Tag Archives: Maintenance Cat

Total Elliptical of the Heart

25 Jan

(Oh, internet. You didn’t think you could dodge that bullet twice, did you?)

Let me introduce you to the Freemotion 500. When Anthony was assembling this behemoth, I thought the box said it was the Freemason 500, so of course I was hoping this made me an automatic member of the Illuminati. For the very curious, I have model number SFEL 16010.0. According to the manual, it has rear drive, so look for me taking it off some sweet jumps sometime soon.

A few years back, I had also been interested in getting an elliptical, and Anthony and I did a bit of research on them, none of which I remember. Back then, I was still making feeble attempts to go to the gym with Anthony, a sad tale that does not end well. You see, my husband is the epitome of a fit, strong, healthy young man, and I am his polar opposite: a flabby, weak, sickly old woman. He could stay at the gym for hours and enjoy it. The only way I enjoy the gym is when we drive past it on the way to Taco Bell.

Anyway, if you’ve ever used a gym, you know that the elliptical is the most popular machine in all of Exerciseland. Although we had a whole row of them at the gym, half were inevitably broken, and the other half were always full. In the miracle that you did land yourself a machine, the headphone jack was always messed up, and the only alternative was to watch one of the giant TVs that were always left on FOX News. I loved using the elliptical, but it just wasn’t worth it. I cancelled my membership. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Anthony and I were on our monthly trip to Costco, stocking up on Maintenance Cat and picking up some photos I ordered. Every few months Costco changes the location of its cat food. It must be an issue of national security or something (let’s move the cat food so the terrorists can’t blow it up or feed their cats!) so we wandered the store in search of cat food. It’s early January, so we pass by a collection of exercise equipment: bikes, a treadmill, and… the elliptical.

We decide, right then, that we’ll purchase it before Anthony leaves for LA. We don’t really know anything about this machine but Costco is known for its stupidly good return policy. If it craps out or I don’t like it, back to the store it goes.

It looked like a bitch to put together, but Anthony said it really was no problem. It took him about an hour and the instruction manual looked like a nightmare. Honestly, this is not something I would have been willing to do myself.

The machine itself is huge. HUGE. I was not prepared for the hugeness. We moved a chair out of the room to fit it in, and for the moment it lives in Isobel’s room. When unfolded for use, I can’t even open the bedroom door all the way. The back part does fold up, though, otherwise it would be too large for me to want to keep. It wouldn’t be practical. But it folds and unfolds very easily.

I haven’t read the manual and don’t really care about iFit (which you have to pay for online), so I’m still getting used to the features. It has a heart rate monitor, which I think is cool, and it tells you how many calories you’re burning as you work out, which is motivating.  I’m starting really slow and hope to work my way up to 30 minutes a day.

So far, I like it. I think the Freemason and I are going to get along just fine.