Tag Archives: Jupiter

Follow Friday – Jupey’s Harem

12 Aug

"O hai I'm Jupey."

That handsome fella in the photo above is Jupiter, whom you may remember from such posts as  “My Cat is a Magician and Shapeshifter.” One day he lost his collar and instead came home with the collar he had previous lost over six months ago. He has brought me more injured animals and headless lizards than I ever would have thought possible, but his tastes have shifted recently. After the slightly paranormal collar incident, he brought home a small blue dream catcher. Odd. Very odd indeed. Till a few days later, when I saw him pop over the fence with something else in his mouth. Something so large he was in fact having a hard time getting it over the fence. Oh god, I thought to myself, what could it be this time?

Turns out, it was a Barbie doll. The first day he just brought the one over, but after that he started bringing more and more. He’d bring them home just as fast as I’d keep chucking them back over the fence. We now get shipments of three or four Barbies a day. I’ve already explained to the neighbor family what is going on, and thank goodness they love Jupey or I’d have to lock him up inside again. And no one wants that. Trust me.

With the exception of the lavender doll (Isobel’s favorite) he brings us exclusively brunette dolls. My cat has a type. And a naked lady fetish.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

danforthfrance I’ve got no food in the house, so when I feel hungry I just give the cat a treat. Karma, your move.

trelvix I don’t think we can go after the Newsweek Sarah Bachmann photo as sexist unless we’re talking about what it did to my frightened ball sack.

heyitsurban Is it too late to return the Louisiana Purchase? We must still have the receipt. #BudgetAmerica

LIFECOACHERS Go forth into the world tomorrow bearing the bright light of inspiration and some artfully concealed sharp-edged weapon.

koalohauke Me: Hi, nice to see you. Gym: Do I know you…?

apodixis Ball gags make great cat toys!

sgnp I completely forgot that earlier today I saw a Honda Odyssey with blue truck nuts. I know there are more important things, but still.

malkatz I had no clue it’s Women’s Day, but that makes my gynecologist appointment later today much more meaningful.

mat The best thing about being a guy in your late 30s is discovering all the cool new places you can grow hair.

NicLewis I was worried the beautiful people in this show wouldn’t find love again. That was a tense 15 seconds.

thegrumbles Klout believes I am influential about yogurt. They’re not wrong.

Booktown_ninja No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

MeganBoley I assume I should stick to classic frosty. #livetweetingwendys #myliiiiiiifffe

jess_mc If Tim Pawlenty were AT ALL like Sarah Palin, people would have noticed him standing there by now.

milkglassheart Just mortified myself remembering how I sang The Owl & The Pussycat like a lounge singer when I was little.

WordShore Made the mistake of turning on the news. Not doing that again for a while. Back to reading about food on a stick. #IowaStateFair

rydka Shitlists. They happen.

"Is this better or worse than the dead parrot I brought you?"

wigu Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? & why are the birds vultures? And why do you smell faintly of death?

That_Biz Just put a couple cows worth of cheese in this macaroni and cheese. If that doesn’t help my mood then nothing will.

goodinthestacks Despite the hilarity that may have ensued, I corrected “plague” to “plaque” in a memo written by my boss.

PolyesterPony Having one men’s room at the office means I know way more about my coworkers digestive habits than anyone should be forced to know.

massagebyted #FF Patrick Stewart saying “Beverly” in a stern voice.

rstevens Honk if you have been bitten by a were-automobile and no longer have any other method of communicating.

BridgetCallahan I refuse to let my mother end up standing in the middle of the woods on her farm calling” BJ!” into the twilight.

SpaghettiJesus I bet Glenn Beck is just masturbating in a pile of Gold and MREs right now.

wheelfreed According to my gym, an Elton John slow song really energizes. Nothing like an explosive squat or bench press to “Candle in the Wind.”

stray I’d like to thank my credit card company for texting me at 3:13 this morning to let me know they’d processed my payment. Thanks, assholes.

theleanover Hard times down at the Viagra factory.

jillgengler So if your first two kids are named Brooklyn and London, do you have any choice *but* to name baby #3 Paris? #notrhetorical

ericsiry To give you some insight as to what an amazing athlete I am, last night I pulled a calf muscle in my sleep.

alyankovic My 8-year-old daughter totally fell asleep at the table during dinner last night. That girl can NOT hold her alcohol.

raymitheminx Can you be a mommy blogger if your baby is all food?

MrWordsWorth In this Final Destination film, Death dies.

SarahIvy Home alone tonight….that means wine and jalapeno popper dip and fritos. Aw yeah.

My cat has a naked lady fetish. Also he prefers brunettes.

sarcasmically @_Biscuit_ you’re like Chuck Norris. You don’t catch the fish; they’re so terrified that they jump into the boat seeking the solace of death.

Athenabee It seems as though the neighbor standing in our driveway is the worst thing that’s ever happened to my dog.

PlumeriaSprite Ad campaign to convince public to accept water reclamation project: “Toilet to Tap”. That marketing director will never be hired again.

kellyloveszoey Zoey is putting her face down in her food and eating it like a dog and laughing, soooo… My work is done.

wolfwalking I wish I had a nail elf to paint my right hand for me. He would follow me around & live off tea, honey & brownies& also apply false lashes.

johnmoe This is gonna suck when the US goes to the dealer to buy that sweet pickup it had its eye on.

birbigs I hope this is cool but I put down all my twitter followers as my “emergency contact” at the hospital.

theRratedBull I admire DJ’s. Not just for their talent and skill but also for their ability to play some of the bullshit people request.

ericsiry Next time you stop to smell the roses, remember that flowers are a plant’s genitals, and that you’re gross.

sgnp I expect that when I’m old and not so mobile, my daughter is going to tickle me like crazy. I will feebly slap her with my robot arms.

sbellelauren don’t worry if you don’t have good credit it’s patriotic now

apelad My investment portfolio is a stack of old X-Men comics and an earring I found that might be a diamond.

DaveHolmes That “OBAMA’S HIP-HOP BBQ DOESN’T CREATE JOBS” Fox headline took jobs away from people who write parodies of Fox headlines.

Greeblemonkey Overheard at @sandiegozoo, from a 5yo-looking girl: “The best pooper here, elephants. Best peeer, tooooootally the orangutans.”

alecmuffett #Defcon very romantic. Many couples walking around. Some of them are actually married. Some portion of those, to each other.

"I have Stockholm Syndrome."

raamatuid Nancy Drow – A young darkelf detective solves mysteries in the Underdark #bookswithaletterchanged

BtotheD Trying to put together a senior citizen super band called Baby Got Back Problems, which is easier said than done.

jszyd I am so hungry, my stomach is making noises as if I just ate Taco Bell.

NicLewis Rome is ablaze. As its citizens run from the flames in terror, Emperor Nero frantically washes his toga. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

theleanover Apes touch a large, black monolith. They learn shame, then learn to weave leaves into clothes, begin to do laundry. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

Kouban Enterprise engine room. Bottle of Tide manifests within warp core. Geordi removes VISOR, sheds a single tear. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

InfiniteChicken Clergy, Leaders of Man behold bottle of Tide, destroy their machines & fall prostrate before their new God. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

mocoddle Dexter. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

InfiniteChicken Children frolic and make sand castles on the beach. Camera pans left, a box of Tide is there. Cue Coldplay song. #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

InfiniteChicken Split screen of Tide with ‘Other Detergent;’ Tide has a much larger penis #RejectedTideAdCampaigns

DaisyJDog If you’re looking for me at DogHer I am skipping it this year to spend more time with my food. #DogHer11

deathoftheparty In order to avoid people you can’t stand, you now have to get OFF the computer and retreat to life.

lovegrrbottle turns out it’s not the best idea to put sex toys in a box marked “games” and open it up for the first time when you have company over.

Jesus_M_Christ I watched the Jersey Shore tonight. p.s. Jesus wept.

ThisBowers Double dip recession sounds both disturbing and delicious.

LouisPeitzman I’m not saying I had a rough childhood, but I didn’t learn about microwaving Pop Tarts until college.

johnmoe It’s good that the world’s greatest basketball player had a cool name like Michael Jordan and not Barfington McGillicuddy.

lllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaadies

benmarvin Internet Explorer is only good for 3 things:1) Downloading Chrome 2) Downloading FireFox 3) Testing your new malware deployment

apodixis In the end, @favstar isn’t just a website, it’s an ideal we hold in our hearts. Although it’s also a website that has been down all morning.

brianericford I decree that the Google/Apple/Microsoft mobile patent scheming shall henceforth be known as: “Game of Phones”

theleanover No one’s too dumb to be on Twitter! #TwitterMoneymakingSlogans

Zaius13 I’m not embarrassed that everyone saw me picking my nose during the meeting, but I do kind of regret making it the core of my presentation.

TheNextMartha Last night I was told by security to try and “keep it down.” I think my job here is done.

shinyinfo Volunteer heard we give a long rendition of “Backstreet’s Back” when I thought she was out of the room. Kill myself now or later??

hot_spunk I saw a dude pour sugar into a 44 ounce soda at 7-11. America is doomed.

altgeldshrugged Microsoft Word recognizes the typed word “Kardashian.” It’s official; the terrorists have won.

damana If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

BridgetCallahan Smart thinking and awesome thinking are not always the same thing.

walkingborder I just found a random slim jim on my desk under some papers. I didn’t know it was my birthday!

nataliebinder OK, so there’s an all-male Lady Gaga tribute band called Rad Bromance.

shariv67 “Betty Crocker rocks out with her crock out.” That one’s a freebie, General Mills. Hit me up.

JillMorris 4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.

"Mo-om, Jupey caught a dream."

LaurenGberg Sending my hopes & dreams to a farm upstate where they’ll be free to play all day long with other hopes & dreams.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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Starring Jupiter

22 May

I was trying to take a video of something else, but Jupiter decided to make himself the star.

The Saga of Jupe

9 Mar

I consider myself a cat lady. As someone who has lived with and among dozens of cats her entire life, I have a lot of experience with them. Growing up our house became the hub for any homeless stray in the area, and since we lived on the cusp of the suburbs and the country, near an auction yard where people used to dump their unwanted strays, we had plenty. Some of them stayed and lived with us, but many, many were spayed or neutered, vaccinated, and sent off to loving homes. In fact, we’ve given cats to three of our friends and we still love and visit Oscar, Loki, and Mochi to this day. All of this is to say, I have a vast amount of experience dealing with cats.

I have never met a cat like Jupiter. Do you see what he’s doing in the photos? He’s biting the light switch. Biting them. If you were standing outside my house at that moment, you would have seen my porch light flicker on and off schizophrenically. I have no idea what possesses him to do this. His appetite for destruction boarders on obsession.

We once had a cat named Spock (full name: Baby Mister Spock). He came from a cat colony around the corner. This colony was made up entirely of inbred cats, born of a brother and a sister that kept having babies together. As you’d imagine, Baby Mister Spock was extremely stupid.

He’d regularly meow while he was eating, so that round bits of kibble would roll out of his mouth and slide all over the floor. He liked to yawn, mid-meow, because he noticed his mouth was already open and it’d save him the trouble. He made goat-noises when happy. He’d fall asleep with his head in the food bowl, and upon waking up and realizing he was hungry, he would immediately start eating.

He was the dumbest cat I ever met, but he was funny and everybody loved him. Unlike Jupiter, Spock used his powers of stupidity for good.

When Peach and Tink were alive, we let them roam the kitchen counters because they were harmless. Sure, occasionally we’d catch them licking the butter if we left it uncovered, but that was our fault, really. Jupiter is so annoying we’ve had to enforce a strict no-cat policy on the counter and table, and to this day if Isobel sees one of the cats even looking at the table she enthusiastically shouts NO NO NO! We still have to squirt Jupiter in the face with the water bottle at least 25 times a day because, over a year later, he still jumps up on the counter and tries to eat your food while you are eating it every day.

Those of you out there who are not cat people, I can assure you that none of this falls within the realms of what you’d call normal cat behavior. Poppy and Zorro avoid the counter now, that’s for damn sure. Even my Mom, the cat whisperer, agrees he’s the most obnoxious cat in existence.   

Jupiter’s new hobby is jumping up on the desk, climbing atop the computer tower, and flinging himself at the bulletin board, knocking over the speakers, webcam, and monitor, my two picture frames as well as the bulletin board in the process. And I should mention the reason he’s doing this is to pull the pushpins from the bulletin board so he can bat them around and eat them. Yes, I have to prevent my cat from eating pushpins. He will try to do this over and over, no matter how many times we squirt him in the face with the water bottle.

Last weekend we’ve made the executive decision to transition Jupiter to being an outside cat. Previously, all our cats have been indoors, but I think it’s in the best interest of the household if Jupiter spends a bit more of his time outside. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe he’s not stupid so much as he is destructive (and possessed by the devil). He seems to be enjoying his forays outside and maybe it will drain his excess energy enough to become a normal cat.

My Cat Takes a Pacifier

5 Jan