTIE PAJAMAS ON A NEWBORN LAMB.

wordsinmymouth Could some one please DM me a Xanax. Thanks!

han_nahj adults should NEVER have to wear leotards.

theleanover Admits he was a barnacle that clung to the side of Noah’s Ark. #CheneyBookSurprises

theleanover Foreword written by George W. Bush: in crayon. #CheneyBookSurprises

theleanover Written on a typewriter built by Satan. #CheneyBookSurprises

NicLewis Has never eaten an orphan. He prefers the family to watch as he eats. #CheneyBookSurprises

Mothpete If you don’t have enough explosions in your movie, you’re doing it the wrong Michael Bay.

telephase Sometimes, I start trying to play Wu-Tang Clan lyrics on Words with Friends. That’s how I know it’s time to put down the phone.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.