Follow Friday – iPhone Photos

It’s been awhile since I used iPhone photos in a Follow Friday. I know how easy it is to just default to capturing everything on a camera that slips into your pocket, which is why I make the effort to keep my big camera fully charged and easily accessible. Locked and loaded, as it were. But the great thing about using the iPhone camera is not the actual camera itself (I’m still rockin’ and ancient–by Apple standards–3G version) but the spontaneity of the images themselves. This is what we were doing in the moment, without posing or planning or adjusting the light. For better or for worse.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

mommywantsvodka Missed Connection. Me: 31-year old with slightly kicky hair. You: My motivation.

MelissaLynnette There is a gif of Nancy Grace shaking her tits on @jezebel and now I need new eyes.

helgagrace Have been known to use “Butternuts!” as a mild curse.

ampersandwich Oh, Netflix. I like Meatballs, so you suggest Weird Science, Spaceballs, and… The Civil War by Ken Burns? Really?

KeepingYouAwake My phone just autocorrected “totes magoats” to “Totes maggots”. In other news, don’t judge me. That’s a hilarious phrase.

Qwikster I just got scared I went into the shower turned on the water n then stuff started falling I was lik omg wtf lol

badbanana I was prepared to suspend disbelief when I rented Thor, but come on. Admitted to a hospital without insurance?

heyrenees Trust me, bores of the world, no one cares where the hell you’ve checked in. We’ll BARELY care when you’ve checked out.

EvenMoreSarah Oh Michael Vick got injured in a football game? This is me, not feeling bad.

InfiniteChicken I want to burn all the good will my business once commanded. If only there were some model on how to do that effectively.

alyankovic I don’t need washboard abs. I’ve got front-loading Energy Star-compliant abs.

MagpieLibrarian If yr library coworkers insist on celebrating TalkLikeaPirateDay it is perfectly acceptable 2 keelhaul them under the library’s bookmobile.

joeinverarity Did anybody else notice Larry King has slowly transformed into a man-size Praying Mantis?

MightyHunter My phone doesn’t seem to be connecting to any of my social media outlets. A smart person would take this as a sign to get to work.

burnstand “Trust me, I know the difference between foamy and frothy, and your mother’s vagina is definitely foamy.”

jillsmo This headache that I’ve had for 4 days now is starting to get a little old. I’m a headache hipster; this is no longer cool.

EvenMoreSarah Pints of Ben & Jerry’s are $3 at Rite Aid. A friend told me.

ClevelandPoet MaritalBliss = I call out “I don’t know, but I’ve been told” and @kittenkaboom calls back “Eskimo pussy is mighty cold!” #FullMetalJacket

markleggett My beard is almost long enough to chew! How exciting for me.

AmandaStretch Just pushed my computer/reading glasses up with my pointer finger by the bridge. I’ll be turning in my Cool Person card now. If I have one.

telephase Children left unattended will be given Jolt! Cola and a Vuvuzela. #newdeptsignage

yoyology A lampshade wearing a lampshade on its head #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

mocoddle SEXY Can of Corn #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

ryankresse Diabeetus. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

ElKaboing Active Yogurt Culture #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

jenifersf Pillowcase full of ham. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

negativsteve Dignity. Also, Sexy Dignity #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

pattymarq Mr. Collins and Lady Catherine de Bourgh #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

timeblimp A fully functional rotary sander. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

Killerrobodb The miracle of birth #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

turtlesby SEXY Umlaut #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

NicLewis Drunk cactus. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

NicLewis Freddy Krueger, as an innocent baby. #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

InfiniteChicken Dog disguised as other dog #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

Vernacularshift Snake with a leg #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

mocoddle Toner Cartridge #RejectedHalloweenCostumes

NicLewis CircleJerx. #RejectedNetflixNames

jenifersf Discwank. #RejectedNetflixNames

NicLewis Digisquirt. #RejectedNetflixNames

ElKaboing ‘Puter Vision #RejectedNetflixNames

Thoracic_Park Ooopster #rejectedNetflixnames

bradmahler Qwikderp #RejectedNetflixNames

msbellows In Netflix’s defense: if the Union Pacific had evolved into an airline like it should have, its old customers would’ve hated riding Haulster.

jillgengler Earlier this morning, found the three year old dancing around with her brother’s athletic cup on her head like it was a small, kicky beret.

michael_J_m00n I just did an amazing impression of a Keurig coffee maker. The guy in the next stall was really impressed.

MassageByTed Sometimes I only want 3 or 4 hours of energy.

adamselzer Getting scared that clowns will blow up in 2014 like pirates did in 2002. I should start writing a clown romance now, probably.

johnmoe My 1990s self just time traveled in and can’t believe anyone’s complaining about Netflix. Brought the new Cracker cassette too.

thejohnblog Starting my new job today. I’m still trying to decide between using a cockney British accent or loud Scotsman.

hereslizz Ever consider getting your pinky toe removed so your insensible shoes will fit more comfortably? Just me?

MakeMommyCoffee I looked up briefly at Sesame Street and saw what I swear was Mr. Noodle fellating a Sonicare toothbrush. I think I need more coffee.

fierceflawless Oh, Michael Vick got hurt in the game last night? We’d better just put him down then. I have a few ideas…

tigervsshark Boss: Remove each star from this galaxy photo
Me: Thats millions of stars. Can I just make a new picture of black instead?
Boss: Hmmm..no.

LisaMcIntire “We had to destroy the service in order to save it.” – Netflix

danforthfrance Netflix just called me drunk, kept saying “I’m sorry” and said, “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Whoops, there’s the cops” and hung up.

MightyQuinn72 O hi bots. Shoulda seen that coming. Let’s see… ipod mcdonalds walmart porn diet insurance, Ready. GO.

ohrebecca I hope fantasy football is mostly about riding pegasus through rainbows and feeding cupcakes to unicorns, ’cause then I GOT THIS.

BridgetCallahan CW is like the Countess Bathory, it bathes in the blood of young girls to stay young.

theleanover You know it’s a party when people bust out ukeleles and didgeridoos.

pistolval Tired. Like zombie tired. If I start eating people I’ll let you know.

blondediva11 I’m disappointed that Fox News didn’t win for Best Comedy again! #emmys

limadean We need an eighth day in the week. I’d call it Bookday, and make it dedicated to reading my pile of 20 books.

Mike_FTW Every once in a while San Francisco puts someone in front of me that makes me question evolution.

notbrandoncrane My mom was talking about a movie called “Yellow Icing”. The movie she was actually talking about was “Layer Cake”. At least she’s seen it.

TheNextMartha I’m not sure what makes church more attractive. The free God childcare or the wine.

bebehblog Which is worse: The Education Connection commercial song or Dino Dan? DISCUSS.

TwoAdults Husband took Ezra to Chucky Cheese. That’s where “Contagion” was filmed, right?

jenifersf My ears are itchy. I think that means someone is talking about how well I can hear.

ericsiry I honestly don’t mean to tweet so much about my dog’s poop, but as writing instructors say, “tweet what you know.”

shinyinfo Sign of the end times: My Mother has a tablet before I do. Jesus wept.

theleanover I’ve spent 30 years fattening myself up for this winter.

Cramtron Its Thomas Kinkade! His body fades away in pastel motes of light. The light gathers and enters your heart. YOU ARE NOW THE PAINTER OF LIGHT.

The_Pigeon Abbreviations made easy: “LOL” is an abbreviation for “Ha”. “LMFAO” is an abbreviation for “Ha Ha”.

AndreaDesirePen Bowling is the perfect activity when I’m in the mood to stick my fingers in disease-ridden holes, but your mom is unavailable.

eareeve I was just so excited at finding a low-dose iron supplement, I may have aged 40 years.

HopicalTumor 6 hours spent carefully crafting, editing, rewriting and honing epic tweet to end all tweets: 0 Stars. Cat walks across keyboard: 47 Stars.

PlainSaraJane22 I just found the ball bearings from a Magnetix set inside of a tinkerbell sock. My girl’s getting ready for a brawl, ya’ll.

Greeblemonkey My life revolves around how much battery charge my iPhone has left.

joeinverarity Listening to Fleet Foxes because I was in the mood to hear human beards play music.

MommyNaniBooboo Dealing with a 3 yr old is way harder than that time I saved the world.

InfiniteChicken I got a bill from ‘State Farm’. Why do I owe money to a communist cooperative? Did we lose a war?

shinyinfo @exlibris What was the name of the bookmarking site where you insulted their moms? This is a work related question.

MmeSurly Ruby wrote a song and she’s been singing it all morning. It’s called “Flippin’ Panties.” You’re welcome, Other Preschool Parents.

UnicornFlavored I’m tired of junk food commercials trying to pull the whole fresh farm-to-bag crap. Crackers, cookies, chips. Know your role, assholes.

emoryshatzer If I had a magic wand I’d use it to make another magic wand, except one that’s thinner & has a longer battery-life.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Holding Hands

I am so going to miss the Farmer’s Market when it closes next month. I’ve been to almost all of them this year, and some of the time we’ve been lucky enough to meet up with my bestie Angela and her son Kingston. This trip they not only decided they were going to spend about a half hour spontaneously dancing, but they also took the opportunity to hold hands and run around.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

NASeason Ergo baby carrier hidden bonus: no bra required.

BridgetCallahan What if when God said “I have a plan”, he meant “…to kill you all. Muahahahaha”?

theleanover When I say “Will cuddle for $$” I mean I’ll cuddle and you give me money as opposed to the more conventional arrangement of me paying you.

iNusku I sure hope these anti-psychotics don’t level me out, and turn me into a Facebook user.

sgnp When all is lost, flip the board over like a maniac. #LifeLessonsMonopolyTaughtMe

mrpilkington Okay last chance for you to give me access to your sweet Manhattan penthouse for a week. I have zero dollars but I will break things.

jillgengler Seen on way into work: high-waisted acid wash jeans paired with a side pony. Children of the future, those of the past send warnings!

thecorbettkid big chapter of our lives. 4yo started school this am. his dad says: “well, one step closer to making his own money!” um…

hotdogsladies While I have absolutely no interest in organized sports, I’m always pulling for anyone who’s trying to use MUNI. Guess I love an underdog.

slackmistress Crappy Diem, amirite?

wowser “We’d like to employ a slave, but they have to be very posh” – Internships.

joeinverarity In case you are having too good of a good day, let me remind you, Snooki is a New York Times Best-Selling Author, and we live in this world.

TheAngryDM Apparently, I can control the weather. I can summon drenching rain merely by leaving my car windows open.

theleanover Isn’t it embarrassing when you open your laptop up in a classroom and the video player’s still on and instead of porn it’s Star Trek DS9?

PlumeriaSprite Hugging an old, plump, buxom woman is like a comfy memory foam mattress.

markleggett “Conway Twitty” sounds like an app.

Handflapper Who the fuck are these skank whore looking fairies hanging out with Tinkerbell anyway? Disney’s version of The Bad Girls’ Club?

LouisPeitzman I’d drive a lot better if you’d just let me win all our Words With Friends games.

willgoldstein Is it bad that I need my twitter and instagram feeds to figure out when I last bathed my child?

FozziesRevenge i thought turtles were too slow to be effective ninjas

librarianearp Attention. I have added Tiptoe Through The Tulips to my ukulele recital list. I believe this means I should be Tiny Tim for Halloween.

smonkyou My wife told me to call at 3pm to find out where I am. But I know where I am so I’m not sure if I should call.

chickenscottpie When you harmonize with the hum of the garage door opener, people act like, somehow, you’re the one who’s crazy.

geekandahalf Drunk. Tell ya mama.

PolyesterPony You’ll be happy to know that you can mix gins with no more ill affect. Effect? Fuck. Maybe a little effect. Dammit.

slackmistress How many years of marriage is the Star Trek Anniversary?

TheThryll Some people like Beethoven’s 5th, I prefer “Dennis Steals the Embryo” from the Jurassic Park Soundtrack.

YourAuntDiane Anyone want some leftovers of this vegan dessert I just had? It’ll keep forever, it’s a bowl of water.

shinyinfo You know someone’s got their lyric game locked up when they make a Death of a Salesman reference.

johnmoe I asked my producer to find audio of Kardashians. For our public radio show. And the day just kind of went downhill after that.

UncleDynamite Every time I see a little kid slither out of a ball pit, I think “Design fail.”

Toaster_Pastry According to our office copy of People magazine, William and Kate are planning to get married.

aspaul I should never have bought an audiobook of Ethan Hawke narrating Slaughterhouse-Five. I’d rather hear Gilbert Gottfried reading Lolita.

himissjulie oh, man, I’d love to design a library. it might end up looking like homer simpson’s car, but it would be so much fun.

andrewtshaffer I found a poor little lonely pumpkin pie at Super Target and I had no choice but to take it home with me.

LIFECOACHERS Use your anger-charged batteries of hate to power your Energizer Bunny fists.

danbeames If M Night Shyamalan was on Twitter: “Just went to the shop to buy milk and eggs, now I’m WE ALL LIVE INSIDE A COMPUTER.”

sarcasmically Bacon is good and all but let’s be honest, it’s just a carrier for the chocolate frosting.

MassageByTed One universal truth about city buses: someone in the back is dying.

shariv67 Fucking your way to the top is a great way to become a world class fuck-up.

badbanana Day five of the Insanity Workout. Ten minutes of talking to a mailbox followed by an hour at McDonald’s with a sword.

ProfessorSnack One man’s junk is another man’s pleasure.

Ty_Schutz I’m so comfortable with my sexuality, I’ve started farting in front of it.

rachow Think I figured out the secret to a bigger dick. Might shoot everyone an email.

abdpbt Is it real irony or Alanis irony that the OB/GYN has the most uncomfortable seating options for pregnant women available?

taryn_a_k When I was younger I though Sleeping With The Enemy was part two of Pretty Woman. That explains a lot of my paranoia in relationships.

TheNextMartha When some of you admit that you’re crazy? I believe you.

eliza_evans Okay, have to eat before proofing this cover letter. Else I’ll probably send it off saying something like, ‘Please love me. I work good.’

helgagrace Wow, I actually found a horror movie ON THE SHELF. WHERE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. My patrons are getting lazy.

posthumanist Literally every Republican presidential candidate looks like they could play Satan in a movie about a Satan president.

DaisyJDog You ever notice how white dogs are all like this but black dogs are also the same way because dogs aren’t racist?

theleanover Nothin’ makes me sadder than people! LOL!

muffpunch Dropped the carafe to my espresso maker & broke it. Cleaned up the glass then knocked the machine over & broke it. I’m pretty good at this.

babybabylemon I wonder if Spencer has figured out why he asks me to sing the ABC song every time after twinkle twinkle.

UnicornFlavored Note: “Tranquil Mint” aromatherapy lotion from B&BWorks smells NOT like mint, but like a heavily cologned man in white linen pants.

eihposa Holy crap I didn’t mean for that to be in all caps. Sorry. I feel dirty.

SpaghettiJesus I always mistake people with Audrey Hepburn avatars for Audrey Hepburn.

geekandahalf I’m not even running for president and I could freaking beat Newt Gingrich. #realtalk

LouisPeitzman The more this country goes to shit, the more I rely on the hilarious people I follow to keep me sane. You’re all my Jon Stewarts!

rstevens Peek At Chu is a dude who looks in people’s windows. Pikachu is the famous electric cryptid. Know your cryptids.

DoubleBerg426 Just pulled off the rare sneeze-fart-sigh triplet.

morninggloria The Republican Debate happened tonight. Or, as I like to call it, The Great American Who Can Keep A Straight Face The Longest? Contest.

sarcasmically I hope to make it big one day and have an attendant whose sole responsibility will be to make sure my hands are never lacking an Otter Pop.

SpaghettiJesus The most important moral I have taken away tonight is that just because you have a side salad in your fridge, you don’t have to eat it. #GOP

luckyshirt People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw orgies.

jillsmo According to my mom, in order to teach me about sex as a kid, she bought me a Playgirl magazine. And I colored all the penises purple.

ShaunLetendre Either ‘desperate and lonely’ doesn’t work anymore, or this is a gay bar.

jenifersf  “Capture and battle magical breasts” is what I just read an ad for a video game say. That would be better than what the game actually is.

WordShore “The red means hot. The blue means cold. Wanna practice a little?” Handyman has little faith in my uncivilized European upbringing.

MassageByTed Measuring my head with a ruler because I couldn’t possibly have anything more pressing to do.

luckyshirt Fall fashion trends update from my campus! This year it’s “picnic table pelts” for the guys, and “what the hell are sizes” for the ladies!

SaraJOY Pretty sure that when I think really mean things & do not say them, candy is supposed to rain from the heavens. WHERE’S MY CANDY, SKY?!?!

domesticH nobody cried, the toast didn’t burn, and the first thing i put on worked… i’m pretty sure this’ll be the day i get hit by a car.

anildash One of the best things about getting old is how many things you don’t have to give a shit about anymore.

saraschaefer1 Watching a documentary about a sheep farm. THEY ARE PUTTING FOOTIE PAJAMAS ON A NEWBORN LAMB.

wordsinmymouth Could some one please DM me a Xanax. Thanks!

han_nahj adults should NEVER have to wear leotards.

theleanover Admits he was a barnacle that clung to the side of Noah’s Ark. #CheneyBookSurprises

theleanover Foreword written by George W. Bush: in crayon. #CheneyBookSurprises

theleanover Written on a typewriter built by Satan. #CheneyBookSurprises

NicLewis Has never eaten an orphan. He prefers the family to watch as he eats. #CheneyBookSurprises

Mothpete If you don’t have enough explosions in your movie, you’re doing it the wrong Michael Bay.

telephase Sometimes, I start trying to play Wu-Tang Clan lyrics on Words with Friends. That’s how I know it’s time to put down the phone.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Vintage Chairs

Our weekly Farmer’s Market has lately been populated with adorable vintage chairs,  and after walking by this adorable turquoise set of patio chairs and tables I broke down and brought them home. I would have loved to add these colorful children’s chairs to our home, but considering our decorating theme is already close to what I call “Goldilocks,” I had to pass. Unfortunately.

If Isobel’s outfit looks familiar it’s because I took these photos on the day when she and Kingston spontaneously started dancing. Though, really, this is the outfit she would wear every day, if I let her.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

filigreegirl Just realized I’ve been here since 8:00 and I have no idea where I put my glasses.

toddmarrone The stick figure decals on my car’s rear window represent the people I’ve hit.

theneener OH at the Labs: Could’ve been the president of the company, could’ve been a vagrant. You never know with those cowboy hats.

TheNextMartha Actually remembering that today was picture day is my greatest accomplishment this year.

RitleySammich “I’d tap that.” – The Raven, on your chamber door

wawoodworth Bacon and the Art of Motorcycle Repair #replacebooktitleswithbacon

quietjenn The Year of Magical Bacon #replacebooktitleswithbacon

LaurelKS The Call of the Bacon #replacebooktitleswithbacon

goodinthestacks Who Moved My Bacon? #replacebooktitleswithbacon

lauracope Their Eyes Were Watching Bacon #replacebooktitleswithbacon

iamfoxyroxie A Million Little Bacons #replacebooktitleswithbacon

NiceDeb All I Really Needed To Know About Bacon I Learned in Kindergarten #replacebooktitleswithbacon

yowhatsthehaps  The way Al Green feels when he sings to ladies is pretty much how I feel about pop tarts. (I looooooooooooove them.)

NASeason You know what sound I love hearing when I’m hooked to the breast pump? Cat vomiting on carpet, that’s what.

jerryrenek If you dye your dog’s fur, there should be a special corner of Kansas set aside for you.

dingman35 I used to wake up to Kenny Loggins Dangerzone as my alarm but I don’t anymore, because the day can’t possibly get any better after that

slackmistress I still fit into my jeans which means I’ve failed Labor Day.

shariv67 Avoid unfortunate teasing like Mitch the bitch or Lester the molester by naming all your kids Orange.

That_Biz I will survive, until nap time, hey hey!

MassageByTed If only Dorothea Lange had used Instagram, the Depression would’ve been way more awesome.

rstevens Microblogging is so 2007. I’m nanoblogging now.

GoonSquadSarah I just broke my lawnmower. Somehow that makes me feel like a badass.

ohpeetie Gross. Mom made buckwheat pancakes for breakfast. I didn’t eat any because I have a strict No Eating Little Rascals policy.

frknrica Please use your indoor voices, Mommy had a lot of rum last night.

LouisPeitzman If I say, “gurl,” that means you look fierce. If I say, “guuurl,” you’re being crazy, or I started saying “gurl” and it turned into a burp.

TheRedQueen How do the actors on The Fresh Beat Band live with themselves?

rstevens How many buses could a Busey bus if a Busey could bus buses

rudepundit I wish corporations were people. I’d drag Bank of America out of a bar and kick its ass.

joeinverarity If you call girls “bitches,” I automatically assume you have a small, misshapen penis.

MakeMommyCoffee Nothing makes a girl feel more beautiful than when 1 of her eyelids swells to 2x it’s normal size. Enter villagers shouting “KILL THE BEAST”

luckyshirt There are going to be so many kids named Kirkland once Costco starts selling babies.

kitchenartist I wish this pie graph I’m working on was made of, or at least about, actual pie.

ordermeanother REMINDER: The beard is a gift, and gifts differ among men.

BenMcCool Morning TV makes me want to hurt people. Preferably the people responsible for morning TV.

InfiniteChicken What did you think about the end of ‘Inspection’? I think Bulba Fett lives. #confusedscifi

KeepingYouAwake Big news: Books-a-Million has a coffee shop in it, too! Also news: There are still bookstores! Take that, future!

slackmistress If I expect the unexpected then isn’t it expected and this is where I get eaten by clowns, I think.

LifeOfLiriope Why do sexy slut terms reference furry animals? Sex kitten, fuck bunny. I wanna be a skank snake. Hot or not? *hiss*

Mike_FTW No one at home is picking up so it’s safe to assume the dog ate them and I should start a new family. Also, they don’t want ice cream.

markleggett Almost choked to death at work on some broccoli. No way. I ain’t going out like that.

rrrobbed My phone told me I had a twitter message, but when I went to check it, there was nothing. DAMN YOU TWITTER, DON’T BE A TEASE, I’M SENSITIVE.

TwoAdults I am willing to bet that the Michelin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow guy are related.

VaginaDrum Getting donuts but BEFORE I DO, making sure not to shower or comb my hair or even resemble anything close to someone who can afford donuts.

shelbyfero I once put chocolate chips into a Hot Pocket so I can tell you a thing or two about dying alone.

peteec How about “Don’t wear white ever”, unless it’s all linen and you are also a Columbian cocaine king pin.

slackmistress This moisturizer promised to erase years of my life but I still remember 1991. 😦

hermbot BREAKING: Candy Corn is in season.

owlparliament All of this unemployment has really sharpened up my whistle’s vibrato.

TheDailyShow This is what you’re doing with your Labor Day? Sitting in your underwear checking Twitter? #writteninunderwear

nedroid Guess what, kids? When you’re an adult you can eat a birthday cake any day of the year. They don’t teach you that in school.

TheTweetOfGod Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Lick it. It lasts longer.

markleggett Scientists have yet to discover how to do their own hair in the mornings.

MassageByTed I’m Rubbin’ It!™ #OtherAwesomeMcDonaldsSlogans

kwmurphy Painting my new office. I’m color-blind, so I’ve chosen Fire Engine Green.

sarcasmically Mary Witucki, wherever you are, know that you’ll regret not taking this total stranger off your right-wing email list when I asked nicely.

ButternutSquash Just said to me “With an attitude like that, I’m never sucking his baby’s feet.” Lord, I do love a random conversation now and then.

miss_shortskirt My first massage ever in 90 minutes. I’M NERVOUS!!! What if I like it too much and cry because I can’t ever afford another?

MmeSurly I can only assume the PT Cruiser in front of me ran off the road just now because it became sentient and suddenly realized what it was.

TheNextMartha Wow. That mom picking up her kid must have forgot that those jean shorts she’s wearing show her labia.

InfiniteChicken In case you were curious, it is entirely possible to eat too much pineapple. Learn from my error.

benmarvin Pro Tip: Take your shirt off when you poop. Trust me.

BridgetCallahan I don’t know about you, but there are times when I really have to stop myself from posting Craigslist ads as performance art.

LastMomOnEarth Where can I get battery operated twinkle lights? If my girls are being wizards this year, they’re going to be spectacular wizards.

EvenMoreSarah Looking through Facebook & I see so much tattoo money that should have been spent on education or possibly dental work.

steenyweeny that sense of profound loss you’re all suddenly feeling is down to me forgetting my sunglasses at my desk.

kellyoxford It’s too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.

CorporateMonkey it’s nice to feel wanted and all, but I hope getting hit on in that truck stop won’t be the highlight of my day. #roadtrip

apodixis I wish the cat poop were made of chocolate. Because then I would be like, look, there’s chocolate on the floor!

jordanlebaron My 8 year old thought a “Big Mac” was a new Apple computer.

JPHaddadio I got tennis elbow from opening bite size Snickers. But nobody knows what I’m talking about when I call it Snickers elbow.

theleanover There. Now any accusations I can’t lip sync perfectly to “Gold Soundz” will be false. Time to get back to work!

ScrewyDecimal Is there a way to say “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to do your book report” without sounding like my mother?

ToBreatheAgain Learning from the littlest family member. If you do a good job, you clap for yourself because you are so awesome.

ecareyo Hope everyone takes the “Shh, it’s a surprise!” part of my wedding invitation very seriously!

elloyd74 Accidentally typed “The Kitchen God’s Wide” instead of “Wife” into the library catalog. I hope so. I wouldn’t trust a skinny Kitchen God.

ghweldon When you turn & see that there’s only one set of footprints in the sand, that’s when Jesus was walking in your tracks to confound pursuers.

funnyoneliners Women shouldn’t have children after forty. Because, really, forty children should be enough.

WendiAarons Guy just walked in wearing a “New Dad” tshirt. With his newborn, dark circles & dazed wife, I don’t think he really needs it.

LIFECOACHERS When you were a child you thought as a child; now you are grown and must put away childish things. At least when other adults are looking.

GuyEndoreKaiser I bet dying vultures have lots of awkward moments with their friends.

pnkrcklibrarian When with my mother, I just want to open a vein and pipe the vodka directly in.

EvenMoreSarah Ugh this radio ad where they argue about how to say “caramel.” IT IS NOT ACTUALLY UP FOR DEBATE THERE ARE THREE SYLLABLES.

morninggloria Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s highly contagious.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Subjecting You to Photos of My Cats

Yesterday Isobel and I were in the backyard playing her new favorite game: “beach.” It involves a large patch of sand and several buckets and plastic shovels. While we were digging, Jupey came over the fence with a fresh Barbie in his mouth. He ran to Isobel and dropped it at her feet.

“A dolly! Jupey brought me a dolly! Mommy, look!” she shrieked excitedly, picking it up.  “Thanks Jupey! I love you.”

It’s my Mom’s birthday today and she’s pretty much the a Cat Whisperer. Today, in her honor, I’m subjecting you to photos of my cats. Happy Birthday, Mom!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

wheelfreed Does farting count as tooting your own horn?

mindykaling Oh no. Every T-Pain song now seems like a parody to me.

apodixis I have tuna flavored laxative on my fingers, in case you were wondering.

sgnp I’m not losing horribly. I’m helping you have the best game ever!

louisvirtel This tweet may not seem like an awesome Madonna tribute, but I’m actually lip-syncing it and humping the floor.

twopretzels Craig taught Lila to say “dog balls.” Yup. Can’t really say much more than that. Dog balls.

CourtNeedsSleep I just don’t understand why we went with ‘Unicorn’ over ‘Unihorn’ that’s all

Greeblemonkey Season 2 Muppets is clearly the year Jim Henson started smoking weed. #muppetnight

danforthfrance I never found out if the girl in that movie got her grade changed. (It was porn.)

cbnickras Back in the old days, before health insurance, people just died young! We should just return to that magic golden age!

LouisPeitzman This guy’s OKCupid page says his ideal partner reads at least six hours a week. Does reading online dating profiles count?

stray @pcsweeney My unbridled hatred for Outlook is thicker than the richest pancake syrup.

freudiantypo Just once I’d like to get a prescription bottle with a warning label that says, “Take with plenty of beer.”

shariv67 Isn’t it cute how old people sign all of their online comments? Sincerely,
Shari

MakeMommyCoffee Clearly tired of me checking for new teeth Allie waited until I was vulnerable and plunged her whole hand into my mouth & laughed maniacally.

PlumeriaSprite Atypical cells are the enemy but atypical friends are really fun.

Hojimoto I shouldn’t have to ask for a *Chocolate* Frosty. In my day when you asked for a Frosty you got Chocolate and liked it!

massagebyted Yes, I do think you should fill the back of your truck with lettuce and old chairs before you take the craigslist “for sale” photo.

MagpieLibrarian Cat skirt, squirrel shirt, snoopy scarf, AliceWonderland necklace, RedRidingHood pin. I’m your fucking kid’s librarian. Let’s read some shit.

sarahmcdallen Such a lovely day. Kim & I discussed having a lie down on the grass, but she said, at our ages, people wld probably think we’d fallen down.

apelad How can it be 1:35 already? Oh right, time passing.

FuckItLibrarian This lady honked at me as I turned into the library. I told her to kiss my ass. No one honks at the librarian.

rstevens my kingdom for an easier to control kingdom with more serfs and better access to navigable bodies of water

MagpieLibrarian if you liked it, then you should have put all hold on it. #allthesinglelibrarians

InfiniteChicken …now if you’ll all just cover your eyes for a few seconds… #BadMagicTricks

thechrisleroux Ladies and gentlemen, I think we can all agree that this puppy is now dead… #BadMagicTricks

johnmoe Sawing a bagel in half #BadMagicTricks

sgnp The Miser’s Reach-Around #BadMagicTricks

InfiniteChicken Now moms, kids—you will notice I am not wearing any pants… #BadMagicTricks

jenstatsky “OMG sooo cute, did you see this YouTube video of Zooey Deschanel playing the piano?!” – Cats.

NotGaryBusey Crocs are just PT Cruisers for your feet.

badbanana Where Settlers Settled #NewNebraskaSlogan

badbanana America’s Vast, Pasty Midsection #NewNebraskaSlogan

badbanana That Smell is Iowa #NewNebraskaSlogan

fierceflawless My constant inner monologue while watching tv: “these people are assholes.”

PMuffintop Day 2 of Kindergarten and my child has already asked me what “shitballs” means. Hooray!

muffpunch You know it’s a good day when you’ve used the phrase “you’re more than welcome to fire me.”

slackmistress It doesn’t matter where I work, I’m always the one who has to explain what Furries are.

LPCookbook Someone in the hallway is kerfuffled because they do not know how to use the watercooler. JUST PRESS THE BUTTON THAT SAYS “WATER.”

slackmistress “You’re a good neighbor..like a State Farm rep I get to sleep with. ” – @BeTheBoy to me

giromide Take these broken wings. They’ve been sittin’ in the basement for, like, two years. Shake ’em first. Might be some damn earwigs in ’em.

EvenMoreSarah Dear God I just got a Google ad for flushable dog poop bags called Flush Puppies. Now I kind of want to disable my OWN account.

maggiesox I am beginning to resent every email in my inbox that doesn’t come from Pottermore. I just cursed out an email from my mom.

BridgetCallahan I resent almost all of you for almost everything – my acceptance speech.

jephkelley Flying next week and already know which section of SkyMall I’m flipping to first. The Pendant of Arwen Evenstar is as good as mine.

ClevelandPoet There’s a statue of a priest guy sticking his fists out in my gallery. Every time I pass by I have to urge to fist bump him. #GotMadRespect

thecheckoutgirl Just washed down my birth control pill with french fries, essentially doubling the effect.

chickenscottpie I’m suffering from Michele Bachmann overload. Can we all just agree she’s an embarrassment to humanity and then never talk about her again?

batsly I hate to brag, but I’m really fuckin’ good at it.

wheatnik Instead of writing books, I tweet, because I am horrible at stringing sentences together in a coherent manner. I love chocolate pudding.

jszyd How does a shepherd keep track of how many sheep he has without falling asleep?

heyrenees The state of everything makes one thing crystal clear: we picked the wrong time to cancel the space program.

EliBraden Actually ‘B’ isn’t a number. RT @KimKardashian: How many people u know can take it this far? B

mrpilkington Who wants to watch antiques roadshow?! I’ve got 137 hours saved on the DVR. You’ll probably never hear from me again.

rstevens I don’t need to get enough rest if I just keep raising my Sleep Debt Ceiling.

danforthfrance Told Grandma how to order the Internet and asked her to call me back to tell me how it went. Chain smoking like Apollo 13 Mission Control.

TheSuniverse I have a cut on the tip of my middle finger. Damn. That finger gets the most work.

revtrev Actual Sign: “In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.”

guiltysquid I’m letting my children vacuum. The mama bear in me is wanting to run and grab my precious in a protective fashion. Oh, my poor Dyson.

Ahm76 When couples introduce me to their infant, all I hear is “look what we built using only our private genitals!”

jszyd “Holy shit!” – Guy who walked into the stall immediately following Jesus.

Cre8BeautyDaily No, YOU just lied to your 3 yr old niece & told her that the sea salt caramel you just ate was special vitamins for pregnant ladies.

KeepingYouAwake That there is a soda called Squirt is just hilarious to me. Honestly, just try not to laugh with a mouthful of Squirt.

dantelfer I wish a museum would hire me to wander around and yell at everything.

luckyshirt After the Flood, God made a rainbow as a promise He would never kill us all again. But later He got all mad at us again and made celery.

Shedletsky A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

luckyshirt “This feels so amazing. You are so terrible at this. I am in heaven. I want to kill you. That’s perfect. You’re an idiot.” -a cat being pet

ecsuperhero Old man Shane received his first ever jury duty notice and just tried to throw it in the trash. Aw, my baby daddy wants to go to jail.

thejohnblog I don’t believe in cruelty to animals, so I lied and told my dog his butt looked great in the jeans I put on him.

guiltysquid Answer your phone in public with, “Where in the hell is my monkey??” and people act like you’re odd.

smileydooby So few racists ever take the time to get to know me. They’d still end up hating me but you know, later.

Filmdrunk Jesus Christ, iTunes, I just wanted to buy an album, but I’ll have my lawyer take a look at this agreement and get back to you.

zombiesitcom I don’t care how much your bridesmaid dress cost, you still look like Grover. #ThingsIShouldFacebook

Athenabee @exlibris I’m a Jupey groupie.

steenyweeny i don’t care what any of you say, growing out your bangs is the single most awkward stage of life.

trollprincess Dear rest of the world: If Bachmann gets nominated, please invade. We’ve clearly had an accident and are unable to care for ourselves.

TheNextMartha At a restaurant that advertises “Shrimp 5 ways.” All 5 ways are fried.

ispinyarn Damn autopilot led me around 3 sides of a large square. It is so fired.

pourmecoffee  To actually vote, Iowans go on stage and the John Deere Sorting Hat announces their choice.

TheRedQueen Well my genius appointment was 20 mins ago and I am still waiting. Genius a little faster guys.

amandaha I did the walk of shame back to my old hair stylist with June’s awful uneven cut. That’s what “walk of shame” means, right?

arcasmically @exlibris marinating chicken. LIKE A SAUCE.

morninggloria Every time I read about a drunk man in his 30’s falling into the river or something equally dumb, I wonder if it’s one of my ex boyfriends.

johnmoe Hey now! Your a monster! Put some pants on! Go play! Wait now! Here’s a lobster! Call your friend’s mom! No way! #SMASHEDMOUTH

apodixis I’m convinced that typing in all caps is a sign of some kind of learning disability.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – So Fashionable

Cat-butt Photobomb

Oh, nothing, just dressing up and looking fabulous so we can go outside and do some water painting and play with our dollar store chairs. Same thing we (happily) do every day.

We briefly allowed Zorro, our indoor-only 25-lb cat, to join us outside in the backyard provided I could supervise him. I didn’t think he could escape given the fact that some days he can’t even land a jump up on the kitchen counter. Zorro is a Maine Coon, a cat with short legs, a long body, and a girth that puts Cocker Spaniels to shame.  As a breed they are notoriously bad jumpers, so I thought he would stay safely ensconced in our backyard.

The next thing I know, he’s managed to jump-climb up the corner area of the fence and is in danger of going over when Isobel shouts, “OH NO!” I run over and grab him while only about 30% of him is still in our yard, and inch by inch, I fought to pull him back in our yard.

He is no longer allowed outside until I can block that corner off. The Large Orange Ninja is grounded.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

TheRedQueen Target shoppers: you are welcome for the screaming birth control earlier today.

apodixis I have just invented a word to describe how I am in bed. I am perversatile!

babybabylemon @thegrumbles You must not complain about the weather much. That is normally how I identify midwesterners.

echo_day When people say marriage is hard they really mean it’s hard not to smother your spouse in their sleep.

badbanana I could’ve had a V8. So, yeah, close call.

modinkpeeb Tonight some dude in the woods tipped his Oakleys at me. Are we married now?

wilw Me: I’m begging. Please escalate this. AT&T “support”: Ok. But first, have you herped the derp? Me: I’m going to stab you through the phone.

libmaryann A library isn’t just a collection of books, it’s a hub.

sassypiehole does this nutella on my chin make my ass look big?

juliussharpe I understand that pre-electricity the most popular wedding dance was the “Coal-Powered Slide”.

mrpilkington Other things that publishers can buy for me: a pet giraffe (smallish), a year’s supply of ketchup (any), beans sprouts (any)

badbanana I’m not lazy, but I’m not exactly willing to look up the word that means the opposite of that, either.

DoubleBerg426 Got a talkative friend named Ted? Be like, “Ted, you never shut up! You’re giving me a tedache!”

TheBloggess That “first pets name + street you grew up on” doesn’t work for me. No one wants to have sex with “Whiskers Route 4 Box 980.”

helenstwin Teen boy wandering around in PacMan PJ pants and a pink polo: rock on, my friend. I applaud your alliterative assemblage.

shinyinfo Manual Labor is for the birds. I can’t wait to get back to the lie-barry tomorrow & answer emails and catalog until my eyes fall out.

LouisPeitzman Got a few hours to kill? Try to accomplish a simple task at the bank.

PFTompkins “EVERY week is shark week.” – An exasperated seal

Ali_Davis Congress is leaving the Capitol for five weeks after the debt ceiling vote. That’s enough time to get the locks changed, right?

JoeKeohane Overheard at the office: “… also, the cordless chainsaw people are after me again.”

slackmistress I need a Kickstarter campaign to get me off of this couch.

TheNextMartha @guiltysquid I’m never waxing my face again. I’m married. Who cares who looks like the male at this point.

sgnp Sugar will be poured on you, but in the name of indifference, not love. #DefCeilingCompromise

EmperorNorton The Teaparty doesn’t believe in trickle-down as much as it believes in fuck-up.

adiopink Repost – trying out Words with Friends as adiopink, knowing I’ll get hooked. Typed Wirds with Friebds – at that rate, y’all will clobber me.

eliza_evans Search term on my blog: ‘where does eliza evans.’ Where do I what? It is a mystery.

InfiniteChicken Remind me why I’m doing this. By ‘this’ I mean this murder/arson spree.

StephenAtHome It’s President Obama’s birthday this week! Unless the Republicans made him give that up too.

zachbraff I wish I could somehow get the sharks from shark week to swim over to “The Bachelorette”.

stevetweeters My wife can just look at her wine glass and I’ll go fill it up which is REALLY close to being telekinetic.

ohrebecca I can’t get behind Edible Arrangements. a) they use Papyrus and b) I can buy fruit at the grocery store. But mostly because of the former.

stevetweeters The best thing about tacos is they’re like eating loud hamburgers.

b0bg00dman Just realized while hearing a story about Robert Louis Stevenson: The ye olde timey version of the “delete” key was the fireplace.

pistolval Apparently the trick to getting my family to eat the squash I grew is to saute it in bacon fat.

palinode Captain Kirk once asked: What does God want with a spaceship? Duh, the bus system sucks.

EvenMoreSarah @exlibris “Jupiter: FIND ME A COMPUTER.”

readingsarah Though for the record, I don’t wear heels MAINLY because of 1) comfort and 2)not wanting to fall down.

HeathRobots Let’s all chip in & get MTV an itunes gift card as a 30th birthday gift. #MusicTelevision

Toaster_Pastry There is no greater suffering than trying to stay awake in a meeting that you’d rather sleep through.

LIFECOACHERS It’s time to forgive yourself; everyone had bad hair in the 90’s.

phyllisstein Still thinking about that damned Trenta cup. I mean, could shitting out your still-beating heart hurt THAT much?

wordlust I can’t believe the Smurfs movie just glossed over the underpants-gnome genocide of 1978.

girlwithatail Considering my egg preferences, I’m still going with the brain on drugs every time.

rolldiggity If I owned a fast food restaurant, I’d label the drink sizes “Large”, “Medium”, and “Poisoned”, because it’s important to UPSELL!

juliasegal Writing a book called “How To Live With A Giant Penis” for guys to read in public places.

RichJuz I just learned that Jelly Belly once had a jelly bean flavor called “Baby Wipes.” My mind is blown.

Jordan_Morris “Love is patient, love is kind, love is…CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!” – The Spooky Bible

Krud Google has killed the rhetorical question.

shawnpearlman Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

lauracope i love it when New Week’s Day and New Month’s Day fall on the same day. let’s all go get gym memberships.

JerryThomas Whoa. I kind of feel like I’ve had deja vu before.

shinyinfo “A Hoe Lot of Trouble”, cozy mystery or title of a Ludacris song?

theleanover I would pay upwards $100 for a time machine. Talking like, $150. Max.

Joan_Rivers Just heard that Rob Kardashian has signed on for the next season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Is he one of the dancers or one of the stars?

Caissie 12YO to 9YO: I know YOU think you’re funny, but lots of it is just nonsense. 9YO: I wish I had a nipple for every time someone told me that!

toomanybeards Up until today, I thought puffins were just two bit imitation penguins, now I see how much they have to offer.

TheNextMartha I had oatmeal for breakfast. Somewhere a donut just died.

eshep Any chance we can get a ‘Cowboys & Smurfs & Aliens’? #idseethat

TheBlackStar @TheRedQueen @exlibris honestly, if two armchairs fit in a yaris trunk, they probably aren’t worth owning.

muffpunch I’m sitting here and watching my cat furiously lick the couch. I don’t know what he’s on, but I think I want some of it.

thejohnblog Maybe the porn version, ‘Cowgirls And Asians’ will be better.

apodixis The good news is the cats really love the laxative we have to give them. The bad news is they’re going to rip it open and shit everywhere.

joeinverarity Dude, that horsefly has a total muffin thorax.

lemoneyes I’ve decided my debt crisis plan is going to include a couple of gallons of ice cream.

freudiantypo Cold soup with dill: incredible. I might just go out to the garden on all fours and start eating it off the stem.

AbbyOTR Sorry, he’s 2. #blanketapology

jillgengler Fittingly, the 3 year old is strutting around the house singing “Nothing’s gonna change my world.”

ApocalypseHow BREAKING: “I’m Just a Bill” Bill Asked to Explain Debt Negotiations in Song, Takes Own Life

trollprincess I’d like to join an actual tea party. Three five-yr-old girls pouring invisible tea for teddy bears have to be more mature.

azbado I really hope they don’t try any stupid gimmicks for Shark Week. Like, having a shark on a motorcycle, jumping over Fonzie, for instance.

SteveMartinToGo Apple has more cash than US government and has decided to implement a state and federal income iTax.

GeorgeTakei SAGITTARIUS: Stop trying to staple so many papers together. It won’t work even if you hit the stapler harder.

pistolval @exlibris Jupiter needs his own sitcom. Shaman Cat costarring Judith Light

theneener I hope print media never dies. How else will I securely pack my fine china?

theleanover My favourite awkward moment is being alive.

AKRyder While listening to the Yo Gabba Gabba “Banna” song, my son grabbed his crotch with both hands and yelled “BANANA!!!!” That’s my boy. *sniff*

SeanKCoyne Wish I had a gun that could shoot the people on TV without ruining my TV.

th3jm4n I am a man, and men have needs. One of those needs is tater tots. #IAmAMan

chickenscottpie I accidentally bought the kind of string cheese without the trivia on it. This is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.

MightyHunter I picked up my cat this morning, and she started grooming my beard. Sign of affection, or comment on my cleanliness?

KeepingYouAwake For the record, people of the future who read Twitter as history, I felt like these computers were too slow too.

BtotheD Man, I wish it was 1997 right now. I have a great “Jesus is my PalmPilot” tweet that will never get realized.

scenesfromahat Whenever someone tries to tell you that “fugly” isn’t a word, look them square in the eyes and say, “It’s a portmanteau, you fugly bastard.”

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Text Messages

Enjoy some semi-anonymous text messages between myself and a few friends, and when you’re done, check out the Etsy Team Librarian Sale in honor of Maker Faire. Participating stores are offering 15% off using coupon code MAKERFAIRE.

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

jillgengler Per @sunahmarie I will now try to sign off on most emails with “Like a boss.”

Handflapper IT’S TOTALLY THERE! IT’S THE FIRST TOPIC! I HAVE @klout IN #DIARRHEA!!!

KeepingYouAwake I’m eating Taco Bell in my import compact, and washing it down with energy drink. Fuck you, age!

lilpyrogirl Just looked up the hotel my client booked …the photo gallery shows a picture of the shower curtain and a close up of a chiar. I am scared.

wawoodworth @exlibris That’s what she said. I think. I dunno, she says a lot. I tend to tune most of it out, so maybe it’s “that’s what I think she said”

Sigafoos If we get to ban people and things that annoy us then hold on, I’ll get my list.

badbanana “These fake amps go to eleven.” #SelfReferentialMovieQuotes

badbanana “Tell the prop master we’re gonna need a bigger boat.” #SelfReferentialMovieQuotes

johnmoe These aren’t the droids from Star Wars you’re looking for in this scene in Star Wars. #SelfReferentialMovieQuotes

johnmoeYou had me at hello in an earlier scene from Jerry Maguire, the movie we’re acting in. #SelfReferentialMovieQuotes

johnmoe I feel the need! The need to be acting in Top Gun! #SelfReferentialMovieQuotes

shilonikelle MY FAVORITE WAY TO TRAVEL IS FLYING BY THE SEAT OF MY PANTS

FreshAndMoldy When we all left Myspace in 2006, we left it full of teenagers. In 2011, we are all leaving Facebook full of our parents.

michaeljnelson If you haven’t seen Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” in a while you owe it to yourself to destroy all video screens in your house so you can’t.

Momfia I just assume anyone wearing socks with sandals is a serial killer

emirkr I’m worried scientists won’t discover new species of big cats in time for Mac OS next release.

steenyweeny oh my fuck i just saw a ghostbusters car and my camera phone isn’t working and i just failed internet.

MrWordsWorth I’m pretty certain ‘America defaults’ is how the zombie uprising begins.

laurahartgerink just got an email from a friend. 7 out of the 8 sentences ended with exclamation points. i! found! this! to! be! excessive!

johnmoe There were many GREAT TV shows in the 50s but my faves are My Mother Is A Plate, We Don’t Know We’re Repressed, and Murderous Horse Friend.

adamisacson I love this totally made-up “heat index” thing. Me? I’m 6-foot-1, but I _feel like_ 10 feet. Whoops! Bumped my head.

negativsteve I considered instituting a Swear Jar at work, but the prices for these shitty jars are fucking ridiculous.

theleanover The next person who tries to make small talk with me is going to hear about when my mom’s dog ate a jar of pickles.

shariv67 Tomorrow the Os in Google logo will be a pair of sweaty balls.

smileydooby Jesus has terrible taste in music #ThingsILearnedFromListeningToChristianMusicForOneMinuteTotallyByAccident

wawoodworth Done with work. If anyone needs me, i’ll be in the tub, hugging a giant ice cube.

thejohnblog According to HR, getting caught wearing nothing but an ill fitting shirt with my head stuck in a honey pot is cute for just one person.

jerryrenek Should be a quiet weekend on my block. Neighbors stopped having garage sales since I popped by to inquire about buying used underwear.

mrdavehill It’s so hot out today, I almost want to just stand here in front of the fire hydrant and not even bother doing my sexy dances anymore.

FlyteAphrodite I think I just got invited on a date by someone who simply sent a link of movie show times rather than speaking words to me. I feel special.

steenyweeny jumping up and down in rain boots and shouting joy division songs until i send myself home. i give this ten minutes or less.

glenyrd Coldplay came on Pandora. A flock of vaginas flew through my window and nestled on my desk. I fed them some cheese and they flew away.

modinkpeeb I am not allowed to nap even though I would fit perfectly under my desk in the fetal position so I guess I am not meant to be happy.

inversejaik A nonprofit dog daycare center called Virginia Woof!? #OhOregon!

MakeMommyCoffee When my husband told me he really envied Hugh Hefner I was irritated, until he told me it was b/c he gets to wear pajamas all day.

summersumz The Tea Party makes me miss Karl Rove. I might have Stockholm Syndrome.

SaraJOY I will never understand it but thank you Jesus for Yo Gabba Gabba.

TheBlessMess Listening to Blue Monday by New Order, always reminds me of the years I lived in France as a gay man.

telephase I’m having separation anxiety from my bed.

willgoldstein I’m seriously considering going to a ukulele jam at our local library tonight. That says a lot about where I am in life right now.

aspaul I think inserting bros into classic literature will be the next big trend. For example, Pride and Prejudice and Bros.

smileydooby Vision of the inventor of the vibrator: If you build it, they will come.

shekbaker Call my Congresspeople? What am I supposed to tell them? “Please attack the Tea Party Caucus with bats”? “Please, please hit their faces”?

Brain_Wash Before you vilify Glenn Beck for comparing dead, innocent children to the Hitler Youth, remember that he’s clearly an expert on the subject.

MagpieLibrarian Mamas, don’t name your babies “Amber.” I’ve done some research. I’ve been watching Intervention.

UncleDynamite As the person who used the bathroom right after you I feel I have to ask: Have you been eating a lot of peanut butter & caraway seeds?

DaisyJDog Man, these Real Housecats of NY are crazy.

MartinOrozcoJr As Speaker of the House, John Boehner is not even half the man Nancy Pelosi was.

chickenscottpie I kind of wish someone would beat Glenn Beck within an inch of his life, wait for him to recover, and then do it again.

sbellelauren feel so bad for the 7 followers i just lost due to my love for Mexicans & Jews b/c they have to wear that dumb white sheet over their heads.

TheBosha I had a debt crisis before the whole country even heard of them.

ourmecoffee Not really clear what to do after those speeches, but you should probably continue to develop a taste for cat food.

Johngcole What a multicultural country. Black President, Orange Speaker of the House.

DaveHolmes Has either Obama or Boehner considered a Kickstarter? I’m in for $50.

theleanover I have my headphones up so loud that the vibrations are making me dizzy. That’s the best way to listen to Lawrence Welk.

LOLGOP Mr. Boehner, when your approval rating is 28% & you begin each sentence with “The American people want…” we’re gonna need air quotes.

OHmommy Lady sitting next to me waiting at USbank: “I guess we can’t complain about the service since we haven’t had any.” Word.

Bashful_Muse Vacuumed up a live spider yesterday and a dead fly today. That spider better be dead. I don’t like the idea that I’m providing room service.

sarcasmically Changing all my ringtones to Super Mario World sounds, in case you were wondering what cool people do on Friday nights.

lcspt satan called. he said the weather is nicer in hell, if you want to visit.

ScrewyDecimal Google just helped me do basic math. It’s come to this.

MissLiberty Trying to find breakfast place with sign that says, “If you were born on this day, you can bring a sword inside.”

joeinverarity You know what’s wrong with this world? The people.

Sigafoos I made a playlist in Spotify that I’m pretty sure everybody will hate at least part of!

stevelibrarian The motto of library schools: “A large number of librarians are likely to retire in the coming decade… no, really, we mean it this time.”

StephenAtHome I can’t wait to watch Shark-Boob Week. We’re going to need a bigger bra!

jszyd These kids are driving me to drink! Which is cool because then I got a ride home when I’m all shitfaced.

HalfPintIngalls SO STOP DARN HOT OUT STOP STOP TELEGRAPH STOP WIRES AR E MELT MELTING STOP ALSO CATTLE EXPLODING EXCLAMATION POINT STOP STOP STOP

vhsTapes2 I jot down notes so I don’t forget tweets. Coworker found one. It said “An old lady fell. A medley of stenches.” I did not try to explain.

KeepingYouAwake Getting a Pop Rock lodged in your sinuses is easily comparable to performing a nasal-birth. Prove me wrong.

shinyinfo An impressionable youth from Library School is coming to talk to me tomorrow about the secrets to my success. Spoiler Alert, it’s Mt. Dew.

UncleDynamite I’ll bet when you invited me to your house you never dreamed you’d end up with cherry pie filling in your toilet’s reservoir tank.

Pogue TONIGHT’S MEDITATION:: If a hipster falls in the woods & nobody’s around, does he make a sound? Yes, but you’ve probably never heard of it.

Disalmanac Oakland: Ah, Oakland. Home of the mighty oaks! A mighty sylvan glen on the Pacific. Also, you can score crack there. Ask for Fat Mike.

bazecraze Even the gladiators of yore looked stupid in gladiator sandals.

poppafunk “I came, I saw, I conquered”? No…I awoke, I pooped, I went back to bed.

thejohnblog “That breakfast burrito is a Horcrux and the only way to destroy it is with my mouth!” I’m riding this Potter mania for as long as I can.

paulglester No matter how different our political views may be, I think we can all agree The Smurfs Movie will be horrible.

sbellelauren it’s too bad frogs can’t talk they could make that “me so horny” joke all the time i bet

peterbyrnes Can’t I just be appreciated for who I am? A binge-drinking sexual sadist who compulsively sets fires?

shariv67 Banner ads that unexpectedly yell at me owe me a new office chair.

toasterlicious Additional note to self: phone autocorrects “NOOOOOO” to “VOOOODOOOO,” which raises more questions than it answers.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – My Pixie

Isobel has gone thorough many nicknames in her life (many of them invoking images of baked goods), but recently I’ve most often referred to her as “Pixie.” My recent favorite iPhone photos adorn today’s post.

I suppose I should come clean about my Big Secret. You are so going to roll your eyes and smack your head and think uncharitable things about me when you find out what all the fuss was about. I tried to prepare you, I mean, look at that hashtag! I have been solo parenting all week while my husband was away on business. Ta… da? Anyway, I wanted to vent about the difficulties of doing this by myself and mope that I missed him, but the last time he went away on business I not only called a complete stranger to wish them Happy Birthday at 6:30 in the morning, I also received several very worried emails and DMs about posting this kind of thing on the internet. Point taken, friends! I’m sharing this with you now because by the time you’re reading this he will be home and we will be engaging in massive amounts of PDA.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

badbanana People of Earth, an announcement. I just purchased a humongous megaphone.

MightyQuinn72 My phone says it’s “97” which must be it’s age in phone years cause I got it a year ago it’s already acting like a senile old man.

Sondeera If someone hasn’t coined the term “horrorscope” and started a gothic-bent horoscope site, America is officially pointless.

slackmistress For all of you not living in the moment, please take a second out of your day to tell me what time travel is like.

shariv67 When you’re a teen, you’re all, “You don’t own me!” Then you grow up, and the bank is all, “Oh yes, we do.”

KeepingYouAwake When typing “threesome?” into a chat window, regardless of context, exercise caution to be sure it’s the right window

bebehblog I have been trying to practice my conversation skills, but it turns out “So what is your blog about?” doesn’t work on normal people.

MeganBoley I didn’t think it was possible to make pulled pork seem unappetizing to me. But Subway has somehow managed to do it.

WiGovPR I once felt bad that I had no shoes until I met a man who had a Republican governor.

steenyweeny rip steenyweeny. died trapped on her floor and was eaten by a cat who could update tweetdeck to tell you all.

sarcasmically Love is not eating the last canoli. Then again, intelligence is not leaving the last canoli unattended, SUCKA.

DRUNKHULK ARE YOU HAPPY TEA PARTY!? THEY CLOSE BORDERS!

LPCookbook I sure could use some icebox cake. For dinner.

TheRedQueen @exlibris honey badger is your new porn name BTW.

Gen_with_a_G Humidity is so high, every time we go out the 2 year old asks confusedly “Is it raining?” And then my hair frizzes out like a clown wig.

louisvirtel My friend tells me that Khloe is “the coolest Kardashian sister.” That’s like being the funniest Menendez brother.

macleanbrendan When Twitter is down I go to the nearest cave and yell banal observations just to hear the echo: It’s Mother Nature’s retweet.

swedishpancake my house is no longer balls hot. now it’s just balls kinda warm.

shiraselko Rupert Murdoch will probably just go back to his former job – the old, bad guy at the end of Scooby-Doo episodes.

CcSteff My baby is the cutest, whiniest Roomba ever.

LouisPeitzman The new Rebecca Black single displays the same lack of self-awareness with none of the catchy riffs. We, we, we not excited. We not excited.

msbellows “Dead Whistleblowers” would be a good name for a band.

MightyQuinn72 I’m going to go kick my immune system in the balls now.
I mean workout in the hotel gym.

theleanover Radiation Is The River Of The World #ATomicWaits

InfiniteChickenAll Stripped Down For Decontamination #ATomicWaits

theleanover I Don’t Want To Grow Flippers #ATomicWaits

InfiniteChicken Acid Rain Dogs #ATomicWaits

modinkpeeb “Come On Up to The House (We Have Lead Curtains)” #ATomicWaits

EvenMoreSarah I haven’t had a Diet Coke today. As a reward please buy me a Diet Coke.

tristina_wright No, YOU got into the pear cider for lunch.

KeepingYouAwake It’s 10:30 and still nearly 90F on the thermometer in the kitchen, with striking humidity. I’m in hell, but how’d I die?

clasticdetritus If I were Obama I’d propose adding Reagan to Mt. Rushmore just to see the mangled argument Republicans come up with to oppose it.

MrWordsWorth When I am on hold on the phone, I see how much of Stairway to Heaven I can sing before I am finally put through.

theneener The last piece of leftover pizza I ate today made me feel weird inside.

sucittaM Dad always said “Time to hit the sack!” before bed. Not sure how getting punched in the testicles helped him sleep, but that was just dad.

theleanover I AM SHOUTING BECAUSE OF THE HEAT WHAT IS WRONG THIS IS CANADA OUR WEATHER IS NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE US SWEASTICLES

theleanover SO SWEATY IT’S LIKE GOD IS MOCKING THE ISRAELITES WITH MY ABUNDANCE OF MOISTURE WAIT WHY DOES MY PHONE KNOW HOW TO SPELL ISRAELITES

ProfessorSnack Sent an e-mail to a friend who still uses a Juno address. I made static and screeching noises with my mouth during the sending process.

hellnope Gettin’ two birds stoned at once.

antigone_spit Pardon me, I have to go eat a burrito. #UsingTwitterToItsFullPotential

giraffrocentric Don’t post shirtless photos of your new boyfriend if you don’t want me to comment about his great tits and then Like my own comment.

Caissie Oh, you’re hung like a horse? That’s so cool! I have a gaping horse vagina! #WhatIWishISaid

Brain_Wash An NPR t-shirt at a farmer’s market is like a tramp stamp at a strip club.

loganfountain “hey there’s that weird lady” – neighbor-kid wearing only underwear sitting in a rain puddle

TwoAdults Husband commented on the size of my ice cream bowl. I gave him gestures a trucker would be proud of.

KeepingYouAwake Sometimes, when I’m at a loss for words, I just make explosion sounds.

killorn In Dying Alone news, I’m currently baking a birthday cake for a dog.

thejohnblog Ugh. My dog has so many fleas, his belly looks the ‘Marauder’s Map.’

markleggett My cat doesn’t like it when I “boop” her nose with my finger, but I’m not doing it for her benefit.

GeorgeTakei We can grow an artificial trachea with nanotechnology and stem cells, but we can’t make an escalator that isn’t broken half the time.

ApocalypseHow Wait, remind me again: Which one is Carmageddon, and which one is Jeep Impact?

TheNextMartha My kids are screaming at each other in the basement. I should close the door.

badbanana If you’re a British actor & you weren’t in at least 1 Harry Potter film, it’s time for a little self-evaluation.

littlest_liu Having a puppy or small children in your home may make you ask questions like, “Why is there a ketchup bottle in my underwear?”

BtotheD “Transformers 3” was a turd excreted by another turd, in a car with the windows rolled up in the middle of the summer.

FriedWords It would help if they taught English majors how to center the cheese on a McDonald’s cheeseburger.

ProfessorSnack I don’t multi-task all that well. I think being disappointing on 3 social media platforms is about my limit.

ecsuperhero Driving under the speed limit because I have precious cargo: three dozen cupcakes. Oh, and my kids.

TheBlackStar The Yo Gabba Gabba Share episode only reaffirms my theory that all of the trees are major pot heads.

TravonFree General MotorsHead #carmageddonbands

TravonFree Black Saabath #carmageddonbands

theleanover Public Transit Enemy #carmaggedonBands

pppapaya Iron and Winnebago #carmaggedonBands

theleanover Duran Durango #carmaggedonBands

theleanover They Might Be Jettas #carmaggedonBands

theleanover A Tribe Called Nissan Quest #carmaggedonBands

theleanover The Highwaymen #carmaggedonBands

theleanover The Black Kias #carmaggedonBands

theleanover Run GMC #carmaggedonBands

LaurenGberg Ford Non Blondes #carmaggedonBands

LaurenGberg Pavement #carmaggedonBands

theneener We’re watching a YouTube video about “Mexican Pointy Boots.” This is my Friday night.

slackmistress You’d think I’d be much thinner with the amount of food I drop in my cleavage.

thegrumbles there’s a sister act 2 bot. apparently.

emirkr I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

letsdiefriends Just successfully applied mascara with a 1-year old in my lap. #livingontheedge

ohrebecca Told Frankie that maybe I’d paint his nails for him. He gave me a baleful, but not entirely intolerant, look. Good dog.

jack_p Harry Potter is about doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend. -Stephen King

jenstatsky Just heard the bad news: J. Lo and Marc Anthony are both famous people.

keli_h @exlibris I do not care about number of followers I just want to make THE FAVORITES POST.

supDawgiHerd You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

HarrisDanow Weird day. I discover @JudyBlume‘s on Twitter, and then ten minutes later FINALLY get my first period.

LLA_Princess Drunk. Eating kettle corn. Watching Harry Potter. Living the dream.

IamMsMoneypenny I still believe in chivalry, like the man paying for the flowers and the dinner, and then, like, paying for other stuff, too.

chickenscottpie The spontaneous cheers coming from sports tournament near my house makes me feel like I’m doing a really good job editing this story.

HipsterMermaid I’m going to write such an angry letter to Netflix about their prices – as soon as I finish everything in my queue.

mrfaulty Y’all realize that the internet runs on people stupid enough to click on banner ads?

NASeason I need an “It Gets Better” campaign for newbornhood.

Superfluously I’ll sleep when my phone’s dead.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Terrarium Giveaway

In honor of yesterday’s Vintage Terrarium Book Giveaway post, today’s Follow Friday theme is terrariums. There’s still plenty of time to enter to win a vintage copy of a how-to terrarium book, and it’s open world-wide, not just to residents of the US.

Isobel and I officially finished this round of swimming lessons this week, and I’m a bit relieved. It was a Mommy & Me class and I swear I came home more exhausted than she did every day! She got a report card and a popsicle for completing the course and we are officially cleared to move into the Preschool Class next year.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

rolldiggity “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” was the inspiration behind my “RABIES!” t-shirt.

markleggett All of the people who bravely fought for their right to party many years ago now enjoy going to bed on a Saturday night before 9pm.

ApocalypseHow My smartphone is one restaurant-finding app away from being Gollum’s “precious.”

Toaster_Pastry Surprisingly the sun rose another day, my life remains fulfilled as I have never watched the ESPYs.

simontarr I’m never buying another gift again. All gifts will be scored from the claw machine. Merry Christmas.

MeganBoley Long day, long day, what do you see? I see zombie looking at me.

TheSuniverse Google+ confuses me. I’m just making one giant circle of friends. So suck on that.

MattGourley There isn’t an afternoon nap alive that I can’t wake up melancholy from!

wawoodworth Great, now I’ll probably be known as the “bacon mug guy”.

apelad “Life is what happens between explosions.” -Michael Bay

_Monocle_ Hail is a forcing function for evolution: hard skulls, carapace, condominiums.

TwoAdults How would the animal kingdom survive without Diego?

modinkpeeb I just ate my pepperoni pizza dipped in ranch like a TRUE FUCKING AMERICAN.

FinneganWilde Pants: you are now at my mercy. I shall wear you when it pleases me.

vhsTapes2 At get-togethers at my place we take prescription drugs with a spoonful of sugar to get the party Poppins!

iasshole I need some kind of timed bed spatula system.

EvenMoreSarah Left the grocery list on the counter. Noticed this morning my boyfriend added “farts.” Lucky for him we already have those in the house!

TheBosha So fuck it. Next time a collection agency calls I’m just telling them I’ve raised my debt ceiling.

theRratedBull Fell asleep with my phone on my chest. I woke up and it was under the couch. Time to go all “Paranormal Activity” up in this motherfucker.

freudiantypo Asshole who put the “don’t text & drive” lighted sign in the curve of the 190: thanks! Now we will wreck and die trying to read your sign.

apelad Now the other kids are outside playing that game where you put a ball in a sock and throw it around. I think they learned it in prison.

LaurenAntolino If my last name was Smith I would say “no relation” every time I introduced myself to someone.

PolyesterPony The best experience in the world has got to be boning someone while playing Portal 2.

MakeMommyCoffee I bet the Germans have a word for when your husband comes home with a new phone & wants to show you a hands-on demonstration of every feature

Athenabee Louis bought me a steam sanitizer for my birthday. The man knows me.

mattsai If you give a mouse a cookie, you have a rodent problem.

steenyweeny i just showed my coworkers how to use twitter to find out what’s on fire down the street and i’m pretty sure they think i’m a sorcerer now.

librarianearp Know why Cedric Diggory died? He was a flippin Hufflepuff.

lunchyprices Corn isn’t the only thing that’s knee high by the 4th of July, the dog crap in my backyard is too.

iscoff I’m studying veterinary medicine with a specialization in animal podiatry. THAT’S why my browser history has a search for “camel toes.”

LouisPeitzman Your horoscope won’t come true unless you share it with all of your social networks.

lunchyprices It’s important to me that my son is a good speller because when I need him to tweet while I’m driving or showering I don’t want any typos.

BridgetCallahan There is a direct relationship between a social networking site’s failure and the frequency of hookups you get in its chat rooms.

LPCookbook Sometimes a girl just likes to feel special! Even when it is a headhunter calling! #bringmeflowers

HarryPotterish “When I’m 80 years old, I’ll be reading Harry Potter. My family will say, ‘After all this time?’ and I will say ‘Always.’” – Alan Rickman.

EvenMoreSarah My mom is monitoring Cleveland weather online & texting me to tell me about it. I need someone to break the internet, NOW.

letsdiefriends I forgot to bring my lunch to work, and nothing sounds good to pick up. Deal with that lame-ass tweet, Twitter.

TurtleParade Tora! Tora! Tora! in my pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

chickenscottpie Black Hawk Down in My Pants #improvemovietitlesbyaddinginmypants

chickenscottpie How Stella Got Her Groove Back in My Pants #improvemovietitlesbyaddinginmypants

lauracope There Will Be Blood in My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants #earlyoversharewednesday

CalcNinja The village in my pants

#improvemovietitlesbyaddinginmypants

CalcNinja Hobo with a shotgun in my pants

#improvemovietitlesbyaddinginmypants

i_cherish_u Failure to launch in my pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

theleanover Cool Hand Luke In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

LaOrganista Mr. and Mrs. Smith In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

unrealsnow The Brave Little Toaster In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

PolyesterPony Boys Don’t Cry In My Pants #improvemovietitlesbyaddinginmypants

librarianearp Something Wicked This Way Comes In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

ohnoCAPSLOCK A Guy Thing In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

TheRedQueen The Passion of the Christ In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

unrealsnow Naked Lunch In My Pants

#improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

Cre8BeautyDaily While You Were Sleeping In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

sgnp Everything Is Illuminated in My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

heliumcell The Unbearable Lightness of Being in my Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

letsdiefriends Me: “Do you have poopers?” Zoey: “Shoo-wee!” & starts crawling to her room so I can change her.

lilpyrogirl Grandma just revealed that the secret to her spaghetti sauce is a can of manwich sloppy joe mix. #SkeletonsInTheCloset

WordShore American TV is odd. The CBS sports update is “sponsored by viagra”. Okay.

Squirreljustice Can’t I just text M for Murder?

Jim_Hamilton I just bought only PBR and condoms while wearing flip-flops. There should be no doubt about how we do it.

thelindywest I brought a garden hose to an Axe Body Spray fight. #everybodywins

apodixis Sure, no pun was intended. But one could easily have been avoided.

apodixis I am afraid I am not sufficiently legit to quit.

Caissie How good must it feel to be a fetus finally getting out of Victoria Beckham?

theleanover Declined to go to a concert today on the grounds that “Jesus has different plans for my Sunday.” Like illegally downloading Star Trek: TNG.

lauracope testing out the echo in Joe’s furniture-less house by screaming POOP at the top of my lungs. try it sometime. #stressrelief

SpaghettiJesus Crystal skulls on syfy channel. I just want to put everyone who worked on this show in a room, turn out the lights & run through it swinging.

slackmistress Saturday night on the couch watching Criminal Minds, eating cheddar potato PopChips & wiping the crumbs on my sweatpants. Like a pimp.

jillbarber Successfully “crashed” a Balderdash party. Baldercrash: Showing up uninvited to play boardgames w/ thirty-something friends on a Sat night.

laneymg I prefer guys that like a little junk in the trunk because my car is always messy.

badbanana My new social network is an empty pickle jar that you can scream anything you want into. Nearby people can comment.

TheRedQueen I had an hour home alone today. I used it to crap in peace and then shower and shave my legs. #timewellspent

letsdiefriends When I don’t really tweet much all day, then am suddenly very chatty, you can safely assume I’m pooping.

ecsuperhero I gave Shane my phone to take pictures of the boys. I’m now deleting ten pictures of my butt.

dwmulvin Everyone’s Boyfriend White #InitialsExplained

inversejaik Learning how to make jelly. My brother: ‘Going for a JAM session?’ Me: ‘I will kill you.’

ProfessorSnack *Secretly replaces tang with Folgers Crystals while everyone watches the shuttle launch*

BSeanRoss I imagine that being married to Calista Flockhart was all the preparation Harrison Ford needed for his upcoming role in “Cowboys & Aliens.”

mattsai The hottest rack a girl has is her bookshelf.

shariv67 The last item on my bucket list is dying. How convenient.

britain I just ate a medium pizza. Dare me to drive?

Sigafoos @shinyinfo Listen, heterosexial white males aged 20-35 aren’t discriminated against! And isn’t that the biggest discrimination of all?

massagebyted Congratulations to our office manager for acquiring toilet paper that is actually less than single-ply!

steenyweeny i was up at 5:30 today, so it’s taking special effort to make sure i’m late for work this time.

KeepingYouAwake Sunglasses outside: It’s bright. Sunglasses indoors: You look like a douche. Sunglasses at night: Winning hard.

mattsai I wish life would just hand me lemonade. That would be way easier.

sgnp I don’t want to be a naysayer, but I don’t think I’m going to use Google+ until it actually lets me sign in..

slackmistress My job is getting in the way of keeping up with Twitter feuds.

shinyinfo I am a little concerned how Zefram Cochrane is going to invent the warp drive without the Space Program, you guys.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday – Have Some iPhone Photos!

So much has happened in just the three short weeks since I retired from the library to work at home with my toddler. Next week I’ll post about my experience of staying at home and the ways in which it’s much different than I thought it’d be. We start swimming lessons soon and I’ve been working out on the elliptical almost daily. As a family we’ve been pouring time and energy into the backyard and my husband friend Jacob have taken it upon themselves to build the pergola that I’ve always wanted. I’ve been so busy with my photography that I haven’t been able to add to my Etsy shop yet, but I hope to soon. And speaking of Etsy, my Aunt (the one who made Isobel this DIY Kitchen set) has opened an Etsy shop of her own! She’s constantly creating and making amazing things using all sorts of mediums. She’s adding more stuff to her shop every day, so visit often. Today’s Follow Friday features photos of things we’ve been up to. Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

nanoblossom Just found out “obsequious” does not mean covered in sequins. This stupid world.

michelevgreen The deity of naps has shined his mighty face upon our household!!!! I will personally take any UPS man to the ground that tries to come here

JerryThomas In Hell you will be tormented by every semicolon you have abused. I will see to it. I promise you.

theleanover Everything’s a tragedy when it’s on fire. Except clowns.

johnmoe My favorite old dead musician is Ol’ Deady Dead Person Twangy Guitar Dead McGillicuddy. He has a new album of duets with his son Jason.

PopCulLibrn My new curse word should be “Marmaduke.” Has a certain ring to it.

JLYoungsma I just had to sneak into the bathroom, so I can pee by myself. This is a new norm.

Disalmanac Today is the first day of summer. If you have not yet chosen your summer jam, one will be assigned to you. You’ve been warned.

RL_Stine Real Fan Letter: Dear R.L., I am your devoted fan. You are my second favorite author.

ieatmykidzsnack Kim Kardashian says she’s obsessed w/guys who have tiny ears. Well they say “tiny ears = Unable to hear when a woman is a fucking idiot.”

pistolval Enjoying a milkshake: homemade vanilla honey ice cream, caramel & roasted cinnamon. My shake may indeed bring all the boys to the yard.

jillgengler Henry saw muddy dog prints on the tile from this morning and asked, very excitedly, if Santa had come while we were gone.

modinkpeeb The fuck does Paula Deen need her own frame line? I hate everything.

MagpieLibrarian When I get bored at work, I make the kids play practical jokes on the circulation staff.

Sigafoos OKAY, WHO HAS THE USERNAME SIGAFOOS AT THE WEBKINZ SITE? I am trying to register a prairie dog.

johnroderick Not to contradict Stevie Nicks, but a one-winged dove would get pecked half to death and then eaten by a raccoon.

rachaelosborn When I was a kid I would have never guessed that grownups sometimes nap on the floor of the conference room on their lunch breaks.

squeekzoid “I Ain’t Afraid of No Holy Ghost” #rejectedhymns

theleanover “(Don’t) Beat It” #rejectedhymns

theleanover “Isaac’s Such A Drama Queen” #rejectedhymns

NicLewis Buddha, You So Fine. #rejectedhymns

YWGSourpuss 10 Commandments and a Bitch Ain’t One of ‘Em #rejectedhymns

theleanover 99 Luftballons With Jesus’ Face On Them #rejectedhymns

theleanover Jesus Loves Meat #rejectedhymns

matthewcreid You Can Always Crash on Heaven’s Couch #rejectedhymns

theleanover Rhiannon #rejectedhymns

SteveHuff “There is a Fountain Filled With Blood and Poop” #rejectedhymns

danforthfrance I’ve been quiet on Twitter lately because I’ve been familiarizing myself with the works of Karl Ditters Von Dittersdorf and doing your mom.

JLYoungsma” I wanna open a maternity store and call it We’re Fucked.”

louisvirtel Thank you, Dad, for responding to my coming-out this way: “Then why do you eat like a barbarian?”

simontarr There was bacon. There were video games. This is a good Father’s Day.

theleanover My sister’s taking me out for lunch today! Actually, we’re just meeting for lunch but I don’t have any money.

TwoAdults “Hey, Ezra! Smell these peonies! They smell great.” “I don’t want too! I don’t like panties!”

markleggett I was raised on the street! (Sesame).

sgnp Be nice to everyone in case one guy your sister knew at the music store next to her work becomes DJ Lance Rock. #OverlySpecificLifeLessons

joshjs OH: Baby Admiral Ackbar: “IT’S A CRAP!”

gonnakillhim You know you’re middle-aged when the friend you’re dancing next to says, ‘I’m gonna have to get that foot surgery after this.’

jerryrenek My Zen garden feels complete now that the topiary Dead Kennedys logo has sprouted some scrumptious berries.

sarcasmically My kids just busted into an a cappella version of Notorious B.I.G.’s “Hypnotize”, further confirming my excellent parenting skills.

aspaul If I were to fill out a dating profile, I would definitely list ‘grocery shopping’ under turn-ons.

shariv67 Ads for sperm donors on the subway feel superfluous somehow..

theleanover Bestiality is definitely wrong, but everyone gets curious thoughts about blowholes at some point in their life.

adamisacson It was only a matter of time until you’d be hacked with a web-server password like “w4t3rb04rdLOL,” CIA.

sbellelauren my sundress says “i’m 12!” but my eye makeup says “that’s when i started having sex!”

thebenbrooks Here’s how we pay off the debt. “Yard Sale Across America”. All we need are some blankets, shit we don’t want and then we call up China.

DangerGuerrero UNDISPUTED SCIENCE FACT: 80-90% of sex-related injuries occur less than two hours after creating a Prince station on Pandora.

EvenMoreSarah Got a knitting email with the subject line “How to place buttonholes evenly.” You can guess what I thought it said at first glance.

FlyteAphrodite Doesn’t everyone read angry or offensive emails & texts in Paula Deen’s voice

modinkpeeb You guys, I’m just gonna stay right here in 1996.

heyitsurban When you’re hungry enough, they’re all Edible Arrangements.

LouisPeitzman I can relate to Radiohead’s “Creep” except for the part about thinking anyone else is special.

muffpunch “What’s better than a happy smiling baby?” “Personal freedom and disposable income?” “You make it really hard to talk to you sometimes.”

NowAPisces I’m starting to use the wrong return address on my letters.
It’s tough to convince myself I don’t live at 502 Bad Gateway.

apodixis Fantastic sun dress weather today! I love cross-dressing in the summer.

UncleDynamite That was so gnarly. / Like so totally gnarly. / Seriously. Whoa! #keanuhaikus

ShabazOSU Gone in 60 Seconds, #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

MarylandMudflap Chitty Chitty Bang Bang #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

zhakesullee The Color Purple. #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

ActionJansen This Is It #Describeyourpeniswithamovie

DanaLishs Toy Story. #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

theleanover Shaft #Describeyourpeniswithamovie

kwmurphy Old Yeller #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

SimonJLevene Home Alone #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

DCpierson Up #Describeyourpeniswithamovie

BenMcCool The Last Temptation of Christ #DescribeYourPenisWithAMovie

mackmm Bat Out Of Hell, The E! True Hollywood Story of Meatloaf #Describeyourpeniswithamovie

lovehatesociety I changed out of my Joy Division shirt and into a New Order one. People said I looked “slightly happier.”

apodixis My neighbors set their car alarm to go off several times every morning until it wakes them. They are creative people who are going to die.

shinyinfo On Captain Picard day, this most holy of days, remember to believe in yourself and that there are four lights.

Brain_Wash Adulthood means realizing that a warm jelly donut possesses 80% of the qualities you’re looking for in a mate.

ProfessorSnack We complain that the weekend can’t come soon enough, then complain @ how quickly it’s over. We’re sexual partners who can’t make up our mind.

ebertchicago “A gentleman does not boast about his junk.” (Emily Post)

80sMomKara It’s fine if you need to distance yourself from me for awhile after these Lawrence Welk tweets; I once unfollowed someone over Erkel.

adiopink Got the car fixed today. Now the lawn mower isn’t working. The universe remains in balance.

stevetweeters When it’s 100 degrees at 8pm, one will seriously re-evaluate their stance on kilts.

badbanana How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice your iPhone navigation skills.

Brain_Wash I wish I had only 99 problems.

shariv67 Not unlike Clarke Kent, I have to wear my glasses in public because you couldn’t handle this sexy at 100% power. Also they hide my eye bags.

tysiscoe Twitter, you auto-complete me.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

Follow Friday – iPhone Photos

Today is my last day of work. So far I’m feeling good about it all but that may change as the day wears on. I’m sad, of course, but not as sad as I was when the students and staff left. The last four days have been nothing but work, so I’ve been pretty distracted. I’ve saved the saddest chore, taking down my desk photos, for last. Other than all this, we are well, and the fever Isobel came down with yesterday seems to have mellowed. I’m chalking it up to teething or some other Mysterious Toddler Ailment.

We are getting sod put in our moonscape this weekend. Hooray!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.

badbanana Sorry, kids. Daddy can’t watch you grow up because he has to constantly change the batteries in his Apple wireless keyboard.

OTOOLEFAN Luke Russert just said “unflappable Weiner” on MSNBC.

librarian_kate My co-worker’s philosophy of life: “If you have to be a crazy person, at least be the head crazy person.”

markleggett The Sherlock Holmes/Batman fan-fiction I’m writing is going great, except they keep making out with each other. Solve some crimes already!

markleggett To Do: 1- Take photo of cat. 2- Get photo printed on t-shirt. 3- Put t-shirt on cat. 4- Take photo of cat in t-shirt. 5- Repeat forever.

letsdiefriends Am I totally cancering myself if I play Words With Friends?

babybabylemon If my toddler were an adult, this unwanted chest groping would be prosecutable.

markleggett People who say “meteoric rise” know what eventually happens to meteors right?

sandwichpolice I don’t know if I want a cat so much as I just want somebody that takes and takes and NEVER FUCKING THANKS ME AND EATS MY ELECTRICAL CORDS.

modinkpeeb On my bike ride tonight, I saw one snake, one deer, and Samuel L. Jackson.

DalekThay YOUR MOTHER is so INFERIOR that when ‘The Library’ SAVED her, it used a 3 1/2″ FLOPPY DISK. #DalekSnaps

apodixis If you really love your pets you shouldn’t have them fixed. You should to teach them to respect themselves by practicing abstinence.

theRratedBull Never name a child “Bob.” Or, “Michael Bolton” for that matter. In fact, stay away from any of the character names found in “Office Space.”

jess_mc It’s PERFORMANCE ART. Palin and Trump, in tri-corner hats, will get in an oversize hamster ball and roll themselves while reporters chase.

shinyinfo I only know my way around this town by using library branches as reference points.

johnmoe “We have nothing to fear but zeega du dip bow buhdeeda ziggy buddladeezy beedy pow itself.” #ScatHistoryQuotes

schmutzie Another Who Knew? moment: I now know what little tea leaf balls look like after they’ve expanded in a cat’s stomach and then been thrown up.

rachaelosborn Hating hipsters is the new being a hipster.

sarah_fitness What is cuter than talking to a 3yo on the phone who says, “Mommy, I want to give you a hug”, then hugs the phone? Um, not much.

msbellows I’d be an awesome S.E.A.L. Team commando if we could schedule missions midmorning, after coffee and a couple sit-downs.

WhyIsDaddyCryin I declare today “Opposite Day!” shhh….don’t tell the wife.

hereslizz I could probably make some extra cash today as a phone secks operator though. I got that Demi Moore thing going on.

stephenharred How is there not already a thing titled “Pimp and Pimpability?”

ProfessorSnack Today I turned Arthur into a jackass. J/K, he did that on his own. – diary excerpt Myrddin Emrys

INVADINGALIEN EMPEROR OPRAH RETIRED BECAUSE SHE KNOWS OF ENSLAVEMENT AND DESTRUCTION OF HUMAN RACE. AND YOU GET A LASER BLAST! AND YOU GET A LASER BLAST!

ProfessorSnack No longer able to keep track of them, I refer to each Knight as Sir Guyihad. – diary excerpt Lady Guinevere

simontarr Lïve twëëtïng öür ÏKËÄ trïp.

MoeZee75 I don’t like how some people are related to me.

meganberg Snuggled in bed with the baby and the cat. Though, it would be much cuter if Ben weren’t farting and Zoe wasn’t licking her ass.

notthatkendall There should be some kind of mandatory training for those interested in the privilege of using the “reply all” button.

sarcasmically Angry driver threw a taco at my car, which is a bad way to get me to STOP cutting him off ’cause yum and I wonder how many more tacos he has.

windloochieMichigan weather provides lots of practice opportunities for the aspiring Buddhist.

hotdogsladies If a team of in-laws simultaneously Googles you during dinner, be honest, stay calm, then blame the 1000s of boner jokes on “a cyber-virus.”

petzrawr I’m DVR’ing History Channel’s “Gettysburg”. No spoilers, please!

theleanover Couples: Bringing a screaming toddler with you to buy a BDSM guide yelling across the store about its contents makes you horrible people.

jen_talley Writing an information health guide on hemorrhoids. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

MightyQuinn72 I hafta piss so bad I could power wash my deck.

BisexualElves I have ennui, which is emo for dropping your iPad.

PMuffintop If I got married again, I’d bedazzle a giant bald eagle across the chestal region of my wedding gown.

PaulyMortadella My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

hollypops007 Ugh! I understand why my head & liver are mad at me but, have no idea why my neck hurts. Did I “whip my hair back & forth” and forget?

HerschelWeiner Where would our pan flute players be without the spa industry?

CorporateMonkey woke up from a post-work coma/nap, and had a dream in which I was prettier than IRL. 30yrs old and my brain JUST figured out it can do this.

danforthfrance Off to mind fuck some ants with an inflatable watermelon.

Rootahbaygah Fight Club is a bully-free zone. #LesserKnownFightClubRules

Morsdeus Fight Club is allowed to be discussed though games of Pictionary. #LesserKnownFightClubRules

donhardo Tickling is not only legal, it is encouraged. #LesserKnownFightClubRules

JerryThomas My social media strategy involves no pants and a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

inktwice Her: ….sss-shit. Me: Sss-shit? Her: I was not going to say it. Me: …but then you thought, “Fuck it.”

MeganBoley Just realized I had quesadillas for lunch AND dinner. This pleases me.

shamroxmysox Lets go back to the good ol days when all your problems were solved with leeches and prayer.

NicLewis “Captains Log, Stardate 4178.2: The Enterprise has arrived at planetSouthern California, again. I think Mr. Sulu has us going in circles.”

sphericalfruit Finnegans Steak #lessinterestingbooks

Lilacmess On the Origin of Feces #lessinterestingbooks

inversejaik Low Expectations #lessinterestingbooks

inversejaik Heart of Dorkiness #lessinterestingbooks

inversejaik100 Years of Soliciting #lessinterestingbooks

filigreegirl The Ho-Hum Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime #lessinterestingbooks

DaveKrumholtz Processed Animal BI-Product Farm #lessinterestingbooks

caseycannonpi The Girl With The Temporary Tattoo #LessInterestingBooks

Lord_Voldemort7 Harry Potter and the Order of Takeout. #lessinterestingbooks

inktwice Marker Felt is just an upper-middle class Comic Sans.

FakeeEtiquette It is rude to post in all-caps on Craigslist unless your listing is more important than everyone else’s and deserves attention.

modinkpeeb Ruby’s favorite game is when she spends all morning whispering jibberish to me and trying to convince me I’ve had a stroke.

Caissie Did Harold Camping mean “Oprahcalypse” maybe? I’m afraid to look outside.

purple_quark Good morningAmerica. Was last night good for you too?

PlasticJukebox You haven’t really lived until you’ve put “buy taxidermied moose for the summer home” on a to-do list.

BuenoBabyGirl I just ate a Halloween-old, flattened, fun-sized Snickers bar from the bottom of my purse and I’m O.K. with that.

jillgengler Good to know that the State ofIL Central Management Services isn’t blowing our tax dollars on good graphic design.

80sMomKara Just watched Franco Zefferelli’s Romeo and Juliet. At the end, my 11 year old said “So that whole movie was about nothing but bad timing?”

LouisPeitzman If you ever see an anonymous Twitter account correcting people’s grammar, know that I’ve finally snapped.

BisexualElves I have ennui, which is emo for dropping your iPad.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Learn more about it in my FAQ.