Follow Friday – Anthony’s Birthday

My husband Anthony and I have theory that most people tweet while using the bathroom.

“You tweet pretty regularly,” you might say to a friend. “Good for you!”

Or, “I’ve noticed you haven’t tweeted in awhile. I’m concerned. Are you getting enough fiber?”

Today is the birthday of my husband and best friend. This one’s for you, love.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

lunchyprices I don’t understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn’t name their baby ‘BeJay’.

mocoddle Watching Futurama means that the main character of any book I read after will be voiced, in my head, by Bender.

UnicornFlavored Me trying to encourage a girl @ gym: “You got this, girl! You’re a unicorn!” Another girl: “I don’t..what..I don’t get how she’s a unicorn”

NicLewis BLAST RADIUS #NewSweatpantsLogos

ElKaboing Pimples and Dimples #NewSweatpantsLogos

mitdasein COLOSTOMY #NewSweatpantsLogos

NicLewis DINGLE BERRIES #NewSweatpantsLogos

owlparliament LOOSE STOOLS #NewSweatpantsLogos

owlparliament I AM CORNHOLIO #NewSweatpantsLogos

NikkiGlaser Shouldn’t PINK be on the front of Victoria Secret sweatpants?

RideOrDiePudge Every licensed beautician should know what you’re talking about when you say “Give me the Greatest American Hero.”

johnmoe When you watch football with a 3yo, you learn that all the mans are hugging each other.

missokistic Rick Perry says South Carolina is at war with the federal government. He does know how that ended last time, right?

MassageByTed If I say “I don’t watch football” & you hear “Let’s discuss yesterday’s games at length,” then CONGRATULATIONS you’re management material.

ScrewyDecimal While reading a book about bears during storytime, I accidentally asked the kids “What sound does a BEER make?” Worst. Librarian. Ever.

Toaster_Pastry I used to get a free pen. Now I don’t get a free pen. I can put up with a lot of bullshit with a free pen.

coldcarryouts The language is love. The grammar is tacos.

shariv67 Babies are like those popular kids in high school who you want desperately to like you even though they treat you like shit.

ElwoodJBlues It seems wrong to be eating toaster waffles and tater tots while watching #TopChef, but here I am.

Smethanie Just think how many MORE pics of cats there’d be on the Internet if felines had opposable thumbs to take and upload bathroom mirror shots.

BridgetCallahan If Edith Wharton were alive today, she would totally be writing for Gossip Girl.

pattonoswalt Here, this should cover Wikipedia for 24 hours: The Beatles, Shakespeare, Anwar Sadat, Rhode Island, & anal fistula

jwordfish the internet just occupied itself

theleanover I wasn’t concerned about SOPA/PIPA until I realized it could shut down Garfield Minus Garfield.

gabek I’ve never blacked out from drinking before, but I’m willing to find out what it takes to support our stand against #SOPA.

JoeVelouria Jokes on you guys. I boycott SOAP twenty-two days a month.

oodja Pluto is a planet. #FactsWithoutWikipedia (Too soon?)

robdelaney #SOPA me, motherfuckers & I’ll use your other enemy, the glorious US Postal Service to MAIL my tweets to your kids.

TwoAdults Yesterday Ezra asked me where the Elf (Elphabet…) was. “I haven’t seen him around, Mama. Where is he? IS HE EATING TREATS?!!!”

robdelaney Simultaneous orgasms are cool, but when you’ve been with someone for a while, simultaneous farts are fun too.

SpaghettiJesus “I CAN’T BELIEVE PAULA DEEN IS A DIABETIC!” – said no one bc Paula Deen is the historic source of all diabetes.

johnmoe Fun day of RTs. Thanks to Marvin Luther King, Martin Lutheran King, Martian Luther King, and the Luther Kings from all the other planets.

duckyouforever I’m live chatting Oprah’s interview with Gov. Chris Christie and there’s a joke in here somewhere but I think it’s on me.

MrBigFists Elevator? Nonsense. This is a traveling hugging booth and I see you’ve selected the button for 16 hugs. So let’s get to it. Come here, you!

shelikespurple I may not be planning to have any more babies, but I do plan to wear my maternity yoga pants for the rest of my life.

morninggloria Was disappointed to discover that mammograms aren’t short boob-related messages. Even sadder that there is no “singing mammogram” option.

owlparliament @exlibris Have I ever told you about the time I got confused with Swiper and said “Snatcher no snatching!” real loud?

tommycm my early misspelling of ‘existential’ has made the crisis all the more telling.

robdelaney I fucking jizz every morning when I tear yesterday’s page off my cat calendar & see a NEW cat in a fun situation!

thebryanchamp I’d like to have sex with a rich person because they’re really good at fucking the poor.

MagpieLibrarian SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET IS WRONG!

willgoldstein I already regret staying up this late for tomorrow. I pregret it. #newword #feelfreetouseit

thecajunboy Mitt Romney just asked the boys to toss some more cash logs into the fire.

SpeakerBoehner Man, I am DESTROYING this chair with farts. Is this thing over yet? #SOTU

markleggett Male cyclists shouldn’t be allowed to have ponytails, so I don’t have to question my sexuality on the drive to work every morning.

alwysabridesmd I hope no one else is at the gym tonight so I can pass gas with impunity during my run. Sorry I ate all those lentils you guys.

markleggett Last night’s dream starred Tim Curry. My imagination spares no expense.

theleanover Obvious joke? OK, Obvious joke: Hyperbole is the worst thing that ever happened to language.

Guydelines Anti-drug campaigns should simply be pictures of Steven Tyler with the phrase “He does drugs!”

MassageByTed I hope some casting agents saw my heroic sprint for the bus this morning.

finslippy I’m sure I can have one more cup of coffee and I’ll be just whoops I’m having a heart attack.

JRehling I just sneezed as I was about to click on something and now everything on my computer is in Malaysian.

pnkrcklibrarian Fell asleep last night watching Antiques Roadshow. Party hard, bitches! Party. Hard.

gonnakillhim “Teach me how to” may be the scariest words to type into Google.

johnhenrymuller Our 7-year-old started using air quotes. It’s about to get “real.”

mstcambot just watched a squirrel successfully pick up an empty iced coffee cup, turn it over, and drink out of the straw. DAY = MADE.

alwysabridesmd On the one hand, I just dropped a tampon on the counter while paying for overpriced water. On the other, I got the elevator to myself. Hm.

nickkroll I would totally elect Mitt Romney to be an actor in Viagra commercial.

shinyinfo I outreach like a son of a bitch. I am out reaching like no other person has reached out before in their ridiculous reaching lives!

thejohnblog Before Bruce Willis figured out he was a ghost in ‘The Sixth Sense,’ his character was probably worried it had been so long since he pooped.

robdelaney Women are like canoes. Actually they’re really more like kayaks. Which one has the pointy things? OK; I don’t understand canoes/women.

MassageByTed I think I’ll go home and record some club music by combining a super loud click track and the autotuned bleating of one wounded sheep.

luckyshirt I just wish facebook would try to fit more information into my eyeballs all at once.

duckyouforever Please be advised that there will no longer be a day known as Monday. In the Hobbit tradition, we now have Second Sunday.

rolldiggity “Yeah, I guess I’m a pretty good water receptacle.” -Glass that is half full of itself

justaboutagirl 10 am and we already need another pot of coffee. I’m so proud of us!

danforthfrance I may have had too much coffee, he said performing Chopin’s Military Polonaise as a hambone.

UnicornFlavored It trips me out that a lady wearing “mom jeans”, clogs, and a Navajo print mini backpack would be considered more fashionable than me.

gracehelbig Happy Butter, Paula Dean! Oh god, I mean birthday. How insensibutter of me. Ah! I’m butter! Sorry! Ah! Your heart works so hard!

thegrumbles dear @keli_h, i will share the same sage advice that was told to me as a boy-mom, “now you’ve had TWO penises in you at the same time.”

jenstatsky Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses — I’m making a weird ass collage.

OhNoSheTwitnt Apparently shouting “where’s your G now?!” on Monday mornings at all my coworkers who say “TGIF!!” on Fridays isn’t very “professional.”

chickenscottpie Accidentally said “automatic death” instead of “sudden death,” and now I think “automatic death” would make football way more interesting.

mikeleffingwell My favorite sequels are Wrath of Khan, The Dark Knight, and World War II.

UnicornFlavored I was going to ask Kyle if he’d get me a glass of water since he was near the kitchen, til I noticed he was elbow deep in a ball scratch.

pattonoswalt That long-handled shoehorn was the iPhone 4S of 1916. #DowntonPBS

pattonoswalt Is there a form of sexuality called “homo-Bates-ual”? #DowntonPBS

lauracope remind me to take all these browser tabs to the Goodwill when i get home.

nancyupton The ultimate first world problem? Getting truffle salt in your eye after making scrambled egg whites. Let’s all hate me together.

GoonSquadSarah Ian just told his playdate “It is your time to shine!”

alyankovic Paul’s First Blog Post to the Corinthians #UpdatedNewTestament

jenstatsky Just spent 15 minutes trying to zipper my coat, then sent my parents an apology for sending me to college.

RideOrDiePudge Apparently my efforts to lead an impromptu slave revolt went unappreciated by the management of Colonial Williamsburg.

JVdesigns And for those who think there is no good in the world, a dude just paused a drug transaction to tell me I dropped my glove

robdelaney DOCTORS ONLY: Did Paula Deen catch diabetes when that guy threw a ham at her face?

VegasWalkinDude “We built this titty. We built this titty from silicone. Built this titty. We built this titty from silicone.” – Plastic surgeon rock anthem

badbananaThrowing a pie in Newt Gingrich’s face is at least a two-pie job.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Saturday

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

InfiniteChicken I got a bill from ‘State Farm’. Why do I owe money to a communist cooperative? Did we lose a war?

sarcasmically I’d like to tell you I haven’t spent an hour pasting Burt Reynolds’ face onto Jesus’ body, but I don’t want BurtJesus to hear me tell a lie.

badbanana Just completed a wildly successful first test of my new robot intern at work. At least three dead.

markleggett I’ve been stressed before, but never “infomercial mom” stressed.

MassageByTed Up next on “Today”: cockblocking. What is it, who’s doing it, and how can you protect your children?

MmeSurly Every piece of popcorn chicken is unique, like a beautiful meat snowflake.

NicLewis Just saw a Target employee as nerdy as me hit on a coworker out of his league. Star Trek tells me this won’t end well for either redshirt.

emoryshatzer If I had a magic wand I’d use it to make another magic wand, except one that’s thinner & has a longer battery-life.

badbanana I was prepared to suspend disbelief when I rented Thor, but come on. Admitted to a hospital without insurance?

InfiniteChicken I want to burn all the good will my business once commanded. If only there were some model on how to do that effectively.

joeinverarity Did anybody else notice Larry King has slowly transformed into a man-size Praying Mantis?

telephase Children left unattended will be given Jolt! Cola and a Vuvuzela. #newdeptsignage

msbellows In Netflix’s defense: if the Union Pacific had evolved into an airline like it should have, its old customers would’ve hated riding Haulster.

danforthfrance Netflix just called me drunk, kept saying “I’m sorry” and said, “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Whoops, there’s the cops” and hung up.

BridgetCallahan CW is like the Countess Bathory, it bathes in the blood of young girls to stay young.

ericsiry I honestly don’t mean to tweet so much about my dog’s poop, but as writing instructors say, “tweet what you know.”

CramtronIts Thomas Kinkade! His body fades away in pastel motes of light. The light gathers and enters your heart. YOU ARE NOW THE PAINTER OF LIGHT

WhyIsDaddyCryin I love finding a FB wall post with a lot of comments on it an adding my own that says “cats are soft”

susanorlean Someone actually did move my cheese.

ohrebecca Yayyuuuuuyyyyyyyyayyayyyayyuauuyyauu vodka!

rstevens Googled “search engines” and now I can see forever.

MarinkaNYC I don’t understand people who talk to me while I’m obviously tweeting. It’s like they were raised in a WiFi-less barn.

thejohnblog It’s probably not a good idea to have Santorum standing next to the Google logo. #tweetthepress

Cheeseboy22 Fun stat: Even when I wear my Hammer pants, I am still the most normal person in Rite Aid 100% of the time.

palinode Why didn’t they rename “The Hills Have Eyes 2″ as “The Hills Have 2 Eyes”? Because duh.

vhsTapes2 I assume “Holy Cow!” is a Hindu term.

RobinMcCauley My doctor said I have to stop drinking caffeine or I will die but it’s okay I’ve had a good run.

notthatkendall If time travel is ever invented, my first move would be to go back to the moment before WebMD is invented just to punch that guy in the face.

JohnRossBowie Last night, I sneezed so hard my mouthguard flew out. Ladies, I am a married man, control yourselves.

timcarvell OK, this is weird. The CEO of Netflix is now just standing under my window, holding up a boom box playing “In Your Eyes”.

rustymk2 Just made a fake female profile on Christian Mingle for ‘Bea Elsie Bubbs’ so I could cast out the infidels on their site.

luckyshirt If Lil Jon and Lil Wayne had a baby, it would be Lil Jon Wayne The Abomination Born Of Two Men And That’s Not Even How Baby Names Work.

theRratedBull It’s so hard to overcome stupidity. But I challenge you to keep trying.

SweetDeeeeeeTV in general is terrible for the most part. It’s like watching millions of years of evolution collapse in 30 minute segments

EvenMoreSarah guess that’s Pepto Bismol spilled on the stairs at work, but it looks like someone’s been murderin’ Care Bears up in here.

BridgetCallahan One of the major differences between me and a highly effective person is pants.

milonguera Pan flute. The spa industry’s musical overlord.

mikeleffingwell Watching my wife and daughter napping peacefully just feet from my dog who’s aggressively licking his penis. Mixed emotions.

ProfessorSnack I suppose the difference between bent and hell bent would be the shipping fees.

morninggloria All cat litter’s “fresh” scent smells the same, which defeats purpose of masking smell. Why not make a hickory bbq scented variety?

TwoAdults Toddlers slept until 8am. Ponies for everyone!

Schmoodles I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. – White. – Good condition. – Reliable. – Cheap. – Some evidence of rear end damage.

CorporateMonkey every year on my birthday I wonder if THIS is the year that I’ll finally get my superpowers.

senorwinces Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

slackmistress Going by what it selects as my “Top Stories,” Facebook needs to invade my privacy more.

sarcasmically One year at Christmas my gramps couldn’t buy a tree so we decorated the ’82 Chevy Blazer sittin’ on blocks in the yard. A+++ would do again.

ProfessorSnack Remind me to tell my kids about the elves who come by Halloween night and eat candy so they have energy to finish all of Santa’s toys. Burp.

alotofnothing Do Canadians celebrate Halloween with the rest of us or did they have it in September?

ElizabethBanks I totally rocked my “overtired working mom” costume. Complete with spit-up on shirt and a nap. And somehow, I still made it slutty.

notbrandoncrane Just saw a bird explode. It was like a pillow fight gone horribly horribly wrong.

heyrenees I just got to third with the buffet at the Four Seasons.

shariv67 White suburbanites giving out healthy Halloween treats, I hope your house is pelted with only the finest organic eggs.

rstevens I wish that when I said that we got ten inches last night that I was being saucy.

sucittaM People didn’t smile in photographs from the 1800′s mostly because the taco pizza hadn’t been invented yet.

AmberTozer Oh sorry, I thought you were a real donkey. Your costume is amazing. I’ll get off your back & stop screaming “IT’S JUST YOU AND ME DONKEY”

rstevens All I can think of is all the poor samovars of coffee going cold in the power outage before getting the chance to be turned into pee.

OhLookBirdies Victorians were posers. Hundreds walked around with those ear trumpets, but only a few of them could play it.

theleanover On Facebook, when I clicked that I “Like” Katy Perry, I really just meant her boobs.

slackmistress So it turns out “Call of Duty” isn’t a competitive pooping game.

rstevens My kingdom for a democratic republic.

royalboiler If we ever get jetpacks they will be so uncool. Like fannypacks mixed with segways.

bobtiki Heck of a day for my beard trimmer to stop working. If you see a hobo at today’s wedding, it’s probably just me.

jillgengler I think my tombstone will say “Jill Gengler: She was really fast with a flat iron.”

apodixis I know some of you are pretty busy. But you don’t actually have to read my tweets to star them. In fact, it’s better that way.

MassageByTed You probably don’t even know that your favorite thing about being childless is not having to convince someone else to eat food.

Kasdorf Any tattoo commemorating service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam or the Merchant Marines should be called a “gramp stamp.”

bookishbella It’s “voila,” not “viola.” Unless of course you’re just really excited about string instruments.

mikeleffingwell No one seems reassured by my “I Only Touch People Appropriately” T-shirt.

Patheticist Every morning my wife and I play a game of parenting chicken, the winner pretends to be asleep longer and the loser makes breakfast.

shariv67There aren’t many sports that couldn’t be improved by adding a bear.

mikeleffingwell Whenever one door closes another door opens. This house is haunted!

BonesMcCoy Why is everyone obsessed that some Cardassian named Kim divorced?

J__Swift I actually enjoy being loved from behind. Afar? It’s loved from afar, isn’t it.

JustinMcElroy The worst thing about the NBA season being canceled is that it’s like losing seven of Air Bud’s best playing years.

crassmama I guess saying “nice beard, I’m going to follow you!” to some dude isn’t as well-received in line at Starbucks as it is on Twitter.

badbanana Life is way more exciting in your forties. At any point you could sneeze wrong and end up getting emergency back surgery.

000___000 Idea for evolution: a bear with a helicopter rotor on its head.

apodixis Poop on the floor,
And you’re to blame–
You give cats
A bad name!

Cats inspire me.

robdelaney Oops! My wife just asked me if I remembered her birthday & I pulled a “Rick Perry.” (I executed her)

InfiniteChicken Life has yet to give me an opportunity to make good on my “I could punch my way out the Vatican” boasts.

misskubelik and you might say to yourself: “Hey, is there a picture of a Corgi dressed up as the USS Enterprise?” And the answer is “Corgiprise” & YES.

lateandsoon Long-ass day. An ass should be firm or pert or voluptuous. ANYTHING but long.

rstevens The dog somehow hid a gooey rawhide bone up my shorts leg. I think I still like the dog.

Dude_WaitWhat I want one of those LifeAlert things. I believe I should be able to use it when out of wine and too drunk to drive.

ApocalypseHow A recent study says psychopaths use certain words more often than everyone else. For example, “Murder-tunity.”

ineedaballrub I still remember the day I hatched from my egg avatar.

NicLewis After warding off 3 Best Buy guys with my technobabble, they descended upon a lady in a motorized cart. Now I’m conflicted about my powers.

Leask I’m pretty awesome at complaining. #grumblebrag

hellnope Sent an email for the team huddle today. Realized just after hitting send I sent a team cuddle email. Today is gonna be adorable soon.

Bagyants When I scream “I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING” it’s always about leftover food and never about feelings.

joshjs Somewhere, Katie Holmes is asking Siri to buy Suri a Sari. Also, I apologize for that last sentence.

Schmoodles Always be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole. In which case, always be someone else.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Friday

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

shariv67 Banner ads that unexpectedly yell at me owe me a new office chair.

shinyinfo An impressionable youth from Library School is coming to talk to me tomorrow about the secrets to my success. Spoiler Alert, it’s Mt. Dew.

vhsTapes2 I jot down notes so I don’t forget tweets. Coworker found one. It said “An old lady fell. A medley of stenches.” I did not try to explain.

jszyd These kids are driving me to drink! Which is cool because then I got a ride home when I’m all shitfaced.

Bashful_Muse Vacuumed up a live spider yesterday and a dead fly today. That spider better be dead. I don’t like the idea that I’m providing room service.

UncleDynamite As the person who used the bathroom right after you I feel I have to ask: Have you been eating a lot of peanut butter & caraway seeds?

glenyrd Coldplay came on Pandora. A flock of vaginas flew through my window and nestled on my desk. I fed them some cheese and they flew away.

mrdavehill It’s so hot out today, I almost want to just stand here in front of the fire hydrant and not even bother doing my sexy dances anymore.

toasterlicious Additional note to self: phone autocorrects “NOOOOOO” to “VOOOODOOOO,” which raises more questions than it answers.

theleanover The next person who tries to make small talk with me is going to hear about when my mom’s dog ate a jar of pickles.

emirkr I’m worried scientists won’t discover new species of big cats in time for Mac OS next release.

negativsteve I considered instituting a Swear Jar at work, but the prices for these shitty jars are fucking ridiculous.

apodixis I have just invented a word to describe how I am in bed. I am perversatile!

TheBloggess That “first pets name + street you grew up on” doesn’t work for me. No one wants to have sex with “Whiskers Route 4 Box 980.”

slackmistressI need a Kickstarter campaign to get me off of this couch

StephenAtHome It’s President Obama’s birthday this week! Unless the Republicans made him give that up too.

stevetweeters The best thing about tacos is they’re like eating loud hamburgers.

shawnpearlman Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

theneener I hope print media never dies. How else will I securely pack my fine china?

th3jm4n I am a man, and men have needs. One of those needs is tater tots. #IAmAMan

malkatz I had no clue it’s Women’s Day, but that makes my gynecologist appointment later today much more meaningful.

scenesfromahat Whenever someone tries to tell you that “fugly” isn’t a word, look them square in the eyes and say, “It’s a portmanteau, you fugly bastard.”

mat The best thing about being a guy in your late 30s is discovering all the cool new places you can grow hair.

milkglassheart Just mortified myself remembering how I sang The Owl & The Pussycat like a lounge singer when I was little.

goodinthestacks Despite the hilarity that may have ensued, I corrected “plague” to “plaque” in a memo written by my boss.

ericsiry To give you some insight as to what an amazing athlete I am, last night I pulled a calf muscle in my sleep.

birbigs I hope this is cool but I put down all my twitter followers as my “emergency contact” at the hospital.

ericsiry Next time you stop to smell the roses, remember that flowers are a plant’s genitals, and that you’re gross.

sgnp I expect that when I’m old and not so mobile, my daughter is going to tickle me like crazy. I will feebly slap her with my robot arms.

apelad My investment portfolio is a stack of old X-Men comics and an earring I found that might be a diamond.

DaveHolmes That “OBAMA’S HIP-HOP BBQ DOESN’T CREATE JOBS” Fox headline took jobs away from people who write parodies of Fox headlines.

jszyd I am so hungry, my stomach is making noises as if I just ate Taco Bell.

lovegrrbottle turns out it’s not the best idea to put sex toys in a box marked “games” and open it up for the first time when you have company over.

Zaius13 I’m not embarrassed that everyone saw me picking my nose during the meeting, but I do kind of regret making it the core of my presentation.

shinyinfoVolunteer heard we give a long rendition of “Backstreet’s Back” when I thought she was out of the room. Kill myself now or later?

LaurenGberg Sending my hopes & dreams to a farm upstate where they’ll be free to play all day long with other hopes & dreams.

InfiniteChicken ‘Little Rascals’ never made sense to me until I realized they were all in Purgatory.

joeljohnson New York earthquakes are better because of our thinner crust.

johnmoe I like earlier earthquakes before everyone found out about them. I felt a tiny earthquake in Olympia, Washington once at a house party.

morninggloria I knew that “Gettin Jiggy Wit It” would lead to nothing but pain.

shariv67 Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Eve? Thou art more douchey and more desperate.

theRratedBull One very important lesson I’ve learned is that no matter how smart your phone is it still won’t know how to swim.

gabedelahaye Ladies, which do you find more romantic: “AWOOGA!” or “HUBBA HUBBA!”? Please be honest.

wordlust If I’m supposed to be loving my neighbor as I love myself, I guess I owe my neighbor 217,816 handjobs.

ProfessorSnack Welcome new followers. Many of you will deny and unfollow me before I tweet thrice. I’ll love you no less.

tommycm i always feel like my iphone is passing comment on my life when it states ‘nothing to undo’.

tommycm you know those awful misogynist hip-hop gigs where the group get all the sexy ladies onto the stage? how might i do something similar here?

badbanana Pandora has gone from asking me “Are you still listening?” to “So, like, shouldn’t you go get some exercise or something?”

Pinochet I was much happier before i knew what truck nutz were.

lateandsoon Books in the STORM of Ice &Fire series include: A HOME FOR KNIVES, A PRIDE OF KNAVES, A GORGE OF SCONES, A STORM OF SONGS, & STABAPALLOOZA.

InfiniteChicken I’m ‘clouding’ my entire music library to the Google. It’s inloading now!

FozziesRevenge i thought turtles were too slow to be effective ninjas

chickenscottpie When you harmonize with the hum of the garage door opener, people act like, somehow, you’re the one who’s crazy.

slackmistress How many years of marriage is the Star Trek Anniversary?

TheThryll Some people like Beethoven’s 5th, I prefer “Dennis Steals the Embryo” from the Jurassic Park Soundtrack.

YourAuntDiane Anyone want some leftovers of this vegan dessert I just had? It’ll keep forever, it’s a bowl of water.

nicpiper #ff @exlibris She’s a lady, whoa whoa whoa she’s a lady…except on #oversharewednesday when she is not a lady.

rstevens Give me coffee or give me a minute to remember what the end of that sentence was.

jenstatsky When I say a woman “seems like she has her shit together,” that’s basically me saying, “Pretty sure she shaves her legs more often than I do.”

slackmistress “She’s two cats away from giving up completely.” – ad agency describing the target audience for Pajama Jeans

apodixis God I hope you can’t get herpes by reading someone’s timeline.

HAL9000_Scientists think that there is a supernova in Galaxy M101 – it’s actually a regular nova with its underwear on top of its pants

WowItsStephen 1 songwriting duo wrote the themes for Ducktales, TaleSpin, Rescue Rangers, & Gummi Bears. Suck it, Simon & Garfunkel. Suck it slooow.

oodja I thought Bing worked by saying “BING!”

CourtneyReimer “There are no second acts in American lives and there are no quick trips to Ikea.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, unedited version

The_Daver With coffee, all things are possible.

JerryThomas Also, waffles. RT @DalaiLama I feel that a sense of compassion is the most precious thing there is.

Keex714 Someone tell Jerry Lewis to STOP having kids.

JVdesigns Whoever said glitter is the herpes of the craft world should alert the girl in the Twilight shirt outside my office to what this implies.

elloyd74 “We never fight in bed. The grandparents in ‘Willy Wonka’ really knew how to make a marriage work.”

jawillie #YourStarshipCaptainMightBeARedneckIf If the Captain’s Chair doubles as a Hover-round scooter.

papanic #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif the biggest trouble he has with tribbles is that they are undocumented.

PoisonFox #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif his First Officer is a Basset Hound.

jenifersf #YourStarshipCaptainMightBeARedneckIf He orders you to set phasers to bear, deer or possum.

ChrisDoohan #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif he refers to Klingons as “Critters”

jenifersf #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif He has a working navigation console sitting on top of a non-working navigation console.

tcarmody Like most indie bands, it looks like Hurricane Irene was a lot more rough-edged & powerful before selling out and moving to New York.

kellyoxford It’s too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.

EvenMoreSarah Looking through Facebook & I see so much tattoo money that should have been spent on education or possibly dental work.

benmarvin Pro Tip: Take your shirt off when you poop. Trust me.

BridgetCallahan I don’t know about you, but there are times when I really have to stop myself from posting Craigslist ads as performance art.

InfiniteChicken In case you were curious, it is entirely possible to eat too much pineapple. Learn from my error.

dirtyvicar Edward or Jacob. Peeta or Gale. Betty or Veronica. People pretend to enjoy love triangles, but what they really want are threeways.

MmeSurly I can only assume the PT Cruiser in front of me ran off the road just now because it became sentient and suddenly realized what it was.

slackmistress This moisturizer promised to erase years of my life but I still remember 1991.

slackmistress If I expect the unexpected then isn’t it expected and this is where I get eaten by clowns, I think.

kitchenartist I wish this pie graph I’m working on was made of, or at least about, actual pie.

rudepundit I wish corporations were people. I’d drag Bank of America out of a bar and kick its ass.

LouisPeitzman If I say, “gurl,” that means you look fierce. If I say, “guuurl,” you’re being crazy, or I started saying “gurl” and it turned into a burp.

MassageByTed If only Dorothea Lange had used Instagram, the Depression would’ve been way more awesome.

dingman35 I used to wake up to Kenny Loggins Dangerzone as my alarm but I don’t anymore, because the day can’t possibly get any better after that

slackmistress I still fit into my jeans which means I’ve failed Labor Day.

jerryrenek If you dye your dog’s fur, there should be a special corner of Kansas set aside for you.

toddmarrone The stick figure decals on my car’s rear window represent the people I’ve hit.

mrpilkington Okay last chance for you to give me access to your sweet Manhattan penthouse for a week. I have zero dollars but I will break things.

slackmistress Crappy Diem, amirite?

theleanover Isn’t it embarrassing when you open your laptop up in a classroom and the video player’s still on and instead of porn it’s Star Trek DS9?

LouisPeitzman I’d drive a lot better if you’d just let me win all our Words With Friends games.

willgoldstein Is it bad that I need my twitter and instagram feeds to figure out when I last bathed my child?

morninggloria Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s highly contagious.

shinyinfo You know someone’s got their lyric game locked up when they make a Death of a Salesman reference.

UncleDynamite Every time I see a little kid slither out of a ball pit, I think “Design fail.”

MassageByTed One universal truth about city buses: someone in the back is dying.

badbanana Day five of the Insanity Workout. Ten minutes of talking to a mailbox followed by an hour at McDonald’s with a sword.

ProfessorSnack One man’s junk is another man’s pleasure.

rachow Think I figured out the secret to a bigger dick. Might shoot everyone an email.

posthumanist Literally every Republican presidential candidate looks like they could play Satan in a movie about a Satan president.

muffpunch Dropped the carafe to my espresso maker & broke it. Cleaned up the glass then knocked the machine over & broke it. I’m pretty good at this.

ShaunLetendre Either ‘desperate and lonely’ doesn’t work anymore, or this is a gay bar.

telephase Sometimes, I start trying to play Wu-Tang Clan lyrics on Words with Friends. That’s how I know it’s time to put down the phone.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

 

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Thursday

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

badbanana Sorry, kids. Daddy can’t watch you grow up because he has to constantly change the batteries in his Apple wireless keyboard.

stephenharred How is there not already a thing titled “Pimp and Pimpability?”

ProfessorSnack Today I turned Arthur into a jackass. J/K, he did that on his own. – diary excerpt Myrddin Emrys

markleggett The Sherlock Holmes/Batman fan-fiction I’m writing is going great, except they keep making out with each other. Solve some crimes already!
apodixis If you really love your pets you shouldn’t have them fixed. You should to teach them to respect themselves by practicing abstinence.

msbellows I’d be an awesome S.E.A.L. Team commando if we could schedule missions midmorning, after coffee and a couple sit-downs.

notthatkendall There should be some kind of mandatory training for those interested in the privilege of using the “reply all” button.

sarcasmically Angry driver threw a taco at my car, which is a bad way to get me to STOP cutting him off ’cause yum and I wonder how many more tacos he has.

hotdogsladies If a team of in-laws simultaneously Googles you during dinner, be honest, stay calm, then blame the 1000s of boner jokes on “a cyber-virus.”

jillgengler Good to know that the State of IL Central Management Services isn’t blowing our tax dollars on good graphic design.

inktwice Her: ….sss-shit. Me: Sss-shit? Her: I was not going to say it. Me: …but then you thought, “Fuck it.”

BisexualElves I have ennui, which is emo for dropping your iPad.

danforthfrance I just took a stab at the name of the new X-Men movie and came up with “X…Class?” Hello. I am your dad now.

massagebyted It’s bad for Rep. Weiner now, but he’ll feel even worse when I release the pics I got from Michelle Bachman. That lady is hung like a horse.

killorn My dog is always so thrilled to see me come home for however long it takes him to realize I am not carrying a ham in my purse..

sandwichpolice I hung up first. I won the goodbye!

BridgetCallahan You know what the opposite of cool is? A smooth jazz interpretation of the State Farm Good Neighbor song

bridger_w A commercial just asked, “Who says you can’t have your shrimp and eat it too?” I’m not positive, but… Nobody?

kerryhowell Why you don’t have me buy the Costco cake for departing coworkers: it has a dinosaur on it. And “You’re not extinct to us, Lori!” as message.

ApocalypseHow Coincidentally, “Game of Thrones” is what I have long called my ongoing struggle with constipation.

johnmoe Some people like to take a staycation but they go somewhere. It’s called an “awaycation”.

TheBloggess I lost 2 followers after explicitly telling people not to send me nude photos of themselves. I’m sorry to have disappointed both of you.

michaeljnelson Certainly “Roxanne” has been the cause of the most caterwauling followed by involuntary punching.

FakeAPStylebook Thorough research is the key to quality reporting. Read the ENTIRE Wikipedia article before writing your story.

lunchyprices Teens: Don’t do cocaine! Save it for your 30’s when you’ll need it just to watch TV until 10pm.

DanMacEachern I’d be much less worried about all this talk about storing data in the cloud if I didn’t think Lando Calrissian will betray us all.

ProfessorSnack As far as tool names go, “ball peen hammer” has always made me a little uncomfortable.

jszyd Later today, only because of popular request, I am going to fuck myself.

JerryThomas In Hell you will be tormented by every semicolon you have abused. I will see to it. I promise you.

johnmoe My favorite old dead musician is Ol’ Deady Dead Person Twangy Guitar Dead McGillicuddy. He has a new album of duets with his son Jason.

sween When I say “please bear with me” I want you to pretend to be a bear with me.

johnroderick Not to contradict Stevie Nicks, but a one-winged dove would get pecked half to death and then eaten by a raccoon.

squeekzoid “I Ain’t Afraid of No Holy Ghost” #rejectedhymns

theleanover “(Don’t) Beat It” #rejectedhymns

SteveHuff “There is a Fountain Filled With Blood and Poop” #rejectedhymns

sgnp Be nice to everyone in case one guy your sister knew at the music store next to her work becomes DJ Lance Rock. #OverlySpecificLifeLessons

sbellelauren my sundress says “i’m 12!” but my eye makeup says “that’s when i started having sex!”

heyitsurban When you’re hungry enough, they’re all Edible Arrangements.

FlyteAphrodite Doesn’t everyone read angry or offensive emails & texts in Paula Deen’s voice?

.apodixis My neighbors set their car alarm to go off several times every morning until it wakes them. They are creative people who are going to die.

shinyinfo On Captain Picard day, this most holy of days, remember to believe in yourself and that there are four lights.

Brain_Wash Adulthood means realizing that a warm jelly donut possesses 80% of the qualities you’re looking for in a mate.

80sMomKara It’s fine if you need to distance yourself from me for awhile after these Lawrence Welk tweets; I once unfollowed someone over Erkel.

Brain_Wash I wish I had only 99 problems.

tysiscoe Twitter, you auto-complete me.

stevelibrarian Only in NOLA would there be a dude dressing as @exlibris in drag.

SaraJOY So does anyone else think their kids resemble zombies? The wobbling approach, dogged determination, growling, slobbering..

ProfessorSnack If I had a convertible I’d make the transformer noise every time I took the top up or down, like I do when I take my clothes off.

ShutUpAndrosky For my money, there’s no better name to say when you’re sad than Tony Shalhoub.

Sigafoos If crusty French bread were a woman, I’d have committed adultery in my heart many times.

zhandlen Well, thank god Ernie can finally make an honest man out of Bert.

kwmurphy My bologna has a first name. It’s Janet. Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.

sglassmeyer It’s not so much that I’m referring to myself in the third person, but that I call myself “Honey Badger” whist doing so that causes concern.

joseph_ocon Walked up a hill in skinny jeans and now I can’t have kids.

sbellelauren oh all this time i thought FML meant Fondle Martin Lawrence whoops that changes some things

DamienFahey No one would eat oysters if they were named after what they look like, Jeff Goldblum’s ears.

Brain_Wash And my tombstone shall read, “Died doing what he loved. Well, he *said* he loved her.”

TheNextMartha Someone just called my cell and I was too lazy to get it. I only have internet friends now. Raise your hand if it was you.

AFG85 It used to be that I would walk into a room and forget what I was looking for. Now I go to Google and forget what query I was going to put.

atheists Jesus had two dads.

badbanana “He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently.”

JohnFugelsang I seriously haven’t seen Nancy Grace this furious since her bungling henchmen let those Dalmatians escape.

BeTheBoy Didn’t go to the Dodger game because they wouldn’t honor the military discount despite the fact that I was in my KISS Army uniform

LPCookbook I feel impatient waiting for fireworks but it is less because of the magic and more because bitch gotta get up for work in like 9 hours.

antigone_spit My mom: “This is not the Mystery Science version so shut up. But if you want to put a gumball machine on your head feel free.”

LPCookbook I feel sort of like I don’t say the word “douchebag” enough. I mean to people’s faces.

johnmoe The name “Lowly Worm” tells you all you need to know about the brutal Busytown caste system.

daddytwocoats Someone referenced a joke I made in a show on Twitter. This must be how Oprah feels.

thejohnblog “ACCIO JACK DANIELS!”

jimmyfairplay I told my dad how many followers I have. He just pointed at stuff he’d built with his hands. You win this round, dad.

steenyweeny based on how successful my patio garden is, i’m shocked there’s enough food in the world for more than 9 people.

GoGadgetGadget Your condescending tone is so sexy. Look! It’s giving my middle finger a boner.

sgnp Thanks for the sex! #fourwordsaftersex

mrteacup The quality of a relationship can be perfectly measured by the length of a mutually agreed-upon netflix queue.

mattsai I wish life would just hand me lemonade. That would be way easier.

steenyweeny i was up at 5:30 today, so it’s taking special effort to make sure i’m late for work this time.

mattsai The hottest rack a girl has is her book shelf.

inversejaik Learning how to make jelly. My brother: ‘Going for a JAM session?’ Me: ‘I will kill you.’

letsdiefriends When I don’t really tweet much all day, then am suddenly very chatty, you can safely assume I’m pooping.

badbanana My new social network is an empty pickle jar that you can scream anything you want into. Nearby people can comment.

apodixis Sure, no pun was intended. But one could easily have been avoided.

Squirreljustice Can’t I just text M for Murder?

apelad Now the other kids are outside playing that game where you put a ball in a sock and throw it around. I think they learned it in prison.

rolldiggity “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” was the inspiration behind my “RABIES!” t-shirt.

markleggett All of the people who bravely fought for their right to party many years ago now enjoy going to bed on a Saturday night before 9pm.

ApocalypseHow My smartphone is one restaurant-finding app away from being Gollum’s “precious.”

mrfaulty Y’all realize that the internet runs on people stupid enough to click on banner ads?

NASeason I need an “It Gets Better” campaign for newbornhood.

shinyinfo I am a little concerned how Zefram Cochrane is going to invent the warp drive without the Space Program, you guys.

CcSteff My baby is the cutest, whiniest Roomba ever.

sucittaM Dad always said “Time to hit the sack!” before bed. Not sure how getting punched in the testicles helped him sleep, but that was just dad.

giraffrocentric Don’t post shirtless photos of your new boyfriend if you don’t want me to comment about his great tits and then Like my own comment.

Caissie Oh, you’re hung like a horse? That’s so cool! I have a gaping horse vagina! #WhatIWishISaid

Brain_Wash An NPR t-shirt at a farmer’s market is like a tramp stamp at a strip club.

loganfountain “hey there’s that weird lady” – neighbor-kid wearing only underwear sitting in a rain puddle

supDawgiHerd You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

IamMsMoneypenny I still believe in chivalry, like the man paying for the flowers and the dinner, and then, like, paying for other stuff, too.

Superfluously I’ll sleep when my phone’s dead.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Wednesday

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

peterbyrnes I believe a lady appreciates a touch of class, which is why I send prospective lovers exquisite watercolors of my junk.

grantpa Sometimes I think, “what does this all mean?” and then I think, “maybe it’s all just random” and then I think, “no, I def said curly fries.”

DamienFahey If you’ve ever stared into an old man’s eyes as life slowly left his body, then you’ve pretty much seen me do a pull-up.

UncleDynamite Yes, of course I’ll do parkour with you. I just need to visit dictionary.com on an unrelated matter first.

slackmistress I’m not on Twitter to impress you. (Except the funny people. And people I went to high school with. And those who want to hire me. LOVE ME!)

danforthfrance I’ve returned from a wedding and I’m back to doing what I do best — forcing my cat to dance with me.

MarinkaNYC I took the “Sent from my Verizon Blackberry” signature off my email. Assume I’m emailing from inside your house.

corrinrenee My mom purse dialed me and all I hear is Tom Jones blaring in the background.

lexthedriver Serious question: Do “sex coupons” expire after you stop dating someone?

Brain_Wash Given the choice between a pack of rabid wild dogs and a pack of bored thirteen year-old girls, I’d first have to ask how big the dogs are.

badbanana I’d like my obituary headline to read: “Local Man’s Struggle With Upstairs Wireless Printer Is Over.”

trelvix I didn’t sleep a wink. This whole “birth certificate” thing has really distracted me. Seriously. Who names their kid “Newt?” Witches, right?

LouisPeitzman If you chant the State Farm jingle three times in a dark bathroom, the agent showsup, but she eats your eyes. 😦

wawoodworth  need to find out who invented yoga pants. I will tend their grave with flowers and small gifts for the rest of my natural life.

Jesus_M_Christ I am with you always, until the very end of time. Well, except for when Real Housewives is on, that’s Me Time.

80sMomKara I’ve got just 24 hrs to figure out what to wear to the Lady Gaga concert. I’m out of trash bags & prosciutto, so this is gonna be tough.

sucittaM When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

michaeljnelson Emus are wondrous, exotic creatures. Let’s melt them down and rub them on our skin.

MrWordsWorth I have taken myself to dinner. I’m so giving myself sex tonight.

johnmoe You might say I’m a triple threat considering how often I threaten people three times in a row.

LouisPeitzman Just got an email from Amazon.com saying, “Don’t sacrifice power for size!” Honestly, it’s a refreshing change from most of the spam I get.

ProfessorSnack Only male hearts have cockles. Female hearts have twatles.

sween Bathing my cat gets me mad pussy.

Bagyants Can you believe our government spends more money than it has? BRB, applying for my 8th credit card.

shinyinfo Walking in on someone dancing to Toto’s “Africa” in your office is not attractive. And for that I apologize.

rilaws Blood your doors everyone, the Lord’s a’comin!

simontarr My wife just called my iPhone “your Palm Pilot.” I have nothing to add.

johnmoe Being a parent is magical. And it’s a giant pain in the ass. It’s giant magical ass pain.

ProfessorSnack 98% of all “cherry” trees are lying to you.

Squirreljustice It feels weird being home on a Saturday night. Not as weird as putting a Breathe Right strip on my taint, but still pretty weird.

NickSchug Twitter has messed me up. Now when someone says something I like in real life, I gently place my hand on their face and whisper “favorite”.

YUCKYBOT Of course, Winnie The Pooh isn’t his real name. It’s Winifred Thaddeus Poopington.

michaeljnelson Yes, I have my supporters in the wider hermit community. Though it is not well known. For some reason.

clairesuddath I want to write a movie called “Spoiler Alert.” The tag line: “They die.”

slapclap How much longer do I need to scrub this spot on the floor? AND DON’T SAY FOREVER, head voices.
DamienFahey Spending the day standing behind cars with back-up cameras dressed like a ninja.

Brain_Wash If you can’t do the math, do the math teacher

LouisPeitzman Just tried to show my ID to a random guy outside this bar. Cool or coolest?.

perronbrothers After I put the pets outside, I like to close the door on them really slowly like the final scene in The Godfather.

mothmun I like to live like there’s no tomorrow; lying in bed, sobbing.

letsgetgizzy I wish a guy would look at me the way the people in the Applebee’s commercial look at those new Sizzling Entrees.

billyeichner I hesitate to celebrate Bin Laden’s death because I remember that time when Roseanne just replaced one Becky with another Becky.

jperrotto They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

rolldiggity When people say “Jesus is my co-pilot,” do they realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no training and zero hours in a flight simulator?

Splurge24 Current Threat Level: Double Rainbow.

michaeljnelson If you air quote while saying the words “air quote” you can actually get sucked into a wormhole.

peterbyrnes If erections lasting over four hours were truly dangerous no male would survive the Junior Prom.

ladybirdj Fast Five is a good name for the jerk off motion you give when you hear about Fast Five.

adamisacson I was watching a nature show. A team of seals killed a penguin and dumped the body in the water. Suddenly, I felt strangely patriotic.

morgan_murphy I went through I phase where I only had sex with Mexican guys. God, I loved my señor year.

joshjs Mom, Sorry I ruined your hoo-ha and then became an atheist. Love, Josh

danforthfrance Maybe you can’t get over the Lakers being assholes, but I’m still hung up on the fact that LA has no lakes.

Zaius13 Is it “Cuntess” or “Cuntress”? I want this Mother’s Day card to be fridge worthy.

editorialgirl Also found a text file called “to do”. Inside: one line. “1) move that paper clip that I keep mistaking for a spider”. #wtf

jendenbrat I’m already placing bets that the next Fast & Furious movie will be called Fastier & Most Furiousest.

iasshole Reading Reader’s Digest is like letting your grandma drive the internet.

bazecraze Those commercials are more fun to watch if you pretend “going to Jared” is code for anal.

rolldiggity I know social media is supposed to replace newspapers, but I’ll never get used to draping myself across homeless people while they sleep.

lilpyrogirl It’s not the sunburned outline of sunglasses that makes me a redneck, it’s that I bought a moonpie & ran over an armadillo on the way home.

mammalpants I like to google things like,”when is the effing apocalypse because I’m burned out. do you hear me god? send a horse on fire soon”

Ahm76After I smelled that flower, I got confused about my sexuality. Am I florasexual? It’s been a long time since anyone’s pollinated my stigma.

tommycm been using ‘bob dylan’ as a euphemism for going to the toilet for some time now.

letsgetgizzy Eating at Arby’s is the new cutting yourself.

notthatkendall I want to thank the makers of Nintendo for making me believe I have the power to fix household objects by just blowing into them.

TheBlackStar Mancave is a gender specific form of poop chute, right?

thejohnblog That breakfast burrito was so good, I spoke to it in Parseltongue.

slackmistress Rapture hasn’t happened in England or Sweden. Which means the US IS GOING TO BE THE NUMBER ONE EXPORTER OF RAPTURLINGS! USA! USA! USA!

antigone_spit It’s the end of the world DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TOWEL IS

isplotchy News: Radiohead singer Thom Yorke held in smalltown Cali jail after drunken brawl at laundromat. PD Chief: “Carmel police, arrest this man!”

mathowie I can’t wait until the Post-Rapture weekend. Once the believers are gone, I’m totally getting gay married to a dog.

rolldiggity What kind of beat would a beet retweet if a beet could retweet beats?

MoRocca I kind of hope I get Left Behind. I need a staycation.

apelad So far the very best part of L.A. Noire is driving off without your partner, watching him try to catch up, then driving off again.

KeepingYouAwake 4 less followers to 400!!! Tell everyone you know! We can do this!

terrenceisdaman Nice try, Nabisco… But I think I’ll decide how many Oreos are in a serving.

peterbyrnes Elton John smiles after cutting the brake line on the wedding limo, and pats the lyrics to “Candle on the Wind III” in his breast pocket.

gordonshumway Can someone please make that daily deal site hire Triumph the Insult Comic Dog? “This cheapo oil change isn’t too shabby. FOR ME TO GROUPON”

probablydrunk Christ, I have risen.

himissjulie “ungrateful biscuit eating son of a bitch!” Oh, there’s a law and order criminal writer somewhere who really had to fight for that line.

catpostrophe FOR WHEN YOU SAW ONE SET OF PAWPRINTS IN THE SAND, IT WAS THEN THAT I RAN AWAY FROM THAT DOG.

MeganBoley There comes a time in a young boy’s life when he must be dressed in jorts and paraded around his dad’s office at lunchtime.

thatgirltricia There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.”

phyllisstein Stress-wise, songs with siren effects are pretty bad, but songs with “New Mail” pings are much worse.

phyllisstein “I love you to pieces” doesn’t make a lick’a sense. “I love you two pizzas”—now that’s a quantifiably huge amount of love.

christianduguay Buy some coasters. Put them in a kitchen drawer. Call friends and let them know you’re an adult now.

markleggett Why are you always trying to cock-block me, guys whose girlfriends I want to bone, people with daughters, the police, and all women?

WhyIsDaddyCryin was in the middle of writing when the thought “what the hell did Salt N Pepa mean by ‘shoop’ anyway?” I hate my brain sometimes.

KeepingYouAwake: My lawnmower has two speeds. One for chasing turtles and one for chasing bunnies. Does anyone else find this troubling?

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Tuesday

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

louispeitzman There’s a thin line between Bette Davis eyes and “You look like a pug-human hybrid.”

wordlust The expression “Shame on you!” isn’t working. We need to invent a shame hose.

KeepingYouAwake Whenever I say “one of these days…” I like to motion at a calendar so people have an idea of when to expect it.

simontarr If I start screaming for an ambulance later, someone remind me that I just ate a ton of beets.

theRratedBull The only reason I know this is the real world and not The Matrix is because my phone malfunctions at least twice a day.

BillCorbett “You are not aware of how aware you are. Are you aware of that? You are, more than you’re even aware!” — my upcoming self-help book

louispeitzman Everything I was into as a kid now terrifies me as an adult: clowns, robots, the United States.

thejennui Did a load of laundry with a chocolate heart in SOMEONE’s pocket. It looks like everything has Pooticles on it.

jasonfleming73 Question from Student: “Can you even beat ‘Robot Unicorn Attack’”?

theRratedBull Mama used to say if you can’t tweet nothin’ good don’t tweet at all. Of course, Twitter wasn’t invented yet so I’m not sure what she meant.

blainecapatch hang in there, baby…friday’s coming! and eventually, death.

colsonwhitehead Because I could not stop for Death, Death was like, Hold up, G.

joseph_ocon I’m in love! Wait. Never mind. I was just sitting in a really comfy position.

louispeitzman Feel free to quiz me on the #superbowl. I already looked up which teams are playing, and I can fill the gaps in my knowledge with Wikipedia.

badbanana Taking this party to the next level, Charlie Sheen style. Just gave a $30,000 check to one of my cats.

joseph_ocon Dude and I exited bathroom stalls at the same time. We locked eyes and he nodded, as if to say, “Hey, bro. We did it.”

louispeitzman This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

markleggett Oh cool, I gained a follower! Hello asshole!

markleggett Oh no, I lost a follower! Come back asshole!

badbanana Tartaur. Half man, half delicious seafood condiment.

sween Planning my fantasy baseball team. Got an elephant pitching. He shoots the ball out of his trunk. That’s as far as I’ve got.

MostShefinitley KY Jelly should change their name to High Fucktose Porn Syrup.

thejohnblog I’m hiding in a bathroom stall at work playing WORDS WITH FRIENDS because last time I checked, this is America.

purple_quark ah, it is #oversharewednesday Well, the dog has diarrhea. My life is now complete.

wordlust A good teacher doesn’t crush souls. A good teacher shows students how to crush their own souls. This ensures the flattest souls possible.

joshuamneff “I resign as leader of Egypt. No, not RESIGN! I REIGN! REIGN! DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!” — Hosni Mubarak

markleggett I’m so super stressed right now, there’s way too many things going on! (two things).

JerryThomas I’ve been touched by so many angels it’s starting to get creepy.

guiltysquid Me: It’s a joke about Jesus. It’s tasteful.
Friend: Why would you make a joke about Mr. Garcia?

GeorgeTakei Dear TSA agent: If you touch my junk, I’m going in with tongue.

DamienFahey If I’m reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.

eareeve Almost pulled a muscle trying to do the Roger Rabbit.

slackmistress Our peeping tom just looked in our windows and waved. That’s the sort of extra effort that makes our peeping tom special.

markleggett Tomorrow is “Bring your cat to work dressed up as an adorable widdle biddy baby Day”. Excited.

markleggett I want to see an Anne Geddes “Where are they now?” calendar, where the babies have to recreate the same photos 20 years later (No dudes).

himissjulie every time I take the toner cartridge out of the printer, shake it around, and put it back in, I think, HELLS YEAH MASTER’S DEGREE

unrealsnow Phrase I got to learn in Spanish today: There’s a car on fire across the street.

loather Cooking dinner while listening to Killing In the Name Of makes dinner feel like a revolutionary act. FUCK YOU I WON’T SERVE WHAT YOU TELL ME

jberthume I am quite pleased with my recent luggage purchase for an upcoming business trip and oh man I am basically an old

MrWordsWorth Sometimes, I actually try to determine which person from Sex & the City I could spend time with, if I had to.

love_drunk When anyone describes the food they’re currently eating as “bomb ass”, I can only assume they mean “diarrhea-inducing.”

danforthfrance Hard hat fell off the wall in my closet’s “hat gallery” and brained me. Not sure what I could have done to prepare for that eventuality.

jaypee_tweets On a scale from 1 to farmville, how annoying are you?

soulpancake Just as birds evolved from dinosaurs, hipsters are direct descendants of nerds, with better plumage and smaller brains.

rendadam Hey Newt, if America turns you on so much, why don’t you marry it? Then divorce it when it gets cancer.

BillCorbett I’m no fan of Dr. Oz, but it’s nice that they finally gave a TV show to a Romulan.

MrWordsWorth Idea: Liam Neeson & Harrison Ford attempt to kidnap each other’s wife and family, wind up falling in love instead.

LizB I want to read a True Blood / Jersey Shore mashup about Snooki Stackhouse. Not really, I just wanted to say Snooki Stackhouse.

louisvirtel If I ever give birth to quintuplets, the first thing I’ll say is “Yahtzee.”

slackmistress I just pulled something while getting up off the couch. Pretty sure this is The American Dream.

markleggett I wish I was sleeping and simultaneously eating a toasted cheese sandwich right now.

GeorgeTakei It sounds simple, but showing up, on time, is what gets you halfway there. Duct tape solves everything else.

Caissie Listening to Paddington Bear audio book in car. Sound drops out several times. Me: Oh no! 8YO: They have to do that because of the swears.

joseph_ocon If I pat you on the back during a hug, I’m tapping out.

TheRedQueen One of my neighbors named their wireless network “shut those fucking dogs up”. Amen dude, amen.

pistolval Ivy made clothing for one of her littlest pet shop dolls out of playdough and is telling all the other dolls: “Lady Squeak Squeak is here!”

Lord_Stewie I went to the store to buy a “Where’s Waldo” book and couldn’t find it. Well played Waldo, well played.

Zaius13 Rock out with your vagina out! Your freakish protruding vagina

matthewbaldwin There’s no business like show business. Well, except taxidermy. Remarkably similar, it turns out.

ethanharrison I hate when bathrooms have timed lights. It’s like I’m trying to defuse a bomb in my pants. If I fail, everything goes black.

KeepingYouAwake Suddenly, and with no reason, parts of The Eagles – Life in the Fast Lane just made sense to me. I must have had a stroke.

markleggett A stranger looked at me while I was wiggling my finger around in my belly button, and I didn’t bother to stop. This is who I am now.

DamienFahey Guy Fieri’s shirts are dangerous. How will anyone know if he’s ever ACTUALLY on fire?

tysiscoe I’m not interrupting you. I’m mercy killing the headless chicken of your point.

dirtyvicar Wow my 200th Tweet! Seems like only yesterday I was saying how cosmically superfluous Twitter is. Well, that was yesterday, but I’m a hypocrite.

Gen_with_a_G Craig and I just had a sarcasm showdown and Sam ran in and shouted “Listen up, guys! Fighting is not cool.” Me 0. Craig -30. Sam 1.
shinyinfo Since the book cart isn’t motorized, I basically just dance around the cart while someone pushes it. #GhostRideTheBookCart

popcandy Confessed my love of jigsaw puzzles to my pal Laura, who replied, “It’s OK, I do puzzles by Thomas Kinkade. He is the painter of light.”

 Zaius13 Pizza gives me a mouth boner.

hateyouprobably Sometimes when my hair is up in a towel, I put towel behind my ears so they stick out and pretend I’m Jennfier Garner.

goldengateblond If I ever start a matchmaking service for senior citizens, I think I’ll call it Carbon Dating.

mathowie My hilarious doctor scheduled my vasectomy on the same day as my only child’s 6th birthday, as if to drive home the point.

RailbirdJ I always get a little sad when I see that I’m losing followers. Then I realize they’re all just spambots. I’M NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR SPAM!

KeepingYouAwake Every time you have a typo, an IKEA product gets a name.

KTwithaC My tailor made my bridesmaid dress to tight. At least now I will be able to rest my head on my boobs when I get tired.

Zaius13 News shows should fill that awkward satellite delay time with vintage footage of a chimp operating a switchboard.

Krud Whenever I hear the term “Cloud Computing,” I imagine something like: “Analyzing, Please Wait.. *hourglass* Results: It looks like a bunny.”

slackmistress I don’t wear clean underwear in case I’m in an accident. I wear clean underwear in case my vagina is haunted.

Molly_Kats Going to church doesn’t make you a good person. Try not being an asshole instead.

shinyinfo For the 8th year in a row I’m giving up Jesus for Lent. #Classic

ryanmer I just counted 4 different homeless people sleeping on the grass. It’s springtime at the library!

thecheckoutgirl Look, if they didn’t want me to have a minty fresh clitoris then why in the world did they invent a vibrating toothbrush?

EvenMoreSarah Fuck a whole bag of this day.

justingibson What do you do when you’re at work and you cough so hard a fart happens. (I’m asking for a friend.) #urgent

LOD Old Spice’s ad campaign has become so weirdly surreal that I’m now frightened not to use it.

crom74 If love can build a bridge, then hate will build a fence for me next weekend. I’m tired of neighbor’s dogs shitting in & digging up my yard.

VHStapes2 Parenting is an amazing neverending task for superhumans. I assume you all do cocaine heavily.

danharmon I’ve chosen my tribal name. Tell your children, so they might tell their children, the legend of Owns One Shirt That Fits.

Bagyants I can trace most of my problems to my dad asking me what teabagging is.

Krud May you always have an app for that. #FakeIrishSayings

YUCKYBOT Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “MAY CAUSE AWESOME CHOREOGRAPHY!”

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Best of Follow Friday 2011 – Monday

This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

lafix When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

simontarr Pretty sure my father in law buys a new printer when his ink cartridges run out. He might actually be a genius.

AnimalBullshit Pandas are gold-digging whores.”

palinode My mother was a force of nurture.

ScrewyDecimal I didn’t have a commute this morning. I had an odyssey. It was the stuff of epic poems. I am Dante, and Brooklyn is the 9th circle of Hell.

The_Pigeon When making your resolutions, don’t forget to leave room for “letting the Pigeon drive the bus”.

MrWordsWorth All of Lifetime’s movies seem to have the same message of empowerment, if you consider ‘ladies, your lives are in danger’ empowerment.

louispeitzman The coolest thing I did in high school was making a LiveJournal icon of Garfield reading the newspaper with lyrics from “A Day in the Life.”

Sigafoos Oh, forgot to announce yesterday that I’m giving up my dream of brewing in lieu of artisanal Ethernet cable making.

juliussharpe Another Xmas of going home and telling my older relatives I invented Twitter. It’s just easier they think that.

telephase Resolution for 2011 is to void as many warranties as possible.

shinyinfo I can’t wait to be old & in retirement. Think of all the murders that will get solved!

colsonwhitehead Haters gonna hate. Butters gonna butt.

diskopo Jersey Shore will have more seasons than Arrested Development. Hope you’re proud of yourselves, humanity.

inversejaik K: Thus spoke Zarathushtra: “suck it n00b lol”

sucittaM I don’t remember if the toilet water was blue or not before I sat down, so there’s a chance I’m magical.

MrWordsWorth On the seventh day, she rested. #OprahsSecret

Gen_with_a_G Guess what, everyone? I don’t care about football. Like at all. Well, I guess I like the snacks. Go cheese dip!

thebookpolice Pug was sleeping so hard, he forgot how to eat biscuits. Made a huge clumsy mess, paused frequently. Just asked, “Is this real life?”

NoStylePoints Recent search that brought someone to my blog: “I have a panic attack and then I need to poop.”

GorillaSushi Outside the realm of noodles, the most underused unit of measurement is the Oodle.

vickytcobra When life hands you lemons, squeeze lemon juice into your eyes without blinking. Just to let life know you don’t fuck around.

OngoingBS This coffee’s so strong it just wrestled the remote from me and now we’re watching a mug sale on QVC.

joseph_ocon If I don’t write Happy Birthday on your Facebook wall, it’s because I genuinely hate you.

Betfairpoker I chew my gum and think about my past. I think about HER. My ex-wife Cynthia. “Legs,” they called her. Because she had legs.

joseph_ocon Just lost my favorite pen. Pretty upset. Mostly that I have a favorite pen.

wishing4horses The kids just left to go have lunch out. I sighed at the sudden quite. PS, I have a backhoe running in my backyard.

theRratedBull My wife just opened the blinds. This shit just got real.

Jesus_M_Christ I mean, sure I’ll take the wheel, but I’m kinda drunk.

thebenbrooks I love when Sarah Palin speaks her mind, it’s like half a haiku.

thebookmaven Necessity is the mother of the download.

markleggett My bum has fallen asleep. It’s having that dream again.

peterbyrnes In Los Angeles, car alarms are only useful to inform you in unison that yes, that was an earthquake.

Tweetin4Palin Everyone start likin’ me again & talk about how pretty & feisty I am or I’m holdin’ my breath til my Bumpit explodes.

DamienFahey I’m excellent at guessing which people entering CVS are headed to the “Stuff for Your Butt” aisle.

al3x I’m going to start sneaking the phrase “the most sophisticated cyberweapon ever deployed” into the READMEs for everything I write.

Just_PYKA Even after I told him I was gonna hit the sack, he lay there on the floor moaning in pain, as if he didn’t see it coming.

badbanana I’ve developed positive feelings towards my captors. Love you, couch and Cheetos.

pistolval The inevitable collapse of society is probably not a great retirement plan, but its all I have.

louisvirtel My sign changed and now I’m Prince.

markleggett Jerking off tons of random guys has really helped improve my Shake Weight technique.

edeniowa my mammogram tech complimented my boots at my exam & I heard it as “your boobs are adorable”. then got that she was referring to my wellies.

Ch8rming Planning for the zombie apocalypse is the new planning for retirement.

shinyinfo I spent the better part of 20 minutes breaking giant icicles off the roof and throwing them at a tree. #ProductiveMemberofSociety

badbanana Wait a minute. The deposed Tunisian president smuggled out 1.5 tons of gold? Just how big is that guy’s rectum?

antitheistangie Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

funnyordie Oregon Trail is now on Facebook. Your workplace productivity just died of dysentery.
SarahIvy There is nothing like a new car seat to really challenge my mental capacity.

pattonoswalt Just once, Obama: “Caaaaaan yooooou DIG IT?!?!” #SOTU

danforthfrance Had a one night stand and now I’ve got the Yahoo! Toolbar.

mikey_m00n I feel like a number. A number two actually.

mrteacup My lifecoach says that at birth, his god Crom gives us courage to survive & defeat our adversaries in battle

danforthfrance I’m much better at dealing with depression during the hours thrift stores are open.

willgoldstein Finished reading Leviticus, and now know the punishment for sleeping with my female slaves. Not death. Phew!

matthewbaldwin Great editors will sometimes delete everything you have written and make you start over. In that sense, Microsoft Word is a great editor.

telephase Align all the text in your resume so it forms crop circles. Or a pentagram. This will demonstrate creativity.

peterbyrnes Next time I plan to make love to my lady on a bed of roses, I need to remember: petals ONLY.

MeganBoley It pleases me that people are searching for “cat eggs” and coming to my blog.

VHStapes2 Save your morning poop for work so you get paid for that shit!

ThatKansasLady Never underestimate a woman who can hook her bra with one hand and fry bacon with the other.

ladybirdj Eating a hot dog while sticking a Q-tip in your ear counts as a threesome.

apodixis It seems like the only thing Mario never does is any actual plumbing.

JerryThomas You’d think more Amish people would be into Steampunk, but no.

danforthfrance Don’t condescend to me, news. I know what “Allahu Akbar” means. #itsatrap

DeathStarPR We write all of Ke$ha’s songs. Well, to be fair, they’re written by a semi-sentient vat of custard in R&D, but still. #TrueEvil

pistolval I could not fry the tortillas for tacos tonight… but I feel like that would somehow be wrong.

mathowie The Honeycrisp is an AILF

telephase Just you wait. Someday soon, a train will pull up, and @shinyinfo and I will be thrown off of it.

antigone_spit I was going to make an accordion video but my arms are sore and all I know is Market Town from Zelda. SO.

crom74 My wife told me to bring home the bacon tonight, the literal bacon. I love my wife. Bacon for dinner, WOOT!

shinyinfo They’re still publishing Murder, She Wrote books! This makes me happier than is appropriate!

louispeitzman Those damn commercials make me feel like such a murderer when I use Mucinex. That globule had plans, you guys. He had a family.

thesulk Why are you calling me? Just text me a couple of letter-words like a normal person.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – OMFN

While rewriting my Life List I noticed that many (er, most) of my new items involve food. Even most of my travel items are food-related. I’ve had food on the brain and I can’t get it off, so this week I’m featuring photos of food that is OMFN.

And now, to announce the winner of the gorgeous, Vegan-approved handmade Inez Gill bow… Congratulations, Amanda! Please email me your address and tell me the size, color, style, and backing of your choice to receive your lovely bow!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

courtney_s I remember when james franco and I were querying our respective novels and I was like james you can’t just send them your headshot.

lord_voldemort7 They are making a Twilight MUSICAL. If the world doesn’t end in 2012 on its own I am going to have to do it myself.

pourmecoffee God, I don’t mean to get in your business but maybe you are telling the wrong candidates to run. Your call, of course.

MrWordsWorth Michele Bachman Announces Candidacy For A Fox News Show.

FarrenSquare Back off, every other girl, ever. I’ve loved Ryan Gosling since Breaker High!

sushi_goat Hey lets just do all political systems at once.

dejah_thoris Fanny Friends Hemherroid Cushion ad following Daria?! WTF?!!!

taralibrara Patron wants books on self motivation. Has me look up his number and wants me to pick the books for him. You decide he sez. #storyofmylife

MmeSurly Sometimes you have to take your 2yo to the post office dressed in a blanket & pink rainboots because he is pretending to be “Princess Girl.”

floatinglush Dear Words With Friends, I’d like you a whole lot better if you forked over some vowels. N lv, FltngLsh

joe_hill Michele Bachman pledges to continue running for president as head of the new Psycho Eyes party. Steve Buschemi is her running mate.

michael_J_m00n I gave a urine sample today but my cup was half empty. They said I was negative.

TheBlackStar Quick Poll: Lightening Bolts or Skull & Crossbones? #manscaping

ohcrys The more I think I’m alone in my craziness the more I realize the rest of the world is batshit insane right along with me.

alwysabridesmd Time to transform into my detective alter ego, nosy single lady taking out the trash.

sarcasmically Just introduced my son to beatboxing because I want him… to emulate these musicians and make noise ALL THE TIME? CRAP WHAT WAS I THINKING.

InfiniteChicken OH: “Well, after I saw my dad’s I knew I had to get a pair.” #IAm12

JLYoungsma “Ooooh, a new Katherine Hiegel movie!” -no one.

steenyweeny the complete works of tears for fears is inside my brain

papersquared @exlibris I’m just going to add beads to my cat’s and crochet him a beret. #buttdreds

SpaghettiJesus Everyone was so high from 1969 to 1989 that I vote on a do over.

allisonthemeep If I were a mushroom farmer, I’d start a side project rock band and call it “Loose Morels.”

AlmightyBoob DONT LAY DOWN WHILE LISTENING TO MORRISSEY! IF YOU FALL ASLEEP YOU’LL NEVER WAKE UP AGAIN

Smethanie It’s not that I LIKE spiders, I just save my helpless card for better stuff — flat tires, hard-to-open jars, people I need killed.

MassageByTed Aamco, Maaco, and Amoco should be forced to fight to the death and the winner called Ma’amMoCo

stevesilberman From a scientist friend: “Has any savvy amphibian biologist named a new species of salamander, Lisbeth? That’d be awesome.”

pnkrcklibrarian Because *I* know when I think of British television, I totally think of Star Trek, X-Files, Gangs of New York, and The Tudors. Totally.

JLYoungsma The sound of my vacuum sucking up stale raisins is equal to my heaven.

joeinverarity The baby made an atomic fart on my leg. I am now more powerful than the Toxic Avenger.

amazinqatheis tI ate the flying spaghetti monster

JillMorris Whenever I need to cry on cue I think of skanking.

writtenper New couch means no dogs allowed if they’re wet/damp from outside. Dogs’ reaction: WHY DO YOU HATE US NOW OMG WE ARE DYING.

Athenabee If my dog barks and wakes up Zofia, I will have him drawn and quartered. #realtalk

premmeridian Dreamt last night that mice were putting on a production of ‘Les Miserables’ at my workplace. At least, I think it was a dream.

JillMorris The LA arsonist set 55 fires in four days yet I lack the productivity to mail a thank you note.

LouisPeitzman I cackle a lot for someone who has only ever ridden a broomstick recreationally.

BeTheBoy Can’t believe it’s been 30 years since the discovery of Pac-Man Fever and still no cure.

NicLewis “The Towering Inferno” reminds me of every game of The Sims I ever played.

MightyQuinn72 An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple in bed gets me “do you have to eat that like a goddamn horse? I’m tryin to sleep”

noshwithme When they catch the arsonist they should play a loop of siren and helicopter sounds in his jail cell at night.

JerryThomas Somehow the cat wrestled the laser pointer away from me and now I’m exhausted and he’s having my suits retailored to fit him.

sushi_goat PROTIP: DON’T EVER THINK ABOUT THINGS THEY ARE SUCH A FUCKING BUMMER

ruthakers “I was born to run.” -Diarrhea.

BeTheBoyMy wife is asleep, my New Year’s resolution to use more chloroform is a success.

LouisPeitzman “It gets better.” – what I tell depressed gay kids who have just started watching Buffy

TheNardvark What’s your favorite TV show to listen to while you stare at your phone?

Toaster_Pastry Currently wasting precious daylight guessing Tweeters underlying emotional disorders.

HouseTalkN Researching puppy training – where is the one that teaches the pup to clean my house???

wordlust New Irish curse: “May you die, then be reincarnated as a little white girl, then die again, then be exploited by Nancy Grace!”

TheMostTender  I’m worried that the soul of the man I’m supposed to marry is trapped in my friend’s cat.

inktwice  Square…if you’re going to bring elements of older FF games, how about you: 1) bring every element of FF7 2) call it FF7 3)??? 4) PROFIT

jendenbrat  If I’ve learned anything from cartoons it’s that animals and inanimate objects are struggling with the same moral dilemmas as I am.

SpaghettiJesus I will never sell out bc I’m a man of principles and I’ve always got more where that came from.

mikeleffingwell “What I want isn’t on the menu,” I said as I eyed the waitress seductively. “Oh wait, yes it is. Can I have the buffalo wings?”

Disalmanac UPDATE: Santorum is surging in Iowa. Try not to step in any. Jesus.

MightyHunter Where my gerunds at?

LaurelKS The best way to start 2012 is completely hangover-free even though I was knee walking drunk last night. Winning!

sarcasmically Woke up and kids were gone. Silent house. SANTA CAME LATE THIS YEAR, BUT HE CAME.

sawaboof This needing to eat thing is really messing with my plans to stay on the couch all day.

sushi_goat YOU ARE MOTHER IS SO UGLY THAT I WOULD NOT PUT MY REPRODUCTION MECHANISM IN HER

RaeBeta Introducing my parents to @theisb‘s Tarot reviews, because it’s not Christmas until the whole family is yelling “Your vagina is haunted!”

joeinverarity Warning to all: if someone tells you an infant had a present for you, it isn’t a nice bottle of wine. Get the hell out while you can.

joe_hill Benedict Cumberbatch is so awesome in WARHORSE, his name ought to be Benedict Cumberbigballs.

MassageByTed That, sir, is an extraordinarily well-appointed cat box.

mwilliamrice SPOILER ALERT: Caillou is going to fuck it up.

slennonharris Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyphus walks into a bar. Sisyp

trumpetcake If your motorcycle is louder than me reciting the alphabet to a child you are a butt.

jenniferweiner I’m okay with Linny and Tuck, but Ming-Ming’s kind of an asshole.

msbellows Cool! I’ve rcd an email naming me to the International Association of Successful Individuals! #NotClickingTheLink

mrteacup Marxist restaurant reviews: “Even though they’re plunged into the icy water of egotistical calculation, the waitstaff are SO NICE!”

palinode Don’t buy grated Parmesan! Simply rub a block of fresh parm gently against Matthew McConaghey’s face. #cookingtips

MightyQuinn72 Reading a paper manual this morning I put my finger on the page and swiped it like a touch screen. This is what’s called “natural selection.”

RideOrDiePudge WARNING: The Chris Angel Ultimate Mind Freak Magic Kit may cause wives, girlfriends and other female companions to disappear.

rstevens The distance between “buy cold medication” and “lose cold medication” gets shorter every time.

TristinaWright I love that my FIL’s status on gchat is always, “COOKING BACON” – I married into a great family.

PolyesterPony Does the world still exist? Asking for a friend.

apelad  Without spoiling anything major, can someone just tell me if the war horse starts or ends the war?

DamienFahey  I dislike children but I LOVE yelling, “STOP IT!” in public…so I’m having a kid.

dr_spidermanMD  A SALAD BAR IS A BINDING LEGAL CONTRACT GUYS STOP SHARING

TheMostTender  My littlest cousin just asked me what grade I’m in. He is now my favorite human being of all time.

C_Vilela  OH: “This stuff tastes awful!! How has Tim Horton’s duped an entire nation? It’s like North Korea!”

kevingchristy  the next time someone says to you “I don’t watch television” say “what’s television?” It’s the checkmate of pretentious lies.

palinode My new goal in Skyrim is to kill every living thing in it, except for the guy who sells me my arrows.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Cousin Photos

Last summer my cousin gave me a green, Christmas-themed shirt her daughter Victoria had outgrown. “Save it for Christmas,” she said, “and we can take photos of the kids in their Christmas shirts.” I thought this was a great idea, so I folded it up and tucked it away in a safe place with enthusiasm. Fast forward six months later, and that shirt is nowhere to be found.

“Liz,” I had to say, “I’m sorry, but I think I’ve turned into my mother.”

The cousin photos are adorable even without matching shirts, though my cousin made a huge faux pas when she tried to take Isobel’s purse out of the picture. ONE DOES NOT MESS WITH THE PINK PURSE OR ONE WILL BE SORRY. Also, check out that sweet goat Baby’s Sam’s holding. I’m pretty proud of it, as I am proud of the last photo in this series. I think I’ve found my calling: Awkward Unposed Children’s Photos.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

hollyburnsAll the dates I’m writing in my new 2012 planner are for season premieres of TV shows.

mommywantsvodka I cannot seem to come up with any decent resolutions for the New Year, so instead I will resolve not to become Lil Wayne.

NicLewis I think I’m a reverse hipster. Whatever the musical group you’re talking about, I’ve probably never heard of it.

theRratedBull That caller I just transferred is so lucky! They get to hear “Endless Love” in its entirety without going to an 1980’s wedding.

justaboutagirl The mom of those Invisalign Teen girls CLEARLY has a favorite child.

SteveMartinToGo My holiday twitter hours: Open all day and night. Except Wodensday, of course. Too busy worshiping Woden. Don’t care about Thorsday.

JVdesigns @exlibris I envy not only that you met Anthony Bourdain, but that you have it on a list with goats.

LouisPeitzman Are there charities to raise money for celebs like Ashton Kutcher and Kelly Clarkson who can’t afford access to Google?

Y_U_NOOO TWITTER FRIENDS, Y U LIVE SO FAR AWAY? Y U NO LIVE NEXT DOOR?

milonguera I’m drinking sangria for dinner. Because an hour ago I ate 70 more pounds of Chex Mix.

wordlust Two things I need to say more often are “I’m sorry” and “Choo-choo!”

palinode My review of Mission Impossible IV is that I stayed home and watched Tree of Life.

LaurelKS I’ve missed #oversharewednesday for months and I invented it. Don’t feel bad if you forget.

RideOrDiePudge You guys who habitually change your avatars have given me a chilling sneak peak into living with Alzheimers.

TheMiaWarren Mystikal was a rapper who cared. He told you to shake your ass but he also told you to watch yourself.

jenstatsky I always say no to drugs. Mostly after I take a bunch of em and am like, “hey I’m gonna start talking to these drugs!”

PolyesterPony Picture Tintin as a gay man and you’ve got a pretty good idea what I look like without my beard.

lieberian FB didn’t seem that interested in my new Perry the Platypus T-shirt, but I know you’ll get me, Twitter.

MightyQuinn72 The kids have gone into an After Christmas Electronic Game trance where they don’t eat and growl when I approach them.

MightyQuinn72 The one positive about the kid’s video game frenzy is that I hear there is a shortage of Single Player Shooters in the job market.

sgnp White plastic sheeting over an entire hill is the closest thing to snow I’ve seen all year.

lafix By the looks of this Starbucks, a whole lot of lumberjacks are working on their novels.

joversusvolcano When I go to Hogwarts I’m going to get a wand made out Keith Richards’ femur and unicorn pubes.

paulverhoeven They should have called Close Encounters of the Third Kind POTATO MOUNTAIN.

JRehling  People may say I’m old-fashioned, but e’re the Moone werthe and halpthsome Fairies ag’in the heckerlocke Smythe of Aethyr luvv.

Nathan_Pensky Remember when you tried to use the force on your shoe? You were 19. Not a good year for you. LOSE A TURN. #GameOfLife

warmandpunchy take the path that takes you to college. ha ha idiot, all your money is gone forever now #GameOfLife

 Nathan_Pensky  Who’s that guy from jr high who said his dad knew Patrick Swayze? There’s an hour gone remembering right there. GO DOWN THE CHUTE #GameOfLife

Nathan_Pensky  Feel a weird pain. It’s obviously cancer. Obviously. Think about cancer for three hours while trying to work. GO BACK TWO SPACES #GameOfLife

LouisPeitzman  Watch your health insurance expire right before an illness. Draw from Community Chest. There is nothing there. #GameOfLife

rare_basement  Grandma gives you twenty bucks out of pity. Move ahead three spaces. Hooray! #GameOfLife

notthatkendall  I’m pretty sure you guys are repinning stuff just to fuck with me now.

ClevelandPoet  Manager: “How ya doing?” Me: “I’m doing.” Manager: “You’re doing? Yeah I’m doing too.” Me: “Hooray doing!” Manager: …. #HowJimiRolls

NotActuallyHero  I love when someone’s bio says they’re the official account for someone you’ve never heard of because I appreciate officialness

thecorbettkid  all toys that make sounds will have their batteries removed tonight.

Patheticist  Halfway through War Horse I asked the guy next to me to shoot me so I didn’t suffer any more.

Athenabee  You know what I like to happen when someone comes over? Athena to walk out with my bra on.

BridgetCallahan  It’s hard to explain to someone for the twentieth time why they are literally the worst person you have ever met, which is why I use lasers.

cryanathus  Accidentally punched the door frame while trying to slide across the floor in new socks.

derekblackmon   Just put my 7 yr old in Time Out for not showing me how to split the blue birds.

Greeblemonkey  Good news: Didn’t break my arm ice skating yesterday. Bad News: It is so sore I’m having trouble doing laundry. WAIT. GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND.

jen_talley  So I’m thinking about getting out of pajamas today. I know! I need to pace myself.

theneener And, with delayed comedic timing, my dog has let out an audible fart.

TheBloggess  I wonder if @DalaiLama follows no one bc he’s making a very deep statement or if he just doesn’t know how twitter works.

eliza_evans  Good night, Internet. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

BillMc7  Tequila is like Instagram for your eyeballs.

thejennui  The Internet is made of cats.

FannyOvrTeacups If the cat gets any fatter, I’m going to buy him his own wardrobe of tiny woolen cardigans and change his name to Mr. Belvedere.

SpaghettiJesus  If this is a Downton Abbey marathon, I’ll believe in god, but only because it’s obviously a woman with good taste.

Toaster_Pastry  According to Klout I can gain 5 additional Twitter followers if I say the word “boob.” Oh, my boobs ache.

davepolak  “Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.”

slackmistress  In case any of you were feeling remotely attracted to me, my bra is filled with brownie crumbs.

ProfessorSnack  Remember my bus ride from DC to Indiana? This time I’m driving! With my family! Made boys go all day without peeing for conditioning.

tehawesome  Matt Damon plays an adventurous father who takes a big risk in the heartwarming comedy-drama We Bought a Zune.

ApocalypseHow  Show of hands: How many of you only remembered it’s Jesus’ birthday from Facebook?

shinyinfo  Mom: “You can check Google but it might be off today.” #Christmas

JohnFugelsang  Happy Birthday to a radical revolutionary who never defended torture, badmouthed gays, or asked a leper for a co-pay.

writingdirty I keep reading it as “Merry X-men”

colsonwhitehead  When the song was written, “bough” meant “corpse,” so you’re singing about decorating your house with the body parts of someone named Holly.

jillsmo  My tombstone will read: “even though she was Jewish, she was still killed by eggnog.”

thejennui  My cat has an inappropriate relationship with my new Snuggie.

steenyweeny  DIE HARD IS ON PRAISE SANTA

Smethanie  A toast to the easiest night of the year to get kids to bed! Cheers!

TheMostTender  The chunk of crab in my cousin’s hair is the least awkward thing going on at this family dinner.

Smethanie No, I’m not last-minute shopping. I’m in the toy aisle on Christmas Eve as part of my Zombie Apocalypse training.

iamfoxyroxie I have no idea what to get my dog for Christmas. #firstworldproblems

johnmoe  My non-American followers should know that the most popular gifts this year are still handguns, cowboy hats, and piles of deep fried things.

WordShore   Hurrah! The Asian corner shop is open tomorrow, so if you are local and haven’t got a present from me yet, you’ll be getting a yam.

Angel__Bee  You guys, I don’t want to jinx it but I’ve made it through the whole holiday season without having to hear that “Christmas Shoes” song

Greeblemonkey  GetGlue is the new Klout is the new Foursquare of annoying Twitter notifications.

shinyinfo  I’m just saying. If there is a siege, the library WILL. NOT. FALL. I have metal bookends I will throw like ninja stars if need be.

MaryHChrist  In the middle east. Pregnant. On a donkey. FML

mrshiggison  When I hear the kids coming up the stairs, I shove whatever I’m eating entirely into my mouth.

palinode I just let something me dismay.

TheRedQueen  Sometimes I wonder why I attempt anything beyond getting myself dressed and not drooling on everything.

badbanana  My New Year’s Resolution, like always, will be to avoid an elk herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

ecareyo  While standing in line at the store, I whisper “There, there, you’ll be back here very soon” to the Christmas gift I’m about to buy for Mom

meganamram Every time a bell rings, an angel trained by Pavlov starts to drool.

AnnieLowrey  What is scarier: Toy-obsessed, super-judgmental, bearded trespasser, or winged lady who wants to trade dollar bills for teeth?

KagroX  Jingle Bells. They jingle all the way. It’s fun 2 ride in a sleigh w my friends. We dashing thru the snow. We dashing. #RebeccaBlackCarols

thegrumbles when i put my ear up to my coffee cup i can hear the ocean

chickenscottpie  Sorry, lady hitting on me in the fabric store, there’s a reason I’m a dude shopping in a fabric store.

KaseyAnderson Why would I dance like nobody’s watching? People need to see this shit.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Christmas Past

Today’s post features photos from Christmas past. Enjoy!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

NicLewis RT @nprnews: After 25 Years In Woman’s Stomach, A Pen Still Writes // It wrote, “Get me out of here!”

Pinboard Ask yourself this: is there any JRR Tolkien place name that does not sound like the name of a mood stabilizer or antifungal cream?

kwmurphy I can never spell the word “hemorrhoids” right on the first try. You’d think I could, as it comes up so often in my line of work.

danforthfrance Already can’t stop saying “Bagginses. What is a Bagginses, Precious?” Welp, be glad you don’t know me in real life. It’ll be a year of this.

maggiesox I WILL CHOKE SOMEONE FOR THE HOBBIT TRAILER, COME ON APPLE.

inversejaik Thanks to the replicator, the crew learns the true meaning of Christmas. Crusher is perplexed when Worf’s heart grows three sizes. #TNG_S8

inversejaik Geordi and Data put warp plasma in Barclay’s coffee, with horrifying results. Worf’s son Alexander wonders why he even bothers. #TNG_S8

inversejaik Worf learns that the Klingon way of mathematics takes too long. On a dare, Lwaxana Troi marries Barclay. #TNG_S8

inversejaik When the ship falls through a spacetime anomaly, Picard is trapped in a turbolift with himself. Worf is enraged by the game of golf. #TNG_S8

inversejaik Riker & Worf use the holodeck to research the 21st-cen. ideal of being “bros.” Troi goes on and on about her most recent makeover. #TNG_S8

MrWordsWorth It must be tough for people on The Real World to actually have to return to the real world.

ScrewyDecimal This anxious, nauseated, “how will I pay my credit card bill next month” feeling can only mean one thing: I’ve finished Christmas shopping!

Angel__Bee Allie really doesn’t appreciate my Eddie Vedder impression as much as she should.

steenyweeny gonna put my religion as ‘grumpy as hell’ on this HR form.

MmeSurly PAJAMAS I WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU

Zaius13 They finally released Schindler’s List on blu-ray with tons of bonus features, including over an hour of hilarious bloopers!

NASeason I appear to have reserved an awfully large portion of brain space for 80’s lyrics.

BugginWord “Honey, do we have a protractor?” – Not what I was expecting.

schmutzie I’LL USE ALL-CAPS IF I WANT TO. THE INTERNET ISN’T NEARLY LOUD ENOUGH.

theRratedBull I think my half-ass effort isn’t working because I’m still a top-performer at work. I think what we need here is a quarter-ass effort.

Patheticist I feel guilty that I’ve spent more on myself than the rest of my entire family combined. I’m teaching them a Christmas lesson, probably.

willgoldstein “Don’t let the dog lick you, she’s been eating her own poop again.” #thingsIhavetosaytoooften

sarahmcdallen Me: We have a chance of snowy owls this winter! Kim (baffled): They can predict those “birds falling out of the sky events” now?

finslippy I now have seven pounds of pulled pork. Just in time for Hanukkah!

danforthfrance My cat purrs like the Enterprise-D warp core. No YOU’RE never getting laid again!

notperfect Before you think that my shopping hesitance is partly financial savvy: I once paid a massage therapist to listen to my sacrum.

InfiniteChicken I just gave @KimKardashian +K in Chlamydia!

onenjen So, now that my son is potty trained, I’m gonna be wiping pee off the toilet seat for the next, what, 15 years?

heliumcell YEAH, CUT AWAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KEYBOARD SOLO. I REALLY WANT TO SEE WHAT THE DRUMMER IS DOING RIGHT THERE. OH COOL, HITTING A CYMBAL

Patheticist You can accurately guess a person’s age by length of their voicemail message.

jenstatsky When I was a kid, I honestly thought that using Quicken was a major part of adulthood.

sarahbellum Today was amazeballs, only without the amaze part.

juan_incognito Most of the time when I appear to be in deep thought, I’m just thinking about what I’m going to build with my Legos when I get home.

notthatkendall An awkward thing is trying to figure out how you will explain to a spambot that you don’t eat McDonalds.

goodinthestacks James Franco can get professors fired for giving him bad grades? That dude really can do it all.

joeinverarity You all moonwalked into my heart.

shinyinfo If I were a millionaire I’d take the train places ALL THE TIME. Across the country, several times a year. I’d waste my money SO HARD!

thejohnblog Rick Perry issued a press release extending his condolences to the family of Lil Kim.

sgnp Bras are pretty amazing. They’re MADE to have boobs shoved in ’em! #HouseCleaningThoughts

Smethanie LOL Hot Pockets for including conventional oven cooking instructions!

macleanbrendan If we’ve learned anything from Kim Jong-Il’s death it’s that people are very good at quoting Team America.

abobrow This has been a shit year for my fantasy dictator team.

NASeason So, at what age do I have to stop dressing my kid in one piece pajamas? Twelve?

shariv67 Huz: What do you want for xmas? Me: A Mercedes? Huz: Try again. Me: Foot rubs for a year? Huz: What model Mercedes?

80sMomKara My 8 year old: “On Christmas, why don’t we go to that midnight madness thing over at that church in Biloxi?” Me: “You mean midnight MASS?”

Soulsmithy Scary poops are the price we pay for holiday potlucks.

theSethsquatch The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But only if you enter through his ass.

NicLewis 8-track players in attics transform back into their disco-robot forms for the long trip back to planet Funk. #ChristmasMiracle

owlparliament Charles Bukowski reanimates and comes over; is ornery but also a surprising good pastry chef. #ChristmasMiracle

ryankresse People take nitrates for heart problems. Bacon has nitrates. Therefore, bacon cures heart problems. #logic

mocoddle If I were to get some sort of voice-control typing software, all my tweets would be profanity and chupacabras.

michael_J_m00n When I jingle, I jingle all the way.

paulverhoeven Just tried to Shazam a fire alarm at a Westfield.

ruthakers You can tell a lot about a girl by how many hand movements it takes her to describe her prom dress.

allisonthemeep Um, Christmas is in one week. Holy shit. I mean, Oh, holy shit. The stars are brightly shining.

J__Swift Okay, Twitter is distracting me from my new boyfriend: video games. We’re gonna go make love now.

TheRedQueen My toddler just shushed me. Apparently I was making too much noise while he was trying to watch his stories.

geekandahalf Pretty sure I meant “bitches”, autocorrect, but good lookin’ out.

J__Swift I think I’ll buy something to cheer myself up. This gun oughta do it.

apodixis Geese always sound like they’re laughing at me. I wonder if they know how good they taste.

alwysabridesmd I see there is a jammie snuggie thing called “Forever Lazy.” pretty sure that would be the phrase I’d choose for knuckle tattoos. #4EVAlazy

dspiral I really should have stretched before wrapping those gifts. #gettingold

benmarvin My new years resolution is to count how many times I poop in 2012.

lemoneyes Waking up early makes it harder for me to stay up late. Too little sleep is what makes that seem like an insight.

danforthfrance Strange that no one in the Nativity stood with their back to the camera.

Toaster_Pastry Daughter brought home a small vial of pure concentrated weapons-grade glitter.

rstevens In the Marvel Universe, a “Daily Bugle” is also a sex act.

mikeleffingwell It sucks when you try to join a gang in a new city and find out none of your street creds transferred.

Lilacmess We got our xmas stockings from my MIL today and proceeded to open all of it. We have completely failed as adults. I blame husband

kellyoxford “I love her period.” – missing comma, game changer

mikeleffingwell ONE DAY after I cancel my “Whoopi Goldberg fart” Google alert and look what happens.

schmutzie I’ve now expanded my diet from peanut butter sandwiches & Little Debbie Nutty Bars to include peanut butter cookies. Diversity is key.

TheNextMartha I’m really hoping to pass this plague onto someone who deserves it.

jenstatsky “Here lies Jen Statsky. She is survived by fourteen hundred half-full punch cards from various coffee shops.”

Angel__Bee Oh good, Allie’s behind the Christmas tree grunting. This will end well.

badbanana The next Mission Impossible movie should be two hours of Tom Cruise trying not to jump onto a couch after drinking seven Red Bulls.

onenjen In my son’s world, the garbage man is on par with Ryan Gosling. “Like, OMG. He WAVED at me!”

johnmoe Question about those Progressive commercials: why are people who are dead and in heaven concerned about car insurance?

JRehling Before you decide you’re the world’s worst cook, I just burned a banana to ashes while peeling it.

Kitty_Crawford I am pregnant. The father is satay chicken curry.

morninggloria GOP debate would be much more tolerable if a merry prankster had queued up the Little Rascals theme to play as the candidates took the stage

ProfessorSnack I spend a lot more of my time than I used to searching for beverages I’ve set down.

LaurenBans How is the tagline for the McRib not “Ribbed For Your Pleasure?” How?

corrinrenee Blankets should have pockets for your feet. #bedtimethoughts

markleggett Send me a DM if you want to swing by my house tonight and get totally fucked-up on vegetarian pizza.

MaybeNotSteve I’m so hungry I asked a horse to the prom and she said YES!!!

adiopink Re: woman who gestured at my dad & asked what my husband does. My sister says I should’ve replied: “He sleeps with my mom.”

meganmonique “The Kinect gives me more opportunities to use my jazz hands!” – The Mister

sucittaM Even if none of the Republican candidates become president, they all still have promising careers as actors in Kay Jewelers commercials.

Caissie Every time I look at Ron Paul my mouth starts watering for a Werther’s Original! #TweetThePress

PolyesterPony My xbox no longer listens when I say pause. We’ve grown so far apart.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.