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Thrift Store Gore: Christmas Special

24 Dec

 “I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake. AND ALONE.”

“Get me outta here, will ya? I have a sleigh to pull for Dick Chaney.”

“Just ate all the Sugarplum Fairies, LOL.”

“I think the baby Jesus is faaaaaaabulous!”

“Zorro made it himself!”

“You shouldn’t have bought those thigh-high boots and clown hat.”

“Yo quiero your soul.”

“Ho ho ho! Santa’s been naughty.”

“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A BUD LIGHT!”

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Little Big Shop Sale!

17 Dec

Here’s what’s up in the shop!

Recent Additions to the Little Big Shop:

Embroidered Vintage Clutch, granny chic.

Daisy Wall Plaque, your bathroom needs this.

Thrift Store Gore – White Elephant Gift Exchange Gifts:

(Confused about this section of the store? This should clear it up.)

Frightening Anne Geddes Bear.

Handcrafted Abalone Lamp.

Instructional Romance Book.

Speaking of the Grandchildren Photo Album.

Burned Down Schoolhouse Commemorative Plate.

Remember! Lucky buyers of Thrift Store Gore will get a photo of drunk Santa for your troubles. Someone’s been naughty this year! SPOILER ALERT: It’s Santa.

Little Big Shop Sale Items:

Designer Chrysanthemum Mug, price lowered by $6.00!

Vintage Baby Book, price lowered by $10.00!

Copper Parthenon Ashtray, price lowered by $6.00!

Vintage Glass Storage Jars, price lowered by $10.00!

Keep checking back as I’m adding more items all the time! Sale ends in a week or so or when I remember to change it back.

Little Big Shop Sale!

10 Dec

Here’s what’s up in the shop!

Recent Additions to the Little Big Shop:

Embroidered Vintage Clutch, granny chic.

Daisy Wall Plaque, your bathroom needs this.

Thrift Store Gore – White Elephant Gift Exchange Gifts:

(Confused about this section of the store? This should clear it up.)

Frightening Anne Geddes Bear.

Handcrafted Abalone Lamp.

Instructional Romance Book.

Speaking of the Grandchildren Photo Album.

Burned Down Schoolhouse Commemorative Plate.

Remember! Lucky buyers of Thrift Store Gore will get a photo of drunk Santa for your troubles. Someone’s been naughty this year! SPOILER ALERT: It’s Santa.

Little Big Shop Sale Items:

Designer Chrysanthemum Mug, price lowered by $6.00!

Vintage Baby Book, price lowered by $10.00!

Copper Parthenon Ashtray, price lowered by $6.00!

Vintage Glass Storage Jars, price lowered by $10.00!

Keep checking back as I’m adding more items all the time! Sale ends in a week or so or when I remember to change it back.

Little Big Shop: White Elephant Extravaganza

1 Dec

This year many of you will be invited to holiday parties in which you will be required to bring a gift of questionable taste. Although terms vary from place to place, this is generally what’s known as a White Elephant Gift Exchange. A good friend of mine has participated in such an exchange with her siblings for many years, and each year they try to outdo each other by finding the most ridiculous, most ludicrous gift of them all.

Perhaps you have been invited to such a get together? If so, do I have the Thrift Store Gore for you.

Yes, I’ve seen some pretty awful things in thrift stores over the years. Adult-sized Spiderman Underoos. A luncheon with a cheetah. Whatever this is. But now, dear readers, you can own a piece of Thrift Store Gore history. I have assembled some of my weirdest finds so you can become Queen (or King, we don’t hate) of the Gift Exchange.

These last few months have been spent tracking down the weirdest thrifted items to ensure only the most tasteless and uniquely terrible gift giving possible.

How about a decorative plate, commemorating different school houses that burned down?

Or a  book called “Wild Animals at Home,” a primitive predecessor of LOLCATS, in which someone took photos of animals at the zoo and then wrote offensive, and at times, horribly sexist, captions underneath them.

The author thinks animals really hate Democrats.

It’s a fun read for the kids! (Not really!)

I’m pretty taken with this handcrafted abalone lamp sombody’s cracked-out uncle cobbled together from a sea shell, a light socket, and an electrical cord. Bonus: it might be a fire hazard!

Years ago my friend Stefanie and I found a book called “I Can’t Think Of A Thing To Say!” while thrifting. It gives all sorts of advice on what to say to that boss hunk with the parachute pants.

The inside cover says “Especially for Girls.” It looks like Kotex packaging.

For those with crazy parents, who wouldn’t want to give them a “SPEAKING OF THE GRANDCHILDREN” photo album from 1970? (My mom thought this was a great idea, actually. But since she has only one grandchild I’d have to fill the rest of the album with cat photos.)

Last but not certainly not least, I found a creepy Anne Geddes doll that suggests she may be into furries. Give this to that extra irritating coworker who belches loudly and smells of Redbull, powdered donuts, and hopelessness.

But wait, there’s more! The first customer to purchase something from this section of my shop will get this slightly disturbing sheet of vintage wrapping paper free:

It’s a little crinkled so I’m not selling it, although it’s definitely weird enough to qualify as Thrift Store Gore.

Those of you who’ve purchased from me before know that each order comes with a photo thank you card and these gifts are no exception. Lucky buyers of Thrift Store Gore will get a photo of drunk Santa for your troubles. Someone’s been naughty this year! SPOILER ALERT: It’s Santa.

Stop by the shop and visit the Post-Cyber-Monday Sale, and pick up some Thrift Store Gore while you’re at it. Because you are never too old to be eaten by an Anne Geddes bear.

Follow Friday – Keep on Truckin’

11 Nov

When our friend John got hired by a trucking company I immediately took it upon myself to buy him every single amusing vintage trucker hat I came upon while thrifting. John is a lover of gaming, D&D and comic books, and didn’t bat an eye when I started presenting him with these hats, even when I gave him a child’s-sized panda hat when he was dressed up as Rorschach for Halloween.

Here are some of my favorites.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

joshjs OH: “Isn’t the saying ‘two pigs with one bird’ nowadays?”

TristinaWright I’m gonna carpe the hell out of this diem.

ObtuseLibrarian If you leave the first S out of Podcasts, you have Podcats. Which sound like fun.

Toaster_Pastry Today, I fired 6 people. Too bad they weren’t working for me.

NASeason I’m reduced to taking very long bathroom breaks to get a minute to myself. Family is EXHAUSTING.

slackmistress Everyone at work discovering my bizarre Internet life is like being the Batman of weirdos and perverts.

trumpetcake Slip a mayonnaise jar over both your hands and feet if you’d like to rid yourself of weasels. #HomeRemedies

thecorbettkid just so you know, the pink tiger is the same as the pink panther.

shellipants nanananana SALAD TIME!

bellyofawhale iPhones are so great, as long as you don’t plan on ever making an actual phone call on one.

lovegrrbottle apparently remote controls, camera cases & cords are top motivation for Sonora. bc she just CRAWLED, people. we have ourselves a techy baby.

TheNextMartha Woman just jogged by in what looked like to be a cat woman costume.

JennyJohnsonHi5 Watching my dad use his new iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try to communicate with her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

babybabylemon The toddler disappeared while holding a rice cake covered in peanut butter. This will not end well.

sarcasmically It’s a little sad how long I will spend on my hands and knees looking for that one Skittle I dropped.

MrWordsWorth Idea: The Star Trek: TNG crew passes through a vortex and ends up on an Appalachian planet for a movie I call Picard and Grinnin’

whiskeynikki Pants are for suckers.

will__lane The Murdering Tree #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

carlaeastis Blueberries & Bourbon for Sal #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

rileyroxme Mary’s Poppin #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

daniel14159 One fish, two fish, red fish, Kung Fu fish. #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

chrismcelwain Little House on the Post-apocalyptic Wasteland #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

robotderek Green Eggs and Bacon #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

Seizurebot1011 Five Little Monster Trucks #childrensbooksmademoreexciting

Chris_Withers The Lion, the Witch and Something More Interesting Than a Wardrobe. #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

woodge Blasting Caps For Sale #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

chrismcelwain Skateboarding Ninja of Green Gables #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

woodge If You Give A Mouse A Bazooka #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

MikeFinazzo The Boxcutter Kids #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

Seizurebot1011. Guess How Much I Love Explosions #childrensbooksmademoreexciting

jasonmustian Horton Hears ‘The Who,’ LIVE In Concert, On Acid #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

jotro Bi-Curious George #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

NotThatAndyJOne Fish, Two Fish, Giant Fish, Mutant Fish #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

johnmoe Goodbye Forever Moon #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

theleanover On Facebook, when I clicked that I “Like” Katy Perry, I really just meant her boobs.

GoonSquadSarah If DirecTV were a person, they would be the one you are only friends with because they have a boat. #SundayTicket

notthatkendall I’m going to spend my morning writing articles on corporate compliance…or dead. Dead sounds kind of cool, relatively speaking.

theleanover Nowadays Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big buffets.

notthatkendall “And then I forced the dog into a PhotoBooth photo shoot and we both took a nap.” – The last line in nearly all of my diary entries

the818 Waking up is for suckers.

theleanover Potential linens store name: Duvet Buffet.

rstevens Coffee. Black. In ceramic vessels.

slackmistress So it turns out “Call of Duty” isn’t a competitive pooping game.

johnmoe Uh oh. I accidentally bought the wrong game. I hope I can return this copy of Call of Doody.

MassageByTed It Burns #OtherDoritosFlavors

TheSuniverse There’s a spider above the door of the bathroom. Is it workplace harassment to tell a tall person to kill it?

keli_h last night, when i was reading E a story before bed, she said, “mom. i am so excited about having 2 dvd screens in our new car.” #priorities

rstevens My kingdom for a democratic republic.

TheManwife Hiring Manager: “Do you have any writing experience? Me: “Yes, I’ve published over 55,000 tweets.” I think I handled that rather well.

MrWordsWorth I subscribe to the belief that, if your Halloween decorations are still up one week later, you may as well just use those for Christmas.

CandyWarhole If I’ve learn one thing in life it’s this: Never trust a man who knows exactly how many candy canes he can hang on his penis.

royalboiler If we ever get jetpacks they will be so uncool. Like fannypacks mixed with segways.

mikeleffingwell A priest just performed an exorcism on our toilet. Nobody took a horrible shit there, he was just a crazy priest.

awrightbrian It’s not every day you get an extra hour to complain. Use it well, Twitter.

MariaMelee They need an app where you collect badges for doing this crazy parenting stuff.

kristenschaaled Thanks a lot Daylight Savings! Now I have to wait an extra hour for Christmas.

bobtiki Heck of a day for my beard trimmer to stop working. If you see a hobo at today’s wedding, it’s probably just me.

PolyesterPony There’s an old guy walking down the street with a spinning pinwheel hat on. Humanity has its charms.

MeganBoley There are 7893 Cheerios on the floor. In case you need any, I have them.

KeepingYouAwake Achievement unlocked: re-rolling entire roll of toilet paper that a child unrolled to wear.

MariaMelee Daylight savings was so much cooler before it meant my kids would be getting up at 6 am.

librarianearp I love watching all the Harry Potter movies in a row. Watching the kids grow up, become better actors, watching Hagrid’s house move.

mermaidpants Taking a break from #NaNoWriMo to watch an episode of Star Trek. There’s going to be photon torpedoes in my next chapter, I just know it.

PolyesterPony Hey, a guy asked me out. Like on a date. Sorry about that earthquake there Oklahoma.

heyrenees If only I’d been born sexy instead of empathetic.

jillgengler I think my tombstone will say “Jill Gengler: She was really fast with a flat iron.”

apodixis I know some of you are pretty busy. But you don’t actually have to read my tweets to star them. In fact, it’s better that way.

BridgetCallahan I just got spam promising me “close meeting with thoughtless facebook women” and I’m like, dude, I got that DOWN.

TheNextMartha I was just disciplining my 4 y/o and in the background my older son said “Oh Snap.”

badbanana Earlier this week, Andy Rooney had gone to the doctor complaining about shortness of breath and email and thumbtacks.

slackmistress Andy Rooney may have died, but Yelp commenters will make sure his legacy lives on.

biorhythmist (AP) Andy Rooney dead at 92 after a long battle with pretty much everything.

lzone @exlibris I’m convinced the only reason I keep my home phone is so I can call my cell phone when I lose it somewhere in the house.

ineedaballrub I still remember the day I hatched from my egg avatar.

cbnickras To everyone who thinks hipsters are not a real thing anymore: they are in the Midwest! We are on a 7 yr delay from the rest of civilization.

CleverTitleTK I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the words “discount” and “surgery” don’t go together, Groupon.

Important_Facts We have nothing to fear but fear itself, plus like ten thousand other things. #FearFacts

Bibliosoph I can’t afford to buy new sweaters this winter, so I think I’ll just get fat to keep warm instead.

NicLewis After warding off 3 Best Buy guys with my technobabble, they descended upon a lady in a motorized cart. Now I’m conflicted about my powers.

Leask I’m pretty awesome at complaining. #grumblebrag

JerryThomas I am become hugs, the cuddler of worlds.

Maybe you should have left it there.

BonesMcCoy Why is everyone obsessed that some Cardassian named Kim divorced?

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Thrift Store Gore: Buy Rite

14 Sep

It’s time for another round of: Thrift! Store! Gore!

Everyone remembers the Little Big Thrifting Pyramid, yes?

Okay then! First of all, look at the photo at the top of this post. You know you are going to find good stuff just by the paint job. In fact, I’ve seen velour track suits in thrift stores that would coordinate perfectly. This particular store is different from most of the places I shop. For one thing, they have security. They check your bags before you leave and look you over when you come in. Any backpacks or too large purses are to be left by the door. They won’t guarantee your items will still be there when you leave, but you can’t take them with you. This store is hard core.

For all that hassle, you go inside and this store is packed, I mean packed, from floor to ceiling, with a secondhand wonderland. Most of it, I’ll tell you right now, is crap. But the sheer number of crap guarantees a few treasures. The inside isn’t just full of junk, either: on a daily basis that store is as packed as a Ross Dress for Less. It’s insane. Back in the day this store was held in a building three or four times its current size (and it’s not exactly small now) and in high school Anthony or Angela and I used to make the trek a couple towns over in some unreliable car or another and load up. Back then, though, thrifting goodness practically grew on trees.

This skirt was amazing. It was velvet and even brighter in person than it is in pictures. It’s full-length, because you want as much of your body covered in this fabric as possible.

Oh man. When I look at this commuter mug I think, “Damn! That is an awful mug.” And then I think, “Damn! Why didn’t I buy that cute brown mug with the fruit on it underneath that ugly mug!”

This is another one of those Thrift Store Gores that I wish I would have bought. “Grandma,” in Old E? Dude, Grandma is gangsta.

I would like a matching doll that says, “I Have A Restraining Order On You This Much.”

Melynda found this book and I thought it was hysterical. I have never heard of the Pet Psychic but probably everyone else knows about her because she’s on TV. I am glad I have no idea what my pets are thinking. I can only imagine Jupiter’s thoughts are appalling.

Part of me wishes I got this board game to give to my friend Scott. Scott is German so he might appreciate it. Then again, if you look at the illustration of the guy on the front it looks like this game causes nervous breakdowns and possibly intestinal distress, so maybe he wouldn’t appreciate it after all.

The only thing more gangsta than a grandma mug would have to be a bright orange Bob Ross shirt. You are killing it today, white people! Killing it.

I also regret not buying this “Senior Adults Have More Fun” backpack. Maybe they do have more fun, but I don’t want to hear about it. Eeeew.

And finally, we have the 1970s version of the pillow pet, except instead of a reasonably normal-looking stuffed animal, we have here a baby doll’s head in a crazy yellow fur suit.

“Snuggle me!” its face commands. “Lay your head on my butt!”

“I’m a bargain!”

Thrift Store Score: The Golden Ass

29 Aug

I thought I was dreaming when I saw it. I honestly don’t know whether to categorize this as Thrift Store Score or Thrift Store Gore. It’s so perfect. I almost didn’t buy it, but then I realized that if I didn’t I would regret it for the rest of my entire life.

After finally deciding it had to be mine, I tweeted “Going to see a man about a Golden Ass.” Your eyes do not deceive you. It’s a blank donkey trophy.

My neighbors across the street were having a giant yard sale with a couple other families they knew, and naturally, I had to check it out. One of the families there was selling a bunch of these trophies. By the time I went back for this one, all the others were gone. A sellout item at every yard sale, they said. I can see why! It has so much potential. Think of all the things you could get engraved on it.

I sure would be flattered to receive a trophy like this on Valentine’s day!

Or, you could give it to a coworker.

Hell, I’d like a bunch of those so I could just hand them out to people on the street.

Yes, a blank donkey trophy is pretty much the best greeting card ever.

Thrifty Living: Toy Cart Update

22 Aug

Recently I posted about the vintage cart we’re using as toy storage for Isobel. I still needed organizing bins at the time, but it worked out so perfectly just as it was that I wanted to share it. Isobel and I took a trip to Target the next day and I happy to discover their dollar aisle was full of colorful storage bins. I bought a ton since I didn’t know what exactly I’d need and also because her play room (known in our house as “the guest bedroom,” or more often simply, “the pencil room”) was also in need of some organizational assistance. Even so, I bought more than I’d need for just the two areas since I wanted to be sure I had both areas covered and I knew I could take back the unused bins.

Isobel was busy “painting” while I got to work on the toy cart.

Her toys already divided pretty evenly by type: bubbles, sand and gardening toys, chalk, and water painting supplies. She also has a ton of small inflatable beach balls left over from her bubble-themed birthday party,  but those we keep near the pool with her other water toys. The Barbies, of course, are courtesy of Jupey’s Harem.

The top of the cart is where we keep the watering cans, her bulk bubbles, her (by now crusty) Easter basket, and of course, all of her water painting buckets and brushes. Since she was playing with them at the moment of the photo, they are not pictured.

The second tier of the cart comfortably holds vast amounts of chalk and an assortment of bubble wands and bubbles. The librarian in me was tickled the two orange pans fit neatly side by side on this shelf, as if they were meant for it. It gave me an organizational boner.

The bottom shelf holds a large bin with all of her gardening equipment and her sand castle toys. Next to that is the bubble bucket and her “Mrs. Cat Boots.”

Hey, Isobel! While I was organizing, you weren’t by chance  painting the windows, hrmmmmmm?

That’s what I thought.

All the extra tubs I had intended to return never made it back to Target. Isobel thought up a lovely new game called “Train” and they are now a necessary part of our family. She likes to organize them by color, sort them into a line, fill each “car” with passengers, and sit in the front bin while saying, “CHOO CHOO!”

If it makes her happy then I guess it was money well spent, especially since each bin averaged out to about a dollar.

This whole “thrifty living” thing I’m so fond of? I think Isobel’s better at it than I am.

Thrift Store Gore: Brian McPoopington

4 Aug

I helped out at my bestie’s yard sale this last weekend, and in addition to making them a ton of sweet cash, I came across one of the best cases of Thrift Store Gore ever.  I’d say it’s at least as weird as the poster that looks like it is drowning a baby while talking about Jesus. (Keep scrolling. It’s at the bottom.) And Angela didn’t even know she had it.

Justin took a photo of Mel and me. I look barely coherent.

Source

We started unpacking items for the sale when we came across this doll. In the interest of making this as anonymous as possible, a well-meaning family member gave Angela’s infant son a porcelain collector’s doll. Angela thought it was strange to give an infant a collector’s doll so she took one look at the dolls face and stashed it away in a cupboard for a future yard sale. She had no idea.

So we took it out of the box to display it, and guess what we found.

Wait, what?

Ohmygod, it’s not just a creepy collector’s doll. It’s a creepy collector’s doll that sits on the potty with its pants down.


It was supposed to be posed with it’s hands on its face to match its “Ho, hum, just takin’ a shit!” expression, but Angela thought it looked much better this way.

I agree.

The doll’s name was Brian, so naturally we named him Brian McPoopington, or just Brian McPoop as the day went on. If you click on the instructions above, you can see the admonishments to force Brian’s arms into their correct pose. Which, duh, the pose Angela found was much better.

We were so sure Brian McPoop wasn’t going to sell that Angela started making plans to give him to our friend Scott as a white elephant Christmas gift. He sold immediately, of course.

We had a hard time fitting him back in the box, so Angela ended up putting the potty over his head so she could close the lid.

Sigh. Elke Hutchens. You should be ashamed. What do you have to say for yourself?

Summertime, and the Thriftin’s Easy

3 Aug

What do you do when some of your best friends come into town for a visit? Same thing you always did together – thrifting! Today I’m showcasing the  Thrift Store Gore but I also had some pretty sweet scores, too, including this find here.

Just to recap, this is the Little Big Thrifting Pyramid. Most of the stuff you find while thrifting is unremarkable, while a much smaller portion of that is stuff that is awesome, and an even smaller percentage of that is what I call Thrift Store Gore.

First up, our Goodwill has an agreement with our local Target to take some of their unsold merch off their hands, so there is always a small section of brand new goods in the store. Including this device which had a long and complicated name only Scott can remember, but which we referred to as “The Grab ‘n Grab.” Here’s Scott Grab ‘n Grabbing me.

I was of course saying, “Hey Scott! Stop ‘n Stop!”

As it happens often, pictures are donated to thrift stores with the original family photos still in them.  When Angela held this up Scott said, “I have been looking all over for a picture of that lady!”

We found this. I think that’s all I have to say on the matter.

We decided this shirt must be business casual for Hooters.

"Just looking for honey LOL"

I got the distinct feeling I was being watched while thrifting.

What I love about this 80s mug is that someone waited all this time, for maybe thirty years, before they decided it was time to let go. Which I can understand. This mug looks like Max Headroom himself wished you a Happy Birthday.

"I think the baby jesus is faaaaaabulous!"

This is the sassiest camel sculpture ever. I can only imagine awesome nativity scene this came from. Most fashionable holy family ever.

"That's the last time I drink Leprechaun Car Bombs."

I don’t know about you, but count me out of the sort of hangover that makes you lose an eye.

Stef found some pretty epic Jazzercise and fauxzzercise records. The 80s was a weird time. A time when you worked out to albums.

Look at this sweet dinosaur tuxedo vest. It was toddler-sized. If only I had a son!

Donated by The Most Interesting Toddler In The World.

The photo below is notable for two reasons: one, it’s like whomever made the horse decided it had two butts and attached the hair accordingly, and two, damn, that is probably the second best photobomb of all time. Good work, manic pumpkin!

(The best photobomb of all time, of course, is found here.)

"I don't have a shirt awesome enough to wear with these pants."

These pants had lobsters embroidered all over them. Lobsters. As everyone knows, lobsters never go out of style. You can wear them past labor day even though they are white because they have lobsters on them, and the Queen herself would approve. Which Queen, you ask? Any queen. Ever. Anywhere. Because, you guys, lobster pants.

Oh, I should mention that while thrifting we found this book, which pretty much proves time travel exists. It talked about how everyone rides in rockets and how we all enjoy space travel. Clearly, a time-traveling Sam Clemens was reading it when he accidentally left it on a bus somewhere. I’ve been trying to get in touch with Art Bell about this but it’s really hard to talk on the phone while wearing my tinfoil hat.

"Yay, Armegeddon!"

Stef found this book especially for Jake. I think she secretly regrets not buying it for herself.

"Just ate all the sugarplum fairies LOL"

And I’m ending this trip with something straight out of  music’s newest sensation: Tchaikovsky’s The Zombie Nutcracker Suite. Merry Early Zombie Christmas!