Tag Archives: Photography

Scrapbook: Home

29 Jan

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Scrapbook: Home Harvest

26 Jan

I’m still catching up on photos and posts that should have run much earlier in year. At the time I was recovering from debilitating panic attacks so this post and a few others kind of got pushed aside. But I am really proud of my pumpkins and I want to show them to you! (That last sentence was not a euphemism. I swear.)

Aside from the herb garden, which I didn’t take a lot of photos of, we grew pumpkins, butternut squash, a sunflower, and marigolds. I count marigolds because they are a pest-repellant plant and I was specifically growing them for Day of the Dead decorations. Anthony accidentally cleared them out when he was weeding the garden at the end of the season (oops!) so I didn’t get to use them.

I’m really proud of our pumpkins. We were so infested with aphids that I was really worried we wouldn’t get any fruit but we managed to grow three fat orange globes. You can see the other two, plus a helpful PSA, here. Isobel was especially impressed with our pumpkins.

And the sunflower. Which was pretty magical for both of us. When I was thirteen I grew a patch of Russian Giant sunflowers that were easily 15 feet tall. My mom proudly took a picture of me standing next to them. I’ll have to show you someday. We only grew the one, and about half of the seeds are empty, but it was a really fun experience.

We didn’t even have to go to the pumpkin patch this year!

But of course we did, anyway.

The good thing about marigolds, besides the fact they are so cheerful and lovely, is that their petals each turn into a seed, so that by the time the plant has wilted you have enough seeds for a thousand plants. My friend Jake gave me plenty more seeds for next year.

Growing all of these plants was way easier than I thought it would be. Preparing the soil was most of the work done, and daily watering was a chore I had to do anyway. Plus Isobel loves to go outside. I can’t wait to start another garden this summer, but I’m not sure what we’ll grow.

Last Haul of the Season

24 Jan

Ah, summer. That magical time when I visited the Farmer’s Market each week and planned our meals accordingly. Now that the market has closed and the local fruit stands have boarded up their windows, I have only my memories and occasional trips to the local remate to tide me over. It’s tough to get there with the kid, and cold and muddy, too, and I have a hard time struggling to carry all those purchases the distance I have to walk back to the car. I can’t wait until May.

These photos are from the last market of the season back in October. This trip was extra special because I was able to fit some thrifting in that day, too.

The plates, bowls and hangers are all thrifted. Purchases that day included green beans, pea shoots, pomegranates, raw almonds, peaches, grape tomatoes, hummus, red pepper tapenade, and a butternut squash.

The sunflower seeds pictured here were actually grown in my garden. Earlier in the season Isobel and I checked out a local nursery’s booth at the Farmer’s Market and they had a display with soil, a little peat pot and seeds. We happened to run into my cousin’s family there, so Isobel and her cousin Victoria got to plant their own sunflower seeds. We watered it and placed it above the sink and two days later it sprouted. It was so magical for Isobel and I to watch. We watched it bloom and eventually cut it down. Isobel helped me pluck the seeds from the flower head. It was incredibly easy and required little more than water on my part.

The amber jar and wooden salt and pepper shakers in the background were also purchased secondhand that day, along with the Pyrex, mushroom cruets, and very awesome (but naturally, inaccurate) vintage dinosaur place mat. I picked up the letter sorter for Isobel and milk glass dish below for a song.

I miss you, summer.

Fifty Thrifty Fun Things: Color on the Table

20 Jan

It sounds like a strange thing to say, but one of the best compliments I’ve ever received was from Anthony and it was about the thrifty and creative ways I’ve found to cheaply entertain Isobel. And it’s true: I pride myself on my ability to entertain her for minutes on end (precious, precious minutes!!–that sometimes add up to hours!) so I can do the dishes, drink a cup of coffee, or take a blissful dump in peace.

Many of you reading at home are parents, or perhaps spend some portion of your time with a young child. I’m willing to bet that readers here probably don’t have endless supplies of cash to spend entertaining your little ones, so this year I’m going to share at least 50 simple, accessible, and–most importantly–cheap ways to entertain your kids. Some of these ideas might give you a few blessed hours to yourself, and some of these activities you can revisit over and over again. If you’d like to share your best ideas for thriftily entertaining kids, I’d love to hear them.

50 thrifty idea, number one: cover your table with butcher paper, hand your kid a bucket of crayons and maybe some stickers and let them have at it.

The paper we used is actually packing material that came inside a package my mother ordered at Christmastime. She knows I collect paper like this to use for shipping items from my Etsy shop. That’s why it’s so crinkled. This time I spread  it on the table for Isobel to use instead of adding it to my shipping cupboard. It might end up there eventually, though.

The paper itself is like a very thin paper lunch sack. I like the way crayon and stickers look against the tan brown color. They really pop. I like it better than white paper, but it’d do just as good a job.

This activity bought me an hour. It probably would have given me longer but we had errands to run so I had to stop her.

When it was time to clean up I just rolled the paper up. It still has plenty of life left in it. I can rotate the side if she wants a clean slate to color on, or I can make it new buy letting her put stickers or water colors over the used areas. I just introduced her to the magic of stamps, so I’m sure this will be covered in ink pad markings and fingerprints before too long.

This is also great to save and pull out when she gets into Epic Coloring Mode. She can get so enthusiastic about coloring that she ends up going off the paper with her artistic zeal and then I have to scrub crayon off the table for the fifteenth billion time. She can color on top of this paper and I don’t have to tell her to slow her coloring roll.

Since the paper was repurposed and we already owned the crayons, this activity was free.

My sanity and a happy toddler? Priceless.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Sunday

15 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

 

Patheticist Radio Shack is the most literal name of any store.

mikeleffingwell No one ever talks about what an asshole Toddler Jesus was.

MariaMelee My effing PMS is like something out of Neverending Story. ARTAAAAXXXXXXXXXX.

MeganBoley the opposite of tacos is sadness.

louisvirtel My version of winning the lottery is following a car with a “Baby on Board” sticker and finding out the driver is Jennifer Grey.

pistolval i gave myself a papercut on the eyelid today. #justthatgood

MassageByTed I will purchase any product that makes senior citizens rap or do the conga.

cryanathus My patronus is a honey badger.

rstevens Apparently “do the mashed potato” means something other than I thought and also there are laws against doing that with vegetables in public.

swamibooba Some people use “Lorem ipsum”, I use Beck’s “Loser”.

mzeld If lying on my back and putting a pillow over my face doesn’t solve all my problems, I’m out of ideas.

iasshole Oh BOY bicyclist who just farmer-blew into the street hands-free, my panties just FLEW OFF here

ClevelandPoet and then I found a GIF of Hulk Hogan headbutting a Russian Flag and my day improved by +20

dino_dogan When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

LadyLiberal Having “Parents of the Year” t-shirts made since it was our preshus snowflake KICKING THE BABY JESUS STATUE in the outdoor nativity this am.

johnmoe Jimi Hendrix offered an internship and mentoring program for those who answered no on his “are you experienced” question.

jessnevins Marvel, for $2 a year I’d produce a weekly Economist-style column on how current economic situations are affecting your fictional countries.

premmeridian The Swype keyboard on my phone keeps ignoring my ‘u’ in ‘honour.’ EXCUSE ME IT IS NOT “HONOR” I AM CANADIAUAUAUAN.

badbanana It’s taken me this long to realize “Eurozone Crisis” wasn’t referring to a woman’s underarm area.

crom74 Our microwave died. It died cooking two pot pies. It finished cooking them. It was a trooper.

mjbz104 I’ve only left my house for a total of 2.5hrs in the past 6 days. My arm is starting to curve like the dorsal fin of a dolphin in captivity.

emoryshatzer When a mammoth is eventually cloned I hope it’s taken to that yokel Bible museum with the words painted on its side, “How you like me now?”

TheBlackStar Leave it to Kingston to mosh to minimalist piano twinkle twinkle little star.

purple_quark It may be time to Febreeze the dog.

inversejaik At Big Lots: Low-battery Xmas toy reciting “Visit from St Nick;” sounds like “A Lt. Worf Christmas.”

Handflapper I just thanked myself for a retweet AND called myself “sweetie.” #winningattwitter

FakePewResearch 98.5% of cardigan owners will kill again.

MmeSurly Ruby just called the bad guy from Inspector Gadget “Dr. Claus” which explains why she’s been so nervous lately.

ProfessorSnack Crotchety: pertaining to the groin. “After a week of not bathing, he smelled crotchety.”

AuntiPax Oh THAT was the deputy? Ok then I guess I shot him too. My bad.

FakeAPStylebook Considering the economic climate, have your gift guide include affordable items such as twigs, recyclable cans, and pretty good boxes.

CParkhurst1 I strongly suspect that after the fourth day of Christmas, someone started dropping hints that more bird gifts would not be appreciated.

hipstermermaid Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before weed, forget how to rhyme.

MeganBoley Twitter, I never say goodnight to you. I always just doze off in mid-conversation like we are at a 5th grade sleepover. Goodnigdkendkjszzzzz

corrinrenee Autocorrect just changed my name to Cotton Floater.

theleanover If I was a Hispanic hair dresser I would name my salon “Jesus Dyed.”


ncguk “We spent so long looking for the Higgs boson, and all the time it was in our hearts.” — Higgs Boson Christmas Special

sarahbellum Today was amazeballs, only without the amaze part.

juan_incognito Most of the time when I appear to be in deep thought, I’m just thinking about what I’m going to build with my Legos when I get home.

notthatkendall An awkward thing is trying to figure out how you will explain to a spambot that you don’t eat McDonalds.

sgnp Bras are pretty amazing. They’re MADE to have boobs shoved in ‘em! #HouseCleaningThoughts

abobrow This has been a shit year for my fantasy dictator team.

80sMomKara My 8 year old: “On Christmas, why don’t we go to that midnight madness thing over at that church in Biloxi?” Me: “You mean midnight MASS?”

Soulsmithy Scary poops are the price we pay for holiday potlucks.

theSethsquatch The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But only if you enter through his ass.

tehawesome That first trip to the bathroom after Thanksgiving is like a religious experience. And by that I mean an exorcism.

johnmoe The Kiss Army seemed too heavy so I signed up for the Kiss National Guard. I like them one weekend a month.

badbanana You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving weekend when your watch doesn’t fit anymore.

timcarvell I wish Etsy were a physical store, just so I could see people punching each other on Black Friday over crocheted Ramones shirts for birds.

ramisalame If Snoop Dogg told me his hobby was sculpting, I’d be like “Fo’ chisel?” and we’d high-five and laugh endlessly.

InfiniteChicken @theleanover Lucky. I’ve only had sloppy, random sex in an art gallery bathroom. (Thomas Kinkade retrospective—hard to NOT get horny.)

mikeleffingwell If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around… free tree!!!

mocoddle If I were to get some sort of voice-control typing software, all my tweets would be profanity and chupacabras.

geekandahalf Pretty sure I meant “bitches”, autocorrect, but good lookin’ out.

J__Swift I think I’ll buy something to cheer myself up. This gun oughta do it.

lemoneyes Waking up early makes it harder for me to stay up late. Too little sleep is what makes that seem like an insight.

rstevens In the Marvel Universe, a “Daily Bugle” is also a sex act.

LaurenBans How is the tagline for the McRib not “Ribbed For Your Pleasure?” How?

johnmoe Question about those Progressive commercials: why are people who are dead and in heaven concerned about car insurance?

eliza_evans  Good night, Internet. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

BillMc7  Tequila is like Instagram for your eyeballs.

slackmistress  In case any of you were feeling remotely attracted to me, my bra is filled with brownie crumbs.

tehawesome  Matt Damon plays an adventurous father who takes a big risk in the heartwarming comedy-drama We Bought a Zune.

WordShore   Hurrah! The Asian corner shop is open tomorrow, so if you are local and haven’t got a present from me yet, you’ll be getting a yam.

shinyinfo  I’m just saying. If there is a siege, the library WILL. NOT. FALL. I have metal bookends I will throw like ninja stars if need be.

meganamram Every time a bell rings, an angel trained by Pavlov starts to drool.

ProfessorSnack It appears that a cock ring isn’t part of the turkey preparation.

YourAuntDiane Hard to keep the dozens of turkeys hiding from the Turkey Holocaust in the attic quiet. And none are writing in the diary I gave them.

JRehling Before you decide you’re the world’s worst cook, I just burned a banana to ashes while peeling it.

MaybeNotSteve I’m so hungry I asked a horse to the prom and she said YES!!!

adiopink Re: woman who gestured at my dad & asked what my husband does. My sister says I should’ve replied: “He sleeps with my mom.”

apodixis Crowdsourcing question: does anyone know where the fuck I parked?

brand_BIG Bleh! I feel like Keith Richards looks.

Toaster_Pastry I’m an avid multitasker. Right now I’m tweeting on my iPad while I’m pooping in the shower.

tehawesome Just had to stop myself from shouting “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” upon winning a free game in Lord of the Rings pinball.

shelldash Google Music is apparently offering me (ME!) “free Dave Matthews Band concerts”. Wondering if Bing Music might counter with “free earplugs”.

notthatkendall “If being married doesn’t mean I can make you watch Home Alone repeatedly then I don’t understand what we’re doing here”

Alena29 I just uploaded a photo on FB that shows what it look like when you’re carrying an actual baby and a food baby…at the same time.

Caissie Every time I look at Ron Paul my mouth starts watering for a Werther’s Original! #TweetThePress

wordlust Two things I need to say more often are “I’m sorry” and “Choo-choo!”

RideOrDiePudge You guys who habitually change your avatars have given me a chilling sneak peak into living with Alzheimers.

TheMiaWarren Mystikal was a rapper who cared. He told you to shake your ass but he also told you to watch yourself.

jenstatsky I always say no to drugs. Mostly after I take a bunch of em and am like, “hey I’m gonna start talking to these drugs!”


PolyesterPony My xbox no longer listens when I say pause. We’ve grown so far apart.

AnnieLowrey  What is scarier: Toy-obsessed, super-judgmental, bearded trespasser, or winged lady who wants to trade dollar bills for teeth?

joversusvolcano When I go to Hogwarts I’m going to get a wand made out Keith Richards’ femur and unicorn pubes.

notthatkendall  I’m pretty sure you guys are repinning stuff just to fuck with me now.

Greeblemonkey  Good news: Didn’t break my arm ice skating yesterday. Bad News: It is so sore I’m having trouble doing laundry. WAIT. GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND.

slackmistress I don’t think I know who Ryan Gosling is which is probably a sign that my ladyparts are going to fall out.

pilotbacon I only drink coffee so I can stare at a blank Final Draft document for longer than usual.

mikeleffingwell Super surprised to find out the most popular song played at orgies is “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”

tommycm if today were a Labrador, I’d have it humanely put down.

Patheticist I feel guilty that I’ve spent more on myself than the rest of my entire family combined. I’m teaching them a Christmas lesson, probably.

danforthfrance My cat purrs like the Enterprise-D warp core. No YOU’RE never getting laid again!

heliumcell YEAH, CUT AWAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KEYBOARD SOLO. I REALLY WANT TO SEE WHAT THE DRUMMER IS DOING RIGHT THERE. OH COOL, HITTING A CYMBAL

rstevens THE JENNY IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BLOCK

JohnFugelsang it doesn’t count as pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

BorowitzReport Gingrich says he would leave Afghanistan “only if it has cancer.”

Handflapper You guys! YOU GUYS! I just typed “ehll” and my phone autocorrected it to “hell.” AUTOCORRECT FINALLY GETS ME!

shariv67 As you can imagine, Curious George did A LOT of experimentation in college.

jeff_ratfamily Even though no music is playing I’m doing my Mighty Mighty Bosstones dance in front of everyone & I invite you to do the same.

KaseyAnderson Why would I dance like nobody’s watching? People need to see this shit

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Saturday

14 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

InfiniteChicken I got a bill from ‘State Farm’. Why do I owe money to a communist cooperative? Did we lose a war?

sarcasmically I’d like to tell you I haven’t spent an hour pasting Burt Reynolds’ face onto Jesus’ body, but I don’t want BurtJesus to hear me tell a lie.

badbanana Just completed a wildly successful first test of my new robot intern at work. At least three dead.

markleggett I’ve been stressed before, but never “infomercial mom” stressed.

MassageByTed Up next on “Today”: cockblocking. What is it, who’s doing it, and how can you protect your children?

MmeSurly Every piece of popcorn chicken is unique, like a beautiful meat snowflake.

NicLewis Just saw a Target employee as nerdy as me hit on a coworker out of his league. Star Trek tells me this won’t end well for either redshirt.

emoryshatzer If I had a magic wand I’d use it to make another magic wand, except one that’s thinner & has a longer battery-life.

badbanana I was prepared to suspend disbelief when I rented Thor, but come on. Admitted to a hospital without insurance?

InfiniteChicken I want to burn all the good will my business once commanded. If only there were some model on how to do that effectively.

joeinverarity Did anybody else notice Larry King has slowly transformed into a man-size Praying Mantis?

telephase Children left unattended will be given Jolt! Cola and a Vuvuzela. #newdeptsignage

msbellows In Netflix’s defense: if the Union Pacific had evolved into an airline like it should have, its old customers would’ve hated riding Haulster.

danforthfrance Netflix just called me drunk, kept saying “I’m sorry” and said, “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Whoops, there’s the cops” and hung up.

BridgetCallahan CW is like the Countess Bathory, it bathes in the blood of young girls to stay young.

ericsiry I honestly don’t mean to tweet so much about my dog’s poop, but as writing instructors say, “tweet what you know.”

CramtronIts Thomas Kinkade! His body fades away in pastel motes of light. The light gathers and enters your heart. YOU ARE NOW THE PAINTER OF LIGHT

WhyIsDaddyCryin I love finding a FB wall post with a lot of comments on it an adding my own that says “cats are soft”

susanorlean Someone actually did move my cheese.

ohrebecca Yayyuuuuuyyyyyyyyayyayyyayyuauuyyauu vodka!

rstevens Googled “search engines” and now I can see forever.

MarinkaNYC I don’t understand people who talk to me while I’m obviously tweeting. It’s like they were raised in a WiFi-less barn.

thejohnblog It’s probably not a good idea to have Santorum standing next to the Google logo. #tweetthepress

Cheeseboy22 Fun stat: Even when I wear my Hammer pants, I am still the most normal person in Rite Aid 100% of the time.

palinode Why didn’t they rename “The Hills Have Eyes 2″ as “The Hills Have 2 Eyes”? Because duh.

vhsTapes2 I assume “Holy Cow!” is a Hindu term.

RobinMcCauley My doctor said I have to stop drinking caffeine or I will die but it’s okay I’ve had a good run.

notthatkendall If time travel is ever invented, my first move would be to go back to the moment before WebMD is invented just to punch that guy in the face.

JohnRossBowie Last night, I sneezed so hard my mouthguard flew out. Ladies, I am a married man, control yourselves.

timcarvell OK, this is weird. The CEO of Netflix is now just standing under my window, holding up a boom box playing “In Your Eyes”.

rustymk2 Just made a fake female profile on Christian Mingle for ‘Bea Elsie Bubbs’ so I could cast out the infidels on their site.

luckyshirt If Lil Jon and Lil Wayne had a baby, it would be Lil Jon Wayne The Abomination Born Of Two Men And That’s Not Even How Baby Names Work.

theRratedBull It’s so hard to overcome stupidity. But I challenge you to keep trying.

SweetDeeeeeeTV in general is terrible for the most part. It’s like watching millions of years of evolution collapse in 30 minute segments

EvenMoreSarah guess that’s Pepto Bismol spilled on the stairs at work, but it looks like someone’s been murderin’ Care Bears up in here.

BridgetCallahan One of the major differences between me and a highly effective person is pants.

milonguera Pan flute. The spa industry’s musical overlord.

mikeleffingwell Watching my wife and daughter napping peacefully just feet from my dog who’s aggressively licking his penis. Mixed emotions.

ProfessorSnack I suppose the difference between bent and hell bent would be the shipping fees.

morninggloria All cat litter’s “fresh” scent smells the same, which defeats purpose of masking smell. Why not make a hickory bbq scented variety?

TwoAdults Toddlers slept until 8am. Ponies for everyone!

Schmoodles I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. – White. – Good condition. – Reliable. – Cheap. – Some evidence of rear end damage.

CorporateMonkey every year on my birthday I wonder if THIS is the year that I’ll finally get my superpowers.

senorwinces Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

slackmistress Going by what it selects as my “Top Stories,” Facebook needs to invade my privacy more.

sarcasmically One year at Christmas my gramps couldn’t buy a tree so we decorated the ’82 Chevy Blazer sittin’ on blocks in the yard. A+++ would do again.

ProfessorSnack Remind me to tell my kids about the elves who come by Halloween night and eat candy so they have energy to finish all of Santa’s toys. Burp.

alotofnothing Do Canadians celebrate Halloween with the rest of us or did they have it in September?

ElizabethBanks I totally rocked my “overtired working mom” costume. Complete with spit-up on shirt and a nap. And somehow, I still made it slutty.

notbrandoncrane Just saw a bird explode. It was like a pillow fight gone horribly horribly wrong.

heyrenees I just got to third with the buffet at the Four Seasons.

shariv67 White suburbanites giving out healthy Halloween treats, I hope your house is pelted with only the finest organic eggs.

rstevens I wish that when I said that we got ten inches last night that I was being saucy.

sucittaM People didn’t smile in photographs from the 1800′s mostly because the taco pizza hadn’t been invented yet.

AmberTozer Oh sorry, I thought you were a real donkey. Your costume is amazing. I’ll get off your back & stop screaming “IT’S JUST YOU AND ME DONKEY”

rstevens All I can think of is all the poor samovars of coffee going cold in the power outage before getting the chance to be turned into pee.

OhLookBirdies Victorians were posers. Hundreds walked around with those ear trumpets, but only a few of them could play it.

theleanover On Facebook, when I clicked that I “Like” Katy Perry, I really just meant her boobs.

slackmistress So it turns out “Call of Duty” isn’t a competitive pooping game.

rstevens My kingdom for a democratic republic.

royalboiler If we ever get jetpacks they will be so uncool. Like fannypacks mixed with segways.

bobtiki Heck of a day for my beard trimmer to stop working. If you see a hobo at today’s wedding, it’s probably just me.

jillgengler I think my tombstone will say “Jill Gengler: She was really fast with a flat iron.”

apodixis I know some of you are pretty busy. But you don’t actually have to read my tweets to star them. In fact, it’s better that way.

MassageByTed You probably don’t even know that your favorite thing about being childless is not having to convince someone else to eat food.

Kasdorf Any tattoo commemorating service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam or the Merchant Marines should be called a “gramp stamp.”

bookishbella It’s “voila,” not “viola.” Unless of course you’re just really excited about string instruments.

mikeleffingwell No one seems reassured by my “I Only Touch People Appropriately” T-shirt.

Patheticist Every morning my wife and I play a game of parenting chicken, the winner pretends to be asleep longer and the loser makes breakfast.

shariv67There aren’t many sports that couldn’t be improved by adding a bear.

mikeleffingwell Whenever one door closes another door opens. This house is haunted!

BonesMcCoy Why is everyone obsessed that some Cardassian named Kim divorced?

J__Swift I actually enjoy being loved from behind. Afar? It’s loved from afar, isn’t it.

JustinMcElroy The worst thing about the NBA season being canceled is that it’s like losing seven of Air Bud’s best playing years.

crassmama I guess saying “nice beard, I’m going to follow you!” to some dude isn’t as well-received in line at Starbucks as it is on Twitter.

badbanana Life is way more exciting in your forties. At any point you could sneeze wrong and end up getting emergency back surgery.

000___000 Idea for evolution: a bear with a helicopter rotor on its head.

apodixis Poop on the floor,
And you’re to blame–
You give cats
A bad name!

Cats inspire me.

robdelaney Oops! My wife just asked me if I remembered her birthday & I pulled a “Rick Perry.” (I executed her)

InfiniteChicken Life has yet to give me an opportunity to make good on my “I could punch my way out the Vatican” boasts.

misskubelik and you might say to yourself: “Hey, is there a picture of a Corgi dressed up as the USS Enterprise?” And the answer is “Corgiprise” & YES.

lateandsoon Long-ass day. An ass should be firm or pert or voluptuous. ANYTHING but long.

rstevens The dog somehow hid a gooey rawhide bone up my shorts leg. I think I still like the dog.

Dude_WaitWhat I want one of those LifeAlert things. I believe I should be able to use it when out of wine and too drunk to drive.

ApocalypseHow A recent study says psychopaths use certain words more often than everyone else. For example, “Murder-tunity.”

ineedaballrub I still remember the day I hatched from my egg avatar.

NicLewis After warding off 3 Best Buy guys with my technobabble, they descended upon a lady in a motorized cart. Now I’m conflicted about my powers.

Leask I’m pretty awesome at complaining. #grumblebrag

hellnope Sent an email for the team huddle today. Realized just after hitting send I sent a team cuddle email. Today is gonna be adorable soon.

Bagyants When I scream “I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING” it’s always about leftover food and never about feelings.

joshjs Somewhere, Katie Holmes is asking Siri to buy Suri a Sari. Also, I apologize for that last sentence.

Schmoodles Always be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole. In which case, always be someone else.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Friday

13 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

shariv67 Banner ads that unexpectedly yell at me owe me a new office chair.

shinyinfo An impressionable youth from Library School is coming to talk to me tomorrow about the secrets to my success. Spoiler Alert, it’s Mt. Dew.

vhsTapes2 I jot down notes so I don’t forget tweets. Coworker found one. It said “An old lady fell. A medley of stenches.” I did not try to explain.

jszyd These kids are driving me to drink! Which is cool because then I got a ride home when I’m all shitfaced.

Bashful_Muse Vacuumed up a live spider yesterday and a dead fly today. That spider better be dead. I don’t like the idea that I’m providing room service.

UncleDynamite As the person who used the bathroom right after you I feel I have to ask: Have you been eating a lot of peanut butter & caraway seeds?

glenyrd Coldplay came on Pandora. A flock of vaginas flew through my window and nestled on my desk. I fed them some cheese and they flew away.

mrdavehill It’s so hot out today, I almost want to just stand here in front of the fire hydrant and not even bother doing my sexy dances anymore.

toasterlicious Additional note to self: phone autocorrects “NOOOOOO” to “VOOOODOOOO,” which raises more questions than it answers.

theleanover The next person who tries to make small talk with me is going to hear about when my mom’s dog ate a jar of pickles.

emirkr I’m worried scientists won’t discover new species of big cats in time for Mac OS next release.

negativsteve I considered instituting a Swear Jar at work, but the prices for these shitty jars are fucking ridiculous.

apodixis I have just invented a word to describe how I am in bed. I am perversatile!

TheBloggess That “first pets name + street you grew up on” doesn’t work for me. No one wants to have sex with “Whiskers Route 4 Box 980.”

slackmistressI need a Kickstarter campaign to get me off of this couch

StephenAtHome It’s President Obama’s birthday this week! Unless the Republicans made him give that up too.

stevetweeters The best thing about tacos is they’re like eating loud hamburgers.

shawnpearlman Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

theneener I hope print media never dies. How else will I securely pack my fine china?

th3jm4n I am a man, and men have needs. One of those needs is tater tots. #IAmAMan

malkatz I had no clue it’s Women’s Day, but that makes my gynecologist appointment later today much more meaningful.

scenesfromahat Whenever someone tries to tell you that “fugly” isn’t a word, look them square in the eyes and say, “It’s a portmanteau, you fugly bastard.”

mat The best thing about being a guy in your late 30s is discovering all the cool new places you can grow hair.

milkglassheart Just mortified myself remembering how I sang The Owl & The Pussycat like a lounge singer when I was little.

goodinthestacks Despite the hilarity that may have ensued, I corrected “plague” to “plaque” in a memo written by my boss.

ericsiry To give you some insight as to what an amazing athlete I am, last night I pulled a calf muscle in my sleep.

birbigs I hope this is cool but I put down all my twitter followers as my “emergency contact” at the hospital.

ericsiry Next time you stop to smell the roses, remember that flowers are a plant’s genitals, and that you’re gross.

sgnp I expect that when I’m old and not so mobile, my daughter is going to tickle me like crazy. I will feebly slap her with my robot arms.

apelad My investment portfolio is a stack of old X-Men comics and an earring I found that might be a diamond.

DaveHolmes That “OBAMA’S HIP-HOP BBQ DOESN’T CREATE JOBS” Fox headline took jobs away from people who write parodies of Fox headlines.

jszyd I am so hungry, my stomach is making noises as if I just ate Taco Bell.

lovegrrbottle turns out it’s not the best idea to put sex toys in a box marked “games” and open it up for the first time when you have company over.

Zaius13 I’m not embarrassed that everyone saw me picking my nose during the meeting, but I do kind of regret making it the core of my presentation.

shinyinfoVolunteer heard we give a long rendition of “Backstreet’s Back” when I thought she was out of the room. Kill myself now or later?

LaurenGberg Sending my hopes & dreams to a farm upstate where they’ll be free to play all day long with other hopes & dreams.

InfiniteChicken ‘Little Rascals’ never made sense to me until I realized they were all in Purgatory.

joeljohnson New York earthquakes are better because of our thinner crust.

johnmoe I like earlier earthquakes before everyone found out about them. I felt a tiny earthquake in Olympia, Washington once at a house party.

morninggloria I knew that “Gettin Jiggy Wit It” would lead to nothing but pain.

shariv67 Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Eve? Thou art more douchey and more desperate.

theRratedBull One very important lesson I’ve learned is that no matter how smart your phone is it still won’t know how to swim.

gabedelahaye Ladies, which do you find more romantic: “AWOOGA!” or “HUBBA HUBBA!”? Please be honest.

wordlust If I’m supposed to be loving my neighbor as I love myself, I guess I owe my neighbor 217,816 handjobs.

ProfessorSnack Welcome new followers. Many of you will deny and unfollow me before I tweet thrice. I’ll love you no less.

tommycm i always feel like my iphone is passing comment on my life when it states ‘nothing to undo’.

tommycm you know those awful misogynist hip-hop gigs where the group get all the sexy ladies onto the stage? how might i do something similar here?

badbanana Pandora has gone from asking me “Are you still listening?” to “So, like, shouldn’t you go get some exercise or something?”

Pinochet I was much happier before i knew what truck nutz were.

lateandsoon Books in the STORM of Ice &Fire series include: A HOME FOR KNIVES, A PRIDE OF KNAVES, A GORGE OF SCONES, A STORM OF SONGS, & STABAPALLOOZA.

InfiniteChicken I’m ‘clouding’ my entire music library to the Google. It’s inloading now!

FozziesRevenge i thought turtles were too slow to be effective ninjas

chickenscottpie When you harmonize with the hum of the garage door opener, people act like, somehow, you’re the one who’s crazy.

slackmistress How many years of marriage is the Star Trek Anniversary?

TheThryll Some people like Beethoven’s 5th, I prefer “Dennis Steals the Embryo” from the Jurassic Park Soundtrack.

YourAuntDiane Anyone want some leftovers of this vegan dessert I just had? It’ll keep forever, it’s a bowl of water.

nicpiper #ff @exlibris She’s a lady, whoa whoa whoa she’s a lady…except on #oversharewednesday when she is not a lady.

rstevens Give me coffee or give me a minute to remember what the end of that sentence was.

jenstatsky When I say a woman “seems like she has her shit together,” that’s basically me saying, “Pretty sure she shaves her legs more often than I do.”

slackmistress “She’s two cats away from giving up completely.” – ad agency describing the target audience for Pajama Jeans

apodixis God I hope you can’t get herpes by reading someone’s timeline.

HAL9000_Scientists think that there is a supernova in Galaxy M101 – it’s actually a regular nova with its underwear on top of its pants

WowItsStephen 1 songwriting duo wrote the themes for Ducktales, TaleSpin, Rescue Rangers, & Gummi Bears. Suck it, Simon & Garfunkel. Suck it slooow.

oodja I thought Bing worked by saying “BING!”

CourtneyReimer “There are no second acts in American lives and there are no quick trips to Ikea.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, unedited version

The_Daver With coffee, all things are possible.

JerryThomas Also, waffles. RT @DalaiLama I feel that a sense of compassion is the most precious thing there is.

Keex714 Someone tell Jerry Lewis to STOP having kids.

JVdesigns Whoever said glitter is the herpes of the craft world should alert the girl in the Twilight shirt outside my office to what this implies.

elloyd74 “We never fight in bed. The grandparents in ‘Willy Wonka’ really knew how to make a marriage work.”

jawillie #YourStarshipCaptainMightBeARedneckIf If the Captain’s Chair doubles as a Hover-round scooter.

papanic #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif the biggest trouble he has with tribbles is that they are undocumented.

PoisonFox #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif his First Officer is a Basset Hound.

jenifersf #YourStarshipCaptainMightBeARedneckIf He orders you to set phasers to bear, deer or possum.

ChrisDoohan #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif he refers to Klingons as “Critters”

jenifersf #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif He has a working navigation console sitting on top of a non-working navigation console.

tcarmody Like most indie bands, it looks like Hurricane Irene was a lot more rough-edged & powerful before selling out and moving to New York.

kellyoxford It’s too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.

EvenMoreSarah Looking through Facebook & I see so much tattoo money that should have been spent on education or possibly dental work.

benmarvin Pro Tip: Take your shirt off when you poop. Trust me.

BridgetCallahan I don’t know about you, but there are times when I really have to stop myself from posting Craigslist ads as performance art.

InfiniteChicken In case you were curious, it is entirely possible to eat too much pineapple. Learn from my error.

dirtyvicar Edward or Jacob. Peeta or Gale. Betty or Veronica. People pretend to enjoy love triangles, but what they really want are threeways.

MmeSurly I can only assume the PT Cruiser in front of me ran off the road just now because it became sentient and suddenly realized what it was.

slackmistress This moisturizer promised to erase years of my life but I still remember 1991.

slackmistress If I expect the unexpected then isn’t it expected and this is where I get eaten by clowns, I think.

kitchenartist I wish this pie graph I’m working on was made of, or at least about, actual pie.

rudepundit I wish corporations were people. I’d drag Bank of America out of a bar and kick its ass.

LouisPeitzman If I say, “gurl,” that means you look fierce. If I say, “guuurl,” you’re being crazy, or I started saying “gurl” and it turned into a burp.

MassageByTed If only Dorothea Lange had used Instagram, the Depression would’ve been way more awesome.

dingman35 I used to wake up to Kenny Loggins Dangerzone as my alarm but I don’t anymore, because the day can’t possibly get any better after that

slackmistress I still fit into my jeans which means I’ve failed Labor Day.

jerryrenek If you dye your dog’s fur, there should be a special corner of Kansas set aside for you.

toddmarrone The stick figure decals on my car’s rear window represent the people I’ve hit.

mrpilkington Okay last chance for you to give me access to your sweet Manhattan penthouse for a week. I have zero dollars but I will break things.

slackmistress Crappy Diem, amirite?

theleanover Isn’t it embarrassing when you open your laptop up in a classroom and the video player’s still on and instead of porn it’s Star Trek DS9?

LouisPeitzman I’d drive a lot better if you’d just let me win all our Words With Friends games.

willgoldstein Is it bad that I need my twitter and instagram feeds to figure out when I last bathed my child?

morninggloria Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s highly contagious.

shinyinfo You know someone’s got their lyric game locked up when they make a Death of a Salesman reference.

UncleDynamite Every time I see a little kid slither out of a ball pit, I think “Design fail.”

MassageByTed One universal truth about city buses: someone in the back is dying.

badbanana Day five of the Insanity Workout. Ten minutes of talking to a mailbox followed by an hour at McDonald’s with a sword.

ProfessorSnack One man’s junk is another man’s pleasure.

rachow Think I figured out the secret to a bigger dick. Might shoot everyone an email.

posthumanist Literally every Republican presidential candidate looks like they could play Satan in a movie about a Satan president.

muffpunch Dropped the carafe to my espresso maker & broke it. Cleaned up the glass then knocked the machine over & broke it. I’m pretty good at this.

ShaunLetendre Either ‘desperate and lonely’ doesn’t work anymore, or this is a gay bar.

telephase Sometimes, I start trying to play Wu-Tang Clan lyrics on Words with Friends. That’s how I know it’s time to put down the phone.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

 

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Thursday

12 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

badbanana Sorry, kids. Daddy can’t watch you grow up because he has to constantly change the batteries in his Apple wireless keyboard.

stephenharred How is there not already a thing titled “Pimp and Pimpability?”

ProfessorSnack Today I turned Arthur into a jackass. J/K, he did that on his own. – diary excerpt Myrddin Emrys

markleggett The Sherlock Holmes/Batman fan-fiction I’m writing is going great, except they keep making out with each other. Solve some crimes already!
apodixis If you really love your pets you shouldn’t have them fixed. You should to teach them to respect themselves by practicing abstinence.

msbellows I’d be an awesome S.E.A.L. Team commando if we could schedule missions midmorning, after coffee and a couple sit-downs.

notthatkendall There should be some kind of mandatory training for those interested in the privilege of using the “reply all” button.

sarcasmically Angry driver threw a taco at my car, which is a bad way to get me to STOP cutting him off ’cause yum and I wonder how many more tacos he has.

hotdogsladies If a team of in-laws simultaneously Googles you during dinner, be honest, stay calm, then blame the 1000s of boner jokes on “a cyber-virus.”

jillgengler Good to know that the State of IL Central Management Services isn’t blowing our tax dollars on good graphic design.

inktwice Her: ….sss-shit. Me: Sss-shit? Her: I was not going to say it. Me: …but then you thought, “Fuck it.”

BisexualElves I have ennui, which is emo for dropping your iPad.

danforthfrance I just took a stab at the name of the new X-Men movie and came up with “X…Class?” Hello. I am your dad now.

massagebyted It’s bad for Rep. Weiner now, but he’ll feel even worse when I release the pics I got from Michelle Bachman. That lady is hung like a horse.

killorn My dog is always so thrilled to see me come home for however long it takes him to realize I am not carrying a ham in my purse..

sandwichpolice I hung up first. I won the goodbye!

BridgetCallahan You know what the opposite of cool is? A smooth jazz interpretation of the State Farm Good Neighbor song

bridger_w A commercial just asked, “Who says you can’t have your shrimp and eat it too?” I’m not positive, but… Nobody?

kerryhowell Why you don’t have me buy the Costco cake for departing coworkers: it has a dinosaur on it. And “You’re not extinct to us, Lori!” as message.

ApocalypseHow Coincidentally, “Game of Thrones” is what I have long called my ongoing struggle with constipation.

johnmoe Some people like to take a staycation but they go somewhere. It’s called an “awaycation”.

TheBloggess I lost 2 followers after explicitly telling people not to send me nude photos of themselves. I’m sorry to have disappointed both of you.

michaeljnelson Certainly “Roxanne” has been the cause of the most caterwauling followed by involuntary punching.

FakeAPStylebook Thorough research is the key to quality reporting. Read the ENTIRE Wikipedia article before writing your story.

lunchyprices Teens: Don’t do cocaine! Save it for your 30’s when you’ll need it just to watch TV until 10pm.

DanMacEachern I’d be much less worried about all this talk about storing data in the cloud if I didn’t think Lando Calrissian will betray us all.

ProfessorSnack As far as tool names go, “ball peen hammer” has always made me a little uncomfortable.

jszyd Later today, only because of popular request, I am going to fuck myself.

JerryThomas In Hell you will be tormented by every semicolon you have abused. I will see to it. I promise you.

johnmoe My favorite old dead musician is Ol’ Deady Dead Person Twangy Guitar Dead McGillicuddy. He has a new album of duets with his son Jason.

sween When I say “please bear with me” I want you to pretend to be a bear with me.

johnroderick Not to contradict Stevie Nicks, but a one-winged dove would get pecked half to death and then eaten by a raccoon.

squeekzoid “I Ain’t Afraid of No Holy Ghost” #rejectedhymns

theleanover “(Don’t) Beat It” #rejectedhymns

SteveHuff “There is a Fountain Filled With Blood and Poop” #rejectedhymns

sgnp Be nice to everyone in case one guy your sister knew at the music store next to her work becomes DJ Lance Rock. #OverlySpecificLifeLessons

sbellelauren my sundress says “i’m 12!” but my eye makeup says “that’s when i started having sex!”

heyitsurban When you’re hungry enough, they’re all Edible Arrangements.

FlyteAphrodite Doesn’t everyone read angry or offensive emails & texts in Paula Deen’s voice?

.apodixis My neighbors set their car alarm to go off several times every morning until it wakes them. They are creative people who are going to die.

shinyinfo On Captain Picard day, this most holy of days, remember to believe in yourself and that there are four lights.

Brain_Wash Adulthood means realizing that a warm jelly donut possesses 80% of the qualities you’re looking for in a mate.

80sMomKara It’s fine if you need to distance yourself from me for awhile after these Lawrence Welk tweets; I once unfollowed someone over Erkel.

Brain_Wash I wish I had only 99 problems.

tysiscoe Twitter, you auto-complete me.

stevelibrarian Only in NOLA would there be a dude dressing as @exlibris in drag.

SaraJOY So does anyone else think their kids resemble zombies? The wobbling approach, dogged determination, growling, slobbering..

ProfessorSnack If I had a convertible I’d make the transformer noise every time I took the top up or down, like I do when I take my clothes off.

ShutUpAndrosky For my money, there’s no better name to say when you’re sad than Tony Shalhoub.

Sigafoos If crusty French bread were a woman, I’d have committed adultery in my heart many times.

zhandlen Well, thank god Ernie can finally make an honest man out of Bert.

kwmurphy My bologna has a first name. It’s Janet. Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.

sglassmeyer It’s not so much that I’m referring to myself in the third person, but that I call myself “Honey Badger” whist doing so that causes concern.

joseph_ocon Walked up a hill in skinny jeans and now I can’t have kids.

sbellelauren oh all this time i thought FML meant Fondle Martin Lawrence whoops that changes some things

DamienFahey No one would eat oysters if they were named after what they look like, Jeff Goldblum’s ears.

Brain_Wash And my tombstone shall read, “Died doing what he loved. Well, he *said* he loved her.”

TheNextMartha Someone just called my cell and I was too lazy to get it. I only have internet friends now. Raise your hand if it was you.

AFG85 It used to be that I would walk into a room and forget what I was looking for. Now I go to Google and forget what query I was going to put.

atheists Jesus had two dads.

badbanana “He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently.”

JohnFugelsang I seriously haven’t seen Nancy Grace this furious since her bungling henchmen let those Dalmatians escape.

BeTheBoy Didn’t go to the Dodger game because they wouldn’t honor the military discount despite the fact that I was in my KISS Army uniform

LPCookbook I feel impatient waiting for fireworks but it is less because of the magic and more because bitch gotta get up for work in like 9 hours.

antigone_spit My mom: “This is not the Mystery Science version so shut up. But if you want to put a gumball machine on your head feel free.”

LPCookbook I feel sort of like I don’t say the word “douchebag” enough. I mean to people’s faces.

johnmoe The name “Lowly Worm” tells you all you need to know about the brutal Busytown caste system.

daddytwocoats Someone referenced a joke I made in a show on Twitter. This must be how Oprah feels.

thejohnblog “ACCIO JACK DANIELS!”

jimmyfairplay I told my dad how many followers I have. He just pointed at stuff he’d built with his hands. You win this round, dad.

steenyweeny based on how successful my patio garden is, i’m shocked there’s enough food in the world for more than 9 people.

GoGadgetGadget Your condescending tone is so sexy. Look! It’s giving my middle finger a boner.

sgnp Thanks for the sex! #fourwordsaftersex

mrteacup The quality of a relationship can be perfectly measured by the length of a mutually agreed-upon netflix queue.

mattsai I wish life would just hand me lemonade. That would be way easier.

steenyweeny i was up at 5:30 today, so it’s taking special effort to make sure i’m late for work this time.

mattsai The hottest rack a girl has is her book shelf.

inversejaik Learning how to make jelly. My brother: ‘Going for a JAM session?’ Me: ‘I will kill you.’

letsdiefriends When I don’t really tweet much all day, then am suddenly very chatty, you can safely assume I’m pooping.

badbanana My new social network is an empty pickle jar that you can scream anything you want into. Nearby people can comment.

apodixis Sure, no pun was intended. But one could easily have been avoided.

Squirreljustice Can’t I just text M for Murder?

apelad Now the other kids are outside playing that game where you put a ball in a sock and throw it around. I think they learned it in prison.

rolldiggity “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” was the inspiration behind my “RABIES!” t-shirt.

markleggett All of the people who bravely fought for their right to party many years ago now enjoy going to bed on a Saturday night before 9pm.

ApocalypseHow My smartphone is one restaurant-finding app away from being Gollum’s “precious.”

mrfaulty Y’all realize that the internet runs on people stupid enough to click on banner ads?

NASeason I need an “It Gets Better” campaign for newbornhood.

shinyinfo I am a little concerned how Zefram Cochrane is going to invent the warp drive without the Space Program, you guys.

CcSteff My baby is the cutest, whiniest Roomba ever.

sucittaM Dad always said “Time to hit the sack!” before bed. Not sure how getting punched in the testicles helped him sleep, but that was just dad.

giraffrocentric Don’t post shirtless photos of your new boyfriend if you don’t want me to comment about his great tits and then Like my own comment.

Caissie Oh, you’re hung like a horse? That’s so cool! I have a gaping horse vagina! #WhatIWishISaid

Brain_Wash An NPR t-shirt at a farmer’s market is like a tramp stamp at a strip club.

loganfountain “hey there’s that weird lady” – neighbor-kid wearing only underwear sitting in a rain puddle

supDawgiHerd You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

IamMsMoneypenny I still believe in chivalry, like the man paying for the flowers and the dinner, and then, like, paying for other stuff, too.

Superfluously I’ll sleep when my phone’s dead.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Wednesday

11 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

peterbyrnes I believe a lady appreciates a touch of class, which is why I send prospective lovers exquisite watercolors of my junk.

grantpa Sometimes I think, “what does this all mean?” and then I think, “maybe it’s all just random” and then I think, “no, I def said curly fries.”

DamienFahey If you’ve ever stared into an old man’s eyes as life slowly left his body, then you’ve pretty much seen me do a pull-up.

UncleDynamite Yes, of course I’ll do parkour with you. I just need to visit dictionary.com on an unrelated matter first.

slackmistress I’m not on Twitter to impress you. (Except the funny people. And people I went to high school with. And those who want to hire me. LOVE ME!)

danforthfrance I’ve returned from a wedding and I’m back to doing what I do best — forcing my cat to dance with me.

MarinkaNYC I took the “Sent from my Verizon Blackberry” signature off my email. Assume I’m emailing from inside your house.

corrinrenee My mom purse dialed me and all I hear is Tom Jones blaring in the background.

lexthedriver Serious question: Do “sex coupons” expire after you stop dating someone?

Brain_Wash Given the choice between a pack of rabid wild dogs and a pack of bored thirteen year-old girls, I’d first have to ask how big the dogs are.

badbanana I’d like my obituary headline to read: “Local Man’s Struggle With Upstairs Wireless Printer Is Over.”

trelvix I didn’t sleep a wink. This whole “birth certificate” thing has really distracted me. Seriously. Who names their kid “Newt?” Witches, right?

LouisPeitzman If you chant the State Farm jingle three times in a dark bathroom, the agent showsup, but she eats your eyes. 😦

wawoodworth  need to find out who invented yoga pants. I will tend their grave with flowers and small gifts for the rest of my natural life.

Jesus_M_Christ I am with you always, until the very end of time. Well, except for when Real Housewives is on, that’s Me Time.

80sMomKara I’ve got just 24 hrs to figure out what to wear to the Lady Gaga concert. I’m out of trash bags & prosciutto, so this is gonna be tough.

sucittaM When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

michaeljnelson Emus are wondrous, exotic creatures. Let’s melt them down and rub them on our skin.

MrWordsWorth I have taken myself to dinner. I’m so giving myself sex tonight.

johnmoe You might say I’m a triple threat considering how often I threaten people three times in a row.

LouisPeitzman Just got an email from Amazon.com saying, “Don’t sacrifice power for size!” Honestly, it’s a refreshing change from most of the spam I get.

ProfessorSnack Only male hearts have cockles. Female hearts have twatles.

sween Bathing my cat gets me mad pussy.

Bagyants Can you believe our government spends more money than it has? BRB, applying for my 8th credit card.

shinyinfo Walking in on someone dancing to Toto’s “Africa” in your office is not attractive. And for that I apologize.

rilaws Blood your doors everyone, the Lord’s a’comin!

simontarr My wife just called my iPhone “your Palm Pilot.” I have nothing to add.

johnmoe Being a parent is magical. And it’s a giant pain in the ass. It’s giant magical ass pain.

ProfessorSnack 98% of all “cherry” trees are lying to you.

Squirreljustice It feels weird being home on a Saturday night. Not as weird as putting a Breathe Right strip on my taint, but still pretty weird.

NickSchug Twitter has messed me up. Now when someone says something I like in real life, I gently place my hand on their face and whisper “favorite”.

YUCKYBOT Of course, Winnie The Pooh isn’t his real name. It’s Winifred Thaddeus Poopington.

michaeljnelson Yes, I have my supporters in the wider hermit community. Though it is not well known. For some reason.

clairesuddath I want to write a movie called “Spoiler Alert.” The tag line: “They die.”

slapclap How much longer do I need to scrub this spot on the floor? AND DON’T SAY FOREVER, head voices.
DamienFahey Spending the day standing behind cars with back-up cameras dressed like a ninja.

Brain_Wash If you can’t do the math, do the math teacher

LouisPeitzman Just tried to show my ID to a random guy outside this bar. Cool or coolest?.

perronbrothers After I put the pets outside, I like to close the door on them really slowly like the final scene in The Godfather.

mothmun I like to live like there’s no tomorrow; lying in bed, sobbing.

letsgetgizzy I wish a guy would look at me the way the people in the Applebee’s commercial look at those new Sizzling Entrees.

billyeichner I hesitate to celebrate Bin Laden’s death because I remember that time when Roseanne just replaced one Becky with another Becky.

jperrotto They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

rolldiggity When people say “Jesus is my co-pilot,” do they realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no training and zero hours in a flight simulator?

Splurge24 Current Threat Level: Double Rainbow.

michaeljnelson If you air quote while saying the words “air quote” you can actually get sucked into a wormhole.

peterbyrnes If erections lasting over four hours were truly dangerous no male would survive the Junior Prom.

ladybirdj Fast Five is a good name for the jerk off motion you give when you hear about Fast Five.

adamisacson I was watching a nature show. A team of seals killed a penguin and dumped the body in the water. Suddenly, I felt strangely patriotic.

morgan_murphy I went through I phase where I only had sex with Mexican guys. God, I loved my señor year.

joshjs Mom, Sorry I ruined your hoo-ha and then became an atheist. Love, Josh

danforthfrance Maybe you can’t get over the Lakers being assholes, but I’m still hung up on the fact that LA has no lakes.

Zaius13 Is it “Cuntess” or “Cuntress”? I want this Mother’s Day card to be fridge worthy.

editorialgirl Also found a text file called “to do”. Inside: one line. “1) move that paper clip that I keep mistaking for a spider”. #wtf

jendenbrat I’m already placing bets that the next Fast & Furious movie will be called Fastier & Most Furiousest.

iasshole Reading Reader’s Digest is like letting your grandma drive the internet.

bazecraze Those commercials are more fun to watch if you pretend “going to Jared” is code for anal.

rolldiggity I know social media is supposed to replace newspapers, but I’ll never get used to draping myself across homeless people while they sleep.

lilpyrogirl It’s not the sunburned outline of sunglasses that makes me a redneck, it’s that I bought a moonpie & ran over an armadillo on the way home.

mammalpants I like to google things like,”when is the effing apocalypse because I’m burned out. do you hear me god? send a horse on fire soon”

Ahm76After I smelled that flower, I got confused about my sexuality. Am I florasexual? It’s been a long time since anyone’s pollinated my stigma.

tommycm been using ‘bob dylan’ as a euphemism for going to the toilet for some time now.

letsgetgizzy Eating at Arby’s is the new cutting yourself.

notthatkendall I want to thank the makers of Nintendo for making me believe I have the power to fix household objects by just blowing into them.


TheBlackStar Mancave is a gender specific form of poop chute, right?

thejohnblog That breakfast burrito was so good, I spoke to it in Parseltongue.

slackmistress Rapture hasn’t happened in England or Sweden. Which means the US IS GOING TO BE THE NUMBER ONE EXPORTER OF RAPTURLINGS! USA! USA! USA!

antigone_spit It’s the end of the world DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TOWEL IS

isplotchy News: Radiohead singer Thom Yorke held in smalltown Cali jail after drunken brawl at laundromat. PD Chief: “Carmel police, arrest this man!”

mathowie I can’t wait until the Post-Rapture weekend. Once the believers are gone, I’m totally getting gay married to a dog.

rolldiggity What kind of beat would a beet retweet if a beet could retweet beats?

MoRocca I kind of hope I get Left Behind. I need a staycation.

apelad So far the very best part of L.A. Noire is driving off without your partner, watching him try to catch up, then driving off again.

KeepingYouAwake 4 less followers to 400!!! Tell everyone you know! We can do this!

terrenceisdaman Nice try, Nabisco… But I think I’ll decide how many Oreos are in a serving.

peterbyrnes Elton John smiles after cutting the brake line on the wedding limo, and pats the lyrics to “Candle on the Wind III” in his breast pocket.

gordonshumway Can someone please make that daily deal site hire Triumph the Insult Comic Dog? “This cheapo oil change isn’t too shabby. FOR ME TO GROUPON”

probablydrunk Christ, I have risen.

himissjulie “ungrateful biscuit eating son of a bitch!” Oh, there’s a law and order criminal writer somewhere who really had to fight for that line.

catpostrophe FOR WHEN YOU SAW ONE SET OF PAWPRINTS IN THE SAND, IT WAS THEN THAT I RAN AWAY FROM THAT DOG.

MeganBoley There comes a time in a young boy’s life when he must be dressed in jorts and paraded around his dad’s office at lunchtime.


thatgirltricia There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.”

phyllisstein Stress-wise, songs with siren effects are pretty bad, but songs with “New Mail” pings are much worse.

phyllisstein “I love you to pieces” doesn’t make a lick’a sense. “I love you two pizzas”—now that’s a quantifiably huge amount of love.

christianduguay Buy some coasters. Put them in a kitchen drawer. Call friends and let them know you’re an adult now.

markleggett Why are you always trying to cock-block me, guys whose girlfriends I want to bone, people with daughters, the police, and all women?

WhyIsDaddyCryin was in the middle of writing when the thought “what the hell did Salt N Pepa mean by ‘shoop’ anyway?” I hate my brain sometimes.

KeepingYouAwake: My lawnmower has two speeds. One for chasing turtles and one for chasing bunnies. Does anyone else find this troubling?

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Tuesday

10 Jan

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

louispeitzman There’s a thin line between Bette Davis eyes and “You look like a pug-human hybrid.”

wordlust The expression “Shame on you!” isn’t working. We need to invent a shame hose.

KeepingYouAwake Whenever I say “one of these days…” I like to motion at a calendar so people have an idea of when to expect it.

simontarr If I start screaming for an ambulance later, someone remind me that I just ate a ton of beets.

theRratedBull The only reason I know this is the real world and not The Matrix is because my phone malfunctions at least twice a day.

BillCorbett “You are not aware of how aware you are. Are you aware of that? You are, more than you’re even aware!” — my upcoming self-help book

louispeitzman Everything I was into as a kid now terrifies me as an adult: clowns, robots, the United States.

thejennui Did a load of laundry with a chocolate heart in SOMEONE’s pocket. It looks like everything has Pooticles on it.

jasonfleming73 Question from Student: “Can you even beat ‘Robot Unicorn Attack’”?

theRratedBull Mama used to say if you can’t tweet nothin’ good don’t tweet at all. Of course, Twitter wasn’t invented yet so I’m not sure what she meant.

blainecapatch hang in there, baby…friday’s coming! and eventually, death.

colsonwhitehead Because I could not stop for Death, Death was like, Hold up, G.

joseph_ocon I’m in love! Wait. Never mind. I was just sitting in a really comfy position.

louispeitzman Feel free to quiz me on the #superbowl. I already looked up which teams are playing, and I can fill the gaps in my knowledge with Wikipedia.

badbanana Taking this party to the next level, Charlie Sheen style. Just gave a $30,000 check to one of my cats.

joseph_ocon Dude and I exited bathroom stalls at the same time. We locked eyes and he nodded, as if to say, “Hey, bro. We did it.”

louispeitzman This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

markleggett Oh cool, I gained a follower! Hello asshole!

markleggett Oh no, I lost a follower! Come back asshole!

badbanana Tartaur. Half man, half delicious seafood condiment.

sween Planning my fantasy baseball team. Got an elephant pitching. He shoots the ball out of his trunk. That’s as far as I’ve got.

MostShefinitley KY Jelly should change their name to High Fucktose Porn Syrup.

thejohnblog I’m hiding in a bathroom stall at work playing WORDS WITH FRIENDS because last time I checked, this is America.

purple_quark ah, it is #oversharewednesday Well, the dog has diarrhea. My life is now complete.

wordlust A good teacher doesn’t crush souls. A good teacher shows students how to crush their own souls. This ensures the flattest souls possible.

joshuamneff “I resign as leader of Egypt. No, not RESIGN! I REIGN! REIGN! DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!” — Hosni Mubarak

markleggett I’m so super stressed right now, there’s way too many things going on! (two things).

JerryThomas I’ve been touched by so many angels it’s starting to get creepy.

guiltysquid Me: It’s a joke about Jesus. It’s tasteful.
Friend: Why would you make a joke about Mr. Garcia?

GeorgeTakei Dear TSA agent: If you touch my junk, I’m going in with tongue.

DamienFahey If I’m reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.

eareeve Almost pulled a muscle trying to do the Roger Rabbit.

slackmistress Our peeping tom just looked in our windows and waved. That’s the sort of extra effort that makes our peeping tom special.

markleggett Tomorrow is “Bring your cat to work dressed up as an adorable widdle biddy baby Day”. Excited.

markleggett I want to see an Anne Geddes “Where are they now?” calendar, where the babies have to recreate the same photos 20 years later (No dudes).

himissjulie every time I take the toner cartridge out of the printer, shake it around, and put it back in, I think, HELLS YEAH MASTER’S DEGREE

unrealsnow Phrase I got to learn in Spanish today: There’s a car on fire across the street.

loather Cooking dinner while listening to Killing In the Name Of makes dinner feel like a revolutionary act. FUCK YOU I WON’T SERVE WHAT YOU TELL ME

jberthume I am quite pleased with my recent luggage purchase for an upcoming business trip and oh man I am basically an old

MrWordsWorth Sometimes, I actually try to determine which person from Sex & the City I could spend time with, if I had to.

love_drunk When anyone describes the food they’re currently eating as “bomb ass”, I can only assume they mean “diarrhea-inducing.”

danforthfrance Hard hat fell off the wall in my closet’s “hat gallery” and brained me. Not sure what I could have done to prepare for that eventuality.

jaypee_tweets On a scale from 1 to farmville, how annoying are you?

soulpancake Just as birds evolved from dinosaurs, hipsters are direct descendants of nerds, with better plumage and smaller brains.

rendadam Hey Newt, if America turns you on so much, why don’t you marry it? Then divorce it when it gets cancer.

BillCorbett I’m no fan of Dr. Oz, but it’s nice that they finally gave a TV show to a Romulan.

MrWordsWorth Idea: Liam Neeson & Harrison Ford attempt to kidnap each other’s wife and family, wind up falling in love instead.

LizB I want to read a True Blood / Jersey Shore mashup about Snooki Stackhouse. Not really, I just wanted to say Snooki Stackhouse.

louisvirtel If I ever give birth to quintuplets, the first thing I’ll say is “Yahtzee.”

slackmistress I just pulled something while getting up off the couch. Pretty sure this is The American Dream.

markleggett I wish I was sleeping and simultaneously eating a toasted cheese sandwich right now.

GeorgeTakei It sounds simple, but showing up, on time, is what gets you halfway there. Duct tape solves everything else.

Caissie Listening to Paddington Bear audio book in car. Sound drops out several times. Me: Oh no! 8YO: They have to do that because of the swears.

joseph_ocon If I pat you on the back during a hug, I’m tapping out.

TheRedQueen One of my neighbors named their wireless network “shut those fucking dogs up”. Amen dude, amen.

pistolval Ivy made clothing for one of her littlest pet shop dolls out of playdough and is telling all the other dolls: “Lady Squeak Squeak is here!”

Lord_Stewie I went to the store to buy a “Where’s Waldo” book and couldn’t find it. Well played Waldo, well played.

Zaius13 Rock out with your vagina out! Your freakish protruding vagina

matthewbaldwin There’s no business like show business. Well, except taxidermy. Remarkably similar, it turns out.

ethanharrison I hate when bathrooms have timed lights. It’s like I’m trying to defuse a bomb in my pants. If I fail, everything goes black.

KeepingYouAwake Suddenly, and with no reason, parts of The Eagles – Life in the Fast Lane just made sense to me. I must have had a stroke.

markleggett A stranger looked at me while I was wiggling my finger around in my belly button, and I didn’t bother to stop. This is who I am now.

DamienFahey Guy Fieri’s shirts are dangerous. How will anyone know if he’s ever ACTUALLY on fire?

tysiscoe I’m not interrupting you. I’m mercy killing the headless chicken of your point.

dirtyvicar Wow my 200th Tweet! Seems like only yesterday I was saying how cosmically superfluous Twitter is. Well, that was yesterday, but I’m a hypocrite.

Gen_with_a_G Craig and I just had a sarcasm showdown and Sam ran in and shouted “Listen up, guys! Fighting is not cool.” Me 0. Craig -30. Sam 1.
shinyinfo Since the book cart isn’t motorized, I basically just dance around the cart while someone pushes it. #GhostRideTheBookCart

popcandy Confessed my love of jigsaw puzzles to my pal Laura, who replied, “It’s OK, I do puzzles by Thomas Kinkade. He is the painter of light.”

 Zaius13 Pizza gives me a mouth boner.

hateyouprobably Sometimes when my hair is up in a towel, I put towel behind my ears so they stick out and pretend I’m Jennfier Garner.

goldengateblond If I ever start a matchmaking service for senior citizens, I think I’ll call it Carbon Dating.

mathowie My hilarious doctor scheduled my vasectomy on the same day as my only child’s 6th birthday, as if to drive home the point.

RailbirdJ I always get a little sad when I see that I’m losing followers. Then I realize they’re all just spambots. I’M NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR SPAM!

KeepingYouAwake Every time you have a typo, an IKEA product gets a name.

KTwithaC My tailor made my bridesmaid dress to tight. At least now I will be able to rest my head on my boobs when I get tired.

Zaius13 News shows should fill that awkward satellite delay time with vintage footage of a chimp operating a switchboard.

Krud Whenever I hear the term “Cloud Computing,” I imagine something like: “Analyzing, Please Wait.. *hourglass* Results: It looks like a bunny.”

slackmistress I don’t wear clean underwear in case I’m in an accident. I wear clean underwear in case my vagina is haunted.

Molly_Kats Going to church doesn’t make you a good person. Try not being an asshole instead.

shinyinfo For the 8th year in a row I’m giving up Jesus for Lent. #Classic

ryanmer I just counted 4 different homeless people sleeping on the grass. It’s springtime at the library!

thecheckoutgirl Look, if they didn’t want me to have a minty fresh clitoris then why in the world did they invent a vibrating toothbrush?

EvenMoreSarah Fuck a whole bag of this day.

justingibson What do you do when you’re at work and you cough so hard a fart happens. (I’m asking for a friend.) #urgent

LOD Old Spice’s ad campaign has become so weirdly surreal that I’m now frightened not to use it.

crom74 If love can build a bridge, then hate will build a fence for me next weekend. I’m tired of neighbor’s dogs shitting in & digging up my yard.

VHStapes2 Parenting is an amazing neverending task for superhumans. I assume you all do cocaine heavily.

danharmon I’ve chosen my tribal name. Tell your children, so they might tell their children, the legend of Owns One Shirt That Fits.

Bagyants I can trace most of my problems to my dad asking me what teabagging is.

Krud May you always have an app for that. #FakeIrishSayings

YUCKYBOT Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “MAY CAUSE AWESOME CHOREOGRAPHY!”

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.