Tag Archives: Tweet of the Week

Follow Friday: Grocery Store

7 Oct

Here I am, taking photos of my kid in the grocery store. Again. Enjoy!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

rstevens The glass can be half-full, but my battery will always be half-empty.

keli_h oh, nothing … just sitting here eating cold leftover rotisserie chicken out of a baggie.

lovegrrbottle So we thought the giant metal contraption left in our garage was a large composter, but turns out it’s a large bingo wheel. We win?

thegrumbles model home toilets DO work. #tipoftheday

theleanover Prof just walked by and looked at my screen: Twitter, Favstar, Night Court. I’m now out of the B range.

allisonthemeep Audrey is saying, “meow” and pointing at the computer. Time for some serious kitty video watching on youtube, you guys.

trumpetcake My hand puppet doesn’t take requests, it only sings “Moon River” at the top of its lungs. Everyone in this Bloodmobile is loving it!

Athenabee Autocorrect correct just made me sign an email message as Mafia Brocus 😡

lovegrrbottle @Cre8BeautyDaily @milonguera there was the time I taught my little brother to say “I wanna be a stripper!” when he grew up.

MeganBoley Goals: pay bills. Procure Chipotle. #aimhigh

EvenMoreSarah Apple introduced a new phone. If you like Apple, you may be interested. If you don’t, you may not be. There. That’s a whole day of tweets.

ProfessorSnack Like the premium cable companies, I will start offering new tweet content on a limited basis every 1 1/2 years. We’re between seasons now.

MrWordsWorth That bag of Doritos was the second best lover I ever had.

steenyweeny why is my eyeball quivering? what does it know that my brain does not?

GoonSquadSarah If a bowl of Count Chocula has 10% the recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C, then I need to eat 10 bowls of it. Right?

hotdogsladies My benchmarks say iPhone 4 is now getting “accidentally dropped on the sidewalk” 46% more often than previous things we don’t tell our wife.

MassageByTed A lot of people in the Midwest seem to think that it’s possible to dress up a sweatshirt.

johnmoe Little known fact: Chris Christie’s full name is Christopher Chris Christo Topher Kristofferson Christie Kristi Vicki Barcelona.

adiopink The only time the front doorbell rings is when someone is selling something. I should probably take the insincere “Welcome” plaque down.

slackmistress I love when @betheboy & I tag-team dinner. (By that I mean we individually have sex with our dinner.)

PlumeriaSprite @exlibris You need a black widow killing Helper Roomba.

maggiesox I am so very glad we didn’t watch Dexter during dinner.

mermaidpants Someone in the library is singing “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King.”

80sMomKara Hipsters: Now you pretend to not care how silly you look. When you get to be my age, you won’t care for real.

ProfessorSnack According to Twitter, “The” appears to be the most popular first name given to babies for the last couple of decades.

Angel__Bee Nothing says professionalism like finding peanut butter in your work bag.

real_danimal Some days it is Difficult. You may find it hard to Do Things. Here is a slogan you may want to repeat: Proceed As If Not Doomed.

bitchylibrarian I just found chocolate on my forehead. So THAT’S where that went.

eihposa Peggy Bundy is my spirit animal

OngoingBS Rappers are soft. I wish I only had 99 problems.

BillCorbett If you love someone, set them free! (“Them” = all those other people you kidnapped and imprisoned, annoying your loved one.) #grammar #Sting

lindseylu Was eaten by mosquitoes the other night so I guess they’re my boyfriend now.

markleggett Where do burps go? Heaven?

badbanana I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle.

killorn Of all the things you can say about @courtneystodden, “master of alliteration” is probably the most surprising.

MmeSurly I just pulled way too many muscles to ever be considered young again.

theleanover Went to three art galleries today. Symphony tonight. Just in case you need a reason to beat me up, jocks.

LPCookbook Help I am in Urban Outfitters

Squirreljustice Thinking about moving back to NC and opening a chain of consignment stores called “Play It Again Jorts.”

jonniker If Dexter ruins my crush on Mos Def, I’m going to be PISSED. He’s one of my most sacred longtime fake boyfriends.

Lilacmess Got to hear a 4 yr old sing Flo Rida today at the shooting range. That’s pretty high on the Reno Scale.

theleanover Installed rabbit ears on my mom’s TV. The only channel we get shows football so now I’m being forced into manhood.

UnicornFlavored I like to not look a twitter for 5 hours and then reply to all your old tweets.

shinyinfo Is there cleaning staff on the Enterprise or is there just an army of roombas?

FlyteAphrodite The Time Traveler’s Wife movie has stuff in it I forgot from when I read the book. Apparently there’s a character that travels through time.

ClevelandPoet Not only did I talk to my shoelaces as they came untied but what I said was “are you serious bro?” #wwwyki

bitchylibrarian I just put my hoodie on backwards. It’s going to be that kind of day.

beingthefunmama Anytime I see or hear “Istanbul,” I must sing “Not Constantinople.”

dejah_thoris I think my jeans are finally baggy enough to start that #nerdcore rap career I’ve been threatening to get into.

ecsuperhero I wasn’t sore after running six miles, but after scrubbing the kitchen floor, I can hardly walk. Housework is dumb.

anneheathen Just picked up no fewer than 14 dog toys from the living room. We have 2 dogs. This is what DINKs do.

UnicornFlavored My kid suddenly doesn’t like pizza? I’d send her back, but she’s a lot bigger than she was when she came out.

allisonthemeep “I believe children are the future.” – Whitney Houston. WRONG! It’s robots.

BugginWord OH: Irish fairies are jerks-always kidnapping babies and stuff. Stay away from those woodland creeps. #ILoveBookStores

TheRedQueen Groupon just offered me 82% off a pearl necklace. Slow down, Groupon, you are moving a little fast.

EvenMoreSarah I want a week alone in a hotel room with no obligations outside of drinking and getting my hair highlighted.

Angel__Bee Apparently not one, but two people were brought to my blog through the search “baby hamsters.”

Lilacmess I’m going to write a memoir about my experience here. I’ll call it: “My Life as a PhD Student: Fear, Doubt, Uncertainty, and Syfy TV.”

stevelibrarian Knuffle Bunny #fridayreads

lauracope LOL like nobody’s watching. thanks for making my Friday, dudebrah on the Coupa patio.

crunchyvtmommy I’m giving this baby my phone and spacing out for the next 18 months.

jenstatsky Every rose has its thorn. Every office has its Sheila.

TheRedQueen If I ever figure out who is the one letting their dogs bark all night I will find a way to pipe the sound of my kid screaming in their house.

milonguera A not quite 4 year old’s version of a fire drill is super awesome. Half telling you what to do and lots of THERE WAS NO REAL FIRE soothing.

Mama_Mash So, my husband’s first Klout perk…was a denim trucker hat. WOW.

pistolval Driving by the high school always reminds me to start saving for boarding school.

willradik The world around us exists because some atoms want to give an electron and some want to take it. That’s right. Atoms are doin’ it. #science

helgagrace I love Past Anna. She put M&Ms in my drawer for just this sort of moment.

mat Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I find myself wishing commenters had to enter a home address to register so I could bring them cookies

sgnp I imagine Heck is a broken-down amusement park version of Hell. Pretty empty, nothing really works. The Darned shuffle lazily, bored.

notthatkendall The fact that working from home and streaming Netflix have grown in popularity at about the same time can’t be a coincidence.

LisaMcIntire Free campaign idea: send cantaloupes to any candidate or elected official railing against food safety laws.

Athenabee I want to put shock collars on the neighbours that leave their dogs out to bark 20 hours a day. Not the dogs, the actual neighbours.

FlyteAphrodite The question, folks, is whether or not I can locate a building that’s on the same street as my own home.

colsonwhitehead It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Nothing good comes easy, people.

mikeleffingwell For my audition, I will be doing a monologue from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: “Meow! Fuck that’s hot! My paw pads! A tin roof? A TIN roof?!”

whithonea I can’t believe my kids want to eat AGAIN. They just had breakfast 5 hours ago.

EmperorNorton Sincere conservatives, broadminded centrists, and thoughtful progressives made this country great. The #teaparty wants to undo that.

elliemce Thanks for holding the door open for me, but I’ve been practicing opening doors for months, so this is kinda supposed to be my moment.

jerryrenek Every generation gets the nip slip it deserves.

slackmistress If you can’t beat ’em, create a master race of tiny robots to destroy them.

MassageByTed Employees must wash hands before fist-bumping.

Greeblemonkey Working on a school project with Dex, where he has to build a model of a building. He chose – wait for it – The Muppet Theater.

WindsorGrace My mom just said her dog is the Jackie Kennedy of dogs.

steenyweeny trying to clean the kitchen from my bed is challenging but i’m pretty sure i can do it.

LouisPeitzman The fact that I’m watching Halloween: Resurrection means that Tyra Banks has already won.

shinyinfo I hope Obama somehow incorporates “Bringing back Arrested Development” into his 2012 campaign.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – A Win for Team Rainbow

1 Jul

Today’s Follow Friday post includes several photos of Isobel, from last year, grinning from ear to ear. They kill me each time I look at them. I’m also posting some photos of the rag cupboard because not only are they useful, but they used to be (and sometimes still are) some of Isobel’s favorite toys.

Last Friday New York state passed the Marriage Equality Act, making it legal for same-sex couples to wed. This edition of Follow Friday celebrates this act as a victory not just for the LGBT community but for humanity in general, because when we decided to that equality is for everyone,  we grow as a nation. America, I’m proud of us.

And finally, ALA ’11 recently took place in New Orleans, and apparently there was a rumor I was in attendance. Nothing would have pleased me more than to spontaneously show up at a library conference full of my favorite people, but alas, I was at home. Apparently it was just some dude who said his name was ‘exlibris’ which made me want to fly to NOLA to kick his ass while humming the highlander theme. Fortunately (for him), I was fresh out of airline miles.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

stevelibrarian Only in NOLA would there be a dude dressing as @exlibris in drag.

telephase The “@exlibris is here” rumor is one of my favorite of the conference. People were like “Oh Snap, party just went to 11!” #RealALA

massagebyted Daily codicil: My obituary needs to list my turn-ons and turn-offs.

GingerAvengerrr Canada needs to get some real bacon.

SaraJOY So does anyone else think their kids resemble zombies? The wobbling approach, dogged determination, growling, slobbering.

iasshole I’m going to start a show called Sons of Gynecology where the doctors make vroom vroom noises when they open the speculum.

iHubby Corduroy is like the “cock-block” of the pants world.

librarian_lali Instead of toys/souvenirs, I’ve been purchasing picture books at ALA and getting them signed for my sons. #librarianmom

heyitsurban I would honestly watch a whole channel that was just Fox News with a laugh track.

ProfessorSnack Whenever someone mentions malamute I picture a chocolate covered marshmallow dog that doesn’t bark.

eshep Wouldn’t it be cool if one day Michael Bay wanted to make a movie with rad special effects that was good?

freudiantypo Save me from myself. #toomanypopsicles

PolyesterPony I would like these movie suggestions to represent the intelligent man that I want to be and not the tasteless drama queen that I am.

ProfessorSnack If I had a convertible I’d make the transformer noise every time I took the top up or down, like I do when I take my clothes off.

killorn I’m just going to sit back for a bit and let my Weiner’s Circle t-shirt do the talking.

smonkyou New Twitter contest. One follower will win the right to deliver me a falafel sandwich and fries to me to work tomorrow. Good luck!

val_forrestal My mop leaked cleaning solution all over the floor, but it evaporated. I went to wash it off, & stopped. It’s floor cleaner. On the floor.

ShutUpAndrosky For my money, there’s no better name to say when you’re sad than Tony Shalhoub.

Sigafoos If crusty French bread were a woman, I’d have committed adultery in my heart many times.

pistolval how many ct scans can you have before you grow a tail? Cause I’ve always wanted a tail.

theleanover Ironically, the most controversial aspect of the Harry Potter series is that Hogwarts teaches wizard evolution. #HarryPotter8Twists

AOAM_Librarian I e-mailed my boyfriend to tell him I hurt myself & his response? “If they have to amputate you better get a parrot and an eye patch.”

modinkpeeb Number of hours I plan on spending on CuteOverload.com today: All of them.

oodja Headdesk to the Headdeskth Power

batemanimation The local movie theater’s marquee reads “Bad Teacher Cars,” which I imagine is about some ’91 Ford Escorts that don’t play by the rules.

oodja Who knew so much of modern librarianship would involve unplugging things and plugging them back in again to get them to work?

babybabylemon Some evil genius should start a blog meme with answers to those new random banking question. Favorite pet? Favorite teacher? First roommate?

sglassmeyer It’s not so much that I’m referring to myself in the third person, but that I call myself “Honey Badger” whist doing so that causes concern.

TheNextMartha Dropping pie on my keyboard is almost like a baptism.

80sMomKara You know the quality of Netflix Instant offerings is on the decline when you find yourself adding “Hangin’ with William Hung” to your queue.

jenifersf Harry Potter and the New Carl’s Junior Magic Sourdough Onion Burger #ProductPlacementFilms

unsupervised Y Tu Mama Ambien #ProductPlacementFilms

mocoddle Sophie’s Taster’s Choice #ProductPlacementFilms

IronyNOW Tango and Cash4Gold #ProductPlacementFilms

InfiniteChicken No Country For Old Navy #ProductPlacementFilms

mojoshowbiz Miracle-Gro Presents The Constant Gardener #ProductPlacementFilms

lilpyrogirl Applying freeze-away to my plantar wart like the sexy goddess that I am.

alonelyargonaut It’s hard to enjoy transformers 3 over the painful red white and blue erection.

sbellelauren finally figured out the key to enjoying yourself at pool parties is showing up right when everyone is too drunk to take pictures anymore.

danforthfrance Ud I find the guy who taught my phone the word “ud,” he’s getting a knuckle sandwich.

robogirl Well, my undies say “sure thing” on the back and the bf didn’t tell me before we left that you can see it through my dress.

mathowie Every time a Canadian says “eh” a maple tree gets its leaves

louisvirtel I stole a piece of Dentyne Fire from my mom’s purse. Just like Prometheus.

lafix All I know is it said ‘Smooth Ranch Dip’ and when I opened the jar a Sade song played and now my clothes are on backwards.

joshjs Catsitting update: Pretty sure cat #2 has been behind the couch for about 48 hrs now. Ordered jaws of life from Amazon Prime, just in case.

TwoAdults The Dos Equis man simultaneously makes me laugh and wonder if his skin is made of leather/beef jerky.

theleanover After reviewing my 8th grade bio textbook and I can say with certainty there’s no way three men could have a baby. Your move, Guttenberg.

jenkanable0204 My husband just emailed me from the toilet. Tell me we’re not the only couple who does this.

rolldiggity Today’s penny pinchers are tomorrow’s nickel gropers.

johnmoe In nearly all cultures, there is a folkloric character of Fonzie. Some call him Phon-say or Famzee but it’s the same idea.

DevonSuter I’m glad no one picked up on the fact I was in New York the same day Justin Bieber was attacked outside Macy’s.

adamisacson Our military spends billions on “amphibious warfare.” What a waste. If someone comes at you with a newt, it’s really not very intimidating.

joseph_ocon Walked up a hill in skinny jeans and now I can’t have kids.

theleanover Today’s holy moment: turning the corner and facing 16 of Warhol’s Jackies. I almost knelt and blessed myself.

letsgetgizzy Now that I have glasses, totally get the whole “HD” thing.

TheRedQueen Missing coupons found in a drawer. In the fridge. Sometimes I wonder about myself.

sbellelauren oh all this time i thought FML meant Fondle Martin Lawrence whoops that changes some things

reverendadam Knowing how much Chuck Norris must hate this victory for marriage equality, someone should make a gay porn called “Walker Tex, Ass Ranger”.

DamienFahey No one would eat oysters if they were named after what they look like, Jeff Goldblum’s ears.

BillCorbett My dog just pooped on an anthill, causing great chaos and upheaval. Years from now ant politicians will say that “6-26 Changed Everything.”

Caissie I am literally going to start using the word “figuratively” like other people use the word “literally”.

Brain_Wash And my tombstone shall read, “Died doing what he loved. Well, he *said* he loved her.”

FlygirlWS Yep, topnotch parenting happening in this house tonight. @joelsinclair just constructed the new “robotic hand” to give the middle finger.

TheNextMartha Someone just called my cell and I was too lazy to get it. I only have internet friends now. Raise your hand if it was you.

shinyinfo More exciting ALA news! I just finished a nap. #ALAnap

AFG85 It used to be that I would walk into a room and forget what I was looking for. Now I go to Google and forget what query I was going to put.

Greeblemonkey I just made a sign for our sangria party with the password to our wifi. These times, they have a changed.

theleanover I’m Canadian, so I get to be smug about gay marriage laws. Also, since 1978, it’s been legal to marry a beaver in the Northwest Territories.

joshjs Potential Mixed Drink Recipe Book Name: The Imbible

JerryThomas USA Today is the Olive Garden of journalism.

BoweKnows The bushier a guy’s beard, the more he wants to talk about IPAs.

sandwichpolice “Do you want a mess of nachos?” “Is that an actual unit of measure?” “Only for nachos.”

meganamram I’m like 87% about the Benjamins

LouisPeitzman Language has evolved to the point where, “Is that a thing?” is a legitimate question.

adampknave Why does fortune never favor the italic?

TheHoyBoy I think its about time that a Klondike Bar start doing stuff for us.

peterbyrnes I’m beginning to suspect the psychotic break I’ve been anticipating actually happened a while ago.

JillMorris Decided to take up knitting. So far, I’ve only knitted a pink thong for a newborn. Sell it to you for your baby.

naglum I want to see the episode of Man Vs. Food where he eats a massive, unfathomable amount of dicks.

KelleysBreakRm Female sperm whales & male ladybugs should start a support group.

sucittaM If you pull up to a stoplight with your music louder than mine you better be prepared to rap-battle me.

BillWillingham A hundred thousand screaming mad librarians are about to be unleashed on the city. No one can tear up a town like librarians.

atheists Jesus had two dads.

ApocalypseHow I am so gay for New York right now. #equality

Jesus_M_Christ Dad bless New York.

ladybirdj Hey NY, the terrorists didn’t win.

petersagal Ok, gay NYers. Now you stop having sex until they propose. We call it “making them buy the cow.” I’ll explain later.

TweetsofOld “Gay New York” will be the attraction at the Opera House tonight. VA1906

thejohnblog The Statue Of Liberty is looking FAAAABULOUS.

TurboGrandma Congratulations, New York gays! If you thought your hopes and dreams were being repressed before, just you wait!

AmandaMarcotte I just have one request to Gov. Cuomo: Don’t let your girlfriend make a commemorative cake.

sucittaM Iowa just lost the ONE THING we had on New York. Congrats.

michaelianblack Okay New York, you’ve legalized gay marriage. Can you now please outlaw everybody peeing all over everything?

zhandlen Well, thank god Ernie can finally make an honest man out of Bert.

wilw Six states down, forty-four to go. Come on, California, you’re embarrassing me.

timcarvell He said yes.

LisaMcIntire INTERNET: please make gifs of NY senators fist-pumping for marriage equality victory.


justinstoned Accepting Marriage Proposals. I keep my name & you pay my college loans.

KenTremendous HUGE NEWS: human beings now being given extremely basic civil rights in New York in a way that adversely affects no one!

LouisPeitzman You know I care deeply about an issue when I’ll tweet about it without fear of losing Twitter followers.

AFER Equality is not a partisan issue, but an American value.

SonofBaldwin Thank you to all the GOP senators who had the vision to understand that some things are more important than their careers.

danhklein I always cry at legislative debates over weddings #ssm

DaveHolmes As we celebrate tonight, let’s spare a warm thought for our opponents, who lost absolutely nothing.

LPCookbook I feel sort of like I don’t say the word “douchebag” enough. I mean to people’s faces.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Follow Friday – Have Some iPhone Photos!

24 Jun

So much has happened in just the three short weeks since I retired from the library to work at home with my toddler. Next week I’ll post about my experience of staying at home and the ways in which it’s much different than I thought it’d be. We start swimming lessons soon and I’ve been working out on the elliptical almost daily. As a family we’ve been pouring time and energy into the backyard and my husband friend Jacob have taken it upon themselves to build the pergola that I’ve always wanted. I’ve been so busy with my photography that I haven’t been able to add to my Etsy shop yet, but I hope to soon. And speaking of Etsy, my Aunt (the one who made Isobel this DIY Kitchen set) has opened an Etsy shop of her own! She’s constantly creating and making amazing things using all sorts of mediums. She’s adding more stuff to her shop every day, so visit often. Today’s Follow Friday features photos of things we’ve been up to. Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

nanoblossom Just found out “obsequious” does not mean covered in sequins. This stupid world.

michelevgreen The deity of naps has shined his mighty face upon our household!!!! I will personally take any UPS man to the ground that tries to come here

JerryThomas In Hell you will be tormented by every semicolon you have abused. I will see to it. I promise you.

theleanover Everything’s a tragedy when it’s on fire. Except clowns.

johnmoe My favorite old dead musician is Ol’ Deady Dead Person Twangy Guitar Dead McGillicuddy. He has a new album of duets with his son Jason.

PopCulLibrn My new curse word should be “Marmaduke.” Has a certain ring to it.

JLYoungsma I just had to sneak into the bathroom, so I can pee by myself. This is a new norm.

Disalmanac Today is the first day of summer. If you have not yet chosen your summer jam, one will be assigned to you. You’ve been warned.

RL_Stine Real Fan Letter: Dear R.L., I am your devoted fan. You are my second favorite author.

ieatmykidzsnack Kim Kardashian says she’s obsessed w/guys who have tiny ears. Well they say “tiny ears = Unable to hear when a woman is a fucking idiot.”

pistolval Enjoying a milkshake: homemade vanilla honey ice cream, caramel & roasted cinnamon. My shake may indeed bring all the boys to the yard.

jillgengler Henry saw muddy dog prints on the tile from this morning and asked, very excitedly, if Santa had come while we were gone.

modinkpeeb The fuck does Paula Deen need her own frame line? I hate everything.

MagpieLibrarian When I get bored at work, I make the kids play practical jokes on the circulation staff.

Sigafoos OKAY, WHO HAS THE USERNAME SIGAFOOS AT THE WEBKINZ SITE? I am trying to register a prairie dog.

johnroderick Not to contradict Stevie Nicks, but a one-winged dove would get pecked half to death and then eaten by a raccoon.

rachaelosborn When I was a kid I would have never guessed that grownups sometimes nap on the floor of the conference room on their lunch breaks.

squeekzoid “I Ain’t Afraid of No Holy Ghost” #rejectedhymns

theleanover “(Don’t) Beat It” #rejectedhymns

theleanover “Isaac’s Such A Drama Queen” #rejectedhymns

NicLewis Buddha, You So Fine. #rejectedhymns

YWGSourpuss 10 Commandments and a Bitch Ain’t One of ‘Em #rejectedhymns

theleanover 99 Luftballons With Jesus’ Face On Them #rejectedhymns

theleanover Jesus Loves Meat #rejectedhymns

matthewcreid You Can Always Crash on Heaven’s Couch #rejectedhymns

theleanover Rhiannon #rejectedhymns

SteveHuff “There is a Fountain Filled With Blood and Poop” #rejectedhymns

danforthfrance I’ve been quiet on Twitter lately because I’ve been familiarizing myself with the works of Karl Ditters Von Dittersdorf and doing your mom.

JLYoungsma” I wanna open a maternity store and call it We’re Fucked.”

louisvirtel Thank you, Dad, for responding to my coming-out this way: “Then why do you eat like a barbarian?”

simontarr There was bacon. There were video games. This is a good Father’s Day.

theleanover My sister’s taking me out for lunch today! Actually, we’re just meeting for lunch but I don’t have any money.

TwoAdults “Hey, Ezra! Smell these peonies! They smell great.” “I don’t want too! I don’t like panties!”

markleggett I was raised on the street! (Sesame).

sgnp Be nice to everyone in case one guy your sister knew at the music store next to her work becomes DJ Lance Rock. #OverlySpecificLifeLessons

joshjs OH: Baby Admiral Ackbar: “IT’S A CRAP!”

gonnakillhim You know you’re middle-aged when the friend you’re dancing next to says, ‘I’m gonna have to get that foot surgery after this.’

jerryrenek My Zen garden feels complete now that the topiary Dead Kennedys logo has sprouted some scrumptious berries.

sarcasmically My kids just busted into an a cappella version of Notorious B.I.G.’s “Hypnotize”, further confirming my excellent parenting skills.

aspaul If I were to fill out a dating profile, I would definitely list ‘grocery shopping’ under turn-ons.

shariv67 Ads for sperm donors on the subway feel superfluous somehow..

theleanover Bestiality is definitely wrong, but everyone gets curious thoughts about blowholes at some point in their life.

adamisacson It was only a matter of time until you’d be hacked with a web-server password like “w4t3rb04rdLOL,” CIA.

sbellelauren my sundress says “i’m 12!” but my eye makeup says “that’s when i started having sex!”

thebenbrooks Here’s how we pay off the debt. “Yard Sale Across America”. All we need are some blankets, shit we don’t want and then we call up China.

DangerGuerrero UNDISPUTED SCIENCE FACT: 80-90% of sex-related injuries occur less than two hours after creating a Prince station on Pandora.

EvenMoreSarah Got a knitting email with the subject line “How to place buttonholes evenly.” You can guess what I thought it said at first glance.

FlyteAphrodite Doesn’t everyone read angry or offensive emails & texts in Paula Deen’s voice

modinkpeeb You guys, I’m just gonna stay right here in 1996.

heyitsurban When you’re hungry enough, they’re all Edible Arrangements.

LouisPeitzman I can relate to Radiohead’s “Creep” except for the part about thinking anyone else is special.

muffpunch “What’s better than a happy smiling baby?” “Personal freedom and disposable income?” “You make it really hard to talk to you sometimes.”

NowAPisces I’m starting to use the wrong return address on my letters.
It’s tough to convince myself I don’t live at 502 Bad Gateway.

apodixis Fantastic sun dress weather today! I love cross-dressing in the summer.

UncleDynamite That was so gnarly. / Like so totally gnarly. / Seriously. Whoa! #keanuhaikus

ShabazOSU Gone in 60 Seconds, #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

MarylandMudflap Chitty Chitty Bang Bang #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

zhakesullee The Color Purple. #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

ActionJansen This Is It #Describeyourpeniswithamovie

DanaLishs Toy Story. #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

theleanover Shaft #Describeyourpeniswithamovie

kwmurphy Old Yeller #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

SimonJLevene Home Alone #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

DCpierson Up #Describeyourpeniswithamovie

BenMcCool The Last Temptation of Christ #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

mackmm Bat Out Of Hell, The E! True Hollywood Story of Meatloaf #Describeyourpeniswithamovie

lovehatesociety I changed out of my Joy Division shirt and into a New Order one. People said I looked “slightly happier.”

apodixis My neighbors set their car alarm to go off several times every morning until it wakes them. They are creative people who are going to die.

shinyinfo On Captain Picard day, this most holy of days, remember to believe in yourself and that there are four lights.

Brain_Wash Adulthood means realizing that a warm jelly donut possesses 80% of the qualities you’re looking for in a mate.

ProfessorSnack We complain that the weekend can’t come soon enough, then complain @ how quickly it’s over. We’re sexual partners who can’t make up our mind.

ebertchicago “A gentleman does not boast about his junk.” (Emily Post)

80sMomKara It’s fine if you need to distance yourself from me for awhile after these Lawrence Welk tweets; I once unfollowed someone over Erkel.

adiopink Got the car fixed today. Now the lawn mower isn’t working. The universe remains in balance.

stevetweeters When it’s 100 degrees at 8pm, one will seriously re-evaluate their stance on kilts.

badbanana How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice your iPhone navigation skills.

Brain_Wash I wish I had only 99 problems.

shariv67 Not unlike Clarke Kent, I have to wear my glasses in public because you couldn’t handle this sexy at 100% power. Also they hide my eye bags.

tysiscoe Twitter, you auto-complete me.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Welcome to the Jungle

14 Jun

Anthony, our good friend Jake, and my Father-in-law spent a very rainy Saturday morning installing sod in our our backyard so Isobel can have a lovely green place to run around this summer. We ended up texting Jacob first thing in the morning and said something like, “Hey, do you want to come over in an hour and help us lay sod? On a Saturday morning? In the rain?” And he did! He gets the Awesome Friend Award.

In frustrating news, our neighbors have a very expensive little terrier dog that is naturally the bane of our neighborhood’s existence. Constantly barking, always digging holes and getting loose, frequently running in the path of oncoming traffic, and (of course) taking dumps on everyone’s lawn, this dog is just basically an asshole. He’s been in our yard on a near daily-basis this summer, and I’m torn about it. On the one hand, here’s a tiny, helpless, innocent animal. And I could never hurt an animal. I love animals.

But when I see that little dog running around on our new lawn I lose it. My vision goes red, I start imagining some wicked guitar licks, and I can hear myself saying, “You know where you are? You’re in the Jungle, baby! You’re gonna DIE.” And then I fight the urge to punt him over the fence like a football player that… punts stuff. (I don’t really know where to go with that. My knowledge of football starts and ends with punting. And cheese dip.)

Here are some not lovely shots of our lawn for you to compare to the gloriousness that is the top photo of our finished lawn. I call it, “A Tragedy for All Seasons.”

Here we have winter, when  green patches flourish among the dirt.

And then we have spring! When the weeds make it look like we have some sort of lawn-ish.

Ah, summer. When the lawn is dead and the wisteria is once again angling for world domination.

And fall. Everything is dead and sharp and painful and the sand is so hot the parts of you that aren’t stabbed are burnt on its molten surface. Wear shoes, or regret leaving the house.

Tired of waiting for our troubled neighbor to get rid of the pond like we arranged, Anthony finally took a sledgehammer to the whole thing and filled it in with rocks and lawn clippings and dirt and now we have a little garden area complete with drainage.

Here’s the lawn area, ready to be tilled. It was sunny the days we prepped the lawn area, but rainy by the time we got it down.

While Anthony toiled away in the sun, I watched Isobel on the weekends while I was home. I was finishing up the school year at this point. She loved climbing on the piles of dirt. She called them “mountains.”

Here’s Isobel’s infamous “cheese face.” She makes this or some other weird approximation when I hold the camera up and say, “cheese.” I love it.

Here she is asking where Jupey is. Most likely he’s hiding from that asshole neighbor dog.

Follow Friday – The D Cup

10 Jun

See that bit of nature up there? It is the reason why the D cup isn’t with us today. Well, that and a certain 25lb cat.

I found the D cup while thrifting. It was so gorgeous–a delicate glass cup monogrammed with an Old English-style “D” in gold, wreathed by laurel leaves. I was going to sell it in my shop, but first I was going to fill it with flowers and nature and take some photographs. My mistake was leaving it unattended. I keep forgetting that Zorro will do anything to DESTROY DESTROY DESTROY the natures. In an effort to eat the leaves and berries I put in the vase, he knocked it off a shelf and destroyed it. Boo.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Zaius13 Area man gets gist of Onion article after first paragraph, stops reading.

RestlessLori Today I will honor the shaving of my pits by wearing a maxi dress. #youarewelcome

TheSuniverse Since it’s so hot, I’m thinking I’ll put bags of frozen peas in my clothes. I’ll cool off AND make a side dish!

charlesthomas “And then Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves using his heat vision, because George Washington died for your sins.” #PalinHistory

SadnessRUs Life is very long. Very very very very very very very long. Really long. So. Long. And for most of it, you’ll be very tired.

danforthfrance I just took a stab at the name of the new X-Men movie and came up with “X…Class?” Hello. I am your dad now.

MrWordsWorth Josh Duhamel will return to All My Children. After you’ve been in a Michael Bay film, that’s a step up.

thejohnblog When computers become self aware, you can spot the douchebags easily. They’ll be the ones wearing their CAPTCHA sideways.

adam_fogle Beyonce could sing the phone book and I’d still think it was amazing that they continue to make phone books.

TheBlackStar @exlibris I played countless hours of [Kid Icarus] myself, and who knows how many of those as an eggplant.

FlyteAphrodite “Live in the moment”?! That advice sucks. You live in my shitty moment. I’m going to live in my fantasy future where everything goes right.

LouisPeitzman Just read a comment that said, “Society today has gone crazy.” I think that’s YouTube for, “Everything since the Dark Ages upsets me.”

thomashawk I sure hope what happened to Anthony Weiner doesn’t happen to Barbara Bush.

markleggett I only get interested in how my office chair is constructed when I have something important to do. Is this bit welded? It looks very welded.


mariadiaz FAMOUS MEN: Once again, I can teach you how to sext and how to delete pics from your phone. Special discount this week! DM me.

Glinner “I was hacked” is this century’s “a witch did it”.

wishing4horses So a guy took a picture of his penis then sent it to a girl? No way!

TheRedQueen Phone tree is making me homicidal. “it sounds like you said you wanted to stab me in the face, is this correct” #ohverymuchso

massagebyted It’s bad for Rep. Weiner now, but he’ll feel even worse when I release the pics I got from Michelle Bachman. That lady is hung like a horse.

mrpilkington I say to myself, “Self,” I say, “How can I slip some root poison into the lot next door? Is there a squirrel I can pay to do this?”

ScrewyDecimal Monday and I are officially in a fight. There’s gonna be fisticuffs.

Riser_ I’m still waiting for Beavis & Butthead to weigh in on this Congressman Weiner scandal.

badbanana I just unlocked the “Living Simply Without Unnecessary Technology” badge on @foursquare!

helgagrace Have suggested we boost the library’s budget by contributing found money. Just boosted by .25 cents.

mommywantsvodka Whomever said, “thou art as lovely as a summer’s day,” has NOT spent any time near my garbage can in mid-June.

oodja “There are only two rules in television; don’t swear and don’t whip it out.” -helpful social media advice from Krusty the Clown

FrankConniff Wiener not getting it. After press conference, to prove how bad he feels, he tweeted everybody a pic of his limp penis.

EvenMoreSarah Maybe if I stay real quiet, Monday won’t notice I’m here and will go home early.

markleggett Most of my childhood memories are videogame cheat codes.

frageelay Madonna’s lyrics all make perfect sense if you imagine they were written to her cats.

giraffrocentric Okay, guys, guess the movie! (NO CHEATING!!!1) … “Nice to meet you, Harry Potter!”

killorn My dog is always so thrilled to see me come home for however long it takes him to realize I am not carrying a ham in my purse.

apelad I always feel sorry for never before seen footage. Be more assertive, footage!

Ahm76 Every time I’m disappointed in twitter, I realize I’m just disappointed in myself. I’m the one who didn’t make plans or leave the house. Me.

apodixis Assflap! That’s what I always think that duck in the insurance ad is saying.

theleanover At some point my neighbours are going to wonder what my horrendous laughter stems from and I’m going to have to say a 15 yr old kids cartoon.

LIFECOACHERS It’s great to focus on your gifts but sometimes you need to focus on what you don’t do well and feel really bad about that.

killorn You people act like you’ve never seen “I have a head for business & a bod for sin” written in purple Comic Sans on a business card before.

BillCorbett Yes, the rumors are true: my dog just ate a Japanese beetle. #ourlivinghorribleEarth

sandwichpolice I hung up first. I won the goodbye!

Sarah_PallinUSA That whole Watergate thing was bad for the economy. It’s poor fiscal planning to build gates underwater. Fish can’t even vote. #PalinHistory

eihposa There comes a time when the only thing to do is eat sour cream on taco shells. Now is that time.

ordermeanother Indiana Jones: the only thing in history that is better when there are Nazis involved.

danforthfrance If Kevorkian’s death is ironic, then the only thing that has died is what words mean.

StephenAtHome I wonder if it’s hard for a cricket doing standup at a comedy club to tell if they’re bombing.

shinyinfo Oh Youtube comments. You make me feel like a genius.

sbellelauren hope you like my new show girls gone mild we just drink chai lattes & discuss if we HAD to choose if we’d be ravenclaw or hufflepuff

Athenabee Athena finally said “tit-tays.” No more mommy/daughter Dave Chappelle.

telephase Cleaning out a Gatorade bucket, with a 1/2 inch of Kool-Aid/sugar sludge in the bottom. #livingthedream

laurahartgerink i came upstairs after some painting to find a little bare bottomed, diaperless baby in her pack n play. and so it begins. #underpantsaredumb

happyrobot I just sold a bike on CraigsList. I didn’t get murdered. I have cash.

trypnotik @ampersandwich If “disappointed the cat” is code for something I disappointed the cat all the time.

LouisPeitzman “No” means “no,” Microsoft AutoUpdate.

haridnc time to walk around the office and tell everyone exactly what I think of them.

MagpieLibrarian Actual question from an actual child, “Why is Mayor Bloomberg such a douche-bag?” #savenyclibraries

val_forrestal I think #wwf should let you use “invented” words if you can justify them. eg: BORATE – to bore everyone with your lengthy speech.

endquote Yes, I love it when you shout “Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean!” at me from across the street. Please do that again.

BridgetCallahan You know what the opposite of cool is? A smooth jazz interpretation of the State Farm Good Neighbor song.

TheNextMartha I should do a whole line of “time out videos”. Me riding my kids’ bikes, destroying their legos. Demolishing train tracks. HOW FUN for me.

loresjoberg I was sad that I had no shoes until someone pointed out that thigh-high stiletto boots do, technically, count as shoes.

willgoldstein I taught the boy a very important phrase this morning: “Mommy Pwetty”. #TenDadPoints

thegrumbles we drove by a guy parallel parking a giant green tractor so he could make a donut run. he is king of today.

guiltysquid Today I’m late because, apparently, bras are not “optional” in the office. Unless you’re a guy.

ProfessorSnack Has anyone gone back to explain to watermelon farmers what the word “seedless” actually means?

bridger_w A commercial just asked, “Who says you can’t have your shrimp and eat it too?” I’m not positive, but… Nobody?

rachaelosborn Sometimes I take Nyquil and chase it with a Red Bull and let them fight.

kerryhowell Why you don’t have me buy the Costco cake for departing coworkers: it has a dinosaur on it. And “You’re not extinct to us, Lori!” as message.

notthatkendall A little piece of advice for no one in particular: If you try to tell me I can’t watch “Baby Mama” for the 87th time, I will divorce you.

NASeason Random mid-week getaway to Newport Beach. All I’m really interested in is the king sized bed and the freedom from cat hair.

TheDollSays I see Coldplay is trending. Have they died? Have they died horribly in an appallingly pretentious and tedious accident? I do hope not.

lunchyprices Teens: Don’t do cocaine! Save it for your 30s when you’ll need it just to watch TV until 10 p.m.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Follow Friday – iPhone Photos

3 Jun

Today is my last day of work. So far I’m feeling good about it all but that may change as the day wears on. I’m sad, of course, but not as sad as I was when the students and staff left. The last four days have been nothing but work, so I’ve been pretty distracted. I’ve saved the saddest chore, taking down my desk photos, for last. Other than all this, we are well, and the fever Isobel came down with yesterday seems to have mellowed. I’m chalking it up to teething or some other Mysterious Toddler Ailment.

We are getting sod put in our moonscape this weekend. Hooray!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

badbanana Sorry, kids. Daddy can’t watch you grow up because he has to constantly change the batteries in his Apple wireless keyboard.

OTOOLEFAN Luke Russert just said “unflappable Weiner” on MSNBC.

librarian_kate My co-worker’s philosophy of life: “If you have to be a crazy person, at least be the head crazy person.”

markleggett The Sherlock Holmes/Batman fan-fiction I’m writing is going great, except they keep making out with each other. Solve some crimes already!

markleggett To Do: 1- Take photo of cat. 2- Get photo printed on t-shirt. 3- Put t-shirt on cat. 4- Take photo of cat in t-shirt. 5- Repeat forever.

letsdiefriends Am I totally cancering myself if I play Words With Friends?

babybabylemon If my toddler were an adult, this unwanted chest groping would be prosecutable.

markleggett People who say “meteoric rise” know what eventually happens to meteors right?

sandwichpolice I don’t know if I want a cat so much as I just want somebody that takes and takes and NEVER FUCKING THANKS ME AND EATS MY ELECTRICAL CORDS.

modinkpeeb On my bike ride tonight, I saw one snake, one deer, and Samuel L. Jackson.

DalekThay YOUR MOTHER is so INFERIOR that when ‘The Library’ SAVED her, it used a 3 1/2″ FLOPPY DISK. #DalekSnaps

apodixis If you really love your pets you shouldn’t have them fixed. You should to teach them to respect themselves by practicing abstinence.

theRratedBull Never name a child “Bob.” Or, “Michael Bolton” for that matter. In fact, stay away from any of the character names found in “Office Space.”

jess_mc It’s PERFORMANCE ART. Palin and Trump, in tri-corner hats, will get in an oversize hamster ball and roll themselves while reporters chase.

shinyinfo I only know my way around this town by using library branches as reference points.

johnmoe “We have nothing to fear but zeega du dip bow buhdeeda ziggy buddladeezy beedy pow itself.” #ScatHistoryQuotes

schmutzie Another Who Knew? moment: I now know what little tea leaf balls look like after they’ve expanded in a cat’s stomach and then been thrown up.

rachaelosborn Hating hipsters is the new being a hipster.

sarah_fitness What is cuter than talking to a 3yo on the phone who says, “Mommy, I want to give you a hug”, then hugs the phone? Um, not much.

msbellows I’d be an awesome S.E.A.L. Team commando if we could schedule missions midmorning, after coffee and a couple sit-downs.

WhyIsDaddyCryin I declare today “Opposite Day!” shhh….don’t tell the wife.

hereslizz I could probably make some extra cash today as a phone secks operator though. I got that Demi Moore thing going on.

stephenharred How is there not already a thing titled “Pimp and Pimpability?”

ProfessorSnack Today I turned Arthur into a jackass. J/K, he did that on his own. – diary excerpt Myrddin Emrys


ProfessorSnack No longer able to keep track of them, I refer to each Knight as Sir Guyihad. – diary excerpt Lady Guinevere

simontarr Lïve twëëtïng öür ÏKËÄ trïp.

MoeZee75 I don’t like how some people are related to me.

meganberg Snuggled in bed with the baby and the cat. Though, it would be much cuter if Ben weren’t farting and Zoe wasn’t licking her ass.

notthatkendall There should be some kind of mandatory training for those interested in the privilege of using the “reply all” button.

sarcasmically Angry driver threw a taco at my car, which is a bad way to get me to STOP cutting him off ’cause yum and I wonder how many more tacos he has.

windloochieMichigan weather provides lots of practice opportunities for the aspiring Buddhist.

hotdogsladies If a team of in-laws simultaneously Googles you during dinner, be honest, stay calm, then blame the 1000s of boner jokes on “a cyber-virus.”

petzrawr I’m DVR’ing History Channel’s “Gettysburg”. No spoilers, please!

theleanover Couples: Bringing a screaming toddler with you to buy a BDSM guide yelling across the store about its contents makes you horrible people.

jen_talley Writing an information health guide on hemorrhoids. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

MightyQuinn72 I hafta piss so bad I could power wash my deck.

BisexualElves I have ennui, which is emo for dropping your iPad.

PMuffintop If I got married again, I’d bedazzle a giant bald eagle across the chestal region of my wedding gown.

PaulyMortadella My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

hollypops007 Ugh! I understand why my head & liver are mad at me but, have no idea why my neck hurts. Did I “whip my hair back & forth” and forget?

HerschelWeiner Where would our pan flute players be without the spa industry?

CorporateMonkey woke up from a post-work coma/nap, and had a dream in which I was prettier than IRL. 30yrs old and my brain JUST figured out it can do this.

danforthfrance Off to mind fuck some ants with an inflatable watermelon.

Rootahbaygah Fight Club is a bully-free zone. #LesserKnownFightClubRules

Morsdeus Fight Club is allowed to be discussed though games of Pictionary. #LesserKnownFightClubRules

donhardo Tickling is not only legal, it is encouraged. #LesserKnownFightClubRules

JerryThomas My social media strategy involves no pants and a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

inktwice Her: ….sss-shit. Me: Sss-shit? Her: I was not going to say it. Me: …but then you thought, “Fuck it.”

MeganBoley Just realized I had quesadillas for lunch AND dinner. This pleases me.

shamroxmysox Lets go back to the good ol days when all your problems were solved with leeches and prayer.

NicLewis “Captains Log, Stardate 4178.2: The Enterprise has arrived at planetSouthern California, again. I think Mr. Sulu has us going in circles.”

sphericalfruit Finnegans Steak #lessinterestingbooks

Lilacmess On the Origin of Feces #lessinterestingbooks

inversejaik Low Expectations #lessinterestingbooks

inversejaik Heart of Dorkiness #lessinterestingbooks

inversejaik100 Years of Soliciting #lessinterestingbooks

filigreegirl The Ho-Hum Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime #lessinterestingbooks

DaveKrumholtz Processed Animal BI-Product Farm #lessinterestingbooks

caseycannonpi The Girl With The Temporary Tattoo #LessInterestingBooks

Lord_Voldemort7 Harry Potter and the Order of Takeout. #lessinterestingbooks

inktwice Marker Felt is just an upper-middle class Comic Sans.

FakeeEtiquette It is rude to post in all-caps on Craigslist unless your listing is more important than everyone else’s and deserves attention.

modinkpeeb Ruby’s favorite game is when she spends all morning whispering jibberish to me and trying to convince me I’ve had a stroke.

Caissie Did Harold Camping mean “Oprahcalypse” maybe? I’m afraid to look outside.

purple_quark Good morningAmerica. Was last night good for you too?

PlasticJukebox You haven’t really lived until you’ve put “buy taxidermied moose for the summer home” on a to-do list.

BuenoBabyGirl I just ate a Halloween-old, flattened, fun-sized Snickers bar from the bottom of my purse and I’m O.K. with that.

jillgengler Good to know that the State ofIL Central Management Services isn’t blowing our tax dollars on good graphic design.

80sMomKara Just watched Franco Zefferelli’s Romeo and Juliet. At the end, my 11 year old said “So that whole movie was about nothing but bad timing?”

LouisPeitzman If you ever see an anonymous Twitter account correcting people’s grammar, know that I’ve finally snapped.

BisexualElves I have ennui, which is emo for dropping your iPad.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Follow Friday – Anniversary Edition

27 May

Last Tuesday the husband and I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. We’ve always had issues celebrating in the past. Shortly after we were married I was hired at the library, and this time of year is perpetually one of intense work and crazy business: textbook return and inventory. There were a few years where our anniversary actually fell on the actual days of textbook collection, and those were the absolute worst. In fact end of the year distractions kept me so preoccupied last year that I totally forgot it was our anniversary. We’ve actually been a couple together since 1998, so in addition to having a long history, we also have some embarrassing high school-era couple’s photos. Maybe I’ll share those some day. For now, enjoy some wedding photos taken by Lisa Farrer.

Edited to add: our good friend Jose came up with the ideas to have pinatas at the end. One for the adults and one for the kids. It was a blast.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

PMuffintop FYI: In Skype meetings, tweeting looks EXACTLY THE SAME as taking diligent notes. I throw in a thoughtful look every now and then.

SarahIvy I wish my cats had been Raptured. Then again, the problem is their sinful, destructive behavior. Fess up, assholes, who mauled the bread?

MagpieLibrarian Outfit of the day: Today I’m going for Rosie the Riveter meets German housewife meets unaccomplished drag queen. Bandanas, aprons, glitter.

apelad U2 is in SaltLake tonight! They’re the band that singlehandedly cornered the gas station and grocery store soundtrack market.

RobinMcCauley SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY A PLANE would be a fun show

mommywantsvodka I’m making a show called Women of a Certain Age. It’ll be this scene a zillion times. “Ugh. I need a nap.” Snappy Retort: “You’re pregnant?”

mariadiaz If I were on a reality show, I’d ask a certain person out for lunch. To “clear the air.”

Zaius13 Eating a vat of ice cream assuages the shame of masturbation, which helps ease the guilt of binge eating. I call it the “men’s true cycle”.

IAmAntilia When I’m not thinking outside the box, I’m usually thinking about my box.

purple_quark girl you up in my mind like an encephalitis infection.

xandrique you know the old saying, “If you’re going to braid some Nerds rope, be prepared to get Nerds everywhere.”

markleggett If by “Starcraft” you mean “cutting up pieces of coloured paper into tiny little star shapes”, then yeah, I’m way into Starcraft.

wordlust Don’t let your kids become depressing statistics. Raise them to be hilarious anecdotes instead.

mansermatt Researchers say spreading gossip is a vital part of human social interaction. The researchers then said, “But you didn’t hear that from me.”

sbellelauren JUST ATE MY LUNCH LIKE A BOSS (alone, wondering if the ups guy likes me, remembering to buy more ink)

TwoAdults Was eating a cheeseburger in the car and passed a cow-transporter-truck. There was eye contact made. It was uncomfortable.

LouisPeitzman Whenever I see a family wearing oversized t-shirts from different Hard Rock Cafes, I think, “Wow, they must be really well traveled.”

taradublinrocks The Benny Hill Theme #worstlapdancesong

paulandstorm I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General #worstlapdancesong

shawnpearlman Why did Garfield hate Mondays so much? He was unemployed.

mightytoycannon Career Day with 3rd graders was great. Made me wish for a career as a third grader. What’s the starting salary on something like that?

BillableBarbie My dr told me to try to eat more fish (I currently eat…none). I’m hoping goldfish crackers count.

PaulyPeligroso “I can’t wear black sweats with a black t-shirt. I’ll look like an unemployed Ninja.”

theRratedBull When is Hollywod gonna cash in on the “Power Puff Girls” live-action feature film? I’d make a good Mojo Jojo.

TheRedQueen Kingston is walking around in a diaper, socks, sandals, and an unzipped hoodie. He insisted on everything but the diaper.

phyllisstein “I love you to pieces” doesn’t make a lick’a sense. “I love you two pizzas”—now that’s a quantifiably huge amount of love.

sbellelauren i hope when french people fart they say heh heh ooh le fart because if not waste of a country.

inktwice Speak softly. Pilot a big mech. #animelifelessons

christianduguay Buy some coasters. Put them in a kitchen drawer. Call friends and let them know you’re an adult now.

TheBlackStar Mancave is a gender specific form of poop chute, right?

navanax A cat is Man’s best frenemy.

chickenscottpie It’s kind of bad when the top news story of the day is that the world didn’t end.

thejohnblog That breakfast burrito was so good, I spoke to it in Parseltongue.

corrinrenee I feel like I should ask my bra fit specialist to go steady.

slackmistress Rapture hasn’t happened in England or Sweden. Which means the US IS GOING TO BE THE NUMBER ONE EXPORTER OF RAPTURLINGS!USA!USA!USA!

antigone_spit It’s the end of the world DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TOWEL IS

BeTheBoy Just told by girl at Starbucks that I look less wiped out than usual. She needs a compliment giving class.

pistolval Well, we are still here. Just once I would like my doomsday paranoia to pay off.

Marty3point0 I feel like today is a Tuxedo T-Shirt kind of day.

SethMacFarlane “DON’T GO BREAKIN’ MY HEART”, sang Elton John. “I COULDN’T IF I TRIED”, replied Kiki Dee, accurately.

GeorgeTakei Today’s Rapture postponed as Jesus awaits announcement of surprise guest on final Oprah. Savior “hopeful” but “okay with it” if not picked.

adamtool Wait…I think it’s here! Yes! I can feel it! It’s The Rapture! No…wait, BRB gotta go to the bathroom.

BonesMcCoy The only way you’re getting raptured today is if Scotty has a transporter lock on you. Sorry.

brattyunicorn A girl just gave my outfit the old up down glance & the air suddenly filled with the smell of ovaries & hand-to-hand combat.

MrWordsWorth Kate Beckinsale reportedly pregnant with a child that will be too beautiful to be seen by human eyes without a box with a hole in it.

IsobelWren When I drive long distances I have a modified game of Oregon Trail going in my head as commentary.

msbellows I read their site. Apparently the #Rapture’s tomorrow, but Universe isn’t annihilated til Oct. CHAPERONE-FREE SUMMER!

shellipants Target employee: can I help you find anything else?
Gpa: your phone number
Me. *dies*

wordlust Randy Savage must be recognized as the Patron Saint of Dudes Who Sound Totally Constipated. Do the right thing,Vatican.

letsgetgizzy I hope I turn into an anime girl tomorrow! I don’t think I understand what The Rapture is.

rolldiggity I can only assume this “take my profile picture in the mirror” trend is a collective effort to keep vampires off our social networks.

Squirreljustice What I like about riding the NYC subway on a rainy day is that you can cross “identify the smell of a hyena’s asshole” off your bucket list.

inktwice Just heard Randy “Macho Man” Savage died. The staples of my youth are slowly beginning to disappear like the McFly kids in a Polaroid.

jgamet Just got a spam for the genie bra. I can’t wait to see what comes out when I rub one.

granulac I love hearing people who can’t draw talk about art technique. It’s like people without kids discussing parenting.

nataliebinder Patron just called to ask if the library would be open for the Rapture. No joke.

MrWordsWorth I expect to see the end of the New York Times before I see the end of times. Trust me on this.

WhyIsDaddyCryin wife just told me “just an FYI – screaming ‘release the kraken’ every time you get naked is not sexy.”

ProfessorSnack The day I learned that Seuss wasn’t really a doctor was they day I questioned the quality of green eggs & ham and elephants hatching eggs.

jlist The message of End of Evangelion: “Mankind’s evolution and rapture will be cock-blocked by a whiny Japanese kid.”

markleggett Why do turtles have such awesome six pack abs when they can’t even do one sit-up? It’s bullshit. #fuckyouturtles

eshep So, my kids apparently like the new Fucked Up record, but I can’t quite bring myself to tell them the name of the band.

hodgman Fleet Foxes just brought out a bass clarinet. This is real.

TheNextMartha Dyson: “We suck while the others just blow”

theleanover Platonic lady friend called to discuss an episode of Dharma & Greg she saw. Is this the point I start to accompany her to the ladies room?

isplotchy News: Radiohead singer Thom Yorke held in small town Cali jail after drunken brawl at laundromat. PD Chief:”Carmel police, arrest this man!”

mathowie I can’t wait until the Post-Rapture weekend. Once the believers are gone, I’m totally getting gay married to a dog.

rolldiggity What kind of beat would a beet retweet if a beet could retweet beats?

sbellelauren lots of rapture babies are about to start cooking in them crazy lady ovens.

MoRocca I kind of hope I get Left Behind. I need a staycation.

LIFECOACHERS Don’t underestimate your own ability to overestimate stuff.

MrWordsWorth James Franco earned 1 of the college degrees he’s working on yesterday. If he gets 9 more, he gets a free liberal arts degree of his choice.

ohnoCAPSLOCK Me to JB: “I’m going to ALT TAB my fist into your face.” #whennerdsmarry

MurseBrian I think I could really make it in this world as a rapper, if I weren’t so white. And also, so gay.

rolldiggity If knowledge is power, then I’m the king of overknowledging people walking alone to their cars at the mall.

guiltysquid Nothing discourages self-improvement like seeing the guy with a masters working at a gas station.

lurkey Yes! Just heard the first ice cream truck of the season. I’ve been itching to get some use out of this expensive crossbow.

lianamaeby What’s the plural of “Starbucks”? “City”?

apodixis Not sure what it means, but I’m very disturbed Schwarzenegger had a child out of warlock. This is why we’re not getting raptured, you guys.

apelad So far the very best part of L.A. Noire is driving off without your partner, watching him try to catch up, then driving off again.

KeepingYouAwake 4 less followers to 400!!! Tell everyone you know! We can do this!

terrenceisdaman Nice try, Nabisco… But I think I’ll decide how many Oreos are in a serving.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Follow Friday – Doomsday Edition

20 May

Awhile back when my friends and I took a trip to SF for my bestie’s birthday we happened to see a van, decorated with warnings about the apocalypse painted all over it. Strange, I thought. Isn’t the apocalypse supposed to be next year? I didn’t think this movement was very large or vocal until I started hearing snippets about it on Twitter. Tweets about the impending (and patently ridiculous) apocalypse flooded my timeline in the best way possible.

Today’s post is also dedicated to Inge, a children’s librarian who once quoted obscure Beck Hansen song lyrics with me when I was having a bad day thereby securing my online friendship for life. When Mayor Bloomberg proposed drastic cuts in NYC’s library services, a bunch of her kids wrote postcards asking him not to cut funding so the libraries remain open. Those appear throughout the post in bold. Take that, Mayor Buttface!


What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

thesulk “I’ve got 99 problems and I’m not dealing with any of them.” (Lay-Z)

beaumartian Asked Gabi if she wanted me to go buy her Sprite. She told me what she needs instead is “a little bit more toys.”

Caissie Bad news: I just sneezed 23 times in a row. Worse news: The Today Show hasn’t booked me yet. Good news: Pelvic floor muscles held out!

MagpieLibrarian Postcard from kid: “Please don’t close the library. They got the best workers.”

eareeve I will henceforth refer to Google as “the Goog”. #hip

wordlust Better to jump the gun than hump the machete.

Irish_girlie I wish Urban Dictionary had a reverse feature, where you type in what you want to say and a cool word with that meaning pops up.

sarahbartlett 40 minutes of a full body cardio workout while wearing baby should count for more than 198cals burned.

colinsteele There’s a guy on my mbta bus with a cassette walkman. Apparently I’m on Route 1988.

paulapoundstone Remember when Scarlet O’hara gets sick of war? That’s how I feel about cat pee lately.

Sigafoos Just had a carne alotta burrito from Mighty Taco. It was like a rapture in my mouth!

letsgetgizzy Eating at Arby’s is the new cutting yourself.

palinode I’m glad I’m not friends with Arnold Schwarzenegger. They just don’t make cards for these kinds of situations.

MagpieLibrarian Postcard from a kid: “Listen. Save the library, you loser.”

chaddfoy Anybody know if this Saturday’s Rapture is BYOB?

VHStapes2 I’m too scared to get my nipples pierced so I’m getting clip-ons.

tommycm been using ‘bob dylan’ as a euphemism for going to the toilet for some time now.

OhHereWeGo Male friends: DM me if you don’t want me to date your ex-girlfriends and be specific about which ones.

mommywantsvodka Hmmmmm, maybe I’d better write my book: “Shhhhh, Baby, Mama’s Hungover,” before Rapture.

emilybilbrey being a mom = never getting to eat your own toast again.

JohnRossBowie Another L.A. Noire mission: You’re fucking starving to death but the line at In-N-Out is 20 cars deep.

telephase @exlibris When I’m raptured and you’re not on Saturday, you can have my souvenir crystal bell collection. #friends

theleanover I thought a Foursquare meant when you had 2 stars and 2 retweets all from different people on your Favstar page. Whoops.

MagpieLibrarian Another postcard from a kid: “They have books that we like and they have the best librarians. You have holes in your brain.”

badbanana I’m a nervous eater. I keep thinking my neighbors will wake up and find me eating all their food.

DaveHolmes When the holy folks get zapped up to Heaven on 5/21, I imagine they’ll immediately start arguing over who’s going to Superheaven, and when.

MeganBoley I almost just complained about being too full with sushi. What!? Dumbest complaint ever.

chickenscottpie @exlibris Seriously, nature. What kind of idiot thinks it’s a good plan to just dump water all over everything?

Ahm76After I smelled that flower, I got confused about my sexuality. Am I florasexual? It’s been a long time since anyone’s pollinated my stigma.

antigone_spit Passed a guy wearing a Spaghetti-Os shirt. I want to be his best friend.

KeepingYouAwake @exlibris We’re just old enough to feel like the world is going to shit, and everyone’s forgetting what’s important. Let’s go buy iPads.

MagpieLibrarian Postcard from a kid: “Dear Mayor Buttface, Please don’t close the library and defenity do not fier Inge. Thank you.”

brookbristow Donald Trump can now relax since he won’t run for President. Finally, he can let his hair down.

Caissie Trump ISN’T running for President? Was starting to look forward to rivulets of sweat/haircolor/bronzer dripping down his face at debates. 😦

kenrudin The fact that there was once serious talk about what “impact” Donald Trump would make as a candidate makes me question my entire existence.

sarcasmically In totally unsurprising news, I received 19 compliments on my Star Wars shirt in one 25-minute trip to Best Buy.

SaraJOY Let’s count the tweets I’ve deleted so far today shall we? ONE! ha ha ha. TWO! ha ha ha. THREE! ha ha ha. FOUR! ha ha ha…

slapclap I hear the theme song to JURASSICPARK whenever I see someone inNew York use a payphone.

stevelibrarian I was going to respond to that Seth Godin blog but I’m too busy stockpiling for the Rapture at the end of the week.

MagpieLibrarian Postcard from a kid: ‎”Mayor Bloomberg you smell like cheese. Don’t cut the libraries fund.”

corrinrenee I ironed my shirt with my flat iron and my hair is up in a ponytail. That should give you an idea of how my day started.

sarcasmically Let’s pretend I lost my voice while doing something super hardcore, and not while singing along to Boyz II Men loudly in my Subaru wagon, k?

JohnFugelsang I’d like to thank FamilyRadio.com for all the billboards telling our children exactly how they’ll suffer & die on Saturday.

MagpieLibrarian Hey Monday. Come say that to my face.

neiltyson Birds at the launch site are surely thinking to themselves: “These humans have come a long way with their artificial wings”

mammalpants I like to google things like,”when is the effing apocalypse because I’m burned out. do you hear me god? send a horse on fire soon”

theRratedBull There’s an old church hymn called “Angry Words.” I like to sing it to people every time I catch them playing “Angry Birds.”

MagpieLibrarian Postcard from a kid: “Mayor Batface (??). U suck.”

That_Biz Texting my husband from the ipod, but I don’t think I’m remember his phone number right. So maybe I’m NOT texting my husband.

neiltyson Would a NASA reality show “LunarShore” be more popular than “JerseyShore?” Civilization’s future depends on that answer.

ajthizzle It’s a bad sign that I got myself back to sleep early this morning by thinking of different ways to quit my job. This is how I relax.

John_M15 One in five Americans believe that Bin Laden is still alive. Let me guess, the same ones that think Obama is fromKenya?

th3jm4n I need to develop a super power. Villainy just isn’t worth it unless you’re destroying things on a global scale.

iasshole Trying to convince 6 y.o. that the purpose of medicine is not delicious mouth entertainment.

palinode I managed to turn my roasted garlic bruschetta ambitions into a bowl of mac and cheese tonight.

jillgengler Just had Words with my kitchen garbage can. Not going to lie… I think it came out on top in that exchange.

MagpieLibrarian “I can get a book with my library card. You suck at your job. Please don’t take the librarries money.”

lilpyrogirl It’s not the sunburned outline of sunglasses that makes me a redneck, it’s that I bought a moonpie & ran over an armadillo on the way home.

wishing4horses Today’s naptime dream: Me and Jamie Lee Curtis mom-paddling in an LA pool. Swear, no more gin at lunch!

emilyrm Mariah Carey wanted to make sure her twins were delivered to one of her songs AND they call them “Roc and Roe”. Excuse me, I have to barf.

ScrewyDecimal Telling me “Stop worrying or you’ll get wrinkles” won’t make me stop worrying. It will only give me something new to worry about.

davepolak Just re-heated some pulled pork in bacon grease. That’s how I roll.

theRratedBull “Jennifer Garner… I think she’s married to Affleck.” The Teen looked confused, so I added, “The actor, not the duck.” “Ahhhhhh!”

petersagal Elvis Costello tonight. If I keep going, one of these days he’ll look out in the crowd and notice me.

snickerswiggle I’m looking at a customer whose shirt, belt & boots are bedazzled. Coincidentally, I am questioning the lifechoices that brought me here.

eareeve harem pants are great for not flashing my gentles in public but still allowing me to be comfortable.

LmaoAtThisGuy I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking… scared the hell out of me. So that’s it, after today… no more reading.

inktwice Denny’s is for winners.

himissjulie “Wow, you speak French?” “No, I just know enough to pronounce things with a lot of *hwaough*.” #reference

MagpieLibrarian Postcard from kid: “Stopp pllease. You are cutting libraries. Stop firing librarians. You suck. Give me a job. I need food.”

theleanover Saw some dude with a tattoo of Calvin pissing on a scorpion. I, for one, welcome next Saturday’s end times. #rapture

joshjs Potential Nerd Rock Band Name: Academia Nuts

shinyinfo Oh em gee, Party In The USA is on at the deli. I not-so secretly love this shitty song. It’s likeWhiteCastle in music form.

rolldiggity I know social media is supposed to replace newspapers, but I’ll never get used to draping myself across homeless people while they sleep.

theleanover I’m always devastated when I raise my arms and make the “whoooosh!” noise and it doesn’t make me fly like Superman.

massagebyted Oh, yeah, I suppose I would let a female Klingon do me with a strap-on. You know, if it was for the good of the Federation and stuff.

MeganBoley There comes a time in a young boy’s life when he must be dressed in jorts and paraded around his dad’s office at lunchtime.

trumpetcake Free coffee at Starbuck’s today, if you ask in a robot voice! OH WAIT. Never mind. The robot in front of me had a coupon.

MrWordsWorth When I see that ad that says ‘what’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, I instinctively say ‘a naked woman!’

helgagrace Why does my hip hurt? I’m pretty sure I haven’t been exercising without my knowledge.

nicpiper @exlibris Wow! Your blog looks space age on this iPad. It’s like the future had sex with a typewriter!

letsdiefriends Question: “Will I hate myself in 5 years for wearing a tiny sombrero?” Answer: no way.

goodinthestacks I finally hit it big! @Franklin the Turtle is following me. I hope he knows what he’s getting into.

shinyinfo For all the people who will undergo an Assumption on Saturday: Don’t be a dick, leave your keys in your car. #RapturePSA

notthatkendall I want to thank the makers of Nintendo for making me believe I have the power to fix household objects by just blowing into them.


What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Follow Friday – Kickin’ It Old School

13 May

It’s taken a week and a half, but I am finally recovering from this killer cold. My voice has gone from a demonic growl and can now be described as “husky” or “Rachel Ray.” An improvement of sorts.

 I want to thank everyone who took time to enter my giveaway for the gorgeous laurel-leaf bracelet I got for Mother’s Day. Evelyn has such great items in her shop that if you don’t win this bracelet you can console yourself by picking up another of her goodies. A few of you mentioned that gold isn’t your preferred color for jewelry, and if you stop by her shop you’ll notice that she also carries this bracelet in silver. Equally stunning.

The lucky winner of the bracelet is… Anne! Congratulations! I’ll pass your name and email on to Evelyn who will arrange to send you your bracelet. Be sure to measure your wrist to get the perfect size. Everybody else, have a great weekend, and don’t worry, there will be more etsy giveaways in the future.

 (All the photos in today’s post were taken from my flickr archives.)

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

adamisacson I was watching a nature show. A team of seals killed a penguin and dumped the body in the water. Suddenly, I felt strangely patriotic.

FakeAPStylebook The abbreviation “QED” stands for the Latin phrase, “quod erat demonstrandum” which means, “FTW!”

thatgirltricia There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.”

markleggett I just held a puppy. Any moment where I’m not holding either a puppy or a kitten or a duckling or a lamb is super bullshit.

phyllisstein Stress-wise, songs with siren effects are pretty bad, but songs with “New Mail” pings are much worse.

PMuffintop Fantastic- kids want to watch “Tangled” for the billionth time. You know my favorite part of “Tangled”? This margarita.

Zaius13 Every time you masturbate a kitten, God kills himself.

joeywags Just came up with idea for podcast recorded in the office restroom, “Stallin’ with Joe Wagner.” Recurring segment: “Plop of the Day.”

mrpilkington There should be some sort of vicious crab monster that hunts down every person who still says “it is what it is.”

grantpa Oh, this? It’s prescription ice cream.

sarcasmically Oh look it’s a day ending in ‘y’ so of course I’ve wounded myself I JUST DUNKED MY NIPPLE IN BOILING WATER it’s amazing I’ve made it to 27

JayFerris Some days I swear I’m allergic to fluorescent lighting and bullshit.

simontarr Fair warning: my in-laws are coming this week for a long weekend. You know, in case you need to stock up on marshmallows for toasting.

telephase Pro Tip: With the right furrowed brow look, you can get multiple teens around the room to admit to things they’ve done.

willgoldstein I assume all parents make it through the terrible twos with a steady diet of caffeine and alcohol.

ohnoCAPSLOCK Esme, “I’m drawing your eyes! And your big nose!” Thanks, jerk.

TheNextMartha When is someone going to invent and air conditioner for my pants?

louisvirtel Sad to discover that Shania Twain’s new reality show isn’t called “Man! I Feel Like a Paycheck.”

ladybirdj If a job interviewer asks what you think of new media, say “I AM NEW MEDIA” and shoot a light beam from your glowing fingertips.

WhyIsDaddyCryin I picked a bad week to quit sniffing glue.

AmandaStretch If Sleepy Dwarf and Sneezy Dwarf had a baby, it would be me. Except that I’m tall for a dwarf. Wait . . . am I adopted?

joshjs Mom, Sorry I ruined your hoo-ha and then became an atheist. Love, Josh

thebookpolice I can’t take Jamie Lee Curtis seriously on child Internet safety PSAs when I know she likes to talk to strangers about their poop.

MarinkaNYC Every time I see “Instagram” I think “Orgasmatron” So your photos have a lot to live up to.

heyrenees Guy next to me on bus has devil horns tattooed onto his forehead. So that’s how the day is starting.

joeltalks Today my dad is 90. I called and as expected he was in the gym as he is every day. I called him from the gym where I am only 3 days a week.

louisvirtel It’s drizzling inSouthern California. Ugh, our flowers will be ruined.

PopCulLibrn Apparently the streets of Burbank near IKEA are one of the best places to find groups of young men in ironic eyewear.

inktwice Got blocked for highlighting the irony in someone’s tweet. Guess she didn’t appreciate…[takes off glasses]…what followed. YEEEAAAA!

scd If I have one bit of advice for media scholars on Twitter, it’s to interact more with folks who aren’t media scholars on Twitter.

AmberRose What a great, productive day on Twitt– I mean, at work!

joeywags It’s so cold in my office, I’m thinking I should probably put my clothes back on.

Jim_Hamilton When a girl talks to me, I think it’s pretty safe to assume she’s an undercover cop. Nice try, Sgt. Flirty!

slackmistress Every time you think something is impossible, remind yourself that “Arli$$” was an actual thing.

antigone_spit “Umm Korinne I need to check your sources. I don’t think Macbeth assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand.”

rolldiggity “I think my student is cheating on me.” -School desk

CanuckMackem Game of Thrones = The Sopranos in Middle Earth

michaelianblack From a writer’s perspective, the main problem with “Country Strong” is that it’s terrible.

cathycrea People on camera would wave and say “Hi….” and then stare blankly. #IfThereWereNoMoms

johnmoe Kids would play Stranger May I. #IfThereWereNoMoms

MikeMallow Scott Pilgrim is trending! This is the best Sunday night news I’ve heard since bin Laden.

louisvirtel Happy birthday, Mom. My fave restaurant is still your womb.

Will_Bunch Anyone know why “Presidential Speech” isn’t on at 10:30? I really enjoyed the first episode last week.

MeatPants Pop Tarts, Top Parts. Whatever. You know what I meant.

danforthfrance Maybe you can’t get over the Lakers being assholes, but I’m still hung up on the fact that LA has no lakes.

LouisPeitzman Maybe I don’t know exactly what it’s like to be a mother, but I’ve had a headache for three days.

wordlust Your mom is intended for mature audiences only. She contains adult gerbils and strong sailors.

NickSchug Every day, Kid Rock eats Cheetos flavors that we can’t even IMAGINE.

shinyinfo Librarians should have MLIS showers where people bestow gifts of cardigans & sweater vests upon new graduates

MrWordsWorth Women’s Day magazine is sold year-round. I call shenanigans.

shinyinfo Knowing people with gardens is like being a Freegan but without having to jump into dumpsters.

Gen_with_a_G That hip skinny chick over there, she is really shoving that sandwich in her mouth. There’s hope for us yet.

Zaius13 Is it “Cuntess” or “Cuntress”? I want this Mother’s Day card to be fridge worthy.

editorialgirl Also found a text file called “to do”. Inside: one line. “1) move that paper clip that I keep mistaking for a spider”. #wtf

aspaul My cat didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day. This is bullshit.

1ofManyLaurens The best way to add insult to injury is when signing somebody’s cast.

hemantmehta Happy That’s-What-Happens-When-Republicans-Defund-Planned-Parenthood Day!

aleah This Celebrity Ghost Stories show is hilarious. Alice Cooper saw “ghosts” for reasons unrelated to paranormal activity. Pretty sure.

ProfessorSnack Whenever my boys ask me about a bird I can’t identify, I just call it Larry.

tommycm Right. My new project ‘Moby Dick 2: failwhale’ isn’t going to write itself. Laters, Twitter.

jendenbrat I’m already placing bets that the next Fast & Furious movie will be called Fastier & Most Furiousest.

BenMcCool Ice Cube starring in Coors Lite commercials: about as gangsta as that time I bought flowers for my mum.

Mister_m00n “Ladies, Don’t get your panties in a bunch!!” — Supervisor at the panty factory.

slackmistress Right this very second, Jessie’s Girl is probably wishing she picked Rick Springfield.

bibliophagist Look, we can either sit around and moan or we can come up with some useful false dichotomies.

Mister_m00n I’m not one to blow my own horn, but with lots of yoga & practice I’m hoping someday I will.

LaurelSnyder My son has a habit of dropping his trousers in public places & then, mid-stream, screaming, “A little privacy, please!”

loganfountain The only thing I do strategically is eat nachos.

heyrenees Few things in life better than seriously funny people with Photoshop.

BabsGray This pizza tastes as good as being thin feels.

Mister_m00n I just drafted up a design for a combination cell phone / dildo. I’m calling it *The Sexophone *

ScrewyDecimal I told a kid to have patience as she waits for a hold to come in. She said: “I’m not really a ‘have patience’ kind of girl.” Word, sister.

sarcasmically Now that I can eat more than popsicles, I am on a binge. So hide yo’ kids hide yo’ wife because chances are they look delicious to me.

jonniker I’ve swaddled Brobee ten times. This is who I am now.

juicymorsel The best time to admit you are wrong is when you are all alone and no one can hear you.

mrpilkington Should have brought a Mexican-Coke with me to work today. Now THAT’S how you celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

goldengateblond I told Monster.com I’m a writer. Naturally, it suggested jobs in food service.

sween My wife just called her privates her sniddle-snatch-snoo. It’s like I’m married to Dr. Seuss.

NASeason Wait – Dyson makes a cordless handheld? I think I just came all over myself.

swedishpancake in my world every pair of shoes is comfortable, eyeliner is always perfect and stupid people can’t speak.

ladybirdj If a man says, “I don’t trust anything that bleeds once a month and doesn’t die” you should marry him because he thinks you’re immortal!

feistylibrarian Just let the pigeon drive the bus.

iasshole Reading Reader’s Digest is like letting your grandma drive the internet.

bazecraze Those commercials are more fun to watch if you pretend “going to Jared” is code for anal.

KeepingYouAwake My lawnmower has two speeds. One for chasing turtles and one for chasing bunnies. Does anyone else find this troubling?


What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Follow Friday – Your Mom’s Weekend

6 May

I am back at work today, slinging books and performing inventory while not yet feeling all that great, but I’ll manage. The photo above is one I let littleVictoriatake with my camera during the egg hunt on Easter. Local people might recognize the smiling man behind me. Have a great weekend, everybody! Especially all you mothers out there.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

louisvirtel I love when a narcissist like Perez Hilton says things like, “I stay true to myself.” Right. Because of the narcissism.

fierceflawless I think I’m going to start calling my dogs my “carnitas”.

helgagrace Patrons are shushing each other. #myworkisdone

stevelibrarian WhenSesame Street tells my children to turn off the TV and play outside, my brain feels like it did when I tried to figure out 13 Monkeys.

LouisPeitzman Just tried to show my ID to a random guy outside this bar. Cool or coolest?

MightyQuinn72 “I don’t think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed pants, Chewie” #replaceawordinastarwarslinewithpants

wordlust Is “interlibrary loan” a common slang term for sex with a librarian?

kerrianne Filed under, Calls I will Never Answer: The one you make to tell me you sent me an email, right after you send me an email.

KeepingYouAwake I don’t normally enjoy traffic, but I am totally getting off on this exit.

Squirreljustice Jesus is my co-pilot, which is why he’s responsible for half of the damage to my neighbor’s mailbox & the downed power lines, Your Honor.

Zaius13 Just got caught masturbating to “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”. Ah, the circle of life.

justaboutagirl Dear autocorrect, when have I ever needed to spell “tea Jedi”?

zachlunch When I wear cargo shorts, my cargo is usually sandwiches.

Cre8BeautyDaily Some baby names seem so cute, until you hear them shouted repeatedly across Target aisles.

eliza_evans Dear autocorrect: I probably never mean he’ll, shut or duck. Can we work something out here? Fog hamlet!

CorporateMonkey in my car: muddy wellies, shovel, trowel, work gloves, & jeans; map to an “unmarked grave” site in a field. bad night to get pulled over.

dantelfer Gay people are a trick played by Satan to make us believe in dinosaurs.

fierceflawless Listen, words with friends, if “desexers” isn’t a word, what do you call all the people who desex things?

21stcenturymrs I’m pretty sure my grandmother thinks email was invented to send people forwards about deadly clock radios and the end of days.

MeganBoley I keep making eyes at my crock pot everytime I pass him in the kitchen. He is so hard working and dreamy.

danielleward “I whip my hair back and forth” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

goldfischegirl “Sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

perronbrothers After I put the pets outside, I like to close the door on them really slowly like the final scene in The Godfather.

modinkpeeb To the baby raptor who ate my son in the night: Could you please at least try to find the decency to stop your Victory Shrieking?

mothmun I like to live like there’s no tomorrow; lying in bed, sobbing.

serraboten neighbour’s kid wrote ‘harper rules’ in chalk on the sidewalk. i wrote ‘harper eats kittens”. turns out the kid’s name is #harper. #elxn41

thejennui can’t sleep. conservatives will eat me.

blankslate D’ohCanada!!

letsgetgizzy I wish a guy would look at me the way the people in the Applebee’s commercial look at those new Sizzling Entrees.

fireland Sometimes I sneak into my kid’s room just to watch her sleep or see if she has any money lying around or some weed or Sun Chips or anything.

JerryThomas In space, no one can hear you scream. Everywhere else, you can just shut up already.

writtendad The paper liner they put on the chairs in the doctor’s office is composed of 50% paper and 50% sound.

modinkpeeb If Twitter Moms are in high school-y cliques, then I am totally the Cafeteria Lady.

helgagrace When a librarian says “it’s that time of the month,” it could easily refer to changing over the book displays.

rolldiggity Neighbor seemed upset that I stole his broken doorbell, but if he liked it then he should have put a ring on it.

mathowie I’m off to get my man tubes tied. If you needed a copy of my genetics to create a future race of super humans, you missed your chance.

joshmillard  According to Emily Post, one should never discuss one’s vasectomy publicly. It is unsemenly.

Greeblemonkey It’s “Magical Creatures” day at school, and Declan decided to be a troll, because he could not dress up, and just walk around grumpy.

Sigafoos Hey I wonder if Mark Twain ever said something witty about wanting someone dead.

LouisPeitzman I took a couple Xanax back when I thought Obama was going to announce an alien attack, so enjoy my tweets for the rest of the night.

JustinMcElroy How am I supposed to fall asleep with this Freedom Boner?

billyeichner I hesitate to celebrate Bin Laden’s death because I remember that time when Roseanne just replaced one Becky with another Becky.

danforthfrance I wonder what children’s book Bush was reading when he heard the news.

whitehouse Obama: “theUS is not – and never will be – at war with Islam…Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader; he was a mass murderer of Muslims.”

Cog_Dis Obama’s delay due to having to change. Biden dumped a cooler of Gatorade on him just as he was walking into the press conference.

Squirreljustice Attention Al Qaeda recruits: Due to recent events, monkeybars practice will be cancelled tomorrow.

jperrotto They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

Splurge24 Current Threat Level: Double Rainbow.

letsdiefriends It’s official. I found out about Osama Bin Laden via social media AND I was pooping at the time.

JacksonPearce I’m imagining the delay is because Obama and Biden are singing the “really most SINCERELY dead!” song from the Wizard of Oz to one another.

LizB you want to know why I don’t believe in conspiracy theories? because they couldn’t even keep the “what obama will say” secret for 20 minutes

telephase Osama Bin Laden has been dead for years. Did you see his Spring 2008 collection? Blech.

thejohnblog My proctologist just handed me my ass.

johnmoe 10yo’s class has project where they present report on famous person in character and interact. One kid’s doingEdison. Another one, Tesla.

Zaius13 I am filled with rage and yogurt. Most of the rage is about yogurt.

willgoldstein Fact: the flowers in “Pat the Bunny” smell like old lady.

ScrewyDecimal Patron, to me: “If I go to the bathroom, can you guarantee that my stuff will not be stolen?” So…WHO WANTS SOME FREE STUFF??

mitten The band we’re listening to isn’t on the program, but we think they’re called “My Dad’s in a Band”

BugginWord Nothing makes me feel classier than sharpie-ing up my shoes for a night on the town.

babybabylemon No, YOU are hiding from your toddler in the bathroom.

BeTheBoy Any burrito can be a breakfast burrito if you wake up early enough.

tommycm It’s May. Or ‘Meh’ as I like to call it.

michaeljnelson If you air quote while saying the words “air quote” you can actually get sucked into a wormhole.

Mister_m00n I like Orangina, but I’m afraid to try Grapenis.

peterbyrnes If erections lasting over four hours were truly dangerous no male would survive the Junior Prom.

ladybirdj Fast Five is a good name for the jerk off motion you give when you hear about Fast Five.

thejohnblog My spirit animal is that dog that says “I love you” at the start of the Beastie Boys’ ‘Sure Shot.’

mrseancullen UFC first time inToronto. To celebrate I guillotined the mailman and I have my mother in law in an arm bar. Success!

tommycm This red wine’s gone straight to my mouth.

slackmistress Really wanted to follow my 2 mile run with a beer. I guess that means I’m not adopted.

apodixis Whatever you do, don’t look at your cat’s browser history.

JerryThomas It must be weird being an Olsen Twin, where your main function in life is to stand next to somebody and look similar.

swedishpancake In case you were curious.. it’s possible to have an entire conversation just usingWayne’s World quotes.

bryan_champ If you want to understand the workings of congress, then watch a group of 5 year olds try to agree on the rules to Shoots and Ladders

jberthume Terrific John Oliver quote: “Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.”

slackmistress “We can rebuild it. We have the technology.” – Kate Middleton’s virginity

mamaspohr The #royalwedding has totally overshadowed Red Lobster’s Festival of Shrimp!

eareeve I probably shouldn’t put “I have great hair.” in my cover letter, right? Nah, they’ll see it when I interview.

goodinthestacks Today I witnessed what I thought was duck cannibalism but it just turns out that’s how ducks make love. Face down in a puddle.

rosamundi still bemused by the fact that Donald Trump has all that money and he can’t buy a wig that doesn’t look like a long-haired guinea pig.

OhHereWeGo Alright, what’s going on tonight? Let’s get together and stand outside a building while there’s something happening inside! Weirdos only!

MagpieLibrarian Tuck Everlasting is apparently not a YA novel about drag queens.

momwentcrazy Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched “ninjas”. The computer told me “Ninjas cannot be found”. Well played, ninjas, well played.

Lilacmess Oil companies = the actual welfare queens

morgan_murphy I went through I phase where I only had sex with Mexican guys. God, I loved my señor year.


What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.