Tag Archives: tweets

Follow Friday – OMFN

6 Jan

While rewriting my Life List I noticed that many (er, most) of my new items involve food. Even most of my travel items are food-related. I’ve had food on the brain and I can’t get it off, so this week I’m featuring photos of food that is OMFN.

And now, to announce the winner of the gorgeous, Vegan-approved handmade Inez Gill bow… Congratulations, Amanda! Please email me your address and tell me the size, color, style, and backing of your choice to receive your lovely bow!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

courtney_s I remember when james franco and I were querying our respective novels and I was like james you can’t just send them your headshot.

lord_voldemort7 They are making a Twilight MUSICAL. If the world doesn’t end in 2012 on its own I am going to have to do it myself.

pourmecoffee God, I don’t mean to get in your business but maybe you are telling the wrong candidates to run. Your call, of course.

MrWordsWorth Michele Bachman Announces Candidacy For A Fox News Show.

FarrenSquare Back off, every other girl, ever. I’ve loved Ryan Gosling since Breaker High!

sushi_goat Hey lets just do all political systems at once.

dejah_thoris Fanny Friends Hemherroid Cushion ad following Daria?! WTF?!!!

taralibrara Patron wants books on self motivation. Has me look up his number and wants me to pick the books for him. You decide he sez. #storyofmylife

MmeSurly Sometimes you have to take your 2yo to the post office dressed in a blanket & pink rainboots because he is pretending to be “Princess Girl.”

floatinglush Dear Words With Friends, I’d like you a whole lot better if you forked over some vowels. N lv, FltngLsh

joe_hill Michele Bachman pledges to continue running for president as head of the new Psycho Eyes party. Steve Buschemi is her running mate.

michael_J_m00n I gave a urine sample today but my cup was half empty. They said I was negative.

TheBlackStar Quick Poll: Lightening Bolts or Skull & Crossbones? #manscaping

ohcrys The more I think I’m alone in my craziness the more I realize the rest of the world is batshit insane right along with me.

alwysabridesmd Time to transform into my detective alter ego, nosy single lady taking out the trash.

sarcasmically Just introduced my son to beatboxing because I want him… to emulate these musicians and make noise ALL THE TIME? CRAP WHAT WAS I THINKING.

InfiniteChicken OH: “Well, after I saw my dad’s I knew I had to get a pair.” #IAm12

JLYoungsma “Ooooh, a new Katherine Hiegel movie!” -no one.

steenyweeny the complete works of tears for fears is inside my brain

papersquared @exlibris I’m just going to add beads to my cat’s and crochet him a beret. #buttdreds

SpaghettiJesus Everyone was so high from 1969 to 1989 that I vote on a do over.

allisonthemeep If I were a mushroom farmer, I’d start a side project rock band and call it “Loose Morels.”

AlmightyBoob DONT LAY DOWN WHILE LISTENING TO MORRISSEY! IF YOU FALL ASLEEP YOU’LL NEVER WAKE UP AGAIN

Smethanie It’s not that I LIKE spiders, I just save my helpless card for better stuff — flat tires, hard-to-open jars, people I need killed.

MassageByTed Aamco, Maaco, and Amoco should be forced to fight to the death and the winner called Ma’amMoCo

stevesilberman From a scientist friend: “Has any savvy amphibian biologist named a new species of salamander, Lisbeth? That’d be awesome.”

pnkrcklibrarian Because *I* know when I think of British television, I totally think of Star Trek, X-Files, Gangs of New York, and The Tudors. Totally.

JLYoungsma The sound of my vacuum sucking up stale raisins is equal to my heaven.

joeinverarity The baby made an atomic fart on my leg. I am now more powerful than the Toxic Avenger.

amazinqatheis tI ate the flying spaghetti monster

JillMorris Whenever I need to cry on cue I think of skanking.

writtenper New couch means no dogs allowed if they’re wet/damp from outside. Dogs’ reaction: WHY DO YOU HATE US NOW OMG WE ARE DYING.

Athenabee If my dog barks and wakes up Zofia, I will have him drawn and quartered. #realtalk

premmeridian Dreamt last night that mice were putting on a production of ‘Les Miserables’ at my workplace. At least, I think it was a dream.

JillMorris The LA arsonist set 55 fires in four days yet I lack the productivity to mail a thank you note.

LouisPeitzman I cackle a lot for someone who has only ever ridden a broomstick recreationally.

BeTheBoy Can’t believe it’s been 30 years since the discovery of Pac-Man Fever and still no cure.

NicLewis “The Towering Inferno” reminds me of every game of The Sims I ever played.

MightyQuinn72 An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple in bed gets me “do you have to eat that like a goddamn horse? I’m tryin to sleep”

noshwithme When they catch the arsonist they should play a loop of siren and helicopter sounds in his jail cell at night.

JerryThomas Somehow the cat wrestled the laser pointer away from me and now I’m exhausted and he’s having my suits retailored to fit him.

sushi_goat PROTIP: DON’T EVER THINK ABOUT THINGS THEY ARE SUCH A FUCKING BUMMER

ruthakers “I was born to run.” -Diarrhea.

BeTheBoyMy wife is asleep, my New Year’s resolution to use more chloroform is a success.

LouisPeitzman “It gets better.” – what I tell depressed gay kids who have just started watching Buffy

TheNardvark What’s your favorite TV show to listen to while you stare at your phone?

Toaster_Pastry Currently wasting precious daylight guessing Tweeters underlying emotional disorders.

HouseTalkN Researching puppy training – where is the one that teaches the pup to clean my house???

wordlust New Irish curse: “May you die, then be reincarnated as a little white girl, then die again, then be exploited by Nancy Grace!”

TheMostTender  I’m worried that the soul of the man I’m supposed to marry is trapped in my friend’s cat.

inktwice  Square…if you’re going to bring elements of older FF games, how about you: 1) bring every element of FF7 2) call it FF7 3)??? 4) PROFIT

jendenbrat  If I’ve learned anything from cartoons it’s that animals and inanimate objects are struggling with the same moral dilemmas as I am.

SpaghettiJesus I will never sell out bc I’m a man of principles and I’ve always got more where that came from.

mikeleffingwell “What I want isn’t on the menu,” I said as I eyed the waitress seductively. “Oh wait, yes it is. Can I have the buffalo wings?”

Disalmanac UPDATE: Santorum is surging in Iowa. Try not to step in any. Jesus.

MightyHunter Where my gerunds at?

LaurelKS The best way to start 2012 is completely hangover-free even though I was knee walking drunk last night. Winning!

sarcasmically Woke up and kids were gone. Silent house. SANTA CAME LATE THIS YEAR, BUT HE CAME.

sawaboof This needing to eat thing is really messing with my plans to stay on the couch all day.

sushi_goat YOU ARE MOTHER IS SO UGLY THAT I WOULD NOT PUT MY REPRODUCTION MECHANISM IN HER

RaeBeta Introducing my parents to @theisb‘s Tarot reviews, because it’s not Christmas until the whole family is yelling “Your vagina is haunted!”

joeinverarity Warning to all: if someone tells you an infant had a present for you, it isn’t a nice bottle of wine. Get the hell out while you can.

joe_hill Benedict Cumberbatch is so awesome in WARHORSE, his name ought to be Benedict Cumberbigballs.

MassageByTed That, sir, is an extraordinarily well-appointed cat box.

mwilliamrice SPOILER ALERT: Caillou is going to fuck it up.

slennonharris Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyp

trumpetcake If your motorcycle is louder than me reciting the alphabet to a child you are a butt.

jenniferweiner I’m okay with Linny and Tuck, but Ming-Ming’s kind of an asshole.

msbellows Cool! I’ve rcd an email naming me to the International Association of Successful Individuals! #NotClickingTheLink

mrteacup Marxist restaurant reviews: “Even though they’re plunged into the icy water of egotistical calculation, the waitstaff are SO NICE!”

palinode Don’t buy grated Parmesan! Simply rub a block of fresh parm gently against Matthew McConaghey’s face. #cookingtips

MightyQuinn72 Reading a paper manual this morning I put my finger on the page and swiped it like a touch screen. This is what’s called “natural selection.”

RideOrDiePudge WARNING: The Chris Angel Ultimate Mind Freak Magic Kit may cause wives, girlfriends and other female companions to disappear.

rstevens The distance between “buy cold medication” and “lose cold medication” gets shorter every time.

TristinaWright I love that my FIL’s status on gchat is always, “COOKING BACON” – I married into a great family.

PolyesterPony Does the world still exist? Asking for a friend.

apelad  Without spoiling anything major, can someone just tell me if the war horse starts or ends the war?

DamienFahey  I dislike children but I LOVE yelling, “STOP IT!” in public…so I’m having a kid.

dr_spidermanMD  A SALAD BAR IS A BINDING LEGAL CONTRACT GUYS STOP SHARING

TheMostTender  My littlest cousin just asked me what grade I’m in. He is now my favorite human being of all time.

C_Vilela  OH: “This stuff tastes awful!! How has Tim Horton’s duped an entire nation? It’s like North Korea!”

kevingchristy  the next time someone says to you “I don’t watch television” say “what’s television?” It’s the checkmate of pretentious lies.

palinode My new goal in Skyrim is to kill every living thing in it, except for the guy who sells me my arrows.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Garden Helper

8 Jul

With all the time we’ve spent outside this summer putting in our new lawn, building a pergola, and generally trying not to get eaten by our rabid wisteria, Isobel has taken a keen interest in gardening. Basically, she wants to do whatever Mama is doing, and when we’re outside, Mama is gardening. My good friend Jake went with us to a nursery recently and helped me pick out some herbs for the garden. While at there we picked up a set of child-sized gloves for Isobel. They are laughable too big but she adores them anyway.

I made the mistake of telling Isobel the herbs we bought were “baby” plants, and now she loves them. A little too much, actually, because within the first three days she loved my basil and dill to death. The others I’ve managed to keep alive by making sure she doesn’t love on them too much.When I wasn’t looking, however, I found out she had been repeatedly watering my cactus. I now need a new cactus.

 

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.



sgnp Halfway through “Splice” now. I’m beginning to suspect it’s a Björk biopic.

kwmurphy My bologna has a first name. It’s Janet. Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.

hotdogsladies Remember: when you eat poop ironically, you’re still totally eating poop.

badbanana “He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently.”

steenyweeny any Garys following me? if so i apologize but i normally use your name as a profanity.

shinyinfo I’ve taken to my bedchamber in despair! Also that is where the air conditioner is.

KeepingYouAwake “Don’t be scared, I’m not going to kill you” is possibly the least comforting phrase ever.

RailbirdJ 30 people have found my blog this week by searching “naked planking” I think I should win something.

nuunisms “Fuck this shit.” ~ A mantra that will never prove invalid.

ProfessorSnack I think “Rending Topics” would be more descriptive.

KeepingYouAwake Yes, for your information, I do kiss your mother with this mouth.

Sigafoos Comment from spam from work: “Well macadamia nuts, how about that.” I don’t know how to respond. They said it all.

eliza_evans I can buy an at-home waffle cone maker? This changes EVERYTHING.

BridgetCallahan I like to think the guy in the Applebees commercial who says “I love when that happens.” kills himself as soon as he walks off shot.

PolyesterPony I could cook or I could simply eat this bean dip with a spoon.

JohnFugelsang I seriously haven’t seen Nancy Grace this furious since her bungling henchmen let those Dalmatians escape.

babybabylemon The downside is I dropped an entire jar of pepperponcinis on the floor. The upside is that my house smells like a delicious deli.

mommywantsvodka I like to imagine all the Diet Coke I drink is acting as a preservative. Preserving me from the inside out.

bebehblog My toddler is officially old enough to follow orders when I say “Evan, get that dirty piece of napkin out of the baby’s mouth” #winning

thebookpolice I like seeing raccoons, deer, and turkeys when I drive into work and thinking, “I’ve eaten all of you.”

modinkpeeb At least Phineas and Ferb are trending again. It feels so good to get on with our lives.

kwmurphy Just ended a good day’s work by writing a poop joke for a cyborg.

stateiamin My favorite kind of cheese is….all the kinds.

JillMorris The cat bath I tried to give was so ridiculous it could have won an MTV Movie Award for Best Cat Bath.

KeepingYouAwake I’m only excited about “to do” lists, if I’m potentially on them, and the list-maker is hot.

RailbirdJ Whatever you do, for the rest of the day, DO NOT LOOK AT FACEBOOK. You’ll thank me later.

steenyweeny I SWEAR TO HOTDOGS IF YOU GUYS BREAK THE INTERNET OVER THIS.

jennifurret I want a shirt that says “Bloggers: Raising awareness one internet shitstorm at a time”

theleanover Um… why do nards call me on my cellphone? Hello, I pay for text messaging so I never have to talk to anyone ever. Get with the times.

ScrewyDecimal It’s a shame that openly weeping at the reference desk is frowned upon.

danielgrosvenor Someone really needs to invent a GPS app that helps you find the exit in IKEA.

lianamaeby Tweeting about how you’re not gonna tweet about that thing is the new not tweeting about that thing.

shinyinfo I’m in Beal City for 4th of July and I’m not drunk on a pontoon boat. What am I doing with my life???

markleggett Nikon really nailed it with their new camera specifically designed to take flattering photos of genitalia. It even works on animals!

BeTheBoy Didn’t go to the Dodger game because they wouldn’t honor the military discount despite the fact that I was in my KISS Army uniform.

sween Thank you, “Transformers”, for making “Independence Day” look stately.

slackmistress Glad this wine isn’t going to drink itself, cause then I’d have some overachieving wine that’d probably think it was too good for me.

LPCookbook I feel impatient waiting for fireworks but it is less because of the magic and more because bitch gotta get up for work in like 9 hours.

antigone_spit My mom: “This is not the Mystery Science version so shut up. But if you want to put a gumball machine on your head feel free.”

kerrianne “This is my childhood in pie form,” she said as she merrily sat down in front of a gleaming triangle of huckleberries and flaky crust.

maggiesox Drinking boxed wine out of a plastic cup while watching fireworks from a Rita’s parking lot. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

BillCorbett If you don’t lose at least three fingers to fireworks tonight, I say your love of country is suspect. #GoBackToRussia

johnmoe The name “Lowly Worm” tells you all you need to know about the brutal Busytown caste system.

muffpunch Just dropped my first f bomb in front of a kid. This party just got started.

theleanover Too many Kardashian sex tapes; not enough Nigella Lawson sex tapes. #ReasonsWhySocietyIsCollapsing

SisterHuff Pants falling down, Pants falling down #ReasonsWhySocietyIsCollapsing

theleanover Guns are cheaper than medical treatment. #ReasonsWhySocietyIsCollapsing

theleanover Your mom. #ReasonsWhySocietyIsCollapsing

kellyoxford I’d love a video montage of every single time I’ve walked into a room and forgotten why I’m in there.

markleggett Let’s not forget who the greatest American hero is: Ralph Hinkley.

steenyweeny ‘aw shit i’m out of agave nectar!’ is a sentence i never thought i would say.

theneener Hooray! It’s that time of the month! You know, the time where I pay my rent and buy groceries.

daddytwocoats Someone referenced a joke I made in a show on Twitter. This must be how Oprah feels.

JosephScrimshaw If you want to blow your hand off with firecrackers, that’s your right. Or your left, depending on which hand you use. #America

thejohnblog “ACCIO JACK DANIELS!”

thebookpolice This land is your land, this land is my land–from the Rocky Mountains, to the two pounds of short ribs in my fridge marinatin’.

MightyHunter Earthlings will always defeat aliens because Earthlings are willing to punch aliens in the face. #independenceday

apodixis Making a movie about today. It’s going to be called “There Will Be Beer.”

theleanover Goodbye, losers! aka unfollowers.

mrteacup The quality of a relationship can be perfectly measured by the length of a mutually agreed-upon netflix queue

modinkpeeb Just ate a hot dog in two bites. Ladies?

unrealsnow Wine tasting places make me wish I carried a disguise kit with me all the time.

PolyesterPonyReheating coffee on the stove top. Like my grandma. Also, wearing support hose.

evandawson I’m proud to be an American, which gives me the freedom to say that the song Proud to be an American is dreadful.

jimmyfairplay I told my dad how many followers I have. He just pointed at stuff he’d built with his hands. You win this round, dad.

wolfpupy Grounded again for delivering the Peoples Elbow to the cat.

apodixis Constant Bliss, Humboldt Fog, Purple Haze. California cheeses all have pot names.

blanklibrarian @exlibris I said “Sweet Baby Picard Jesus!” the other day on fb w/out realizing it’s not really a thing. Except it is now. You’re spreading.

thejohnblog I just woke up with a hangover again, but I’m annoyed that it’s not as good or original as the first one.

B_tothe_S Weed & Feed is lawn fertilizer? I thought it was just something stoners did.

letsgetgizzy The random alley fireworks don’t scare me, but the bag of garbage sitting in the kitchen that I thought was a murderer did.

stevetweeters Day 1 of living in a rural community: A bug flew into my ear.

rstevens I should paint my apartment black with orange gridlines and tell ladies that my Holodeck is broken. #humblebragthenextgeneration

steenyweeny based on how successful my patio garden is, i’m shocked there’s enough food in the world for more than 9 people.

johnmoe Is that a passive aggressive dig at the end of the alphabet song? Like was I supposed to sing with you THIS time?

modinkpeeb Skanks: A good time for you to bathe in Beyonce’s new scent is when it’s 100 degrees and 400% humidity.

GoGadgetGadget Your condescending tone is so sexy. Look! It’s giving my middle finger a boner.

maggiesox So it turns out that I am the kind of asshole who will correct you in public if you get your dinosaurs wrong.

RailbirdJ We can be friends no matter what race, religion, sexual orientation or political party you are. You just can’t vote for Palin.

sgnp Thanks for the sex! #fourwordsaftersex

stray Friends are the people you wish were your siblings.

librarianearp I asked Papa Bear if he’d be my sugar daddy. He said yes and gave me a mint. I don’t think he understands what I meant.

pnkrcklibrarian It’s a truth universally acknowledged a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of an Internet startup to call his own.

lauracope Dust Storms May Exist is a really philosophical way to put it, New Mexico.

jadesongbird When you saw one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I ate your feet.  #ZombieProverbs

ProfessorSnack I have 5 bottles of BBQ sauce and no meat in the house. My subconscious must have big plans for the neighborhood this holiday weekend.

mrteacup The quality of a relationship can be perfectly measured by the length of a mutually agreed-upon netflix queue.

 

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.



Follow Friday – Your Mom’s Weekend

6 May

I am back at work today, slinging books and performing inventory while not yet feeling all that great, but I’ll manage. The photo above is one I let littleVictoriatake with my camera during the egg hunt on Easter. Local people might recognize the smiling man behind me. Have a great weekend, everybody! Especially all you mothers out there.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

louisvirtel I love when a narcissist like Perez Hilton says things like, “I stay true to myself.” Right. Because of the narcissism.

fierceflawless I think I’m going to start calling my dogs my “carnitas”.

helgagrace Patrons are shushing each other. #myworkisdone

stevelibrarian WhenSesame Street tells my children to turn off the TV and play outside, my brain feels like it did when I tried to figure out 13 Monkeys.

LouisPeitzman Just tried to show my ID to a random guy outside this bar. Cool or coolest?

MightyQuinn72 “I don’t think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed pants, Chewie” #replaceawordinastarwarslinewithpants

wordlust Is “interlibrary loan” a common slang term for sex with a librarian?

kerrianne Filed under, Calls I will Never Answer: The one you make to tell me you sent me an email, right after you send me an email.

KeepingYouAwake I don’t normally enjoy traffic, but I am totally getting off on this exit.

Squirreljustice Jesus is my co-pilot, which is why he’s responsible for half of the damage to my neighbor’s mailbox & the downed power lines, Your Honor.

Zaius13 Just got caught masturbating to “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”. Ah, the circle of life.

justaboutagirl Dear autocorrect, when have I ever needed to spell “tea Jedi”?

zachlunch When I wear cargo shorts, my cargo is usually sandwiches.

Cre8BeautyDaily Some baby names seem so cute, until you hear them shouted repeatedly across Target aisles.

eliza_evans Dear autocorrect: I probably never mean he’ll, shut or duck. Can we work something out here? Fog hamlet!

CorporateMonkey in my car: muddy wellies, shovel, trowel, work gloves, & jeans; map to an “unmarked grave” site in a field. bad night to get pulled over.

dantelfer Gay people are a trick played by Satan to make us believe in dinosaurs.

fierceflawless Listen, words with friends, if “desexers” isn’t a word, what do you call all the people who desex things?

21stcenturymrs I’m pretty sure my grandmother thinks email was invented to send people forwards about deadly clock radios and the end of days.

MeganBoley I keep making eyes at my crock pot everytime I pass him in the kitchen. He is so hard working and dreamy.

danielleward “I whip my hair back and forth” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

goldfischegirl “Sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

perronbrothers After I put the pets outside, I like to close the door on them really slowly like the final scene in The Godfather.

modinkpeeb To the baby raptor who ate my son in the night: Could you please at least try to find the decency to stop your Victory Shrieking?

mothmun I like to live like there’s no tomorrow; lying in bed, sobbing.

serraboten neighbour’s kid wrote ‘harper rules’ in chalk on the sidewalk. i wrote ‘harper eats kittens”. turns out the kid’s name is #harper. #elxn41

thejennui can’t sleep. conservatives will eat me.

blankslate D’ohCanada!!

letsgetgizzy I wish a guy would look at me the way the people in the Applebee’s commercial look at those new Sizzling Entrees.

fireland Sometimes I sneak into my kid’s room just to watch her sleep or see if she has any money lying around or some weed or Sun Chips or anything.

JerryThomas In space, no one can hear you scream. Everywhere else, you can just shut up already.

writtendad The paper liner they put on the chairs in the doctor’s office is composed of 50% paper and 50% sound.

modinkpeeb If Twitter Moms are in high school-y cliques, then I am totally the Cafeteria Lady.

helgagrace When a librarian says “it’s that time of the month,” it could easily refer to changing over the book displays.

rolldiggity Neighbor seemed upset that I stole his broken doorbell, but if he liked it then he should have put a ring on it.

mathowie I’m off to get my man tubes tied. If you needed a copy of my genetics to create a future race of super humans, you missed your chance.

joshmillard  According to Emily Post, one should never discuss one’s vasectomy publicly. It is unsemenly.

Greeblemonkey It’s “Magical Creatures” day at school, and Declan decided to be a troll, because he could not dress up, and just walk around grumpy.

Sigafoos Hey I wonder if Mark Twain ever said something witty about wanting someone dead.

LouisPeitzman I took a couple Xanax back when I thought Obama was going to announce an alien attack, so enjoy my tweets for the rest of the night.

JustinMcElroy How am I supposed to fall asleep with this Freedom Boner?

billyeichner I hesitate to celebrate Bin Laden’s death because I remember that time when Roseanne just replaced one Becky with another Becky.

danforthfrance I wonder what children’s book Bush was reading when he heard the news.

whitehouse Obama: “theUS is not – and never will be – at war with Islam…Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader; he was a mass murderer of Muslims.”

Cog_Dis Obama’s delay due to having to change. Biden dumped a cooler of Gatorade on him just as he was walking into the press conference.

Squirreljustice Attention Al Qaeda recruits: Due to recent events, monkeybars practice will be cancelled tomorrow.

jperrotto They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

Splurge24 Current Threat Level: Double Rainbow.

letsdiefriends It’s official. I found out about Osama Bin Laden via social media AND I was pooping at the time.

JacksonPearce I’m imagining the delay is because Obama and Biden are singing the “really most SINCERELY dead!” song from the Wizard of Oz to one another.

LizB you want to know why I don’t believe in conspiracy theories? because they couldn’t even keep the “what obama will say” secret for 20 minutes

telephase Osama Bin Laden has been dead for years. Did you see his Spring 2008 collection? Blech.

thejohnblog My proctologist just handed me my ass.

johnmoe 10yo’s class has project where they present report on famous person in character and interact. One kid’s doingEdison. Another one, Tesla.

Zaius13 I am filled with rage and yogurt. Most of the rage is about yogurt.

willgoldstein Fact: the flowers in “Pat the Bunny” smell like old lady.

ScrewyDecimal Patron, to me: “If I go to the bathroom, can you guarantee that my stuff will not be stolen?” So…WHO WANTS SOME FREE STUFF??

mitten The band we’re listening to isn’t on the program, but we think they’re called “My Dad’s in a Band”

BugginWord Nothing makes me feel classier than sharpie-ing up my shoes for a night on the town.

babybabylemon No, YOU are hiding from your toddler in the bathroom.

BeTheBoy Any burrito can be a breakfast burrito if you wake up early enough.

tommycm It’s May. Or ‘Meh’ as I like to call it.

michaeljnelson If you air quote while saying the words “air quote” you can actually get sucked into a wormhole.

Mister_m00n I like Orangina, but I’m afraid to try Grapenis.

peterbyrnes If erections lasting over four hours were truly dangerous no male would survive the Junior Prom.

ladybirdj Fast Five is a good name for the jerk off motion you give when you hear about Fast Five.

thejohnblog My spirit animal is that dog that says “I love you” at the start of the Beastie Boys’ ‘Sure Shot.’

mrseancullen UFC first time inToronto. To celebrate I guillotined the mailman and I have my mother in law in an arm bar. Success!


tommycm This red wine’s gone straight to my mouth.

slackmistress Really wanted to follow my 2 mile run with a beer. I guess that means I’m not adopted.

apodixis Whatever you do, don’t look at your cat’s browser history.

JerryThomas It must be weird being an Olsen Twin, where your main function in life is to stand next to somebody and look similar.

swedishpancake In case you were curious.. it’s possible to have an entire conversation just usingWayne’s World quotes.

bryan_champ If you want to understand the workings of congress, then watch a group of 5 year olds try to agree on the rules to Shoots and Ladders

jberthume Terrific John Oliver quote: “Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.”

slackmistress “We can rebuild it. We have the technology.” – Kate Middleton’s virginity

mamaspohr The #royalwedding has totally overshadowed Red Lobster’s Festival of Shrimp!

eareeve I probably shouldn’t put “I have great hair.” in my cover letter, right? Nah, they’ll see it when I interview.

goodinthestacks Today I witnessed what I thought was duck cannibalism but it just turns out that’s how ducks make love. Face down in a puddle.

rosamundi still bemused by the fact that Donald Trump has all that money and he can’t buy a wig that doesn’t look like a long-haired guinea pig.

OhHereWeGo Alright, what’s going on tonight? Let’s get together and stand outside a building while there’s something happening inside! Weirdos only!

MagpieLibrarian Tuck Everlasting is apparently not a YA novel about drag queens.

momwentcrazy Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched “ninjas”. The computer told me “Ninjas cannot be found”. Well played, ninjas, well played.

Lilacmess Oil companies = the actual welfare queens

morgan_murphy I went through I phase where I only had sex with Mexican guys. God, I loved my señor year.

 

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.


Follow Friday – The State of Our Union

28 Jan

Last night I had two dreams that Anthony had come home, and one dream that my friend Justin offered to drive me to LA on his motorcycle. This was right after my friend Jon Buck had offered to take me to LA on his bicycle. (I declined the bicycle offer.)

Today is the day! Anthony is coming home! 

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

markleggett Jerking off tons of random guys has really helped improve my Shake Weight technique.

StephenAtHome If we’re going to compete with Chinese tiger moms, we need to let actual tigers raise our kids. It would teach them ferociousness!

SarrahPalinU5A I think I’ll take a pic of my vag and text it to this hot dude at the gym.

GirlDetective My American Dream is to someday become the anonymous person who irritatingly coughs throughout the entire State of the Union address. #SOTU

apelad “Hold on to sixteen as long as you can. Changes come around real soon, make us women and men.” -Barack Obama #SOTU

BarackObama Starting this year, no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love. #SOTU

danforthfrance Infrastructure! Innovation! Obama’s vision of the future brought to you by 3M. #SOTU

happyrobot OHNOES! MUSLINS! STAY AWAY FROM MY JESUS! #SOTU

waitwait Obama just attempted to reach out to normal Americans with an aeronautical engineering analogy. #SOTU

BillCorbett I AM PUTTING SALMON IN MY BONG BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT TOLD ME TO #SOTU

autumnlibrarian John McCain looks like the Penguin. #SOTU

shinyinfo Who invited that dour looking orange scarecrow behind Obama? #SOTU

JerryThomas The longer this speech goes on, the more Boehner tilts to the right. #SOTU

lafix There’s Michele Bachmann, thinking about candy. #SOTU

edeniowa my mammogram tech complimented my boots at my exam & I heard it as “your boobs are adorable”. then got that she was referring to my wellies.

heyrenees This grown ass man in a suit sitting next to me is reading a Star Wars paperback. I kind of love him.

mommywantsvodka The only reason that Thundercats could be trending is because today has swung decidedly up.

diskopo Jersey Shore will have more seasons than Arrested Development. Hope you’re proud of yourselves, humanity.

nicpiper Comic Sans presentations all day. I ready to meet my maker. Now please.

iHubby “Do you guys know where I can get one of those necklaces with a gold ‘t’ on it?”
“it’s a cross.”

“Across from where?”

inversejaik K: Thus spoke Zarathushtra: “suck it n00b lol”

Greeblemonkey You get all caught up in life’s bullshit – but I tell you, it really all comes down to clean sheets.

TheRedQueen Nigela is judging and the secret ingredient is cheese. It’s like Iron Chef can read exlibris‘ mind.

sucittaM I don’t remember if the toilet water was blue or not before I sat down, so there’s a chance I’m magical.

MrWordsWorth On the seventh day, she rested. #OprahsSecret

apodixis The corner store is selling “breakfast cookies.” The way I see it, all cookies are breakfast cookies if you have the right attitude.

simontarr I think my wife and I are playing chicken with taking out the trash. I can win this.

sween I missed the end of the game. Who caught the Snitch? (Please don’t say Slytherin.)

peterbyrnes I wonder what would happen if Budweiser took half its football-game advertising budget and spent it on improving the taste of the beer.

kanyewest I just threw some bassoon on this muthafucka

himissjulie I think it is inevitable that the phrase “Who’s a good little kitty?” will be followed by “FUCK! OUCH!” and blood.

smileydooby Ludacris’ real name of course is ludachristopher

Gen_with_a_G Guess what, everyone? I don’t care about football. Like at all. Well, I guess I like the snacks. Go cheese dip!

UncleDynamite The crisper drawer has a somewhat inflated sense of its’ abilities.

MrWordsWorth It’s days like these that I wish I had cheated at the Kobayashi Maru.

thejennui So far no one has taken me up on the “I will give you a dollar if you stop autotweeting your Twitterscope” offer. It still stands.

Bookish_Bitch I sent that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces.

apelad Nothing gives me a false sense of superiority like looking up celebrities on twitter & blocking them. This must be how Ricky Gervais feels.

thebookpolice Pug was sleeping so hard, he forgot how to eat biscuits. Made a huge clumsy mess, paused frequently. Just asked, “Is this real life?”

NoStylePoints Recent search that brought someone to my blog: “I have a panic attack and then I need to poop.”

willgoldstein I wish Twitter had a manlier vocab. Who wants to help rename things? Like, instead of “tweets”, let’s call them “ka-blammos”.

GorillaSushi Outside the realm of noodles, the most underused unit of measurement is the Oodle.

robkroese Didn’t we establish the Time Cops specifically to prevent people from winning the future?

DamienFahey It took me until age 25 to realize that women with big boobs aren’t pregnant with “chest babies”.

thejennui Zuckerberg hacked makes me giggle. So sorry about your privacy invasion.

pattonoswalt Just once, Obama: “Caaaaaan yooooou DIG IT?!?!” #SOTU


What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Updating Mah Twitters

15 Nov

Probably everyone who reads this blog is familiar with twitter. I have a twitter account that I abuse the hell out of by using it as an outlet for complaints, frustrations, and inform people about what I’m eating the the dreams I’ve been having. So yeah, it’s pretty pointless but I’ve found it’s a wonderful way for me to connect to other mothers who are having the same stresses and doubts I’ve been having, as well as it being a safe place for me to vent about stupid coworkers and bitches named Grendel. You know, the kind of smack-talk that if you expressed in your real life you’d get fired or ostracized or deported.  Plus, most of my friends have broken down and signed up for twitter so I can easily stay in touch with friends and family. I take comfort in the fact that they know what I had for dinner, and vice versa.

Isobel, who has never known a life without the iphone, also has a special relationship with twitter. Often she will “borrow” my phone or keyboard while I’m tweeting an add her own pearls of wisdom to the conversation. That’s inevitably what has happened when you see tweets like this:

That was not, in fact, a butt-tweet. It was a toddler tweet. And I have photographic evidence:

After Isobel was born I was filled with crazy New Mother Hormones and did the most logical thing that occurred  to me at the time: I set up a twitter account for Isobel.  I wanted to use it as a way to record milestones but it ended up being an outlet for further ridiculousness. Here’s a sampling of her tweets:

I don’t update her account all that often so if you’re not put off by intermittent ridiculousness it’s the account for you. I am planning to use it for more milestone-type tweeting in the future, which inevitably means more ridiculousness to follow. Please know that she will only follow you back if you are a pet or a baby, because once you’ve taken that small step past the border of  ridiculousness, you may as well move all the way in to Crazy Town.

Follow Friday

16 Jul

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

bookgirlsb Unsurprisingly, the baby does not respond to my command of “roll over!” any better today than yesterday.

Jewles Oh, Sandra Lee you trashy Semi-Homemade Ho.

lafix Sarah Palin used “refudiate” in a sentence. I think she needs to studiate her vocabulade before she pontifitalks on the televade.

stray I’d like to thank @FritoLay for making Doritos so crunchy (and the bags so noisy)that patrons cannot eat them secretly in a library.

wordlust Mexico is America’s balls, but Canada is America’s boobs. So that evens out.

eareeve Okay, doing librarianesque things now. You know, shushing and the like.

shinyinfo Whenever I get a message on facebook telling me that I should “Like” something, I always reply in my head: “You should like deez nuts.”

michaeljnelson Why are there so many boys in my yard…? Oh, NO – it’s my milkshake! YOU’LL GET MY MILKSHAKE WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!

Shantiwallah @exlibris MWK Woman seeks millet for a good time. Willing to meet at your place or mine for steamy affair. Send details of location.

JerryThomas In The News: Single Cat Found Living In House With 107 Crazy Old Ladies.

AKRyder Just got a automated survey from the AK Republican Party. Funny how I had to speak REEEEEAAAAALLLYYY SSSSLLLLLOOOOWWWW for it to understand.

LaurelKS I am a complex system of problems.

TheLiB How many of you are subconsciously still waiting for that “something exciting” to happen in your life? It won’t come to you. Make it happen.

lilpyrogirl @exlibris I’d enter the contest but the only one skinny enough for a size 2 in my house is the cat and she gets pissed when I dress her up.

TheBlackStar @exlibris I am not entering that contest, I might win, then you will make me wear it for pictures.

BugginWord Why is it that every time I send someone a link, their first response is, “Will I get fired?” I’m getting a bad rep.

unrealsnow I feel like if I translated my job frustrations into LolCats, they would be less offensive & more adorable & I could get jobs that way.

sween I’m trying to work, but my cat doesn’t seem to understand it’s not cuddle time. I think he has Aspurrger’s.

JerryThomas If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice? Oh, I get it. The adorable little rock band is trying to think.

asiajane I am the queen of burning things.

WindsorGrace I enjoy it when people compare their age to mine by using gaming systems

ApocalypseHow Troops train for Afghanistan on LA streets. Say they’re “demoralized” by “hellish quagmire with no exit” & also wary about Afghanistan.

leahlibrarian Plans for today: couch, couch, couch, couch, pants?, couch, couch, FFVII, couch, couch, pizza, couch, pajamas. #bestdayever

notperfect If you want to start running your products through Cosmetics Database, let me save you some time: everything you own is going to kill you.

helenstwin @shinyinfo there are many things I won’t do for love, and I know what they all are thanks to MeatLoaf.

MeganBoley I want to have 10,000 more babies

_Snick Once I saw a camel farm in the middle of Texas. Talk amongst yourselves.

purple_quark All about sex bombing it

eshep PARENTING TIP: Adding more fiber to your diet will give you a few extra moments alone each day.

mrlasertron brb, buying a gross of wifebeaters at costco.

freudiantypo It’s too early to be 5 AM. The Earth is wrong.

ApocalypseHow Vatican declares ordaining women to be morally comparable to pedophilia. So that means they’re going to do it!!!

mathowie The iPhone game Doodle Jump is so addictive it makes heroin look like ovaltine.

schmutzie This summer cold loves me long time.

FakeAPStylebook Surprisingly, the plural of “deer fish” is “deers fishes.”

GoonSquadSarah Just told my son he would get bird flu if he kept licking the bottom of his shoe. I don’t think that was accurate, but he stopped.

louispeitzman Why do children scream so much? I’m consistently horrified by life. I hardly ever scream.

shinyinfo Why do some people make it so easy to hate them? Easy and enjoyable, like a hater twinkie.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday

2 Jul

Enjoy more graduation photos and the best tweets twitter has to offer!

Happy Friday!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

adamisacson That was either the best Mountain Dew or the worst antifreeze I’ve ever tasted.

owlpacino I hate that in ten years any time I reference a film from my childhood I’ll have to specify that I mean the original, not the remake.

lilpyrogirl Wish me luck, have a blind date. I wore a low cut shirt so he has something to entertain him while I check Twitter.

apelad The lost cat has been found, or, as they say in the espionage business, the “chicken is in the biscuit.”

CorporateMonkey Whether or not I allow you to move into my lane on the beltway is directly related to your political party affiliated bumper sticker. #DC

shinyinfo Who is going to roll around in my totebag riches like Scrooge McDuck? Answer: ME!!!

iamfoxyroxie “There’s no school like the old school and I’m the fucking head master”

drewtoothpaste Dick Cheney hospitalized. Doctors describe it as a “health scare,” with one explaining, “We’re scared he will survive.”

readingsarah This movie was better when I was cleaning the whole apartment through the first part.

asiajane Came to the library to do some quiet reading & so far have experienced screaming babies & someone throwing up outside window where I sit.

TheRedQueen I love the moment when I walk into daycare and K sees me for the first time since I dropped him off in the am. #totallyworththelackofsleep

SarahIvy Blake and I just had an in depth conversation about famous mimes.

BridgetCallahan Lastly, in the late night tv pantheon, it turns out Man vs. Food and Sex in the City are completely interchangeable and hard to tell apart.

AFG85 Accidentally hit enter when I’d just typed “is” into Google; the first result is the Carr article “Is Google Making Us Stupid?”

hvymtllibrarian cookies found in desk drawer that you didn’t even know were there: possibly the sweetest cookies of all?

diremofo HAPPINESS IS A WARM TORTILLA

GoonSquadSarah My cat just threw up and then covered up the vomit with a piece of paper which I find impressive considering he doesn’t have thumbs.

JerryThomas Tweets don’t whale me now.

MeganBoley Man on train just yelled at me. “HEY, what does that feel like? To have a baby in there? Does it feel normal?”

CanuckLibrarian It’ll be really interesting to see how I manage walking down the street carrying a bag of dog food with my pants falling off.

misternaxal I might buy a house in the Fall. A house complete with a workshop, lathes, a band saw, and a hand mill! I shall call it Isengard.

michaeljnelson At the Rifftrax “Eclipse” field trip. Squee, ladies & gentlemen. Squee.

kerrianne Falkor is following me on Twitter. Well, it’s technically Jesus riding Falkor, I think, but I still think this means I win a prize.

rrrobbed Trying to think of something for #overshareWednesday that doesn’t involve poop. Having a hard time, there’s just so much material there.

mathowie Bummer the California pot legalization proposition is numbered 19. Woulda been great to see “VOTE FOR TWENTY” posters everywhere.

Lilacmess My students are getting a serious talking to about semicolons tomorrow. I mean it.

TheBloggess The other magic of Schnapps snow cones is that it’s impossible to pronounce “Schnapps snow cones” correctly after you’ve had one.

FakeAPStylebook “Taco” has of late taken on a sexual connotation. When referring to the Tex-Mex food dish, instead use “Hot, Meat-Filled Tortilla Vagina.”

bonsai139 my house is costing a lot already and so far it’s just a hole that my dad dug himself…

CaffeinatedLiby Blah blah blah blah. BLAH! Blah blah. Blah. #blah

rydka Great. Now, I have a shrimphead rolling around the car.

badbanana Just did a Google search to see if there’s a rapper named Diamond Stud. There is. A tip of my hat to you, sir.

louispeitzman Today we worked on my fear of flying by comparing crash statistics to death by fire ant and donkey. Now I’m afraid of fire ants and donkeys.

happyrobot “Waffle Toss!” is what I exclaimed at my jewish friend’s wedding. Apparently that is not correct nor were there waffles.

phaemarie Off with their heads! I mean, to bed with the children!

LaurelKS All of this housework is exhausting. But feels good where my inner housewife is concerned.

wordlust You’re a smelly pirate hooker, Charlie Brown.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.